Self Actualization Journal

[Kelley White]

1 minute ago, Leo Gura said:

@Kelley White Is one of your goals to use every emoticon known to man?

It wasn't before.    It might be now!  @Leo Gura

[Kelley White]

2 hours ago, DanoDMano said:

I've been journaling for most of my life and I can tell you from experience that writing down what's in your head becomes an effective therapeutic release. That being said, You must have an enormous head. I find it astonishing the amount of thought your able to share. For me personally if I had that much to think about everyday I'd probably put myself into a self-induced coma every once in a while just for the break.

Seriously though I hope this type of constant thought doesn't overwhelm your life and that sometimes you get to just "stop and smell the roses" as the saying goes. Life's too short to be thinking and doing so much but if your happy then who am I to give advice? Take care.

Good  evening @DanoDMano !

Now I must confess that smelling roses is relevant.  In the summer, I garden and tend and dry my roses for soaps and medicines.  I am however the girl that can immerse herself in hours of research and think about multiverses and futurism, all kinds of things and its fun.   For me the "what is real" question I like to take to the next level, the physics level.  I'm interested in exponential social change, string theory, what the future will look like.  I am very interested in Pearce and abolitionism.   I have a mentor that nicknamed me a Cray mainframe.  Its a party in here.   "Why I can think of at least Six impossible things before breakfast. " Lewis Carroll.

[Baby]

@Leo Gura yes Leo... Thank God...  lol you are hereby emicon god  jk.. 

[Kelley White]

The awkward moment you do self inquiry and realize you were doing more "right" than you gave yourself credit for.....

The two edged sword of living within the meditative state.  

You can live within the meditative state?    Yes.  If someone tells you its all bliss?  They are full of shit.  Run Forest Run! 

If you've suffered severe trauma(s) you might live in a hyper vigilant state.   You might be hyper aware.  Awareness might not be your problem.  Content focus might be your problem.    I suspect by observation for the past few months content focus or lack of focus is more than likely my issue.

(Example, as a violent crime victim and a former officer/trained soldier I am hyper aware in public settings to include using proximics.  (Body placement, spacial awareness.)  I am hyper focused on exit points and walls for safety, who is near me and why. 

The issue?  My focus is built on a belief that public and people = harm; a paradigm reinforced by law enforcement experiences and other direct experiences in my life.   Is this always true? 

No.  I have functioned from within a meditative state, but my focus revealed subconscious paradoxes and creative realities both positive and negative which were subsequently manifested in reality as a result of my focus. 

Thus my observation became once I functioned from a meditative state, if I was focused upon fear, I saw fear in every pattern I observed. 

I, the observer, created the effect.

In turn, if my focus was love, releasing all other content, the pattern I observed was love.  I, the observer, created the effect. 

The second thing which came to me this morning, I am trained to observe and report. 

Since my youth I have been, due to disassociation, detached;  observing, synthesizing and reporting through a creative emotive medium; mostly poetry.  

This was a skill later honed as an officer and private investigator.  It was our job to observe and report and the quality of our observation and reporting impacted the outcome of justice.  

Its considered arrogant by some to say you are smart.  I'm smart.  I spend most of my time observing, meditating and sometimes I lose focus and chase the wrong rabbits/content.   That can be an emotional roller coaster. 

When you are smart, lots of things interest you.   You are curious.  So you chase all content about one topic so you can see every-man's position. 

Perhaps the reason I can think of at least six impossible things before breakfast is I am willing to listen all day and observe the patterns the universe is sending me and then mediate upon what the focus of the message is?  

I am happy when I see my kind attributes; I am sad or ashamed when I see my own hypocrisy and that is when I know this is the area I have to focus on content filtering and correct my own internal course.  Embrace the lesson take corrective action. 

Sometimes I forget and I punish myself.  I will do this until I become aware, and then I can shift focus back to correction so the pattern is broken.

I have expanded both my framework of understanding and my scope of listening beyond and do so every day.  (No alien emoticon available)

I want to know what makes this apparent plane of reality tick.?  How does this reality fit into other realities?  That's just how my brain ticks naturally.  Its my creative idea of fun.   (Again, no alien emoticon available)

Thinking about space, and time travel, and stories; researching sciences and philosophy,so many interesting topics so little time.  Focus can become challenging when it comes to completion; especially when you are genuinely interested in chasing so many different rabbits.   Perhaps all those rabbits end up weaving into a more interesting story?  (Again, no alien emoticon available)

I believe stories can change the world.  They have.   Just think of stories that have impacted your life?  Stories require vision, research, work, imagining; they are in one sense the ultimate meditative indulgence.

That awkward moment you find out you may be wiser than you credit yourself for, you just have to focus your lenses better.

 

 

[Kelley White]

My Question of the Day....

To Bee?

Or to Be?

The nobler question?

Is a man

In motion

Wiser

Than a mind

At rest

Pondering

motion?

[Chris40]

I think a meditation practice would be beneficial to you if you havent already started one.....seems you have very ambitious goals which you need to break down to help you micro manage your life...you truly have one of the most active minds I've seen on this forum so far.

[Kelley White]

On 2/12/2016 at 10:46 AM, Chris40 said:

I think a meditation practice would be beneficial to you if you haven't already started one.....seems you have very ambitious goals which you need to break down to help you micro manage your life...you truly have one of the most active minds I've seen on this forum so far.

@Chris40 Hello!  Nice to meet you. I have a meditation practice, yes.  

You have however observed a definite issue for me.  

Those who have many interests and a broad skill set can have challenging time focusing on selecting one thing.  Add the ability to multi task? 

My focus has been to finish a book.  However, as much as the book I am working on is all my creation?  My ex was the animator/3d artist so there was a collaboration.  Once the marriage ended, I had to heal and then I realized wow, I associate this project now with this other being.  

Add financial practicalities?  I was approaching the speed of light on my sit and spin doing activities which while gleaning external success were not bringing internal peace.

Thus why I am here on Actualized.org.  In the past three weeks, I've:

• Stopped most social media activity that is not automated. 
• Focused more on self actualization
• Signed up for the Life Purpose Course
• Went from hardly eating to eating and eating healthy
• reading more
• Writing daily
• Learning to say no
• Practiced tools learned here in  social settings with success
• Become more mindful of negative self talk
• Learned I knew more, I was stronger, more capable, wiser than I gave myself credit for.
• Have, without resistance found more success with mediation
• Focused more on building a life I like in the "real" world versus living in an "online world."  (Huge)
• As a result become re-interested in my project again, as I take back ownership of other areas of my life.  

As far as active mind...   I will take that as a compliment, thank you. 

 

[abrakamowse]

Nice journal @Kelley White 

[Kelley White]

@abrakamowse, Hi!  Thank you very much.  That is very kind of you.    I hope you are having a good day, or evening whichever the case may be.

[abrakamowse]

2 minutes ago, Kelley White said:

@abrakamowse, Hi!  Thank you very much.  That is very kind of you.    I hope you are having a good day, or evening whichever the case may be.

Afternoon really, I am having a break on my job for lunch. I am about to post my crazy journal soon! 

[Kelley White]

  Good for you.  I will have to check out your crazy journal.   I wish you a nice lunch and may the work day pass quickly and fruitfully.

[Kelley White]

@abrakamowse, Can you send me a link please?  I just scanned the journals and I don't see one originated by you?  Must be blind this morning? Hahaha at me

[abrakamowse]

4 minutes ago, Kelley White said:

@abrakamowse, Can you send me a link please?  I just scanned the journals and I don't see one originated by you?  Must be blind this morning? Hahaha at me

I still didn't post it Lol... I think is a bit long. I will be posting it soon.

 

[Kelley White]

Whew!  I thought I was missing something.  I will look for it tomorrow then or send me a link via Private msg so I can check it out.

 

[abrakamowse]

@Kelley White  Ok, no problem. I will do that!

[Kelley White]

Temple of Imagination

Castles of light
Realities in air
Super-fluidity
No plateau, no stair
Today ‘s nonlinear projection
Tomorrow’s exponential trisection

Story building
Virtual reality
Light’s Intractability
Overcoming resistance

Radical
The paradox
For acceptance

Shamans address
Predilections of the mind
Manipulating the micro-physical
Electromagnetic myth streams
Transcending infinity
Re-vectoring beyond
Gravity’s embrace

Nature overcoming restraint
As all enduring realities
Ever wash away

Distinctions
Traversing holographic imaginings
While remaining the good
The true
The beauty
In one.

©2016 High Tea with Alice by Kelley White

[Kelley White]

My EMDR Specialist gave me a task this week to look in the mirror each day and assign myself a number from on to ten which reflects my sense of self worth that day, one being the lowest, ten being the highest.  <<<< can't seem to do it.

<<<  Dislikes mirrors

<<<  Dislikes selfies of myself

<<<  Dislikes having photos taken of myself period.

My dad started giving me porn at the age of five

<<< Was told I was ugly and teased by the other kids

<<< Was told how non-photogenic I was by Eileen Ford of the Ford Modeling Agency at 14 during a half hour evisceration of every flaw my face and body possessed.

<<< Was set up on dates with adult men by my parents from age 15 on while ignored by guys in high school.

<<< After an entire childhood of sexual abuse my father's last culminating act was to bring home an application for the Playboy Club for me to apply for after I told him I was interested in Bible college.   I joined the Army.

<<< The army resulted in three sexual assaults in a year and a half of service.

<<<  been assaulted, stalked, harassed, demeaned, diminished, controlled, force fed, starved, told what to wear, how to do my hair, how to walk, talk, sit stand, and mostly to dumb down.

As an older woman I have had men repeatedly tell me how stunning I would be if only I got that breast augmentation; aging after all takes a toll.

<<< IS NOT a body but a being inside a body. 

The body?  Its just created problems.  Its either too unpleasing, or so pleasing it gets attention which is harm.

<<< see my responsibility in what I have allowed; that is not the struggle.

The struggle is: being identified with my appearance has caused me harm and I'm not certain how to get beyond that.  

If someone compliments me I default internally to the belief they are being polite to not be unkind.  I don't believe them.  

I was told my flaws from a young age, they were reinforced over and over. 

If they seem sincere then its like my flight, fright thing goes into effect; how are you going to harm me?

Trust, it doesn't come easy; I'm told by many they are mystified I can trust at all.

<<< Western culture promotes the lesson I was taught by my father from a young age; men want women who look like the women in magazines.

Dealing with core trauma at this point from a young age?  I'm trying to figure out how to reprogram this specific default to shame over just looking at the "me" everyone relates to as "me" in the mirror?  I don't see that reflection as "me"?  I learned that reflection was deficient, just created problems.  How do you unlearn that ? 

I really have not found affirmations helpful.  It feels like I'm trying to convince myself of something that is not true.

This is a real core challenge for me to overcome and I'm not really certain how to unravel it on an emotional level versus the mental gymnastics which just never lead to self acceptance at this level.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kelley White]

Today's focus on constructing useful affirmations

 

 

[abrakamowse]

@Kelley White  I think affirmations can make you create another mental "reality" when you need to break free from everything.

 

Did you try mindful meditation and self-inquiry? You won't need affirmations with those.

[Kelley White]

On 2/28/2016 at 6:29 PM, abrakamowse said:

 I think affirmations can make you create another mental "reality" when you need to break free from everything.

@abrakamowse  The paradox?  Knowing on one level "reality is an illusion" and on the other that the illusion is still "real".   

So last week I was a house guest and learned quite a bit about "myself".  

I learned I focus internally more on what I perceive I do "wrong" versus what I perceive I have been successful with.

I then add subtext which is not real, add some all or nothing thinking, some mind reading and fortune telling, we are off to a nice emotional day.

Then I got to recognize I've been "THAT girl."  The one that has had so many sad , challenging things happen to her she thinks (fears) she is the sum of those things, so I'm like, "Hi!  I'm a mess.  Want to be friends?" 

Houston we have a problem here.  

Does everyone need to know "I" have a son in prison within the first five minutes of knowing me or was this my coping mechanism for keeping people at arms length when it was in the media and people were rude, intrusive and curious, so now I default to this sad story of a being  versus a victorious strong survivor? 

I've lost years looking back torturing myself, in turn inviting and allowing others to use me and take advantage of me, then not wanting to be the bad guy  once I've gotten myself in a conundrum, seeking validation for being the victim rather than owning my own power and my choices.   Sucks to face but truth.  

So I start having all these revelation of self defeating things come into my awareness.  I can observe how I start spiraling down this rabbit hole of feeling as though nothing is real, I am nothing, there is no point, and it's depressing, its hopeless...just bottomless black.   "I'm broken, I'll always be broken...blah blah blah."

It hits me.  Assume the worst.  Take things to their extreme.  "If nothing is worth anything to include you Kelley what are you pressuring yourself to prove to everyone every  day?"

Then I started re-framing what I've survived, how far I've grown, focusing differently on the internal things.   I really realized self worth was the issue and I was not focused on the correct data.   I personalized too much.

I've been lying to me about me.   I have sold myself a story, sold myself that story was unchangeable and I was the sum of that story.  The only way I could free myself from that story was to balance the Karma of all the perceived harm based upon my own morality system, and 14 to 16 hours a day of doing for others still left me feeling as though I was not doing enough. 

That's insane right  there. LOL  That's a hyper negative self critic run amok to the point of self destruction right there.   A recipe for disaster.

I see in writing what I've accomplished from behind a computer with poetry in three years and then try to say I'm a loser and now?  This morning?   I can't.  Its so absurd of a lie, I can't believe I believed it.

Right now?  I suspect I've lied to myself for so long about me that I am relieved on one sense.  In another?  Its so overwhelming I m still challenged just sitting with it, allowing the feelings to come and just feeling them.  I've been this one victim for so long?  Getting used to the idea of being that strong survivor and owning that?  That feels rather odd. 

So today, I have an appointment with Voc rehab to see if I can get back into school, the rest of my week is going to be spent here, meditating and being aware of the insane clutter running around in my wee brain, reading, being nicer to me, being creative, allowing myself to breathe.  

It feels like for the first time in years, I can finally breathe.   Like there is some hope and I set down a huge weight I've been carrying.  That's huge.   No more I have to's; what do I want to do?

The what do "I" want question?  Going to really require thought after years of pleasing others and denying myself.

If today is the last day I get, what am I thankful for, what do I want that day to look like?  Create that day.