Anyone have some advice around open relationships?

[Cepzeu]

I've been with a girl for 6 or so months. We like each other a lot but decided not to rush to anything and stay open. I saw some other girls in the first month, but no one else after that Now I'm at the stage where I've spent some time with this girl (we live together, flatmates) and we both like each other. 

We've been open but other than the girls in the first month, neither I nor her have seen other people. We've both never done it before and I guess we just wanted to try it out.

My preference would be that to move forward in the relationship I would like to be monogamous. I tend to put energy into a relationship and try to lift both myself and the other person up. I personally don't like the idea of my girlfriend sleeping with other guys. That's just my preference. And I feel like at this stage our relationship has progressed to more than just fooling around. 

I feel like I should bring this up with her. I'm open to whatever she wants for herself, but my position is that unless it's monogamous, then I don't want to progress the relationship forward. I don't have the time or desire to manage multiple relationships and if she doesn't want to be committed I'm happy to stay where we are at or move apart.

A part of me feels that I'm being insecure, I've had problems with dating in the past and she is definitely the best I've had. But at the same time, a part of me is much more confident than I was before and I feel like this is a boundary I want to assert - I want to be intimate with one person and I want to be treated the same way. Also, I'm at a stage of self acceptance and confidence to where I am willing to walk away if something doesn't suit me. I've been codependent in the past and I've learned from my mistakes.

TLDR in an open relationship but not really acting on it. Wanting to develop depth with one girl rather than breadth with multiple. Am considering that sleeping around is less fulfilling than building depth and intimacy with one person.

Thoughts? Ideas? 

I'm interested to hear people's perspectives

 

 

[MatteO22]

27 minutes ago, Cepzeu said:

TLDR in an open relationship but not really acting on it. Wanting to develop depth with one girl rather than breadth with multiple. Am considering that sleeping around is less fulfilling than building depth and intimacy with one person.

Thoughts? Ideas? 

I'm interested to hear people's perspectives

 

I’m with you 100%, open relationships often while seemingly promoting open mindedness are just a disguise for commitment phobia.

 

Learn how to love yourself and another with one person - that can be really freaking hard. A deep spiritual and healing journey. Adding more people into the mix doesn’t actually add benefit. What adds benefit is your commitment to a healthy and secure relationship with yourself and with a partner. 
 

good boundary, I dig that !  

[Harlen Kelly]

@Cepzeu I don't quite understand why you are asking for advice in regards to open relationships if you are not planning on having open relationships. 

I would not be surprised if she was the one who brought up the open relationship. Seems like you have developed oneitis.  

Edited June 23, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[Gili Trawangan]

Just tell her what you posted here. If she doesn't want it, leave and don't look back.

[NoSelfSelf]

So much delusion packed in one post i cant even start it hurts ?

[Cepzeu]

2 hours ago, Harlen Kelly said:

@Cepzeu

I would not be surprised if she was the one who brought up the open relationship. Seems like you have developed oneitis.  

Possibly. I'm happy with open relationships if it's just a FWB thing, but not so when it gets more serious. That's my dilemma. I'm not deluded in thinking she is some one-of-a-kind goddess and I'll be broken without her. I like her, sure, and I like her more than other girls I've dated regarding personality/value matching, but everyone has their flaws.

 

49 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

So much delusion packed in one post i cant even start it hurts ?

Please share your thoughts. I'm open to criticism/advice. I'm only 24 and relationships are not an area of great experience for me. In fact lots of pain, hence my asking. I agree I may be more insecure about it than I wrote.

Edited June 23, 2021 by Cepzeu

[Kalki Avatar]

Open relationships dont really exist. I mean its possible but not good either. 

What does exist is a free relating with another person without having tags (gf/bf) and expectations of the other person. Its like a friendship that builds up with love and sexual chemistry at the same time. Then turns into a friendship/lovers/sexual relationship. That cannot be manipulated or forced. It has to arise by surprise, naturally. It either arises or it doesnt.

Relationships as bf/gf, wife/husband are agreements. This creates all sorts of problems, neediness, insecurities, etc. Because you expect something from the other like an object. Both possess each other. Its a sublte business relationship. How can you fear loosing someone that is not yours? Its not possible without expectations. Thats how it should be naturally. Everyone inside their own frame/space relating to others space. Not a mixing and bundling of bubbles. 

 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Kalki Avatar

[MatteO22]

mistake.

Edited June 23, 2021 by MatteO22

[Windappreciator]

Just ask and tell what you feel.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Cepzeu theres so much work that you need to do based on what you wrote there that i feel you will negate everything i say because thats how it works

[Cepzeu]

@NoSelfSelf well you can say it, or not. Obviously I can't articulate every minor detail in a short, succinct post so anything you say will be speaking to the limited picture I presented. I'm not afraid to read your opinion open-mindedly and take it on board. I don't see a need for sarcastic commentary, especially from a Mod. What does that add to the discussion?

[NoSelfSelf]

@Cepzeu im really sarcastic person but here im really not ??....ok  she opened up a convo for open relationship because its already a high chance shes sleeping with someone and you are not doing it for her...you like her more then she likes you..."im open to whatever she wants for herself" thats a really bad one you putting her above you and you are willing to disrespect yourself and do whatever she wants so you can keep relationship going thats saying alot to her and she cant respect you or want you...you are her simp thats why she didnt call it quits but keep you around...you are not willing to walk away like you said it...if you had a self respect you would dump her the second she brough that open relationship stuff up...kill the beta inside you or it will kill you tnx for reading...

[Cepzeu]

@NoSelfSelf haha ok. I see why you said that ?. I agree with you if we had just been randoms who started dating and I was only dating her.

Edited June 26, 2021 by Cepzeu

[flowboy]

On 23-6-2021 at 0:20 PM, NoSelfSelf said:

So much delusion packed in one post i cant even start it hurts ?

 

On 25-6-2021 at 8:04 AM, NoSelfSelf said:

@Cepzeu theres so much work that you need to do based on what you wrote there that i feel you will negate everything i say because thats how it works

 

On 25-6-2021 at 7:58 PM, NoSelfSelf said:

@Cepzeu im really sarcastic person but here im really not ??....ok  she opened up a convo for open relationship because its already a high chance shes sleeping with someone and you are not doing it for her...you like her more then she likes you..."im open to whatever she wants for herself" thats a really bad one you putting her above you and you are willing to disrespect yourself and do whatever she wants so you can keep relationship going thats saying alot to her and she cant respect you or want you...you are her simp thats why she didnt call it quits but keep you around...you are not willing to walk away like you said it...if you had a self respect you would dump her the second she brough that open relationship stuff up...kill the beta inside you or it will kill you tnx for reading...

@NoSelfSelf  Clearly you are projecting your own unresolved issues onto this innocent person with a very reasonable question.

Coming from a perceived position of authority, this is confusing and can be potentially damaging. It's resulting in some very judgmental and unhelpful posts that are completely missing the mark, and making this forum an unfriendly place.

If this is how you want to behave, I fully understand, but it's not appropriate behavior for a mod, so I kindly ask you to give up your moderator role.

Thank you.

Edited June 26, 2021 by flowboy

[NoSelfSelf]

@flowboy Interesting , if you are in some position of authority you should automatically start to behave like a fake nice person and not tell people how it is...in dating expecially if you dont shake someone badly they wont wake up i mean he said hes struggling and if he continues doing what hes doing it will get worse...my posts triggered you because you have work to do...i was in his position and still working on stuff i said so i know where hes at....self respect,self love and knowing what you want and stay behinde it no matter what, not having scarecity mindset is what i told him to have....and telling people to give up their position is not nice withouth knowing my intentions...

[flowboy]

@NoSelfSelf  Your intentions were to help your former self, not to help this guy. This guy actually knows what to do and you just created confusion because you were triggered.

18 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Interesting , if you are in some position of authority you should automatically start to behave like a fake nice person

Not a fake nice person. If you can't be a real nice person, don't be a mod.

[Leo Gura]

@Cepzeu Most girls would be overjoyed if you told them you want to commit.

I don't see the problem here. If she truly wants to sleep around with other dudes that tells me you're not being a very attractive guy. She should be begging you for your commitment.

[Yali]

@Leo Gura

Question,

How long do you typically wait for sex? 1st date? 2nd date? Or does it not matter?

[Nahm]

On 6/23/2021 at 3:49 AM, Cepzeu said:

I guess we just wanted to try it out.

My preference would be that to move forward in the relationship I would like to be monogamous.

Sounds like a pretty loose guess… doesn’t sound like you both desired that, sounds like she desires that. Might be assumption on my part, having just the thread to go on. 

On 6/23/2021 at 3:49 AM, Cepzeu said:

I feel like I should bring this up with her. I'm open to whatever she wants for herself, but my position is that unless it's monogamous, then I don't want to progress the relationship forward.

I’d share that with her. You might be pleasantly surprised. Also, you might have experienced what you wanted (being with her) and might walk away more aware of what you now know you want more specifically… and you’ll attract that, just as you attracted this. If you can see it, you’re in a no lose situation. That ‘it’ might be the faith, or understanding of loa, such that you know you’ll inevitably attract someone who is more adjacent to what you’re wanting. 

On 6/23/2021 at 3:49 AM, Cepzeu said:

Am considering that sleeping around is less fulfilling than building depth and intimacy with one person.

I’ve found that to be deeply true. Also, nothing wrong with sleeping around. The beauty of it is it’s up to you, what you want. The more you realize what you want with acuity, the more you are deepening the relationship with source, which is being that which you want. Again, no lose scenario here. 

[Karmadhi]

I think it also depends on the girl, some girls tend to sleep more and shit more than others (less wanting commitment). Also liberal girls tend to be like that more than conservative girls in terms of open relationships and stuff. Sleeping around has become less and less as a signal of cheating the more liberalized sex becomes. A trade off of being able to fuck a girl in the first date which is super nice for us guys, is that there is higher chance some other guy will seduce your girl and screw her behind your back. 

Liberal  sexually open girls are more fun but for serious relationships i think a prudish girl would be a safer bet. Also trying to increase your worth and skills will increase the chance of keeping her loyal to you but you cannot compete with the entire world. Never and i repeat, never become less than the person you were met you two met, always try to grow and improve. Not for your relationship sake but for your own personal sake.

Bottom line: Be wise about who you decide to commit, focus on values and not just on looks. Try to find a good balance between the two.

Edited June 27, 2021 by Karmadhi