Are my boyfriend and I compatible enough for the long run?

[imhumaniswear]

I've been sitting with this for quite a while and I can't really talk about this with anyone since we're keeping our relationship a secret for now.

My boyfriend and I are polar opposites of each other. He is an extrovert (down-to-earth/ outgoing/ can become friends with anyone within a short amount of time, etc.), whereas I'm an introvert (stoic/ pretty closed off/ takes a while for me to become comfortable with someone). We're in a pretty good place right now, but there are things that are bothering both of us. 

The problems from his side:

1. He doesn't like the fact that I'm a relatively quiet/ shy person. Note that I have changed a lot since I've met him, I've become more talkative, easygoing, basically picked up a few of his characteristics. Even my friends told me that they noticed these positive changes.  And I definitely feel like I'm still growing when it comes to these things (and I'm definitely grateful for the lessons/things I've learned from him). He is being patient and giving me time to change.
2. We two got involved in some academic fraud. Won't go into details, but I felt bad that I had done it. So I did what I felt was the best thing to do, which was admitting to the professors that I did it (without bringing my boyfriend into any trouble). Now, he is pretty hardheaded and not someone who easily gives in. So he did not admit to what actually happened (mostly because he believes that they do not have enough evidence). He was a bit disappointed that I did that, even though only I got into trouble because he wanted us to form a type of 'partners in crime' bond. In my defense, lying would feel very wrong to me and I'm trying to have more integrity in my life (self-actualization is very important to me).

 

Small, but potentially important things that are bothering me:

1. My boyfriend isn't very occupied with actualization, and that's fine he doesn't have to be. However, when I feel the need to talk about something that's deep, spiritual or something that I've been struggling with when it comes to trying to build discipline I feel like he isn't able to understand me. I feel this disconnect between us. And it does upset me if I'm honest, but I don't know how to change this or if I should change this.
2. He is against psychedelics. He doesn't stop me from using it, but he definitely guilt trips me if I use it.  I only use psychedelics as a tool for personal growth. I've also explained to him that these substances don't have any lasting physical effects on the body (which he was worried about, which is kind of ironic since he doesn't mind drinking alcohol). I even stopped using psychedelics for a while because of him. But since I have some free time on my hands, and he is going on a two-week vacation with his friend, I'm planning on using it again without telling him about it. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot by not letting myself experience these things. 

 

Are these things just small obstacles we can work through, or are the differences only going to get bigger in the long run?

Edited July 3, 2021 by imhumaniswear
Wasn't done writing

[RendHeaven]

2 hours ago, imhumaniswear said:

Small, but potentially important things that are bothering me:

1. My boyfriend isn't very occupied with actualization, and that's fine he doesn't have to be. However, when I feel the need to talk about something that's deep, spiritual or something that I've been struggling with when it comes to trying to build discipline I feel like he isn't able to understand me. I feel this disconnect between us. And it does upset me if I'm honest, but I don't know how to change this or if I should change this.
2. He is against psychedelics. He doesn't stop me from using it, but he definitely guilt trips me if I use it.  I only use psychedelics as a tool for personal growth. I've also explained to him that these substances don't have any lasting physical effects on the body (which he was worried about, which is kind of ironic since he doesn't mind drinking alcohol). I even stopped using psychedelics for a while because of him. But since I have some free time on my hands, and he is going on a two-week vacation with his friend, I'm planning on using it again without telling him about it. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot by not letting myself experience these things. 

LOL you're leagues better than him... he's dragging you down.

[soos_mite_ah]

2 hours ago, imhumaniswear said:

Now, he is pretty hardheaded and not someone who easily gives in. So he did not admit to what actually happened (mostly because he believes that they do not have enough evidence). He was a bit disappointed that I did that, even though only I got into trouble because he wanted us to form a type of 'partners in crime' bond. In my defense, lying would feel very wrong to me and I'm trying to have more integrity in my life (self-actualization is very important to me).

Yeah, a lack of integrity isn't a good sign of something lasting in the long run. 

2 hours ago, imhumaniswear said:

He doesn't like the fact that I'm a relatively quiet/ shy person. Note that I have changed a lot since I've met him, I've become more talkative, easygoing, basically picked up a few of his characteristics. Even my friends told me that they noticed these positive changes.  And I definitely feel like I'm still growing when it comes to these things (and I'm definitely grateful for the lessons/things I've learned from him). He is being patient and giving me time to change.

I mean there isn't anything wrong with being an introvert and exploring different sides of yourself because your significant other brings out those sides of you. But I do think it can be a problem when he doesn't like something that is so you. Like he shouldn't feel that being shy/quiet is a bad thing if it's coming from a healthy and authentic place for you. 

I don't think that compatibility is the case. I think you're just out of his league. 

[Average Investor]

There is going to be a ever growing disconnect between the two of you if only one is self-actualizing. The motivations and quality of life is drastically different between the two. One will be stuck trying to fill lower needs, while the other is trying to bring the other one up to their level. 

7 hours ago, imhumaniswear said:

I'm planning on using it again without telling him about it.

You value integrity, but you have to ago against that value to explore your own growth more. To me it sounds like this is more of an anchor to you. 

If you want to continue this with him, then exploring more authentic and open communication is going to be key. Being in a relationship and hiding stuff for personal growth sounds dysfunctional. You are going to want to also determine how much you value your personal growth vs this relationship if it is holding you back. 

[flowboy]

@imhumaniswear  These are not small things, these are big, fundamental things. Not compatible.

[UDT]

@imhumaniswear

Imo 

No. Not compatible.

 

Reason?

You guys can't fix problems together.