Can't force myself into programming

[28 cm unbuffed]

I know it sounds dumb, but I just can't force myself into programming. It's something I was doing for 2 years, yet I left this job to take a break in life in general and rethink my motives and what do I want to do going further. 

I'm feeling lost. I know it's a lot smarter way to go about my purpose too - move to a big city, earn more money, with an easy, comfortable job, it all makes perfect sense, yet, I just cannot force myself to do it. 

I was like - ok, maybe this is a sign, that I shouldn't do it and find something else, but I lost too much time already. I feel like maybe there's some inner conflict, but I really cannot find any. Another thing I was thinking about was "being afraid of leaving survival mode" and start thriving and it's on a subconscious level. Or maybe I'm just procrastinating and deluding myself (don't think so, I'm a pretty productive person and I do a lot of stuff every day, but maybe..).

It's like my 3rd or fourth attempt over this year to force myself into learning programming and finding a job again in this industry, but I just fucking can't. It's frustrating as fuck. And my current job is even more fucking frustrating. I'm lost, please help.

[JosephKnecht]

Sounds like you need to deprogram yourself.

Programming is a mental activity in which you try to learn the rules of the programming language. Programming languages are created by people(nerds). Maybe you don't think like a nerd? 

To know a computer language well is to know all the rules that the nerd programmed into his compiler. Then, you use these rules to create a program yourself. Maybe you don't have good ideas about what you want to create?

When you don't try to force yourself into programming, what activities do you actually enjoy doing? Maybe you should discover what are your true passions? 

[Nahm]

5 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

I feel like maybe there's some inner conflict, but I really cannot find any.

It’s in the approach, outlook, attitude, perspective. It can never be found, because we’re always creating on the fly. It can always be changed, because we’re always creating on the fly. 

Old paradigm:                             New paradigm: 
Forcing.                                         Allowing. 
Forcing myself.                            I am myself. 
I know it sounds dumb.             I care how I feel, not what anyone thinks. 
My motives.                                 Inspiration. Feeling great. 
I lost time.                                    I am presence. 
I’m productive.                            I’m aware of focus; it’s always now. 
Pressure, frustration.                 Willingness, letting go, contentment. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Nahm

This is really great and you just showed me, there is still a lot of work to do on this behalf (even tho I thought I'm flowing through life pretty easily and effortlessly). I understand what you're saying and I'll just allow it all to unfold for me. Thank you! 

[impulse9]

You really can't be a good programmer unless you thoroughly enjoy the craft. Programming is one of those things where you can't work for 8 hours and go home and ignore it. To create proper solutions you'll be deeply invested in your work to the point where it will consume your entire life. I started programming 20 years ago and have been doing it professionally for nearly 15 years, and I can tell you from experience that there's two kinds of people, those who can do programming and those who can't, and I don't really know why. If you can love code, it's for you. If you can't, you should probably find something else to do, something you will enjoy.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@impulse9 

I think I can, I really enjoy getting into zone and "thinking without thinking" state, solving problems. It's just technical stuff, names, labels, etc., that bores me, but hey - there is no perfect job.

[impulse9]

90% of the work is going to be a grind. It's worth it for that 10% that isn't.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@impulse9

K, got it, hustlin', thank you

[Bob Seeker]

I tried to force myself into data analytics thinking I could move to Austin, do pickup, have money, etc. I lasted only a few weeks of DA certification course. Now I’m working concrete construction to bootstrap an epic voyage of discovery and I’m going to employ creative hustle for my purpose. The women can wait if they must.