Sex Diary

[ivankiss]

In my deepest and darkest moments of pain, sorrow and hate... I listened to this song. Thinking about you.

Wallowing in thoughts about how you took my innocent, naive, all-loving heart and stabbed it when I least expected. When I loved you the deepest. The craziest. The sickest.

You knew you had me. Bravo! I must give it to you. You got me really damn good, baby. You are a master at your craft.

It was true when you know who told you that you're not a bad person... you just do bad things. I find that quite accurate.

I've seen your heart. I've dug through all those endless layers of shit and found your spark. I know you cannot deny that. But you sure tried as hard as you could.

I was grieving for the longest time. Grieving the fake version of you, that you pretended so well to be. Grieving the real version of you. That's right. Even that nasty, twisted bitch beneath the mask. And the hurt, little, innocent girl beneath that. I felt the loss deeply. I was also grieving the loss of my innocence. The guy I was before I met you. This friendly, open-harted, optimistic and full of life dude. He died. The day I cut contact with you.

It was painful beyond words, baby. But I let it consume me fully. I showed what I was made of. I stood my ground. I did not look away. And then; I was gone.

I also felt deep, deep pain for you. My poor, little soul. Life has not been gentle with you. You've seen enough. Been through enough. I truly empathize with all that. You know I do.

But I cannot let it poison me, any longer. I had to move on and realign with my highest calling. My truest mission. I hope you can forgive me. I trust you understand. You are a very smart girl.

So yeah...

Fuck you. For all the sick, twisted shit you dragged me through. Fuck you for all the lies. The manipulation. The devaluation. Demoralization. Madness. Hell. But also; I love The Light in you forever, and to that; I am forever grateful. Thank you for setting me free. Thank you for making me see just how fucked up and wounded I was, too. Thank you for keeping me company. Even if it wasn't the highest of the quality, most of the times. Thank you for blessing me with the gift of free will. Freedom of choice. The tone of my voice. The ability to stand up and leave in silence. To give up. To let go. To say 'NO' and mean it. To stand my ground. To transcend and outgrow. Thank you for revealing me my strength. My power. My will. My intelligence. My stupidity. My ignorance. My carelessness. My commitment. Dedication. Vision. Faith. 

Love.

But most importantly; Thank you for this wild, fun, epic, never-before-heard-of story. An epic saga. I am forever grateful for that.

It was, indeed, a movie. As we knew it would be, from the very beginning. We just did not think it would end in pain and betrayal. It was unimaginable. Unthinkable. To me - at least.

It was a dream. A nightmare. A story filled with horror and delight.

And it could have not happened without you, D. 

May you be happy and at peace, wherever you may roam. Hopefully; our paths do not cross anytime soon.

Farewell, my love.

There you were, my precious
Not long ago
Hiding behind the shadows
Of your broken soul

Why is it always
You want something you can never have?
Why did you try to tempt me?
How could you be this way?

Your throat I take grasp (can't you feel the pain?)
Then your eyes roll back (can't you feel the pain?)
Love racing (can't you feel the pain?)
Through my veins (can't you feel the pain?)

Your heart stops beating (can't you feel the pain?)
Black orgasms (yes, you feel the pain)
I kiss your (can't you feel the pain?)
Lifeless skin

There you were, my precious
With your broken soul
Rubbing my crotch elated
Taking control

Why is it always
You fuck up something you have always had?
Why'd you try to tempt me?
How could you be so cold?

Your throat I take grasp (can't you feel the pain?)
Then your eyes roll back (can't you feel the pain?)
Love racing (can't you feel the pain?)
Through my veins (yes, I need the pain)

Your heart stops beating (can't you feel the pain?)
Black orgasms (yes, you feel the pain)
I kiss your (can't you feel the pain?)
Lifeless skin

Here I am, just a man
Feeling pain, gives me life
Relieving yours is my plan
I'd do anything just to see through your eyes

Just to see through your eyes
Just to see through your eyes
Just to see through your eyes
Just to see through your eyes

I hate you, can't you feel the pain?
I hate you, can't you feel the pain?

I hate you, can't you feel the pain?
I hate you, yes, I need the pain
I hate you, can't you feel the pain?
I hate you

Your throat I take grasp (can't you feel the pain?)
Then your eyes roll back (can't you feel the pain?)
Love racing (can't you feel the pain?)
Through my veins (yes, you feel the pain)

Your heart stops beating (can't you feel the pain?)
Black orgasms (can't you feel the pain?)
I kiss your (yes, you feel the pain)
Lifeless skin (can't you feel the pain?)
Lifeless skin (can't you feel the pain?)
Lifeless skin (can't you feel the pain?)

 

 

 

P.S. - I nearly forgot...

Thanks for all the mind-blowing sex, too. And fuck you for the times when you were torturing me; walking around in our apartment naked, and not giving me any. That's just evil.

Fuck you, I love you. Bye.

Edited July 9, 2021 by ivankiss

[Peter Miklis]

4 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

P.S. Thanks for all the mind-blowing sex, too.

You should of ended this post with this, that would be funny as fuck?

[Zeroguy]

@ivankiss You have handcuffs already or have to buy them. Those from sex shop. I still have my pair which I bought 10 years ago. Have rea ones too. Still in service. 

Have fun and don't explain yourself. No need. 

Rokaj bato. 

 

[ivankiss]

@Peter Miklis I wanted to end it many times, but something inside kept me going 

The post, I mean.. 

@Zeroguy I bought handcuffs earlier. I took a picture and posted it on the previous page 

I'm not really explaining myself. More like; expressing myself 

Cepaj Miki!

[Zeroguy]

@ivankiss Wish you fun night .My lady is not here(meant on actual one not forum one lol) I want to bite my arm how much I miss her.Have my work and really should get back to it.

Really had fun time forum too.Was nice.

Will leave your journal .People should support here . All support and to have as much fun and love in your life  as possible .

Edited July 9, 2021 by Zeroguy

[ivankiss]

@Zeroguy Awesome, love you, man!

Keep rockin'!

[ivankiss]

Things are getting a bit dark and heavy today, but do not worry, people. We're all safe. Just keep your head above the water. Breathe.

Here's another masterpiece. A classic.

 

I tried to love you I thought I could
I tried to own you I thought I would
I want to peel the skin from your face
Before the real you lays to waste

You told me I'm the only one
Sweet little angel you should have run
Lying, crying, dying to leave
Innocence creates my hell

Cheating myself still you know more
It would be so easy with a whore
Try to understand me little girl
My twisted passion to be your world

Lost inside my sick head
I live for you but I'm not alive
Take my hand before I kill
I still love you, but, I still burn
Yeah, love, hate, love
Yeah, love, hate, love

[ivankiss]

Lažeš zlato, lažeš dušo, lažeš vještice
Lažeš tvojim slatkim jezikom kurve svetice
Medeno sve mednije
Kobno, ko što niko nikog lagao nije

Postoji milion načina da te ostavim
Ali ne postoji ni jedan da te prebolim
Ja sam crn sedef za tvoje uho
Ja sam ludak od marcipana dušo

Oooo, biće mi žao
Biće meni žao, žao
Uzeće je drugi, uzeće je
Moja biti neće

Lažeš zlato, lažeš dušo, lažeš vještice
Lažeš tvojim slatkim jezikom kurve svetice
"Pjevaj, duga je iznad tebe
Pjevaj, Bog je danas na tvojoj strani, golube"

[ivankiss]

Hűvös lett már az éj,
A fákon nincs már levél,
Hamar elmúlt a nyár,
Magával vitt egy lányt,
Sebzett szívem még fáj
Talán már nem is gondol rám.

Bánatomat dalban mondom el,
Elrejteni, érzem nem lehet.
Próbáltam félretenni,
Álomnak venni.
A valóság úgy fáj,
Túlságosan elrabolt a vágy!

Bánatomat dalban mondom el,
Elrejteni, érzem nem lehet.
Próbáltam félretenni,
álomnak venni.
A valóság úgy fáj,
Túlságosan elrabolt a vágy!

Derűs lesz majd az ég
A remény szívemben él
újra jönnél felém
újra bújnál mellém
Forróbb lenne az éj
Talán már ez halvány szép remény.

Bánatomat dalban mondom el,
Elrejteni, érzem nem lehet.
Próbáltam félretenni,
Álomnak venni.
A valóság úgy fáj,
Túlságosan elrabolt a vágy!

Bánatomat dalban mondom el,
Elrejteni, érzem nem lehet.
Próbáltam félretenni,
álomnak venni.
A valóság úgy fáj,
Túlságosan elrabolt a vágy!

[ivankiss]

Vivo per lei da quando sai
La prima volta l'ho incontrata
Non mi ricordo come ma
Mi è entrata dentro e c'è restata
Vivo per lei perché mi fa
Vibrare forte l'anima
Vivo per lei e non è un peso

Vivo per lei anch'io lo sai
E tu non esserne geloso
Lei è di tutti quelli che
Hanno un bisogno sempre acceso
Come uno stereo in camera
Di chi è da solo e adesso sa
Che è anche per lui, per questo
Io vivo per lei

È una musa che ci invita
A sfiorarla con le dita
Attraverso un pianoforte
La morte è lontana
Io vivo per lei

Vivo per lei che spesso sa
Essere dolce e sensuale
A volte picchia in testa ma
È un pugno che non fa mai male

Vivo per lei, lo so mi fa
Girare di città in città
Soffrire un po', ma almeno io vivo

È un dolore quando parte
Vivo per lei dentro gli hotels
Con piacere estremo cresce
Vivo per lei nel vortice
Attraverso la mia voce
Si espande e amore produce

Vivo per lei, nient'altro ho
E quanti altri incontrerò
Che come me hanno scritto in viso
Io vivo per lei
Io vivo per lei
Sopra un palco o contro un muro
Vivo per lei al limite
Anche in un domani duro
Vivo per lei al margine
Ogni giorno
Una conquista
La protagonista
Sarà sempre lei

Vivo per lei perché oramai
Io non ho altra via d'uscita
Perché la musica, lo sai
Davvero non l'ho mai tradita

Vivo per lei perché mi dà
Pause e note in libertà
Ci fosse un'altra vita la vivo
La vivo per lei

Vivo per lei la musica
Io vivo per lei
Vivo per lei è unica
Io vivo per lei
Io vivo per lei
Io vivo
Per lei

[ivankiss]

Qui dove il mare luccica,
E tira forte il vento
Su una vecchia terrazza
Davanti al golfo di Surriento
Un uomo abbraccia una ragazza,
Dopo che aveva pianto
Poi si schiarisce la voce,
E ricomincia il canto.

Te voglio bene assaje,
Ma tanto tanto bene sai
è una catena ormai,
Che scioglie il sangue dint' 'e 'vvene sai.

Vide le luci in mezzo al mare,
Pensò alle notti là in America
Ma erano solo le lampare
Nella bianca scia di un'elica
Sentì il dolore nella musica,
Si alzò dal pianoforte
Ma quando vide la luna uscire da una nuvola
Gli sembrò più dolce anche la morte
Guardò negli occhi la ragazza,
Quelli occhi verdi come il mare
Poi all'improvviso uscì una lacrima,
E lui credette di affogare

Te voglio bene assaje,
Ma tanto tanto bene sai
è una catena ormai,
Che scioglie il sangue dint' 'e 'vvene sai

Potenza della lirica,
Dove ogni dramma è un falso
Che con un po' di trucco e con la mimica
Puoi diventare un altro
Ma due occhi che ti guardano
Così vicini e veri
Ti fan scordare le parole,
Confondono i pensieri
Così diventa tutto piccolo,
Anche le notti là in America
Ti volti e vedi la tua vita
Come la scia di un'elica
Ma sì, è la vita che finisce,
Ma lui non ci pensò poi tanto
Anzi si sentiva già felice,
E ricominciò il suo canto

Te voglio bene assaje,
Ma tanto tanto bene sai
è una catena ormai,
Che scioglie il sangue dint' 'e 'vvene sai

[ivankiss]

"What has been put asunder
shall again be whole"

In this neon black gloom I still see her face
She comes to me bringing darkest hour, I am forlorn
The pain is reborn

You are forever in my heart you never died
You are forever I still wonder where you are

I know you're dreaming, I know you're at peace
I'll meet you in the dreamtime
Whenever you call me I'll go under, I'll swim through you

You are forever in my heart you never died
You are forever I still wonder where you are
I know you're dreaming neon black

"As the curtain calls, and the cast recedes,
I am all that ever was and all that ever will be.
In wither and repose this frayed chapter
now does close, and fade into neon black"

[Hulia]

2 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Guys, I think you got me confused with someone else.

Clearly; Jonathan Davis is the Real God of Sex.

His music/lyrics are making nasty love to my ears.

Walking, waiting
Alone without a care
And Hoping, hating
Things that I can't bare
Did you think it's cool to walk right up
To take my life and fuck it up
Well, did you...?


I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

OMG. God of Sex??? I would be afraid to be on the same street-side with this guy! Not to mention the same bed-room!

For me super sexy is this guy. His "he-he" and "ha-ha" turns me on  He looks also a little like my turkish friend

 

[Hulia]

@ivankiss I get it now! You don´t want a relationship with J because you want a relationship with Sado and J is more Maso. You like both roles, but Maso you like more, for yourself I mean.

Well please explain it J in this way, than she won´t be VERY sad, hopefully

[ivankiss]

@Hulia Haha; trust me, I do not prefer what was going on in my previous relationship. But it was an epic ride. Lesson learned the hard way.

Furthermore; when it came to sex, I was always the one in charge. I was very dominant with her in the bed. 

It was great. Until it wasn't anymore.

[Hulia]

Just now, ivankiss said:

@Hulia Haha; trust me, I do not prefer what was going on in my previous relationship. But it was an epic ride. Lesson learned the hard way.

Furthermore; when it came to sex, I was always the one in charge. I was very dominant with her in the bed. 

It was great. Until it wasn't anymore.

But you liked her torturing you. If J had tortured you, you´d want a relationship with her, you just couldn´t escape. 

[ivankiss]

Btw, you rooting for things to go south between me and J is kinda evil.

[ivankiss]

Just now, Hulia said:

But you liked her torturing you. If J had tortured you, you´d want a relationship with her, you just couldn´t escape. 

Maybe the old me. Not as I am now.

As I am now; I am wise enough to not commit to a relationship. I'm simply not ready.

Even with a wonderful, honest, healthy, kind, loving and fun girl, as J is.

[Hulia]

3 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

As I am now; I am wise enough to not commit to a relationship. I'm simply not ready.

You are simply not emotionally involved enough. If she could approach your vulnerabilities, the J, and pull on them, you would fall for her whether you want it or not. 

[ivankiss]

@Hulia You think you know a lot of stuff, don't you?