Love yourself first before getting into a relationship?

[SamC]

Okey so this is getting kind of spooky now. Time and time again I hear the message from the girls I've daited and other folks ( honestly mainly girls) that I should love myself and be fine with myself before getting into a relationship.

The last time someone said this was 10 min ago and it was my ex long distance GF. It was honestly a piece of advise I didn't expect or wanted becuase it's scary and I can't wait to love myself, I mean come on. XDXD

My main objections is A: How the fuck is that gonna happen? What if I never love myself and who the fuck does? And B: I want a gf and sex now now now I don't want to wait til I am fixed and love myself. That's scary.

Idk fellow peeps. This was really fucking scary advise to get. It was as she saw me right through and In a way I think she is right.

What do you guys say? Should you work on loving yourself before getting in a relationship or should you go for a relationship? I kinda feel like a relationship will cure my self love problems but it probably wont.

Note: of course I want to work on self love no matter what but do I really have to wait for relationship?

@Leo Gura @bejapuskas

Edited June 25, 2021 by SamC

[Preety_India]

A human being needs love from both self and others. 

Otherwise the word "brotherhood" would have ceased to exist.

Love in all forms is love and is equally desirable.

In the quest for self love, do not reject the opportunity to receive love from others 

In the quest for love from others, do not become their slave 

That's my insight 

 

 

[SamC]

Just now, Preety_India said:

A human being needs love from both self and others. 

Otherwise the word "brotherhood" would have ceased to exist.

Love in all forms is love and is equally desirable.

In the quest for self love, do not reject the opportunity to receive love from others 

In the quest for love from others, do not become their slave 

That's my insight 

 

 

That's an AMZIN insight really. Thank you Preety!

[Nos7algiK]

Allowing yourself to be loved by others will raise your capacity to love yourself with awareness of this.

Increasing your capacity to love yourself will allow you to love others more purely.

Loving others more purely will raise the capacity of love others give to you. 

Thus the cycle continues on itself.

Edited June 25, 2021 by Nos7algiK

[ivankiss]

Let me put things into a perspective for you.

In my past; I've been avoiding being single and by myself. Loving myself - in that sense.

I ended up in a very toxic relationship, constantly being treated like shit.

Then I ended that shit and started spending tons of time by myself. Healing, learning, growing. Crying, cursing, laughing. Loving myself.

Now... I feel fucking amazing and am pretty much being bombarded with pussy.

Life's amazing.

[RickyFitts]

1 hour ago, SamC said:

And B: I want a gf and sex now now now I don't want to wait til I am fixed and love myself. That's scary.

It might be worth your while to inquire into exactly why you feel this way, what's at the root of it on an emotional level. Not that there's anything unusual about wanting a gf and sex, of course, we're pretty much hard-wired to want those things, but if it's coming from a needy sort of place, for example, it'll almost certainly end in heartache.

As for how to love yourself, I'd say a big part of it is reconnecting with your inner child - so often we're conditioned to lock that vulnerable, tender part of ourselves away (this tends to be more true for men, I suspect, though of course it can apply to women too - I've come to think of it as locking our inner child in the basement and turning up the music full-blast so that we can't hear it crying for attention) and then we come to believe, consciously or unconsciously, that there's something inherently shameful about us. But true self-love is complete self-acceptance, and that includes any feelings of shame, guilt, self-hatred, and so on, that we might harbour.

[SamC]

10 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

It might be worth your while to inquire into exactly why you feel this way, what's at the root of it on an emotional level. Not that there's anything unusual about wanting a gf and sex, of course, we're pretty much hard-wired to want those things, but if it's coming from a needy sort of place, for example, it'll almost certainly end in heartache.

As for how to love yourself, I'd say a big part of it is reconnecting with your inner child - so often we're conditioned to lock that vulnerable, tender part of ourselves away (this tends to be more true for men, I suspect, though of course it can apply to women too - I've come to think of it as locking our inner child in the basement and turning up the music full-blast so that we can't hear it crying for attention) and then we come to believe, consciously or unconsciously, that there's something inherently shameful about us. But true self-love is complete self-acceptance, and that includes any feelings of shame, guilt, self-hatred, and so on, that we might harbour.

Yeah I know. It honestly is really tough to feel like you can't love yourself discouraging to feel like I can't accept myself, which is the thing I am trying to accept that I can't accept.

It feels like a hoplesscyckle.

[RickyFitts]

1 hour ago, SamC said:

Yeah I know. It honestly is really tough to feel like you can't love yourself discouraging to feel like I can't accept myself, which is the thing I am trying to accept that I can't accept.

It feels like a hoplesscyckle.

The thing that helped me the most was to learn to how to consciously inhabit my body, because it's in the body, after all, that all our unresolved traumas and upsets are stored, and therefore the body is where our attention needs to be in order to release these things. What you might well encounter when you bring your attention into your body is resistance, in the form of physical tightness and tension - this is a barrier we've created, often unconsciously, to try and block out feelings that feel overwhelming or that we've been conditioned to judge as unacceptable. Become intimate with this resistance, notice exactly how it feels in the body and exactly where in the body it's felt, and simply allow the body to relax and breathe; it does require patience and discipline, but those patterns of tightness and tension will gradually break down, and what was being unconsciously resisted can start to arise and release - this might not feel very pleasant, but it will pass eventually.

I know it's not easy, my friend, but I hope this helps 

[flowboy]

@SamC  What have you actually tried?

No amount of talking or thinking will enable you to break through a lack of self-love.

It requires action.

Examples of this:

• Primal therapy or different kinds of therapy that integrate the inner child and childhood experiences
• Psychedelics, LSD is a good one
• Shamanic breathing
• Doing things that you are scared of but deep down feel you should be doing
• Meditations like love-and-kindness meditation
• Reiki
• Implementing habits to better take care of yourself
• Practicing positive self-talk and affirmations

So let us know what you've tried, and we can come up with suggestions.

Edited June 28, 2021 by flowboy

[SamC]

18 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@SamC  What have you actually tried?

No amount of talking or thinking will enable you to break through a lack of self-love.

It requires action.

Examples of this:

• Primal therapy or different kinds of therapy that integrate the inner child and childhood experiences
• Psychedelics, LSD is a good one
• Shamanic breathing
• Doing things that you are scared of but deep down feel you should be doing
• Meditations like love-and-kindness meditation
• Reiki
• Implementing habits to better take care of yourself
• Practicing positive self-talk and affirmations

So let us know what you've tried, and we can come up with suggestions.

I have tried 

1: self compassion meditation for couple of months ( 5 I think)

2: Meditation for 1 and half year

3: Therapy multiple times.

4: implementing habits to better take care of myself ( putting limits to working and integrating play)

5: Being more vulnerable with other people and showing my emotions ( tried to show me without the mask)

6: Tried to integrate my anima ( feminine side) by applying conciousness to my reactions when reading things that girls have said/ written.

7: Told the truth to my long distance GF that I don't love her, and that just a part of me loved her because it wanted her love.

 

@flowboy

 

Edited June 28, 2021 by SamC

[flowboy]

@SamC Good work!

Do you feel that you are further along than where you started?

I especially recommend:

- Daily affirmation: "I love the man that I have been, I love the man that I am, and I love the man that I am becoming"

- Primal therapy, especially in a 7 day retreat form (pujalepp.com helped me, livingtruthnow.com helped one of my friends)

- LSD trips are great if done responsibly

- Visioning your future self that you want to grow into, and taking courageous steps towards it that you can be proud of

The things you have already been doing sound great, so keep doing what works. You'll have to hammer at it from different angles. You don't have to hold off on relationships until you are 'fixed', just be careful not to fall too deep into codependence and keep doing the work.

[SamC]

3 hours ago, flowboy said:

@SamC Good work!

Do you feel that you are further along than where you started?

Yeah for sure!!

3 hours ago, flowboy said:

I especially recommend:

- Daily affirmation: "I love the man that I have been, I love the man that I am, and I love the man that I am becoming"

- Primal therapy, especially in a 7 day retreat form (pujalepp.com helped me, livingtruthnow.com helped one of my friends)

- LSD trips are great if done responsibly

- Visioning your future self that you want to grow into, and taking courageous steps towards it that you can be proud of

Will look into them all. Thank you!

3 hours ago, flowboy said:

The things you have already been doing sound great, so keep doing what works. You'll have to hammer at it from different angles. You don't have to hold off on relationships until you are 'fixed', just be careful not to fall too deep into codependence and keep doing the work.

This was what i needed to hear. Thanks man!

[flowboy]

@flume

[Jacob Morres]

I think two questions that might help you here might be:

What is the value of loving yourself in a relationship and what would that give to you? 

And what would happen if I didn't love myself? And what impact would that have in the relationship? 

When I answer that question for myself, i received some profound answers personally 

Edited June 28, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Nahm]

@SamC

Great list from @flowboy  I second that. Keep in mind also, the somewhat counterintuitive nature of loving yourself by default, via letting any beliefs about yourself which don’t feel amazing, go. Anything in the vicinity of ‘something’s wrong with me’, ‘I need (vs want) to change’, ‘I should be like a, y or z’,, etc. Like an onion that let’s it’s own layers go. (An onion with love in the center. )

There’s a lot of truth in the perspective that one will continue to attract significant others to balance themself out, or ‘fill the hole’, without being aware one is doing so, as we attract (create) effortlessly. I don’t think it’s a black & white matter though, as in no relationships or dating until you’re at X self-love. Experience helps us see things we can let go of that we might otherwise not see, not to mention of dating etc interaction is an opportunity to be the love that you are. 

[Matt23]

10 hours ago, SamC said:

3: Therapy multiple times

Have you tried Internal Family System's therapy?  It's worked some wonders for me.  Especially in rapidly releasing stuck negative emotions.  It's basically communicating with, understanding, and healing subpersonalities within you.