Anyone have some advice around open relationships?

[Peter Miklis]

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Cepzeu Most girls would be overjoyed if you told them you want to commit.

I don't see the problem here. If she truly wants to sleep around with other dudes that tells me you're not being a very attractive guy. She should be begging you for your commitment.

Believe it or not, there are girls out there, who will sleep around no matter how attractive their guy is. You can be 10/10 on everything, but that doesn't guarantee a person will stay with you.

Plus, no one can be attractive 100% of the time. There will be times when your specific flaws and unatractive quirks will show up, no matter how hard you try to hide them. Which is why most relationships are destined to fail, because people can't accept their partner's real self, only the shiny self covered in gold.

[flume]

On 23/06/2021 at 9:49 AM, Cepzeu said:

I feel like I should bring this up with her. I'm open to whatever she wants for herself, but my position is that unless it's monogamous, then I don't want to progress the relationship forward.

Great! Seems like you're very much in touch with what you want. Now all you need to do is communicate and see how compatible you two are

On 23/06/2021 at 9:49 AM, Cepzeu said:

if she doesn't want to be committed I'm happy to stay where we are at or move apart.

Think about if it would really make you happy to stay where you are. Probably not, otherwise you wouldn't have written this post. It's quite sexy when a man has the confidence to stand by what he wants and isn't afraid to walk away if you're not on the same page. It's not easy to do, especially if you don't have a lot of experience with intimate relationships. But it will serve you greatly.

On 23/06/2021 at 9:49 AM, Cepzeu said:

I feel like this is a boundary I want to assert - I want to be intimate with one person and I want to be treated the same way.

Again, super hot. Stay true to who you are. Tell her about it. Then the decision is hers.

Good luck! 

@NoSelfSelf You're behaving childish. A person should not be made fun of for a totally valid question that is a sign of healthy self-esteem. Check your bias. That this is coming from a moderator is not acceptable.

[Karmadhi]

@Peter Miklis Plus sex is considered less and less as something that should be charished and done with someone you love and more as casual feel good experience. A girl that sleeps on a first date will be more likely to cheat than a girl that takes 5 dates to sleep with you. Reason is that if she takes longer to sleep with you it means she cherishes sex more and therefore will be less willing to have it on a moment of weakness or drunkness for example. This is a bit of a paradox for us guys because we all love girls to be able to sleep with us easily however we want them to be loyal only to us. It is the equivalent of the girls that want a strong ruthless guy to date but to her he will be super nice and kind. That often does not happen. Girls know this well which is why they hesitate to sleep with a guy very fast. 

Note to other: A girl that sleeps easily with you is great for casual relationships but tread carefully for serious relationships.

Edited June 27, 2021 by Karmadhi

[Peter Miklis]

@Karmadhi Yeah, that is such a human problem. We want to have the cake and eat it too. Doesn't work that way, unfortunatelly.

[somegirl]

Stand your ground and let her know what you said here. Obviously you wouldn't be so happy to stay as you are now, because you stated you would want a exclusive monogamous relationship with her.

[Leo Gura]

8 hours ago, Yali said:

@Leo Gura

Question,

How long do you typically wait for sex? 1st date? 2nd date? Or does it not matter?

I try for 1st date but if she isn't ready then I just slow down and ease up until whenever she's ready.

Sometimes there are just logistical obstacles and sex cannot be had.

It's all about being adaptable to the circumstance. It's not hard to read her readiness level once you got a lot of experience.

3 hours ago, Peter Miklis said:

Believe it or not, there are girls out there, who will sleep around no matter how attractive their guy is.

And is that a kind of girl you want?

Screen, screen, screen early.

[Yali]

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

I try for 1st date

@Leo Gura

What's the longest you'd be willing to wait? The 3rd date? I feel that to be the limit, and a traditional women would probably prefer that.

I've just moved to Atlanta -- so we got a lot of traditional women here.

Edited June 28, 2021 by Yali

[Girzo]

3 hours ago, Yali said:

What's the longest you'd be willing to wait? The 3rd date? I feel that to be the limit, and a traditional women would probably prefer that.

You wait however long you want to wait. Why invent some stupid rule, what if she wanted to do it on the third date but had her period that day? And a girl can have some more reservations if she is still a virgin. It's a pointless idea to put such a hard rule in the first place.

[Kshantivadin]

Cohabitating in an "open relationship"? 

Whoops. What have you done heh.

Good thing you can actually walk away though. Next time try not to put yourself in a situation where you need to assert your boundaries overtly.

and whatever you do, don't issue ultimatums. powerless move.

Best of luck in your love life!

[Peter Miklis]

14 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

And is that a kind of girl you want?

Screen, screen, screen early.

I actually don't mind, because I also want to sleep around. It would be utmost hypocritical from me to expect woman to stay loyal, while I sleep around, no?

[CBN]

On 23/06/2021 at 8:49 AM, Cepzeu said:

I've been with a girl for 6 or so months. We like each other a lot but decided not to rush to anything and stay open. I saw some other girls in the first month, but no one else after that Now I'm at the stage where I've spent some time with this girl (we live together, flatmates) and we both like each other. 

We've been open but other than the girls in the first month, neither I nor her have seen other people. We've both never done it before and I guess we just wanted to try it out.

My preference would be that to move forward in the relationship I would like to be monogamous. I tend to put energy into a relationship and try to lift both myself and the other person up. I personally don't like the idea of my girlfriend sleeping with other guys. That's just my preference. And I feel like at this stage our relationship has progressed to more than just fooling around. 

I feel like I should bring this up with her. I'm open to whatever she wants for herself, but my position is that unless it's monogamous, then I don't want to progress the relationship forward. I don't have the time or desire to manage multiple relationships and if she doesn't want to be committed I'm happy to stay where we are at or move apart.

A part of me feels that I'm being insecure, I've had problems with dating in the past and she is definitely the best I've had. But at the same time, a part of me is much more confident than I was before and I feel like this is a boundary I want to assert - I want to be intimate with one person and I want to be treated the same way. Also, I'm at a stage of self acceptance and confidence to where I am willing to walk away if something doesn't suit me. I've been codependent in the past and I've learned from my mistakes.

TLDR in an open relationship but not really acting on it. Wanting to develop depth with one girl rather than breadth with multiple. Am considering that sleeping around is less fulfilling than building depth and intimacy with one person.

Thoughts? Ideas? 

I'm interested to hear people's perspectives

 

 

If you want to move forward with a monogamous relationship, just let your partner know. If they disagree, then the relationship is not meant to be.

Personally, I’m not a fan of open relationships myself, as I enjoy being committed and intimate with one person, and always thought open relationships were for those who were afraid of commitment.

But surprisingly, there are many benefits to open relationships that I didn’t expect and found quite interesting. People consider open relationships for various reasons and there are ways to make them work.

Perhaps you should discuss with your partner why you want a monogamous relationship and why they want an open one so you can compromise and figure out if you're able to meet each other's needs and expectations.

But most importantly, be true to yourself and don't do anything you're not happy doing. 

[Cepzeu]

Thank you everyone for your replies. These have been very helpful and given me some food for thought. 

To clear up some confusion, we both had the discussion for open relationship maybe one month into having started sleeping with each other. Prior to that we were very good friends and flatted together, but I was in a previous relationship which ended 2 months before I started sleeping with this girl. 

By open relationship we meant dating each other, but in case we slept with someone else it wouldn't be a big deal. We both agreed on it together in order not to rush into anything, both of us have had previous relationships. We have not discussed the "open" aspect of our relationship since 1 month of dating.

Currently we are at around month 7. We hang out frequently and spend almost every night together, but have vibrant lives outside of the relationship, we both have our friend circles etc. 

The question for me comes up because our relationship has been growing, we've got to know each other more, and support each other as a bf and gf would. This has happened over time. Initially I saw our relationship as casual, but time has passed and we have grown closer. Of course we fight sometimes but we communicate and get over it. Overall it's positive.

Now, I question our open status because I would not be this close or emotionally open to someone who I was in an open relationship with. In an open relationship I would maybe see the girl a couple times a week and limit the amount of times I hung out with her, and focus on my work, and or seeing others. That is where my cognitive dissonance comes in. I like her, but to be able to be more intimate with her, I could only do that in a monogamous relationship. 

She may disagree and want to stay open, which is fine with me, but I would see her less and pay less attention to her (invest less energy in the relationhsip). That's fine with me as I can date other girls or walk away if I decide. But if she wants to keep things going the way they are, i.e. seeing each other every day, being initmate and going on dates, having deep companionship, she has to know that I don't want to do that unless we are commited to each other.

I think I'll bring it up and talk with her because we haven't had that discussion since month 1. There are no ultimatums here, I am well aware how that is a controlling and insecure move. I appreciate her and have no desire to control her. If she doesn't want the same as I, that's totally fine.

 

 

Edited June 29, 2021 by Cepzeu

[flowboy]

@Cepzeu I don't bet, but if I did: my money is on that when you tell her what you want, she'll be so happy that you finally did.

I think she secretly wants to be in a committed relationship, but doesn't want to be the one to initiate it because she has some judgments or fears around it. Perhaps she fears that you'll leave her if she tries to get commitment from you. Perhaps her parents had a bad relationship in some way that makes her wary of traditional relationships. Perhaps something else entirely.

But my guess is she'll be happy.

Let me know if this is true.

[Depersonilized]

@NoSelfSelf Not saying this to be rude, but could you put some punctuation in your messages? I'm having a hard time following, and if there's important advice, some people may have a hard time seeing it clearly. You know what I mean? 

Edited June 30, 2021 by Depersonilized
Grammer