Please, i need some help.

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

As i got a glimpse of the effortless state of action (wu wei/spontaniety) i'm stuck in a horror loop since months now. 

If let go of control or just relax my body, it wants me to constantly whirl along my axis. The fact in it's self is not a problem. The point is that i can not do anything else, i feel that evrything i do i so focerced and in contrast within myself. When i decide to go for a walk or simply swimming the pull of whirling is comes in and creates conflict against my will power. 

I decided to let the movement express, and it was quite relaxing because it was releasing a lot of tensions. As i start to let go, the spinning becomes more more violent and fast till the point where i can not hold the speed so i have to stop. But it does not leave.

I made some research and found Spontenous Qi Gong as a teqnique to express emotional tensions. Many says that this is a very dangerous state when you can not control anymore the need for the action. If you let express totally the movement after some time another comes in and another and another till you are dead or 70 years old. 

Obviously i can stop them, but it feels like repessing the need to go to the toilet.

I can not continue in this state anymore. All that i do is distracting myself with food and excessive sleep. Waking up in the morning is like hell

As my kundalini awakened 5 months ago, i'm working with a energy teacher. He always tells me that i'm control of my self and i am the creator of my life, but at this point it looks so stupid hearing this things, if i control the movement i inevitably supress it with ego. 

So i decided to take a kundalini yoga class with him just to see if the energy that is stuck can move foward. 

This post is just more to express my self, i know that nothing can help me anymore, also if a asked for some help from you. I do not know if i can come out of this shit.

[Flowerfaeiry]

A little challenging to understand what exactly is going on, but I think you're on the right path with expressing the energy through movement! 

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

1 hour ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

A little challenging to understand what exactly is going on, but I think you're on the right path with expressing the energy through movement! 

Letting go of the controller and seeing that the body starts to whirl endlessly makes me feel very afraid about this situation.

[Bodhitree]

Perhaps you should have a look at the Sufi dervishes, they are supposed to have a technique to whirl endlessly. Perhaps the impulse to whirl will wear itself out eventually. 

But I have to say, this expression of spontaneous Qi Gong, of movement following movement, does not sound like something that leads to inner peace. If it were me, I would look for that, an opportunity to find peace and stillness, and maybe from there to do yoga. 

[allislove]

It seems like there are a lot of concepts about spirituality, so if you can just slow-down a little bit, and contemplate via direct experience the nature of "I" that claims to get the glimpse/to be stuck in a horror loop/etc that would be helpful. If I were in your shoes I'd stop reading the non-dual books, doing all the spiritual practices, except maybe the breath-focus mediation for half an year, and see if it helps.

[Nahm]

On 7/5/2021 at 3:30 AM, Giulio Bevilacqua said:

i'm stuck in a horror loop since months now. 

Sounds very difficult and I feel for ya and wish you the best. These questions & suggestions are from different perspectives and might be helpful, and might not be. Don’t take any of it too heavy, more as inquiry & an attempt to help. They’re worded sternly with respect to the heaviness you’ve conveyed, or, the urgency of the desire for this suffering to resolve being very strong. 

Can you physically point to this loop? 

If not, have you considered it’s thoughts… belief(s) - and not some thing you… are… ‘in’ ?

If you’re with me there, have you considered this might be a critical distinction in regard to realizing you are indeed 100% in control? 

If you are in it, than it is greater, as in bigger, than you. If it is thoughts, it is within you and you are greater, as in bigger, than it. 

One lens is disempowering by default, the other is empowerment. Said another way, one lens is the belief you are not in control, and the other is accurate… that you are in control… but are believing you’re not by believing you are “in” a loop (vs experiencing thoughts and or beliefs which are actually releasable, and malleable, and can be changed with emotional expression & understanding). 

On 7/5/2021 at 3:30 AM, Giulio Bevilacqua said:

…i am the creator of my life, but at this point it looks so stupid hearing this things, if i control the movement i inevitably supress it with ego. 

If what your teacher told you is true, (and btw I am unequivocally absolutely also telling you that it is) … then what’s veiled, or what is accredited or attributed to ‘the ego’ is not that which suppresses the spinning, but that which orients toward the spinning in the first place. In this case you might consider the spinning is the suppression by means of avoidance of emotional allowance & processing. For clarity sake… in this case the spinning is not something which could be or could not be suppressed. That would be a false framing. In this case, in this way of looking at it, the spinning is the suppression. 

If you contemplate… “I would rather be dealing with this spinning situation than experiencing __________, what comes to mind that would go in that blank? (Fear, anxiety, working full time, dating / socializing / meeting people, apologizing to someone, forgiving someone, understanding someone’s actions, etc) Be as open minded as possible for what source reveals to you so to speak. Those are just categorical suggestions that might help bring something to mind. 

On 7/5/2021 at 3:30 AM, Giulio Bevilacqua said:

it wants me to constantly whirl along my axis

Can you point to the ‘it’ and the ‘me’, and the ‘my axis’?  Are these things which are affecting you outside of your control… or are these thoughts which you are in control of focusing on, or not focusing on?

Can you define each of those acutely, as in very literally - what they are? 

If “it” is movement / the spinning… probe deeper… what is movement, what is spinning, literally.  Also try to articulate as clearly as possible the causation involved. Express as precisely as is possible, exactly, how you know ‘it’… wants you… to do anything?  What literally is this ‘it’, which has the property of wanting? 

On 7/5/2021 at 3:30 AM, Giulio Bevilacqua said:

As i start to let go, the spinning becomes more more violent and fast till the point where i can not hold the speed so i have to stop. But it does not leave.

If you stopped spinning, and therefore there is not spinning happening… exactly how is ‘it’ still ‘there (“it does not leave”)’?   “It” therefore can not actually refer to ‘the spinning’. “It” refers to something else, and I suggest that something else is a belief about yourself. It’s tricky because the nature of a belief is that you firmly believe that it’s true. Probably a very painful belief which has been believed for a long time / has a lot of creating momentum applied.

A belief that the relinquishing of might feel like pulling off a 12’’ bandaid, compared to a 1’’ band aid. Conditioning. Something internalized by you, which never actually belonged to, or was ever actually indicative of, you. Something unresolved which belonged to someone else. Someone influential in your upbringing like a parent, teacher, clergy member, etc. Maybe even a sibling. Maybe someone who is suffering for not being swift, not moving as in allowing with the flow of life, for holding resistant beliefs. Maybe someone who passed away unexpectedly, when you were young. Again, basically hypothetical suggestions here which may or may not ‘bring up’ the specific resistance. 

Also, this may be hard to hear - and I might be 100% wrong - but I very much agree with @allislove. I would go so far as to say every time you use a spiritual term such as kundalini etc, you are innocently unknowingly using the term to mask, veil, suppress, an emotion / memory / belief. Said another way, you are using secondary beliefs to cover up primary, or already existing beliefs, creating unnecessary confusion and discord. 

One more consideration, what if you meditated first thing in the morning every single day for one hour? What comes to mind as to how that would go? If you felt the impulse to swirl, but didn’t, what emotion(s) might arise?

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

@Nahm First of all, thank your for this precise and attentive response.

21 hours ago, Nahm said:

f you’re with me there, have you considered this might be a critical distinction in regard to realizing you are indeed 100% in control? 

I do not undertand how can there be control. What is see, the moment i control i supress and create conflict with life. How can you control your emotions or your thinking, if you try to do that it would inevitably harm you.

If i have to go to the toilet and say " no, i control my urge to pee, i'm 100 in control  " ok, you can do that but it would not feel good and the pee would exit forcefully after some time. For me  control creates a split/division. The same is with this urge to spin, I am resisting it and suppressing it because i feel fearful for what might happen if i enter it totally. When i enter it and surrender, there is no one that controls anything, there is just spinning, the i disappears, that's why it creates so much fear.

21 hours ago, Nahm said:

then what’s veiled, or what is accredited or attributed to ‘the ego’ is not that which suppresses the spinning, but that which orients toward the spinning in the first place. In this case you might consider the spinning is the suppression by means of avoidance of emotional allowance & processing.

How can be this the case ? I suppress the spin due to fear. The spinning wants to open up something that is trapped inside my body to be released.

 

21 hours ago, Nahm said:

If you contemplate… “I would rather be dealing with this spinning situation than experiencing __________, what comes to mind that would go in that blank?

Fear, anxiety but most of all insecurity of what to do in life, feeling ungrounded and erthly unstable

 

21 hours ago, Nahm said:

What literally is this ‘it’, which has the property of wanting? 

I can not pin point to what it is, but i believe that it is the life force that tries to repair the body torugh this movement.

 

21 hours ago, Nahm said:

If you stopped spinning, and therefore there is not spinning happening… exactly how is ‘it’ still ‘there (“it does not leave”)’?   “It” therefore can not actually refer to ‘the spinning’. “It” refers to something else, and I suggest that something else is a belief about yourself. It’s tricky because the nature of a belief is that you firmly believe that it’s true. Probably a very painful belief which has been believed for a long time / has a lot of creating momentum applied.

I stop it with my will power, and seems that i repress it in the body again. It is still there in the sense that it wnats to continue to push.

 

21 hours ago, Nahm said:

One more consideration, what if you meditated first thing in the morning every single day for one hour? What comes to mind as to how that would go? If you felt the impulse to swirl, but didn’t, what emotion(s) might arise?

I would feel that it is a forced method upon my self beacuse meditation requires no effort or discipline. Evry effort you make to meditate is just another mind game to achieve something. 

If the impulse to swirl would arise and i would not follow it, i would feel that i am swimming against life.

 

What i believe in this period:

There is no doer 

Evry action happens effortlessly

Effort and control are illusions, they only bring further misery. Effort= wanting to achieve, tension in the body. 

You can not control anything, you can just melt into life and swim with it. If you resist or try to control you get stuck. 

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

 

[Anahata]

Listen to some music and become aware of the fact that the experience of listening to music is no different in substance than the 'sensations' that you call 'your human body'.

[Nahm]

@Giulio Bevilacqua

But what would you say, do, and focus on, if you advocated feeling better? 

 

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

35 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Giulio Bevilacqua

But what would you say, do, and focus on, if you advocated feeling better? 

 

Trying to undestrand what a true action is. An action that is always right and does not bring fruther confusions and conflicts in your life. An action and decisions that comes from love and undestanding.

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

I will share what fucked my mind and brought me to this stuation that i'm facing.

Osho : " So long as an individual does something, it is not done by existance. So long as an individual feels he is doing, it is not existence's doing . The day an individual knows that he is no more, he is not the doer, it is just happening, his action becomes existance's action, it belongs to existence. The day doing turn into happening, the day the person really experiences it as a happening, existance takes over, then it does evrything trough the individual. It is an illusion that we are the doers, and it is this illusion that makes us unhappy . The day we cease to be doers all illusions ceases  " 

 

[Nahm]

@Giulio Bevilacqua

Great quote! So profound. Straight to the heart of “the one that is afraid”. 

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

5 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Giulio Bevilacqua

Great quote! So profound. Straight to the heart of “the one that is afraid”. 

Too early for my fragile ego. 

@Nahm This is the exact point of what i'm trying to share here. Utter spontaneity, non doing, existance doing = Whirling. 

I will surrender to spinning, have no other options. See where it takes. 

Thank you all for your loving efforts and responses, really appreciate your help and love. 

[Nahm]

20 minutes ago, Giulio Bevilacqua said:

Too early for my fragile ego. 

The quote shared & the physical spinning both share that they are being used to spin the truth in ways that simply, feeling-evidently, don’t feel good. Perspective will change, that is not in question. No longer spinning perspectives to accommodate fear, or, thoughts & perspectives which don’t resonate, is the only variable. Thought will never resolve thought. More thinking will never help. Yet, in letting go, in no longer focusing on thoughts, beliefs & perspectives which neither feel good nor serve you in your life… there can be and it is revealed that there already is, no problem. The ‘problem’ is the (mental) spinning and the defense of the (mental) spinning. The focusing on what doesn’t feel good, and the justifying of doing so. But there is no problem, there is just, focus. 

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@Nahm This is the exact point of what i'm trying to share here. Utter spontaneity, non doing, existance doing = Whirling. 

Existence doesn’t, can not and isn’t, ‘doing’. Existence = being = love. “Fear” can not be truthfully attributed to existence. That is precisely, exactly why it feels ‘off’. 

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I will surrender to spinning, have no other options. See where it takes. 

All options are available.  You are already free, evidenced by choosing to believe your options are limited. There is no effort in instead focusing on that all options are available. 

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Thank you all for your loving efforts and responses, really appreciate your help and love. 

Thanks. Also, ‘it’ isn’t mine.