4 months in a psychiatric hospital after Seeing The Ox

[Eternal Unity]

I started my spiritual path somewhere in 2007/2008 but i wasn't really serious about it until I started studying philosophy at university in late 2010. In December of 2010, after reading Spinoza's Ethics, I had my first mystical experience. I, of course, didn't know what it was. I had an extreme emotional upheaval. An existential crisis.

I didn't sleep for over 72 hours, I was dehydrated and had a fever of 105. I had a near death experience on Dec 21st, 2010. I didn't care about all of this ; just wanted to read philosophy and deepen my understandings because I felt I discovered the truth.

My mother noticed a change in my behavior and i tried to explain to her all the knowledge I came upon. Pretty soon she called a doctor. A psychiatrist. The meet with him was highly disturbing for me. He diagnosed me with a psychotic attack and recommended a willful hospitalization in a psychiatric hospital in which he worked. We agreed. I was hospitalized on Dec 23rd, 2010.

For the next few days I received a high dose of anti psychotic medication and in my interviews with the medical staff I went on and on about how I am an eternal being, that I discovered The True God, that all of reality is One. They took notes and said: "Yes. of course you are"

3 weeks later, my condition worsened. I was totally detached from reality, according to my doctors. I had to be moved to a closed ward. And so I did. I hardly remember much from that time, being hazy from the meds. I spent 12 days there. At a certain point i realized who was there with me: murderers, sex offenders and terrorists. All of whom declared incompetent on the basis of insanity. I literally walked through the valley of the shadow of death but I feared no evil for I knew God is with me every step of the way. "You'll get throught this, Greg. You must! The world has to know what you now know." God told me. it was my 23rd birthday. "Endure these thoughts most impure, these pitch black insights. For this is the forging of a master." Somehow I survived. My condition improved and I was returned to the open ward. I integrated my soul for another three months with careful and gentle accompaniment of a female doctor. I also met a girl. a fellow patient. She was 19 and dark skinned. She tried to commit suicide by swallowing sleeping pills with vodka. We got close, helped each other through the hard times we were in and she was my first kiss

My state of consciousness returned to normal and on April 27th, 2011 I was released. I found a job 3 months later (My academy philosophy study came to an end. They wouldn't accept me back after missing 4 months). My mother and I thought it was for the best.

I started a healthy research into the nature of consciousness but it wasn't a smooth ride. I wasn't hospitalized again but had a psychosis on 2 other occasions. Last year I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. A rare condition that has elements of both Schizophrenia and Bi-Polar Disorder. I continue to take medication.

But my story is not so bleak. I had awakenings, as well. Positive ones. Eight of them. Some into the nature of love, wisdom and time. After over 10 years of mental, conscious and mystical experiences I have a unique insight into some of the darkest experiences it is possible to endure as a human being and into some of the most blissful. I had it all along the spectrum

This is the first time I am sharing these details to anyone other than my therapists, doctors, social workers, coaches and mentors.

Thanks for reading ? It means a lot!

Greg

Edited July 4, 2021 by Eternal Unity
Endure psychosis

[WelcometoReality]

@Eternal Unity Was the diagnosis due to the scientific paradigms interpretation of your experiences or do you think you actually have that disorder?

[Blackhawk]

Well, I think I will now order Spinoza's Ethics, which has already been on my list of books to read.

[Eternal Unity]

@WelcometoReality I believe in order. Not disorder. According to materialist brain research I do have that disorder. The doctors havn't experienced what I did, but the symptoms I presented in my behavior fitted the diagnosis like a glove.

I don't believe I'm mentally ill. I am a normal guy who had difficult emotional time for a while.

@Blackhawk Cool! I haven't touched that book ever since out of fear. That is also part of my process. Enjoy it anyway! Just because I had a crisis doesn't mean you'll have it too. I hope you'll have an enlightening experience!

[WelcometoReality]

8 hours ago, Eternal Unity said:

WelcometoReality I believe in order. Not disorder. According to materialist brain research I do have that disorder. The doctors havn't experienced what I did, but the symptoms I presented in my behavior fitted the diagnosis like a glove.

I don't believe I'm mentally ill. I am a normal guy who had difficult emotional time for a while.

Sounds to me. ??? 

[Grateful Dead]

Beautiful, thank you for sharing

Do you think it would have been better for you if you hadn't come to psychiatry?

[Bojan V]

@Eternal Unity Thank you for sharing with us your story! It is inspiring and encouraging☺️???.

[Eternal Unity]

@acidgoofy They helped me when I needed help. I could have probably got along fine without them and without hospitalization but I wouldn't attain the same understandings I have now. So I'm greatful my path has led me there, hard as it was.

@Bojan V Thank you, friend

[Windappreciator]

What the heck was hard about it? You were knocked out most of the time by neuroleptics.

Edited July 5, 2021 by Windappreciator

[Eternal Unity]

@Windappreciator I wasn't knocked out. If anything, the side effects of the meds intensified my experience. Memory, reality, senses, hallucinations - all is mixed up and accompanied by existential fear.

To have a psychosis for the first time + being in the facility I have been in + being conscious of the things I was conscious, trust me - it's hard.

[tsuki]

Ah yes, Spinoza's Ethics will hit you like a ton of bricks. I had my "experience" with Heidegger's Being and Time earlier, so I loved it and it went pretty smoothly. My parents sent me to therapy, which I started with, like, hours of crying out of compassion for the ignorant. Do you feel like the hospitalization was beneficial to you?  (This one was answered already). Do you plan on any action to stabilize yourself further, like psychotherapy, etc?

Edited July 5, 2021 by tsuki

[Eternal Unity]

33 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Do you plan on any action to stabilize yourself further, like psychotherapy, etc?

I'm on follow up ever since. I meet a psychiatrist once every six months. He prescribes medication, we talk about my plans for the future. About work, study and recreational activities.

I also have sessions once a week with a female clinical social worker who is also a psychotherapist since 2011. We meet for an hour and work on emotional integration, depression, healing and general well being of consciousness. We use mindfulness techniques and guided meditations which I practice throughout the week. When in session, we talk about my experiences. It's been nice ?

[nistake]

Man, what a ride. Good to read that you're doing okay.

[Kshantivadin]

@WelcometoReality the "actual disorder" doesn't exist all part of life

also, to anyone reading this who hasn't had any psych experience, never share spirituality stuff with them. you will immediately be declared delusional and/or schizo.

also, never willfully hospitalise yourself unless you're suicidal and there is no other option left. you will regret it because of the forced medication and inhumane treatment. on the other hand, it might just be what you need (and you might meet the love of your life there )

I'm sorry for what you went through @Eternal Unity. My trust was broken enough before having my first psychosis and mystical experience that I didn't open up to anyone so I wasn't "treated" as much.

@Windappreciator Work on your ignorance. Have you been in a psych ward?

[WelcometoReality]

41 minutes ago, Kshantivadin said:

WelcometoReality the "actual disorder" doesn't exist all part of life

Yes this is recognized here as well. ?

[Eternal Unity]

@nistake Thanks! I am okay now

6 hours ago, Kshantivadin said:

I'm sorry for what you went through @Eternal Unity.

Thank you If you think about it - it was the will of my consciousness, I only came out stronger! 

I volunteer and guide others who are going through a struggle in my local town mental health department, so my experience is meaningful in this perspective as well.

[Kshantivadin]

@Eternal Unity I am just concerned about the medication you're taking because it's way more harmful than helpful. I cannot preach that over the internet though, it would be too irresponsible. Please research the history and social context of neuroleptics and their mechanisms of action.

I've had multiple clinically relevant struggles and episodes (psychosis and hypomania) and I "recovered" (nothing to recover from, it comes and it goes just like everything) naturally.

Wish you the best!!!!!!!!

[Blackhawk]

7 hours ago, Kshantivadin said:

@WelcometoReality the "actual disorder" doesn't exist all part of life

also, to anyone reading this who hasn't had any psych experience, never share spirituality stuff with them. you will immediately be declared delusional and/or schizo.

also, never willfully hospitalise yourself unless you're suicidal and there is no other option left. you will regret it because of the forced medication and inhumane treatment. on the other hand, it might just be what you need (and you might meet the love of your life there )

I'm sorry for what you went through @Eternal Unity. My trust was broken enough before having my first psychosis and mystical experience that I didn't open up to anyone so I wasn't "treated" as much.

@Windappreciator Work on your ignorance. Have you been in a psych ward?

No idea what you are talking about. I've been in a psych ward, both voluntarily and involuntarily, and there was no forced medication or inhumane treatment.

[Eternal Unity]

39 minutes ago, Kshantivadin said:

I am just concerned about the medication you're taking because it's way more harmful than helpful.

I don't believe it's harmful, it does keep me balaced in the dopamine, serotonin and melatonin section which is good. Without it, for the moment, I can lapse into psychosis very quickly. I do have consciousness defenses I can use and I came to be quite proficient in them over the years, I just don't want to take the chance. My aim is not to be dependant on medication and the doctors say that it is possible but it'll take time. Anyway, I don't feel anything different or damaged in any way when I am at my normal state of consciousness, which is most of the time.

39 minutes ago, Kshantivadin said:

I've had multiple clinically relevant struggles and episodes (psychosis and hypomania) and I "recovered" (nothing to recover from, it comes and it goes just like everything) naturally.

Glad to hear that!

39 minutes ago, Kshantivadin said:

Wish you the best!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much! Highly appreciated

Edited July 5, 2021 by Eternal Unity
Psych meds

[DIDego]

@Eternal Unity Thank you for sharing ❤️