Trip Report - 0.75g APE

[mecca81]

This is my 4th and 5th trips. I took 2g APE again for the 4th and went back to that state and it’s not helpful. Wish I learned my lesson from my previous trip. In that state, you are just far too gone to make any kind of sense. I know this is a rambling but it is what it is. Appreciate Leo’s eloquent presentations. He is a true master. 

Enlightenment is not be all and end all. 

There are degrees of enlightenment. 

It’s not just nirvana and it’s NOT SIMPLY THAT AT ALL!

It can be. But at that point you don’t exist. It’s precisely because of this that you feel that fucking nirvana. 

If you are not prepared for it, you feel loneliness and fear. That fucking fear is REAL, it’s worse that any fear I experienced in my life. Because it is the end of “me”.  If you want to end everything and feel that nirvana for what it truly is, then you need to prepare to die. I don’t know if that means you physically die but I’m not prepared to try.  

Psychedelic is fucking genius. It’s an awesome tool that can elevate you to levels of consciousness that you can’t even imagine without years and years of meditation, provided that you use it a right way, and in a right state which may vary  

But it comes with a caveat. You have to be open minded to a certain degree for it to be a tool.  It enhances EVERYTHING YOU ARE. So if you have strong attachment to things it’s not going to be beneficial at all.  Loosen your grip first  

It gives you an ability to look at all things separately. You can look at things and everything that arises within your consciousness without meddling it up with your ego. You can also infinitely enhance that which you’re observing. For instance, you can look at your fear as separate from you. You can also make it so that that’s all that there is within your consciousness. That’s really dangerous. If you are not grounded, then I think you can go nuts. So practice some mindful meditation before you go here. You need to be grounded. Otherwise it can drive you completely nuts. Try Leo’s guided everything. They make so much sense when you go though them in this state. Try Leo’s guided exercise for understanding infinite consciousness. You will literally sense your consciousness making up bubbles and merging everything up  it’s a total mindfuck…

This state is fundamentally not stable. Because your ego is significantly suppressed. It’s fucking confusing as shit. So if you don’t have certain level of discipline, you are going to be just high which is not helpful. The visuals and all that is distraction. If you want to do any kind of focused self-inquiry, you need to go beyond that while being grounded. That’s very difficult. Practice meditation, practice being grounded and FIND THE RIGHT DOSE.

If you listen to Leo while being your usual egoistic self, you will not really appreciate what this man has done. He is the true master. I can’t even imagine the level of control he has over himself to be in this state and make sense of it all. Not only he has the ability to appreciate the experience but he goes way beyond it and actually examined EVERYTHING.  This needs extreme discipline because it’s really hard not to get sucked into everything that’s been infinitely enhanced and then mindful enough and disciplined enough to start self inquiry on his own. Not only that he has the linguistic mastery to actually present it to you in a beautiful way. I used to listen to him once in awhile but found him to be too egotistic which actually turns out to be my ego getting in the way and distracting me from actually listening to what he had to says. What he actually says is fucking beautiful! He can be a true guru who can guide you through these inquiries.  Use him to your advantage because doing it alone requires a lot of fucking discipline. 

 

The teachings that simplify the whole enlightenment into either having it or not having it is WRONG and fucking DANGEROUS. because it’s a fucking rabbit hole. Once you go down the hole there is no turning back. You CANNOT go back to being the previous you. I still don’t know whether I made the right decision because it’s going to be an uphill battle to deal with what I discovered and make sense of it all but it infinitely enhances everything you experience in life and adds so many levels of dimensions that you can appreciate. But it’s fucking overwhelming. It’s really hard on your body because physical body is not equipped to handle this much of anything. But then again it might be because I’m weak and am used to the lower level of consciousness. Maybe you can enhance your physical body to go through this and be okay. 

I have so much respect for people who have this level of consciousness and do their own self inquiry and eloquently organize their realization and present it to me. It’s fucking HARD! 

Find the right dose to take. Can’t stress this enough. There is a point of no return where you literally become God and that’s not the level you want to be. Because you are mostly GONE. But because you are not grounded and you still have the fear of losing your self, you will feel that loneliness and fear which is UNBEARABLE and PERMANENT until you figure out how to get over it. I still haven’t been able to do this so it is agonizing… For me that was 2g of APE mushroom.  .75g for me gives me just the right state to be grounded and examine things at this enhanced level. You still need to fight off the distractions (e.g. visual effects). So find your own right dose. START SMALL. Do not underestimate the importance of this. 

I’m right now trying to deal with that fear I felt when I entered God realization. Once you feel it you can’t get rid of it. You have to deal with the fact that nothing exists and it’s just me. People I love and things I enjoy actually do not exist… that all bearing down on you all day long. It’s tough. 

After my first God realization, some things have changed physically. “Dancing Buddha” for me is now permanent. As soon as I focus on something for more than a few seconds everything starts dancing.  Including these letters I’m typing right now. I also have this odd pressure on my forehead that comes on and subsides throughout the day but meditation makes it very strong. Eyes roll up on their own. But I’m not disciplined enough to enter the elevated consciousness on my own. So need more practice. 

I don’t even know who I’m writing this for anymore because I went too far already.   So in a way this is a reminder for me which is already too late unfortunately… I wish I took the lower dose first so I can work on self enquiry more and prepare myself in some way for the ultimate truth. I wish I took the teachings more seriously and prepared myself more. I wish I was more grounded so I can make more sense of all this. But I have to deal with it now. But listening to Leo is really helping me through this tumultuous phase. Thanks…

[Leo Gura]

You can't really prepare yourself for God realization. It has to blind-side you.

Anyhow, there is nothing to fear. Focus on loving it. It is the most beautiful thing.

[Peo]

2 hours ago, mecca81 said:

This is my 4th and 5th trips. I took 2g APE

¨what is APE  drug?

any  link to information  about  it?

[Flyboy]

34 minutes ago, Peo said:

¨what is APE  drug?

any  link to information  about  it?

Albino Penis Envy  -  it's a strand of magic mushroom

[mecca81]

@Leo Gura thank you. I was hoping you’d give me some guidance on how to deal with all this, so very happy to hear from you. ? I just started really appreciating your work and am grateful for you. 

Edited July 1, 2021 by mecca81

[Breakingthewall]

from what you say it is seen that you know is the reason for fear: attachment to your ego. As I told you the other time, I had very similar experiences and I can say that the solution is to look around you.

With these realizations it is common to see that you are alone and that reality is an illusion. it would be better to use the biblical term "creation". illusion suggests unreality, since from the absolute point of view it seems unreal, but from this other point of view it seems very real. real and unreal are just labels. it is what it is. see the wonder of what it is. everything is you? marvel at what you are. It is not that only you are and your loved ones do not exist, it is that they are you, or you are they. you make yourself infinite company, unfolding yourself in infinite ways .

Facing absolute emptiness is also a challenge for me. the feeling of unease is enormous, but where does it come from? attachment, from where else? that feeling is a guide that tells us where we must work to free ourselves. surely your second trip was too followed to the previous one, little time of integration. Such a realization opens the door to a deeper meditation. It scares but at the same time it frees you and leaves no other way than to free yourself more.

Edited July 2, 2021 by Breakingthewall