How to stop caring if other people are mad at me....

[spinderella]

Hey, so I know this subject title sounds pretty basic, but I'm actually not new to consciousness work.  I meditate frequently (though not daily like Leo suggests), I've done a ton of journaling and introspection and reading.  I'm experienced with psychedelics and use them for personal growth. I've been into personal development for over a decade, but really moreso over the last five years. 

I still have a tough time when I think my actions are going to make somebody angry.  Simple things - like, if I've gone on say 4 or 5 dates with a guy and I have to break it off, I'm basically terrified that he's going to get mad at me.  Or, I'm going to have to quit my job next week (got a new offer somewhere else), and I'm terrified to tell my boss.  I'm afraid he will be angry, hurt, upset, and generally won't be happy. 

I want to be able to stand up for myself and do what is in my best interest without fearing how other people will react.  

I understand that my thoughts create my feelings.  I have tried to allow myself to feel inwards, as Leo has suggested, and to allow myself to be with the feeling, instead of trying to push it away.  But it feels intolerable.  It doesn't feel like I can stay present with it. 

Also, I understand intellectually that there is no difference between "other people" and "me", but clearly this is not something I understand experientially.  I'd like to know it through my direct experience, and I believe it, but I haven't experienced it myself.  

I feel like I am living my life "small" because of this, and I'd really like to stop doing that. 

Advice is appreciated.  

Edited June 28, 2021 by spinderella

[VeganAwake]

I've found being honest, upfront and working on communication skills can help greatly when dealing with people.

I mean if you're honest and upfront with someone and they are still angry at least you were honest and did your part... we can't make everyone happy.

Also most of the time our minds make it seem way worse than it actually is.

People pleasing can be very challenging to work through. Working on it in baby steps is a good option. 

 

 

 

[RobertZ]

Dear Spinderella,

 

Hello. My name is Robert and I have been following actualized.org and studying psychedelics for approximately 7 years.  

 

You state that “it feels intolerable” to feel inwards into your fear of anger. I think we don’t need to talk about your emotional constellation of fear—because of your dignity and the psychological risks of probing.

 

First, if you do not feel safe for any reason, please reach out to others. Laws (with teeth) to protect people from violence are emerging across the western world. For example, you can walk into to almost any common law court ex parte (meaning only you appear in court without seeing or communicating with the other person) and say you want to get a “restraining order” or a “protection order” against a person. You only have to write down what the person did to make you feel afraid, and you are almost guaranteed to win a court order. I don’t care who the other person is—a boss who yelled at you, or a person who burst a forehead vein when you broke it off. If a person makes you feel afraid, you deserve a court order. If that person crosses you twice—he or she belongs in prison.  

 

Next, I would turn to the topic of respect. What function does your fear serve, in terms of your (self) respect?

 

At a bare minimum, you deserve to have a friend who will not only give you some beautiful jewelry after 5 dates—but who will also show up to work with you and hold your hand for a difficult moment like quitting. You deserve a person who respects you. If you have deep feelings of fear—please address those feelings only if you feel ready. But in the meantime, you deserve someone who will hold your hand through your fears. If you can get some exercise in, that would be a bonus. You deserve some nice things and a person who will respect you through your fears.

 

As for how to not care—I would suggest with some preparation. Don’t give up on the helps that come from reason. Feel welcome to give a reason for your decisions, if you want to give the person a last chance to offer you a better reason to stay. However, other people reacting as if you are an obstacle to what they want is not a better reason than the reason you gave.

 

If you don’t want to give a reason for the thing that might make a person angry, then love and honor yourself enough to know that you are making this decision without an articulable reason because you have a need or desire that you are still figuring out. It is okay not to have all the answers. Being human can be tough—but it’s going to be alright. You are a lovable, good, and caring person.

Edited June 28, 2021 by RobertZ

[WelcometoReality]

@spinderella I have found that fear can be hard to stay with but the more we stay with the fear the easier it becomes to meet it. You don't have to torture yourself and sit with the fear when it becomes unbearable but sit with it until that threshold. Start with 10 seconds and work yourself up. 

Fear is an emotion the body uses to create action. Fight or flight is triggered. If you for example need to tell your boss that you want to quit your job but put it of (flight) the fear will come up again and again until you do tell him. So you prolong the fear by fleeing. By instead surrender to the fear and tell him right away you decrease the time which you feel the fear.

[kinesin]

@spinderella  I notice that both of the examples you gave actually relate not only to 'making people mad' but specifically to disappointing them.  It's understandable that you'd want to not be burdened with such feelings because they are painful, but let me reframe your thinking a little.  It's not only perfectly natural to be concerned for the disappointment of another person, it's ideal - your consideration for their feelings is a good thing.  If you reached a point where you no longer felt any concern whatsoever for another person's feelings when telling them such things, that would only mean you'd become emotionally hard as a defense mechanism against negative emotions, but that hardness wouldn't necessarily lead to better outcomes.  Infact, it'd make things worse, even if you personally felt unburdened.

Remember - bravery isn't about not experiencing fear at all, it means experiencing the fear and still moving forward to do what is right, regardless.

Once you learn to push through fear, you'll find that these scenarios happen less and less.  For example that guy who you went on 4 or 5 dates with - I'd imagine that after 1 or 2 dates you had a pretty good feeling that you weren't a good match, but likely felt pressured by this fear to continue seeing him anyway.  By succumbing to the demands of the fear, it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy where suddenly rather than having to part ways after 2 dates, you have to do it after 5 of them once he's probably developed some genuine feelings for you, thereby causing him to feel the more intense negative emotions you wanted to avoid all along.  If you were able to push through that fear and nip it in the bud, you'd avoid the circumstances which the fear is there to warn you about.

[mandyjw]

I read through your post and notice that most of the resistance is a lack of self love issue, not necessarily in the way you see the problem manifesting as not being able to stand up for yourself, but in resisting the idea of living a "small" life.

We are often taught as girls to please others, make other people happy, serve others, put their happiness first and we build up our sense of self around being the cheerleader who makes others happy. Sometimes we don't even know what we really want for ourselves, we've tried to please and fit the mold all our lives. Life doesn't allow us to be that all of the time. I don't usually mention survival/evolutionary perspectives because I find them limiting ultimately, but there is a huge evolutionarily motive for women to not rock the boat. This doesn't mean you have to be stuck in it, but I say this to point out that it's oh so natural, and not your fault or a personal failing at all.

But we want to live life more freely, in a more enjoyable, fun and empowered way. Ironically the best place to start is to live life small. Make a list of self care stuff, ideas you can do, small things that you truly enjoy doing. Once you start doing that start making lists of bigger things you'd like to do or experience. Once we get in touch with our own pleasure, joy and inspiration what we really want becomes SO CLEAR that our voices when we speak for ourselves inherently reflect it. We gain a kind of power that is already so inherently ours that we don't have to try to achieve it or make it ours. It's already who we really are. 

“We can do no great things, only small things with great love.” -Mother Theresa

Edited June 28, 2021 by mandyjw

[tsuki]

8 hours ago, spinderella said:

I understand that my thoughts create my feelings.  I have tried to allow myself to feel inwards, as Leo has suggested, and to allow myself to be with the feeling, instead of trying to push it away.  But it feels intolerable.  It doesn't feel like I can stay present with it. 

This observation right here is the key to your struggles.

Being at the receiving end of someone's anger sucks ass. You are afraid and ashamed of being who you are and that is precisely why the other person gets angry in the first place. This is not a deliberate choice on their part, mind you - this is a schema they unconsciously developed because it was so effective in the past. This, however, gives them exactly zero rights to act this way towards you, especially if he is being abusive. 

If he is abusive, then you have zero obligation to explain yourself to him. Do a 180 turn and just flat-out ghost him. Being abusive includes: screaming, shaming, name-calling, gossip, physical threats and physical violence. If you can't tell whether he is abusive, or you are too sensitive, ask a friend to go on a date with the two of you.

Now, if you actually are overreacting, then the first step is to stop acting in reaction to this feeling. Just stand there flabbergasted and feel it, looking stupid. That's it. The problem is that you do not allow yourself to feel this feeling. There probably is a deep-seated experience that caused it and expect it to surface. Perhaps one of your parents were emotionally explosive, or too overwhelmed with life to tolerate your "problems". If that is the case, then the correct way of proceeding is to develop: first empathy and then sympathy towards yourself. The latter starts when you actually screen people you hang out with and stop getting yourself involved with emotionally explosive people. This is called "setting boundaries" and is extremely difficult when you are afraid of making other people angry. See the self-reinforcing cycle?

The bottom line is this: you gotta be on your own side. This doesn't mean that you ought to be a dick and push all people away. It means to stop attracting people who encroach onto your kindness. Saying "no" is a start.

[Nahm]

11 hours ago, spinderella said:

How to stop caring if other people are mad at me....

I understand that my thoughts create my feelings. 

“Take these chances, place them in a box until a quieter time - lights down, you up and die... red & black, antenna’s waving - we all do it the same - we all do it the same way.” DM

Stoically remove your nose from other peoples’ business, and get into your life, you’ll love the smell. 

Odds you will inevitably die are 100%, living is the only variable. 

Let us off the hook already. We ain’t ever gonna be perfect. 

[DrewNows]

 

[gettoefl]

someone else's reaction to your decision that they happen to dislike is i would suggest none of your business

why take responsibility for their potential problem

if the person is an important part of your now and future life however then you might feel some due concern

but even then you are not required to do things they way the wish all the time

to be able to say no to someone and have them understand is necessary in any relationship and should be worked on right from the beginning

in summary the no to someone who doesn't matter doesn't matter the no to someone who does deserves skill and practice

 

Edited June 28, 2021 by gettoefl

[spinderella]

@WelcometoReality You are correct, I feel like I delay the fear by fleeing.  I'm spending so much energy trying to avoid the fear and it's exhausting.  I'd like to feel more okay with my decisions, but I keep second guessing myself.  I guess if I felt 100%  certain in my decision (and the potential consequences that come with it) perhaps this would be easier....

[spinderella]

@RobertZ Thanks for your reply.  And just to be clear, since more than one person mentioned it, there is zero abuse happening here.  I'm not exactly sure what I said that makes people think that there would be anything abusive?

[spinderella]

@Nahm This is true, indeed...

I guess part of me is second guessing my own decisions, as well.  Maybe I'm projecting this onto others?

Like, for the new job.  I know I am not enjoying my current job.  I also don't think I will particularly enjoy the new job, but it's more money.  I know for sure that I want to quit entirely and start my own coaching / psychotherapy business.  But I need more financial security first.  Which is why I'd want to take the new job.  I feel guilty for this. 

[Windappreciator]

Yes, men can be terrifying when they get angry. Especially so if your intentions are well but their anger painted with ignorance and misunderstanding. It's almost as if they want you to always be emotionally on their side.

Edited June 28, 2021 by Windappreciator

[Nahm]

7 minutes ago, spinderella said:

I guess part of me is second guessing my own decisions, as well.  Maybe I'm projecting this onto others?

? 

7 minutes ago, spinderella said:

Like, for the new job.  I know I am not enjoying my current job.  I also don't think I will particularly enjoy the new job, but it's more money.  I know for sure that I want to quit entirely and start my own coaching / psychotherapy business.  But I need more financial security first.  Which is why I'd want to take the new job.  I feel guilty for this. 

Why would there be desire, preference, and focus - if what you desire, prefer and focus upon would not manifest? 

The instant you recognize you want more financial security and are receiving it, you are conscious you are creating your reality. 

[Bodhitree]

Hmm anxiety over other people’s reactions can be driven by trauma. It is usually fear of an outsized reaction, which is almost always unfounded, that causes the fear to be taken seriously. When you don’t take it seriously but instead say, what is he going do to hurt me, shout really loudly, then you can be a bit more reckless and live openly with the chances you take. 

[spinderella]

@Nahm But at the same time, I can see that I've made "more financial security" good, and "less financial security" bad.  So I'm still very much (on many levels) living from a dualistic mindset.  

Then I also feel guilty for taking the new job full well knowing it's not aligned with my purpose.  It makes me feel like I'm just delaying my life.  I'm 37 years old now, so I'm not terribly thrilled about delaying my life even more.  Though I also know that 'delaying my life' is just one interpretation, and that this could also mean I'm "setting up my life".  

I'm also noticing I'm making the interpretation that "taking this new job just for the money, with the intent to quit in a year" is disingenuine", but it could also mean that "taking this new job for the money will give them a ton of value in a short period of time and help them get started before I move on to my purpose"...or, I guess that my purpose can't really be separated from this job since, indeed, it is what I will be doing?

I'd love to stop feeling so out of alignment. 

Part of it also my relationship with money.  I have a lot of money saved, I make a lot of money at my job, I just do not really enjoy my life.  But I figure if I can make a lot of money next year, buy a few investment properties and launch my online course, I could have some passive income that would help me start my business.  

You seem pretty smart lol...looking forward to your comments on my comments

[Nahm]

9 hours ago, spinderella said:

I'd love to stop feeling so out of alignment. 

Discordance….. Alignment.

How to stop caring what other people think of me?  I care about how I feel. I let others choose to do or not do the same for themselves.  

I am the one in my story, who meditates, takes psych’s, etc.  My direct experience is only ever that of here, now. 

I believe I make people angry.   I’m in control of how I focus, and therefore feel - and everyone else is too.  

I believe other people need to be happy for me to be happy.  I am Happiness, and feeling tells me so, without fail, without exception. 

I dig in & figure it out, working through difficult feelings.  I listen to Source, not “people” who’ve been conditioned to ignore Source. 

I believe ‘self & other’ is something to transcend.  I laugh, noticing these are just thoughts, like ‘toaster’, or ‘cloud’. I get the joke. 

I actually think & believe there is “fear” & “suffering”.  I listen to source / feeling / guidance, I don’t name it away like muggles & fools.

I guess a part of me second guesses myself.   I laugh because obviously there are not three of me. I am one. 

I am not enjoying my current job.  I change perspectives in accordance with alignment with source / good feeling, I am unconditional happiness. 

I believe in “guilt”.   Thoughts about myself which aren’t true do indeed feel very not true. I appreciate, and really, relish in the guidance, seeking only to know & feel it more intimately. 

I believe I could feel 100% certain.   Feeling is absolute certainty, infallible guidance, creating. 

I have to figure this out to feel better.  I let it go, it works out. Source, appearing as this, is infallible, perfect, and unconditional.
 
I struggle with feeling great now, vs later.  In accordance with direct experience, there is no “later”. 

I believe there is urgency, cause people need my help.  I used to believe in time, and others. It’s me & source from here on out. 

I don’t know what I should do.   I let thoughts go w/o resisting & better feeling, more insightful thoughts always arise.                                           






                 

[Zeroguy]

Hahahahahahahaha 

[WelcometoReality]

11 hours ago, spinderella said:

@WelcometoReality You are correct, I feel like I delay the fear by fleeing.  I'm spending so much energy trying to avoid the fear and it's exhausting.  

Fear of fear. I know that well. I've veen running from fear most my life.