Some hope that people really can change.

[K VIL2]

Someone in my life (related to me) used to be toxic for me. There was screaming and anger and fear tied up with them. They were an unhealthy authority figure in my life.

as I gained independence and freedom, we lost touch. i reconnected with said person expecting the same patterns to unfold.

i was pleasantly surprised. It did not happen. It was like the person I was talking to (the person that they used to be from my perspective) was gone.

the funniest thing? there's a part of me that misses that person. NOT the dynamic but the person. They seem so detached now and at peace. I'm happy for them and maybe I can now get to know them on a deeper level.

Have you seen the same thing in your relationships? I was going to post this in dating/relationships/ but it's not about sex so mods you tell me.

[lacsativ]

Absolutely. I've seen it happen in my and in my best friend to the point where I find the idea that people don't change to be silly. Change is hard, and maybe we can't change people, but people can change. And maybe it would help if we replaced the term "Change" with "Become/Grow". For in this case I feel like "Change" implies that something is lost or left behind, whereas I think it's more the case that something is consciously observed, integrated, and accepted and thus something more novel as well as "whole" emerges as a result. 

[Osaid]

That's sounds great, hopefully something similar happens with my current friend group lol

[RobertZ]

Narratives of the cycles of abusive relationships abound in the cultural ideasphere. Controlling and authoritative behaviour is a red flag for domestic violence. “Screaming anger and fear" also indicate dysfunctional dynamics including a lack of safety, a lack of belonging, loss of respect, a lack of integrity, and so on. Domestic violence tends to be highly persistent, individually and intergenerationally. There are deep cultural memories of abusive relarives who returned sweet or apologetic, only to rear abusive once more: the 'cycle of domestic abuse.'

You also describe flat affect and something 'missing.' That 'loss' does not sound like integration.

Leo talks about boundaries in abusive relationships. Listen to Leo's recent episode, "How Modern Branding Exploits and Abuses You" for advice on boundaries--especially regarding second or third transgressions. Leo talks about the necessity of establishing boundaries. 

Cycles of domestic abuse tend to be persistent. 

Yes, people can change. Genuine religious conversions are well-known. Even violent alchololics have been known to take up the responsible use of alcohol. Some people alter their personality traits after the age of 30. 

Be careful. I wish you and your relative all the best. 

Edited June 27, 2021 by RobertZ

[charlie cho]

@K VIL2 I think an element of mercy is important in whatever toxic relationship. Any sense of justice is deeply rooted in the idea for revenge for what the other person has done to us. Ancient Greeks used to discuss about justice, but what I think they got wrong is that the ideal for justice inevitably make people hold an attitude of hate towards the perpetrators. People act unlovingly because they have never been loved, and if we continue to hate on those people again and again, we only give them more reasons to hate us more. We can only diel down their hatred when we show mercy. And that mercy need not be something where we never be harsh. True mercy is about being objective, being results oriented. If in order to change the other, we have to be cruel, then we should be cruel. 

And I think the idea "people never change" is too defeatist. Never say never. It's dangerous to go to such extremes, no? Changing is hard, though, but to say people never change is hypocritical. 

[Leo Gura]

My brother used to get angry pretty easily but he really mellowed out in his mid-30s.

Yes, people do change. Sometimes a lot. It's not all endless backsliding. There are natural maturation processes at work as you age.

[Preety_India]

Some people in my life never changed.

Kinda sad