Fear of getting older...

[Thought Art]

I am 25, I am going bald... my knees hurt. 

I don't have enough money to do the things I want and have to play a long term game in order to save up... The more I learn about mastery the less likely it is music is going to work. I sometimes feel like killing myself so I can restart from the beginning. 

I am not the self actualizer I thought I was. I am not living up to my own expectations. I don't really have a family. There is no guarantees in reality.

I feel like I have all this information but no money or time to implement it all. So, I have to settle for a mediocre life for the time being. 

Going through a victim thing.

I really thought I was on my path to self actualizing my life purpose... but of course women cheat and then the screw you over and ruin your sense of self and business. 

I have life better than other people.

Leo says I imagine others... But, that doesn't add up. Why would I as God be imagining this mundane existence? All of this is so gross and arbitrary. 

I don't know what is true, don't know who to trust, don't know...

Why doesn't God allow it so I can have this knowledge about reality, mastery, life purpose etc at a younger age? It seems I came across this material to late into life.

I feel a sense of hopelessness and depression.

I know I am putting in the work, my life is moving forward. But, sometimes I wonder if all the suffering and constant going about mundane ordinary life is worth it.

I want to live a blissful, ecstatic and creative experience. I want to spread music around the world but... I feel like I am getting too old.

I am not proud of myself...

This is ego. I've been suffering a lot of ego backlashes lately.

Like Leo said.. "Don't shit in the pool"... Self sabotage has potentially cost me my life purpose as I saw it.

Why? Why am I here?

There is no reason.

I am sure I will be fine.

But, I don't know if I want to continue with myself sometimes. I am learning to love reality... But sometimes I hate it so much. I just want to be in Arcadefire but, I am not... I am just an ordinary asshole.

Edited July 3, 2021 by Thought Art

[StarStruck]

Surrendering to life is not easy but it is really what spirituality is all about. Your music career might not work out but perhaps it will lead to another career. For that to happen it is important to not be attached to your music career. By the way, I'm not saying give up on your music career. By all means be passionate and go all in, so you don't have regrets later on. 

[Thought Art]

14 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Surrendering to life is not easy but it is really what spirituality is all about. Your music career might not work out but perhaps it will lead to another career. For that to happen it is important to not be attached to your music career. By the way, I'm not saying give up on your music career. By all means be passionate and go all in, so you don't have regrets later on. 

Thanks... I just want to make music. But, right now it feel impossible. I feel like I've lost my flame.

If I am going to surrender to reality, then... there is no difference between living or dying. 

I have to be able to create a life I can enjoy. 

I just want to be life Arcadefire that is the most inspiring shit I have ever seen. But, it feels completely impossible.

I've been going through this for some time now. I kind of hate myself. I am disappointed in my life.

I feel trapped existentially.. I don't know what to do. It just seems mathmatically impossible at this point.

God ain't gonna come down from the clouds and make things work out... God can suck my dick.

Leos Teachings about me being the only bubble just doesn't add up with this struggle I am having. I can't reconcile me being the only person, or bubble that is real... and me not having an amazing life where I get what I want. What is the fucking point of that? Why do I have to make due with this shitty limitations I have.... Fuck this.

Edited July 3, 2021 by Thought Art

[StarStruck]

@Thought Art you say you lost your flame and then you say my career is "mathematically impossible". Without emotions you won't have inner flame. And emotions have nothing to do with math. Emotions are really about surrendering and letting it happen. If you try to control emotions you will just get stuck in life. Your life will be on freeze. Let emotions flow and your life will flow. Without emotions there is no inner movement thus no passion or work ethic. 

[Thought Art]

I am definitely feeling emotions... 

But with all my attention on school, survival, healing my body and my mind... Music gets put to the side.

I fucking hate this 

Edited July 3, 2021 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I recognize I am in a negative state. I could have made better choices in my youth. I didn't know better.

I will journal and head to bed. I am feeling so low right now.

I won't rest in the negative psychic state. I know this is self deception and ego.

But, I am fucking trapped in the dream. I feel so tired of it sometimes.

Edited July 3, 2021 by Thought Art

[Flowerfaeiry]

34 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

I am 25, I am going bald... my knees hurt. 

Loosing your hair and your knees hurting are not necessarily signs of aging. 25 is actually really young. You still have your life ahead of you. Don't give up, you're probably doing a really good job even though it's hard to see that right now. 

Quote

The more I learn about mastery the less likely it is music is going to work.

That's just not true. You're 25. It takes 10 years to master something. At 35 you will still be extremely young. Even with a few years, if you stay on the path, you will make serious progress. 

Quote

Why doesn't God allow it so I can have this knowledge about reality, mastery, life purpose etc at a younger age? It seems I came across this material too late into life.

You are on your own unique path. There are reasons for those things even if you can't see them right now. 

Quote

I feel like I am getting too old.

You are not too old. I'm 30. I'm too old. lol. In a few years you will see how young you were, and if you don't start getting serious, you will be like damn, why didn't I start when I was 25. 

Quote

I want to live a blissful, ecstatic and creative experience. I want to spread music around the world

This is amazing. The world needs more of this.  You can do that. Little by little.

 

You are going through a rough patch right now. Remember this time when things aren't so bad, and don't take life for granted anymore. Use the pain to push you forward. The obstacle IS the path. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

[Thought Art]

39 minutes ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

You are going through a rough patch right now. Remember this time when things aren't so bad, and don't take life for granted anymore. Use the pain to push you forward. The obstacle IS the path. 

I feel like I've been pushing for years... But, I haven't been perfect... I feel a lot of self resentment in this moment. Where is this coming from?

I want to be successful! 

Thank you for your great posts... I am sure I will make it through.

I started music 5 years ago... I went from being scared of singing in my room by myself to playing festivals and making my first album... It gave my tinnitus because God hates me. After that I became scared of recording and playing.

God is a cruel weird motherfucker I think. I do not trust the universe.

God is also love, I know that. But, there is not gauruntee in this life. I want to work so hard. I do, but I ... I don't know. I backslide sometimes. There are so many skills to develop. I feel so scared I am gonna miss out and live a life of regret. I just want to be free...

Liberation is the only way out.

Edited July 4, 2021 by Thought Art

[Flowerfaeiry]

1 hour ago, Thought Art said:

I feel like I've been pushing for years... But, I haven't been perfect... I feel a lot of self resentment in this moment. Where is this coming from?

Maybe ease up a bit it places? Sometimes we push so much it just creates more resistance. 

[OctagonOctopus]

@Thought Art

Your work will come to fruition when you are ready, just keep finding flow in the work you are doing, moving towards the passions you enjoy. 

It is good that you are aware you are in a downward spike of mood, the more mindful you are of this the better you get at riding the waves of mood. The hardest part to ride is usually the low points. 

You probably feel a lot of self resentment because you feel you aren't already perfect the way you are. You know you are always growing, and it is beautiful. Is the flower of a plant more perfect then the seed? Or a adult more perfect then a baby? 

Keep watering your potental, you are doing great! 

@Flowerfaeiry makes a good point, ease up a bit, it is ok. Be kind to yourself, notice how much you have grown and are growing. 

 

[Humble]

When you think about your life really what do you see? Are you focusing on others around you and what they have and how they achieved it you are on the outside looking in and that is the wrong thing to do because you never know the pain and the thoughts of others unto you have spoken with them. The bible says to trust no man I was at a point in my life where things didn't go right everything I touched I felt like I was a big failure but when I began to put my trust in Jesus and understand who I was in him everything else fell in place. Speak life into your situation sometimes it's hard but you have to go through it to bring someone else out. How could you help someone when you never experienced the pain now that is mundane. You cant look at what is in front of you but look at what you are walking into. This morning I got up and I meditate on Jesus and his plans for my life. Not my plans but his and his plans are for me to live and not die and the same for you find your purpose in God and everything else will line up we all are destined to be great in Jesus.

[Humble]

@Thought Art

Do you know how many times people have failed before they get it right. Sometimes 7 times or more or less depending on the individual.

I believe God to be Alpha and Omega Beginning and End I believe God is more than just love, he is a friend when there is no one there, he is a healer, and many more, because things don't go as plan in your life, does that cause you to be mad at  God and Why?  Take your Natural parents or your protector in your physical life they tell you the do's and the don't. Right, it's up to you to heed to their saying. Now here is God  And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Your time is not God time being patient and waiting on God and trusting and believing in his word is a start. God does not lie. Sometimes we don't understand his process but the beginning is trusting his process  God can be protecting you in many ways that he know the thing will destroy you mentally or physically he know when you are ready to move to the next level in your life because he knew you before you were born. Wait for Gods' time continue working in what you believe in and rebuke the devil from entering your mind.

Be blessed Thought Art 

[Thought Art]

You are all very kind to me. 

I don't mean to use the forum to complain. But, I know I need to use all the tools at my disposal. 

[Gianna]

On 7/5/2021 at 9:36 AM, Thought Art said:

I don't mean to use the forum to complain

You are not complaining, you are being honest and vulnerable. This is what the forum is for. I think now is the perfect time to slow down, stop pressuring yourself, and look back on the richest moments of your life– as if you were going to die. What moments make you grateful? What qualities have you witnessed in yourself that you appreciate? Here is a quote from V. Frankl's Man's Search: 

What reasons has he to envy a young person? For the possibilities that a young person has? The future which is in store for him? "No, thank you," he will think. "Instead of possibilities, I have realities. Not only the reality of work done and of love loved, but of sufferings bravely suffered. These sufferings are even the things of which I am most proud, though these are the things which cannot inspire envy." 
 

[Thought Art]

@Gianna That is beautiful. 

[Bodhitree]

@Thought Art 25 is young. I would say work a little on meditation and peace, and the same time that you chip away at the music business. If you put the hours in you will get there. But music like most creative endeavours is a field where not everyone reaches the top, and you should be prepared for that… if you do music for the right reasons, for self expression and for the music itself, whatever you achieve will be ok. 

Look back in another ten years and see what you have achieved.