Trip Report - 2g APE Mushroom

[mecca81]

I took around 2g of APE mushrooms. This was my third trip. Within a few minutes of taking it, I knew that this was going to be a much, much more intense experience than my last two trips. I’d done two trips before with 2g regular PE mushrooms and each time had pleasant experiences. The first time, I looked in the mirror and saw myself slowly turn into Shiva. The second time, I saw the image of myself in the mirror freeze while I was moving about. Both times I felt euphoric highs but they were nothing compared to what was about to happen. 

The visuals were much more elaborate and active both with my eyes open and closed.  The slowly morphing patterns that I saw around me during every trip that I’d taken were now extending into the empty spaces within my room.  I realized that the empty spaces were not empty at all but filled with the some kind of energy that the “things” were filled with.

I stopped listening to my usual playlist of music consisting of some classical pieces and some traditional East Indian music. I said to myself over and over that I wanted to know the truth and I intuitively realized that the music was a distraction. The visuals seemed to move in sync with the music. While it was producing overwhelmingly beautiful sights, I felt this time that I needed to know and see the truth. I stopped the music after what felt was about half an hour and set on the floor and started meditating.

I was able to enter a deep meditative state within seconds. There were no distracting thoughts at all. Like a straight arrow, I realized that I was “the” consciousness and that my body and my mind were something I was wearing. I extended my hand and put it on the carpet that I was sitting on and my hand started morphing into buttery liquid and started melting and mixing into the carpet. I couldn’t tell where the carpet ended and my fingers started anymore. They were all moving, breathing things.

My mind asked the consciousness who I was. And in something that resembles telepathy, the consciousness answered my questions. Some of it was visual and some were just intuitive “knowing” but I was sure that they weren’t coming from my mind. the usual train of thoughts required to arrive at an answer wasn’t involved here. There was no voice but my questions were just answered and I knew. 

I knew that I wasn’t of this world. I started crying at this point. I asked if I had to leave my wife and kids today and said in my mind that I wasn’t ready.  I wanted to stay, I said over and over. Then in my mind I was taken through vast time and space and into the whole universe. In a split second I was all over the universe and knew that time and space were utterly insignificant. They were mere constructs. But they were all connected. Like neurones, time, space, matter, and organisms were all connected, moving and breathing as one. 

At this point, I was in full panic mode. I knew that I was all and all was me. I ran into the bathroom covered in tears and mucus, all over my face. I rubbed them off my face, looked at my tear and mucus covered hands and knew that even those were all me. I started laughing hysterically at this and didn’t know why. 

I started asking the consciousness again. I knew at that point I wasn’t part of anything and that there was no other consciousness out there that will take me “up” today. I don’t recall all of the questions I asked because I was in such panic, but one of them was “what about my family?” The answer came back and they were me. The cars driving by on the road, the construction workers working across the street, all of the sounds I was hearing, they were all me. Outside my room, I was hearing the noises my kids were making, the laundry machine humming and my wife talking, but I knew I was all alone. It was all just me. I looked up at my face and it was made of sharp edged fractals, my face, my eyes, nose, mouth…  I looked down at the bathroom sink and the faucet and they were all like that too. I turned on the water and it came out in fractal patterns. I looked around the room and it looked like a scene from The Matrix. Everything was covered in these patterns.

I felt weak in the knees and knelt on the floor and asked myself, “what’s after this?” “Can I get out of this?” “what’s beyond this?”  The answer came and said “no, there was nothing beyond this.” This was it. This was the reality. It was me and that was it.  I knew this “I” was perfect in every way but at the same time a desperate, writhing loneliness engulfed me. I screamed and wept (I asked my wife later and she said she didn’t hear anything and thought I was just meditating) but occasionally laughed like a maniac at what I realized, how imperfectly everything looked and at the fact that I’ve been trying to delude myself with such imperfect creation that I now truly see. I was murmuring all this to myself.

Then I asked if I could manipulate things around me. Then I realized that I couldn’t. The nature was separate from me in a sense. It was created and locked away by me, it felt like. It was a fully self-functioning thing with its own rules and agendas. 

I wondered to myself, if I created all this and my body, why were they so imperfect? The answer that came back made perfect sense. They had to be imperfect in order for me to forget that I was all alone. The things I hated about myself and others, the things I desired, everything I had around me in their perfectly imperfect states. They were all that way in my attempt to forget the truth. And then they all looked perfect in their own ways.  I realized how perfect my wife and kids were. All the “stuff” I had around that I could see.

Out of desperation that I didn’t want to be alone, I opened the bedroom door to go into the living room and saw my wife and kids. They all had strange glows around them and the same sharp edged shapes and features. I knew they were all me. I tried to talked to them but couldn’t because I didn’t know how to talk to “me” and what will happen if I did. My wife came over and took me back into the room. She said I might be scaring the kids because I had tear and mucus stains all over my face and my shirt.

She was surprisingly calm (which I will be forever grateful for) and asked me what happened. “I realized the truth.”, I said to her crying. She asked me what the truth was. I told her it’s all me, you, the kids, everything we see, they were all me. I realized at that point that I didn’t know what she’d say to me, even though I was dead certain that she was me. I became fearful that she’d think I’ve lost my mind and lock me up in a mental institute. Even then I couldn’t pretend to be the way I was before. 

She asked me some personal questions I can’t share here but it was almost as if she knew this would happen and she also wanted to know. The gist of it was that my answer to her questions was that we are here to feel our emotions and feel alive and separate because the alternative was total perfection in utter isolation.

She calmed me down and asked me to take a shower. I gradually became calm as I took the shower. The warm water hitting my skin felt like pure heaven. I was infinitely happy that I was still here.

I eventually went back into the living room where my kids were playing with their animal toys. They asked me to play with them and I felt no resistance at all which I often feel when I’m interrupted. They asked me about all these different animals. The lions, zebras, gazelles… and as I explained about each of them, how they are designed differently to create their own unique ways to live their lives, I realized that when life is just an illusion, they all made up a perfect circle of life that was endlessly fascinating and fun. 

I started smiling like I never smiled before at everything they said, asked, and did. Pure joy surrounded me and I couldn’t stop smiling even when I tried.

After about 2-3 hours I gradually became me again. I could feel my ego starting to gain its foothold again and it gradually made me “me” again. But I still couldn’t get annoyed or angry at anything even when I tried, not after I realized why I’m here. The world is the heaven that “I” created for myself to endlessly fascinate me and feel the joy, sorrow, and everything else that the heart can process and feel connected and that was what I was here to do. 

This was my trip the best I could remember and describe.  For awhile it felt like I would remain in that state forever but I’m so grateful that I didn’t because it wasn’t at all as ecstatic as I had read about it. In fact it scared the shit out of me. But I feel like it spat me out with a valuable gift which is the realization that life here isn’t bad at all even with all the pain and suffering that we all go through while living it.
 

Part of what grounded me at least not to lose my mind altogether was listening to Leo a few days ago and him saying that it’s just a state. So thanks for that, Leo.

Edited June 24, 2021 by mecca81

[Breakingthewall]

great report, thanks so much for sharing! I have felt chills in the part where you ask the conscience if there is something else and it responds that there is only this. I have had the same realization and the feeling of loneliness, of being locked in an eternal jail was enormous, horror. Instead of going to play with my children, as I have not, I went to a terrace to drink two liters of beer to forget it. But the next time I encountered this loneliness, it was different. I was alone yes, but I loved myself with an enormous love that was all I ever missed, and being alone, stuck out of time, immobile, was wonderful 

My conclusion is that psychedelics make you see the reality of total unity, but we are still ourselves, we cannot help projecting sensations such as loneliness, isolation. This does not mean that they are real, they are simply our human egoic sensations mixed with the absolute ... or so I think

Pd: only 2 grs?? 

Edited June 22, 2021 by Breakingthewall

[mecca81]

@Breakingthewall thank you for your reply. I became emotional just to realize that someone had felt the aloneness I felt because it was just too much to bare but I’m happy to hear that there is something better beyond that loneliness. I’m encouraged to keep pushing after hearing your story. So thank you. And yes it was 2g of APE (lemon tekked) which took me by surprise because the same amount of PE didn’t give me anything even remotely close to it. 

Edited June 22, 2021 by mecca81

[Breakingthewall]

I feel quite identified with your experience, I also wanted to go deeper with psychedelics looking for beauty, wonder, etc. and I found the opposite, horror. The fact is that horror is beauty and wonder, only you are not prepared to see it. This is a path of surrender. surrender to that only you are, that you are not even because you are nothing at all, the emptiness pretending to be something ... surrender to whatever. I don't pretend to be an expert, it's been less than a year since I started with this, and there are still barriers, although I see what they are. What I can say is that evolution, if you follow this path, is great and fast. evolution towards more happiness, more fulfillment, less fear

[mecca81]

@Breakingthewall thanks for sharing your thoughts. That makes a lot of sense and I hope to come to similar realization that you’d had along your journey. After reading your posts and having had a few days to reflect on the terrifying and confusing but beautiful experience I had, I think I now have the strength for further exploration and will be taking another journey into the other realm in the next few days, this time hopefully a little more grounded and surrendered as you said so I can focus more on the reality of it rather than mixing it up with the baggages I’m carrying and see if I missed anything the first time due to my panic and what else I can realize. I’ll report back if I have any further insights. 
 

Thanks again and have an awesome day!

Edited June 24, 2021 by mecca81