Fear of Missing Out with Same Girlfriend in 20s

[Actualizer777]

Hey everyone,

simple question. I am almost 24 years old and I met my girlfriend when I was 18 years old. Everything is great, we love each other, the sex is great, we don't have any real problems. Also, no jealously, no attachment etc. However, I have an extreme fear of missing out a lot of things in my 20s, because she is the only girl I have slept with.

A lot of people I look up to (including Leo) say: "Have a lot of sex in your 20s. Test the playing field. Sample the buffet." etc. But at the same time Leo said "don't manipulate your relationship on purpose" and I cannot imagine that Leo will recommend anyone to quit a healthy and great relationship to go and fuck around.

However, I am afraid of regret if I don't "sample the buffet". What would you guys do in such a situation? When there are no problems with the relationship itself but one is worried and insecure about sleeping with one girl his whole life. We talked about this and we thought that an open relationship could be a solution to this. What do you think about this? And if you don't think an open relationship is the right solution, what do you think could be one? Breaking up? Staying together and remaining worried?

[Parththakkar12]

@Actualizer777 Is she happy with the relationship? Or does she feel the same way, that she wants to sample the buffet?

If she feels the same way, then you can have an open relationship and that would be that. But, if she doesn't feel the same way, that's not the best sign for the long-term prospects of your relationship working out. Alarm-bells should be going off for you in that situation!

In such a situation, you could 'take a break' from your relationship for a few months, date around and see where that takes you! That would clear your mind about the whole situation because you will have explored monogamy and the buffet in a broader sense.

Edited June 23, 2021 by Parththakkar12

[Actualizer777]

@Parththakkar12  I am not sure this is an either or question. I would says she is happy with the relationship (so am I) AND she also wants to sample the buffet.

We both feel the same way. We are happy but we both want to sleep with other people a couple of times to not miss out on our youth. That's why we thought that an open relationship might be a good solution.

[Terell Kirby]

@Actualizer777 just know the feeling is natural. The main thing is to be totally transparent and honest with yourself first. I had an ex I dated for three years in my 20's that I ended things with after having similar feelings. It was scariest decision ever, and she was hurt by it. It hurt me too, but after a while I go over it, and started to live authentically in my dating/sex life. Just ask yourself two things:

1. Can you see yourself with this person for the rest of your life?

2. Do you want to be with this person for the rest of your life?

If you don't want to be with this person, You'll notice your stomach turns when you ask yourself these questions.

[Mason Riggle]

@Actualizer777 playing with fire IMO... but maybe not. I don't know the two of you. 

Have you considered sleeping with men?  What if you're missing out on a great experience? How many women do you think you will have to 'sample' to get a good idea of whether or not there's something you're missing out on?  You could sleep with 1000 women and realize you've only sampled like .00002% of the buffet..  (I ask these things rhetorically, for your consideration, not looking for your answers.)

My suggestion (and it's only a suggestion, based on my life experiences, which may be completely different from yours) is this: when you are experiencing FOMO... practice gratitude for what is true in this moment, which is all you truly have. 

"We manage to never really connect with the present moment and find fulfillment there because we are continually hoping to become happy in the future, and the future never arrives." - Sam Harris

[Actualizer777]

21 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

1. Can you see yourself with this person for the rest of your life?

2. Do you want to be with this person for the rest of your life?

@Terell Kirby Yes and as funny as it sounds, this is my biggest problem. If I didn't think that I could stay with that person forever potentially, I would just break up and move on. That would be easy. My issue is that our relationship is very extraordinary and great, but I still have these strong feelings of missing out on all the single life experiences.

[Actualizer777]

 

22 minutes ago, Mason Riggle said:

Have you considered sleeping with men?  What if you're missing out on a great experience?

@Mason Riggle I know it was a rhetorical question, but I think this is not an accurate comparison. I have zero interest in sleeping with men. On the other hand I have a lot of interest in sleeping with women. On the one hand this is because of sexual desire but on the other hand it is also for my self-esteem. I don't want to be the guy who has only slept with one girl his whole life.

24 minutes ago, Mason Riggle said:

How many women do you think you will have to 'sample' to get a good idea of whether or not there's something you're missing out on? 

This question is again rhetorical but I think the answer is important, because I think there actually is a limit. Of course the sexual desire for variety is never going to go away, but my insecurity would go away if I have had at least 5-6 sexual partners. I feel like this number is normal and nothing to be ashamed of, whereas one is pretty pathetic.

[Mason Riggle]

@Actualizer777 once, when I was in my teens, there was a movie that all my friends were excited to see, and naturally I wanted to see it to.  When I was invited to go with those friends to see the movie, my mom did not allow me to go.  I had such intense fear of missing out, that I acted out, had a temper tantrum, behaved extremely poorly, etc.  Well, my mom is not a pushover, and doubled down, vowing to never give me permission to go see that particular movie.   I was devastated over what I was potentially missing out on. 

To this day I have never seen that movie.. and I don't miss it one bit.  It's not even a thought that crosses my mind (at least it hasn't for many years until now). 

I hope you get my point. 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Mason Riggle

[Terell Kirby]

4 minutes ago, Actualizer777 said:

On the one hand this is because of sexual desire but on the other hand it is also for my self-esteem. I don't want to be the guy who has only slept with one girl his whole life.

Is she your first? In this case, as a heterosexual male, I would say the chances are slim you'll be together long term. And if you want to sleep with other women because you haven't experienced it....at all....you shouldn't feel bad about it.

I say let your nuts hang man, you may want to look into high consciousness pick-up to improve your skills with women. Dating and having sex with many women does build you self esteem to an extent. Just don't make it your religion..it's a phase you will pass through, and will prep you for a higher quality long term commitment to a woman you are compatible with..sexually and emotionally.

Edited June 23, 2021 by Terell Kirby

[Actualizer777]

@Terell Kirby Yes she is my first. So you are really suggesting that breaking up (even though there are zero problems besides the FOMO thoughts) is the right solution? It doesn't seem like a very good decision to end a relationship that is going well, just because of wanting to sleep with other women. Why would you prefer breaking up rather than opening up the relationship?

[Terell Kirby]

@Actualizer777 You may want to reframe your thinking here. Just because you don't have any problems in your relationship on the surface, does not mean you are happy. In the end, only you know if you are happy. And honestly, you even asking these questions tells me that you are not really fulfilled in your relationship..

There are plenty of people who are in relationships where there are no issues per say, but they are miserable on the inside...because they know deep down the relationship has ran its course. So instead of asking me these questions...I'll say, again, that you focus on these questions for yourself:

1. Can you see yourself with this person for the rest of your life?

2. Do you want to be with this person for the rest of your life?

Your spirit and intuition knows the answer to each of these. And if there's any doubt..it will continue to nag you, internally.

Edited June 23, 2021 by Terell Kirby

[Actualizer777]

@Terell Kirby  Why do you think I am not fulfilled in my relationship? Even in the most perfect relationship possible I would be insecure about the fact that I have only ever slept with one person.

[Roy]

Stop overthinking and possibly self-sabotaging the relationship by worrying about juvenile selfish stuff like "sampling a buffet" (lol how material does that sound?). Why throw away a good thing? Definitely don't seriously entertain the idea of an open relationship either.

ENJOY your current relationship! Love the hell out of each other, spend time together, grow together.

Look @Actualizer777. It's both your first serious relationship right? Let's be honest, chances are this thing isn't going the distance. Enjoy it for what it is. Maybe within the next few years you split up. You'll still be in your mid/late 20's and then you'll be able to "test the field" all you want. Hell even if it happened later in your 30's or 40's who cares? Is there an age limit on enjoying yourself and having sex with people?

People need to seriously stop with this archetype of how relationship cycles are supposed to function in life. Don't behave like fuckin sheep! Grow a pair and take your own journey, and don't apologize for it. You don't have to bang 10-20 girls as a prerequisite to become a "man" or find "the one" girl you want to settle down in your life with.

Especially don't do it just because "Leo said so".

[Actualizer777]

@Roy Thank you for your answer Roy.

Yes it sounds material, but it is Leo himself who uses this phrase over and over again in his videos about dating. In his "How To Be A Man" video and also in his "Advice for College Students" he says that a man needs to test the playing field and have different sexual partners.

Regarding the open relationship: Why would you not consider it?

And maybe it won't go the distance but what if? I mean, after all it is already going for almost 7 years and we are still happy.

[Terell Kirby]

14 minutes ago, Actualizer777 said:

@Terell Kirby  Why do you think I am not fulfilled in my relationship? Even in the most perfect relationship possible I would be insecure about the fact that I have only ever slept with one person.

If you were fulfilled, you wouldn't have a fear of missing out.....

There are relationships that are secure to where this isn't even a thought, and that's an example of a secure relationship. Yours doesn't sound like it.

I understand you are fearful, but take it one day at a time, and do what you're heart feels is right. Life is too short to be questioning if you want to remain in an intimate relationship or not. Be more decisive.

[Roy]

1 minute ago, Actualizer777 said:

Yes it sounds material, but it is Leo himself who uses this phrase over and over again in his videos about dating. In his "How To Be A Man" video and also in his "Advice for College Students" he says that a man needs to test the playing field and have different sexual partners.

There is value in what he's saying. But it doesn't apply to be useful or the right advice for everyone. He's not a paragon of relationship mastery either btw. There are many others to learn from.

3 minutes ago, Actualizer777 said:

Regarding the open relationship: Why would you not consider it?

I think it's an extremely rare thing that only certain couples can pull off, so chances are you are both that kind of person are low.

Also it's usually much older people who have accumulated huge amounts of experience and understanding of themselves that they can do it healthily.

Like someone said it's playing with fire.

5 minutes ago, Actualizer777 said:

And maybe it won't go the distance but what if? I mean, after all it is already going for almost 7 years and we are still happy.

If it did go the distance, what's wrong with that? Stop trying to analyze and pick apart happiness, it's in your hands!!!!

[erik8lrl]

Don't blindly listen to Leo. He is talking in very general terms.

Follow your own heart and do what it truly desires.

[Parththakkar12]

@Actualizer777 Have you considered the ramifications of the desires of the third person who enters it? It's hard enough to resolve conflicts between two people. Do you have a strategy to resolve them with more people?

Do keep in mind that the more people come into the equation, the more unstable the equilibrium of your relationship becomes and it won't be long before it'll be a powder-keg waiting to explode.

Conflict-resolution is the real work of your relationships. The better you're able to handle conflicts, the more secure and stable your relationships are. If the conflicts don't get resolved, your relationship is a dead relationship. It's just a matter of time!

Put very heavy emphasis on conflict-resolution. Do not mess around with it, it's very important! Take it very seriously. I'd suggest you do it with your one partner first, get good at making it work with her specifically, before you bring in more people and consider doing it with them! Your strategy to resolve conflicts will be unique to your relationship, so do keep in mind that the same strategies may not work with other people. Whether you get into an open relationship, or you break off this one and go dating around.

[Kalki Avatar]

You are creating unncessary problems. 

Leo speaks in a general way and it also depends how you interpret it according to the context of your situation. Also, he doesnt know whats best for you and anyone particularly. 

If there was no real problem, the problem now was originated in your mind by you. Its illusory. 

You will regret dropping a good healthy relationship for all the garbage out there. Also, Its not easy to find and build another good relationship. 

What you want is happiness? And you say you are happy in it. But now your ideas of happiness are ruining your happiness. 

From my experience, I would continue on my journey as everything aligned with it stays accordingly. Meaning, you will waste unnecesary energy and time to come back at the same starting point or even better, just staying alone. Dont manipulate unless you are about to die or get killed. Manipulation in relationships brings misery to you and her by creating and mixing bad karmas. 

The relationship will fall by itself at its time accordingly if its meant to. 

But, relationships are limiting aswell. You want expansion and growth. You have agreements in it that limit both of you. This is the reason I dont like relationships with tags. In this case, the ideal scenario would be if your gf would only be a Lover friend. No expectations, agreements or limits. 

Are you secretly unhappy while believing your happy? Investigate calmly the reasons of your wanting to change. Forget about gurus advice. 

[Nos7algiK]

I wouldn't cling to Leo's words on relationships too much. There is some wisdom to be had in them, but at the same time he was very big into pick-up which I believe creates a biased in his advice. If you are happy now, then there is really no reason to intentionally destroy what you have just because you have a fear of the unknown. Rather, missing out on something that you haven't experienced yet. There is a good chance you would highly regret doing anything to harm your relationship just because you want to try other girls out for lack of a better term. Even if it did give you temporary pleasure eventually down the road you would most likely find any lack of meaning in what you did.

Anther thing is, you really need to stop thinking about it. Even the thoughts alone could potentially harm your relationship due to how it will warp your own view on what you have. You may look for reasons to see flaws where there is none to justify your desire to try others out. You are still young and you have someone that loves you sincerely. Cherish both of those and allow your relationship to naturally continue to blossom or it could even end one day. Either way just allow whatever happens to happen. Don't think too much about those thoughts and it's not unnatural to have them, specially considering the situation of her being your only partner so far. But, our thoughts do not define us.

Edited June 23, 2021 by Nos7algiK