Fear of Missing Out with Same Girlfriend in 20s

[Kalki Avatar]

@Actualizer777 A man should do this and that. A man should not cry. Should not wear pink. Should have multiple women... 

Do you see this is all social conditioning? Who is it that says a man should do all that? Who defines a man as by what he does? What is a man and who says is that? 

You will run in circles by all the psychological warfare of ideas in society being shooted 24/7. Get yourself right to your own truth and values. 

The stereotype of a real man is just an appearance. Its a social manifestation. It will take some time for you to get free of its many conditionings, since people may not approve you and try to make you feel bad for their own feeling bad. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Kalki Avatar

[mivafofa]

Ok I guess I'm going against the grains here, but imo why having doubts of going open-relationship when literally BOTH you and your gf are liking that idea? 

Why backing down at gaining more experience in anything especially when your soul is craving for the knowledge?  Why stay stagnant when you could learn more by going out of your comfort zone?

Worst that can happen, one of you starts liking someone else, you guys break up and you lose this precious relationship. But there are life lessons learned in there that you wouldn't have gain while staying at the same place, so it is really that bad honestly? Maybe it's not even that precious because it's literally the only relationship you've had. You were only 18 when it started. It's basically the best and the worst you've had, when in fact it could go way worst or way much better. You wouldn't know unless you explore. 

Or maybe the open-relationship doesn't turn as good as you both imagined and you discover you prefer each other in the end and it ultimately reinforce your relationship. 

Who knows? You'll only know by trying it out yourself.  Just make sure to settle down rules together you both are comfortable with, including being 100% honest with each other at any moment of the game.  

[MatteO22]

whatever the decision is, I strongly advise not to be motivated by FOMO, FOMO is a manifestation of insecurity. It’s an ego fear. Acting on it and breaking relationships based on it is unwise and shortsighted.

 

Fomo isn’t good motivation. Ive never ever followed fomo and then felt some form of satisfaction. 
 

it usually implies that there are some things and Experiences you should be doing/having - there really are no ‘shoulds’ in consciousness. …. From a souls perspective you’re already whole so to miss out on anything is a delusion.

 

So before making a decision, sit with it for a period of time. Give yourself a month or two to contemplate. Why do I really want this ? What’s driving me ? Sit and feel into that. What’s the emotion underneath it all ? 

[Preety_India]

23 minutes ago, Lucas-fgm said:

@Kalki Avatar 

 

,  I have an image and conjunct of values of what a strong man should have and live by. 

 

Kinda cute

 

[Byun Sean]

you should ask yourself "what exactly am I afraid of missing out on?"

 

What would you experience with other girls that you can't experience with your current girlfriend?

better sex. Better connection. Etc.

 

Try to pinpoint the exact thing you are afraid of missing out on. Then things should become more clear on what to do.

 

 

From first glance it looks to me like you are afraid of being trapped in a relationship with this one girl because you see it getting boring and

mundane fast. 

The solution to this would be to see if both of you could learn more about each other, spend more time together, put more effort into helping each

other grow and push each other out of your comfort zones. 

If there is no movement or growth relationships can become boring and stale fast.

 

Or sometimes people just aren't compatible for the long term.

 

 

Not saying any of this is you or your situation.

These are just general guesses based on what you've written. Don't take my words too seriously. In the end you gotta figure

out whats best

for your particular situation because you know you and your girlfriend best.

 

You have some deep introspection work to do.

Edited June 23, 2021 by Byun Sean

[hoodrow trillson]

I don't know if I could live with myself when I'm 50 and look back and realized I had zero fun having sex when I was younger tbh.  Life is so damn short and nothing is permanent or promised tomorrow.

[Flowerfaeiry]

14 hours ago, Actualizer777 said:

Hey everyone,

simple question. I am almost 24 years old and I met my girlfriend when I was 18 years old. Everything is great, we love each other, the sex is great, we don't have any real problems. Also, no jealously, no attachment etc. However, I have an extreme fear of missing out a lot of things in my 20s, because she is the only girl I have slept with.

A lot of people I look up to (including Leo) say: "Have a lot of sex in your 20s. Test the playing field. Sample the buffet." etc. But at the same time Leo said "don't manipulate your relationship on purpose" and I cannot imagine that Leo will recommend anyone to quit a healthy and great relationship to go and fuck around.

However, I am afraid of regret if I don't "sample the buffet". What would you guys do in such a situation? When there are no problems with the relationship itself but one is worried and insecure about sleeping with one girl his whole life. We talked about this and we thought that an open relationship could be a solution to this. What do you think about this? And if you don't think an open relationship is the right solution, what do you think could be one? Breaking up? Staying together and remaining worried?

Having sex with lots of girls is going to get you a lot of life experience and will help you grow in ways that being in the relationship will not.

Ultimately you know deep down what is best for you. 

Listen more to your intuition. Get quiet and really tune in. Remember that things take time, you don't have to figure it out all at once. 

[Actualizer777]

@Flowerfaeiry Yes I agree but that is my problem. This awareness of knowing that I am missing out on these experiences, but at the same time a great relationship I don't want to lose. My intuition tells me that I have to sleep with other women, but it also tells me that I should not break up because of that. Therefore, I think an open relationship might be the solution.

[StarStruck]

It is a very personal question. Leo is a different person than you. But we have something all in common. We are all men and we want to live our hearts out in the candy shop. 

I talked to old people who found their gf early on and never had other gfs. They tell me they don't regret it and they don't have FOMO. I don't buy it. They sold themselves the idea that they didn't miss out. 

That is really the bottom line. What do you want to sell yourself? There is no good or wrong. There is only contentment and regret. 

You really need to figure it out yourself. People here are just trying to sell you something. 

[Parththakkar12]

@Actualizer777 Do keep in mind that even if you and your girlfriend are on board with it, it's still not enough to have an open relationship. It's not just about you and her anymore. It's also about the third person! How are the both of you going to accommodate for the third person? How is this third person going to accommodate for the two of you? What if this third person triangulates one of you against the other? The politics can get very real.

If you incorporate a fourth person, it's not just about the three of you anymore. It's also about the fourth person! How are the three of you going to accommodate for the fourth person? How is the fourth person going to accommodate for the three of you? All three individuals?

In an ideal world, everything would go smoothly. But, having had a relatively secure relationship for 7 years, you'd know better than me how hard it is to make relationships work. If you don't, your relationship is a dream relationship in which you've never really faced any struggles... yet. Keep it going until it lasts!

[Actualizer777]

@StarStruck  yes I agree. So why not try an open relationship instead of just breaking up?

[StarStruck]

Just now, Actualizer777 said:

@StarStruck  yes I agree. So why not try an open relationship instead of just breaking up?

Is she OK with it? If so it would be a no brainer..

[Actualizer777]

@StarStruck Yes she is. Thank you, that is what I am asking mainly. It seems like the only reasonable solution. Why break up with a wonderful girl if you can open up the relationship?

[StarStruck]

3 minutes ago, Actualizer777 said:

@StarStruck Yes she is. Thank you, that is what I am asking mainly. It seems like the only reasonable solution. Why break up with a wonderful girl if you can open up the relationship?

She might find somebody better or you might find somebody better. Or jealousy might come into play....You might also become jealous when she goes with bigger guys than you. 

[Actualizer777]

@StarStruck 

1 minute ago, StarStruck said:

You might also become jealous when she goes with bigger guys than you. 

I don't think I have too much competition here tbh. But sure jealousy is part of the deal I guess. But on the other hand, if we break up, she will sleep with other guys as well. The only scenario in which she would not is staying in a closed monogamous relationship, and I think I have decided that I don't want that.

[Javfly33]

It's clearly you don't feel complete around her. If not you wouldn't ask this. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

@Actualizer777 an open relationship requires extreme amounts of communication and effort. Try it out, actually sleep with someone new, see how you two handle it and then go from there.

It's not going to be the same as if you were single because you will always have that relationship hanging over your head and it will be less "free" and more of a constricted type of sleeping around. That's kind of the point, for it to be loose and not tied down. 

[Guest Tobia]

@Actualizer777 to be very direct: pussy is all the same. Human beings are all essentially the same, except for superficial aspects which they glorify and identify with. 

There is not much to be gained from others, most humans struggle to accept that aloness cannot possibly be escaped.

Don't be conditioned by some other dude's opinion (Leo included) who says you must do this and that. Who cares what others do.. most people are idiots anyway.

What is it that you think you are missing?

Is it something to be found in having sex with many other humans?

If i were you, rather than focusing on what to do practically I would instead first take a closer look at why our minds our filled with fear of missing out. What is the mind looking for, and why?

[Arcangelo]

When there's a doubt there is no doubt

[flowboy]

On 24/06/2021 at 11:48 AM, Actualizer777 said:

@Flowerfaeiry Yes I agree but that is my problem. This awareness of knowing that I am missing out on these experiences, but at the same time a great relationship I don't want to lose. My intuition tells me that I have to sleep with other women, but it also tells me that I should not break up because of that. Therefore, I think an open relationship might be the solution.

@Actualizer777 I've had an open relationship for this exact reason and learnt a lot from it in a year. It's possible but not trivial. Feel free to ask me anything, in PM or on here.

Some considerations:

• Have you pictured your girlfriend having sex with other guys? How does that make you feel?
  • If she does, she's going to want to talk to you about it. How much do you want to know?
  • What if the other guy has bigger muscles, a bigger penis, or more money than you? Would you still be fine with it?
• What will be the rules of this engagement? You definitely need some rules, because without them she won't feel supported and bonded like you are still together, when she is with another, and the relationship will start to fall apart. Don't have too many or too strict rules either, because those will invite unnecessary conflict.
  • Sleeping over, okay or no?
  • Have dates come over to her/your place, yes or no?
  • Exes okay, yes or no?
  • Texting with your dates while spending time with each other, yes or no?
  • Sex only, or emotional intimacy allowed? Most women need to build up some level of connection before they can enjoy sex.
  • Once and done, or can you stay in contact with your dates and meet multiple times? Is it okay to keep talking to them indefinitely?
  • Can you veto the date of your partner?
  • Do you have to meet your partner's date before they can sleep together?
  • Do you have to tell your dates about your relationship before anything happens?
  • Do you have to ask your partner permission before anything happens?
  • What if you don't like her date, or vice versa?
  • How will you make sure you still spend enough time with each other? Are you allowed to cancel plans with each other in favor of a date?
  • Do you have to tell your partner about what happened with someone else, and if so, in how much detail? Or will it be 'don't ask, don't tell'?
  • Date people you both know, yes or no?
  • Meet the person that your partner is dating, yes or no?
  • Use a condom always? Even with oral sex? What about cunnilingus?

To minimize fallout, make sure to have the rules of engagement defined unambiguously and thoroughly. What is and is not okay. Write it down (trust me). Make sure it's not so complicated that it becomes hard to stick to and easy to trip up. Just the minimum to make both of you feel safe, and think through any possible situation that might come up beforehand.

Make sure you are both completely comfortable.

Leave room to alter the rules together if it feels right.

Prepare to learn some uncomfortable lessons about female sexuality.

Agree to go back to closed relationship if either of you wants to.

Value trust and being trustworthy above all, don't ever 'wing it' when it comes to what you agreed, and never selfishly cross a boundary in the heat of the moment.

Agree to cut off contact with people who don't respect your relationship, and who try to have either one of you for themselves, or mess with your rules in some way.

Edited June 28, 2021 by flowboy