Softer thoughts on touchy subjects?

[Jerzee]

I am better at not getting lost in the negative, fearful narrative of my mind than I was a few years ago, I now realize I am seperate from my thoughts and the master of my mind. BUT, one particular subject/situation that is current in my experience is very very touchy.

Long story very short, abusive ex husband dissapeared for 3 years, came back out of the blue for a custody battle full of lies and everyone is believing him and turning things around on me and the entire thing is insane and infuriating. I can't think about it or deal with it without instant thoughts and feelings of rage, injustice, and fear.

I'm desperately trying to soften my thoughts around it, not necessarily to positive thoughts because I'm way too far from there to make that jump. I'm going for neutral thoughts like "Things always work out" and "The worst is never as bad as my thoughts about the worst" but the subject is so charged, its electric.

I avoid the subject entirely if I can. My 7 yr old has been with this man for 3 weeks now, after not even knowing who he was and I can't even allow myself to think about my daughter being with my ex abuser or the thoughts and feelings start. I can feel them in my body. Physically. 

If an email or text or call or court date comes up to deal with it, if someone asks me about it...instantly all the big feelings and negative thoughts flood my mind and body. Sometimes it literally makes me lose my breath. As if someone punched me in my gut. And things unrelated can trigger the crazy thought train to start barreling through my mind. 

I  try to get ahead of it and journal, listing all the negative thoughts, questioning them, reframing them very neutrally... I use EFT/tapping, essential oils, positive affirmations... meditation feels like torture right now with all the racing thoughts. I'm also doing work on releasing anger and EMDR therapy for past trauma.

How do I lessen the charge or soften the thoughts and feelings around a subject/situation that feels so scary and isolated? It feels like my voice on the subject doesn't matter and like I'm screaming into a void. 

I so badly want to see the love in everyone and everything and get to that place of forgiveness(myself and others), peace and bliss but the fear and anger from a lifetime of abuse and uncertainty is creating a fog in my experience where everyone and everything feels evil and scary and against me...at least things dealing with my ex or the legal stuff.

[tsuki]

Please do not confuse love in metaphysical/spiritual sense with love in relational sense.

The primary role of anger is to tell you that your boundaries are being crossed and to mobilize you to action. If you eviscerate that, you will not be able to fight for yourself when you are being treated unjustly.

Instead of trying to love your abuser, focus on loving your children and on loving yourself. 

[RobertZ]

Maybe try pencil crayons (a collage, mapping out thoughts and feelings with words and images)?

Look--you need help with "coping." There is no way you are going to figure this out overnight. You need soothing for your emotions and psyche. You don't need to process and figure this whole thing out right now. Something to help calm your nerves--a clear mind--like guided meditations. Resort to old practices that brought you peace in the past--maybe a hot bath, a long walk, orna favorite food. 

You can work on processing and really feeling the difficult feelings, and reintwgrating your relationship to your memories in time. No sense in reliving it again and again if the memories and fears are hurting you. You will get to healing. Right now, look for comfort. 

A custody battle is just that--a battle. It is a conflict. Your sword and shield in a custody battle is your focus on the best interests of the child. You have many strengths in this conflict. Let me get to your strengths in a moment. 

However, You also seem have some vulnerabilities in this battle that may distract you from focusing on the child's best interests.

 

I'm sorry to be quite blunt, but the Past violence toward you is most likely an irrelevant distraction. He will likely use his domestic violence against you in the worst way. If you bring the topic up, for example, he might suggest that past disputes are inhibiting your judgment; so that you are conflating your hurt with the child's vulnerability. Even if you have third party evidence that the child was exposed to the father's violence, or you have evidence that his violence limits the his ability or willingness to care for the child (which evidence you might not have), such evidence is probably merely one of a dozen factors. Don't get sidetracked on this topic. It's a vulnerability for you. 

Three weeks straight? There is no way a 7 year old should miss you for 3 weeks straight. It's usually not good for kids that age to have long blocks of time away--the parenting schedule should be more along the lines of an evening a week with the dad, plus every second weekend. In any case, the time should be divided within the week--not weeks on end away from the child. It sounds like you lost on some early procedure, or he simply apprehended the child because there was no court ordered parenting schedule.  There should have been a more gradual reintroduction of the father -- in a monitored fashion -- with consultation on decision-making.  3 weeks is outrageous. You probably need a clearly-defined parenting schedule in the interim. This interim parenting schedule should probably be a high priority for you. Then you can go about arguing about details of days and decision-making responsibilities. 

Your strength is in your knowledge of the facts. You know the facts better than anyone else. You know the facts about the 7 yr old's relationship with you--like how close your your relationship is, and the history of care you provided. You know what are the important points to bring up on the topic of the child's needs for (a) stability, (b) his/her personality, (c) health, (d) emotional needs, and (e) physical care. You can listen to the child with a generous and open heart. For example, You can observe his/her ability to adjust to changing parenting arrangements. You have the facts to suggest if cultural or spiritual factors might be important for the child. 

Your challenge is to talk about the facts squarely in terms of what is best for the child. You should talk about what is best for the child with every sentence.

Sorry if Im being too forward. Obviously, I don't know what's really going on. Right now, focus on feeling comfort. Don't be afraid. 

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, RobertZ said:

I'm sorry to be quite blunt, but the Past violence toward you is most likely an irrelevant distraction. He will likely use his domestic violence against you in the worst way. If you bring the topic up, for example, he might suggest that past disputes are inhibiting your judgment; so that you are conflating your hurt with the child's vulnerability. Even if you have third party evidence that the child was exposed to the father's violence, or you have evidence that his violence limits the his ability or willingness to care for the child (which evidence you might not have), such evidence is probably merely one of a dozen factors. Don't get sidetracked on this topic. It's a vulnerability for you. 

This is a very good observation. Be mindful that cycles of domestic abuse are likely to create psychological trauma that can be maliciously triggered against you in court. If you can afford it, I strongly suggest to find professional help: a good lawyer and a good therapist. Strong support in these domains will be invaluable when things get nasty.

Also, be mindful that any sort of spiritual teachings that teach you to sacrifice yourself for a greater good, or for moral reasons is simply false - plain and simple. Steer clear of such ideologies, at the very least until you win the custody battle for your children. You will have time to contemplate this in easier times.