Insecure and needing constant validation

[kras]

Yesterday i had an argument with a girl that i recently start dating i really like her. So i feel like i could lose her. 

I  have some serious trauma related to my codependency, insecurities and seeking validation. I just cant thing straight. I wasnt able to sleep this night. That happens everytime when i interact with a girl and things are not going well. 

How to deal with that, how to heal it. I am afraid of interacting with girls because of that. My life just become misrable instead of enjoying a girl that i like. I cannot do that anymore, its not healthy and i will lose my mind. Usually when i experiance something like that i close off and dont let people close to me for a long period of time. 

If i lose this girl, i probably wont interact with any women until i eventually heal myself if its possible.

 

 

[Kalki Avatar]

Dont do dating until you heal yourself. 

Most relationships have problems like this, because people dont work on healing themselves. And it looks normal, but its not healthy either. 

If you want high quality relationships, do deep healing. 

Ofcourse, at that moment of healing, you wont even crave relationships, they might come and appear but you wont be needy about them. Its counterintuitive.

Another thing I learned, even when I did lot of healing in the past, is that you need to be with those matching your vibration. I remember mixing spirituality with pickup when I began and dated damaged girls who passed me their trauma, even after doing healing. I didnt knew how to read energies well and the consequences of manipulation. 

Edited June 21, 2021 by Kalki Avatar

[kras]

21 hours ago, Kalki Avatar said:

Dont do dating until you heal yourself. 

Most relationships have problems like this, because people dont work on healing themselves. And it looks normal, but its not healthy either. 

If you want high quality relationships, do deep healing. 

Ofcourse, at that moment of healing, you wont even crave relationships, they might come and appear but you wont be needy about them. Its counterintuitive.

Another thing I learned, even when I did lot of healing in the past, is that you need to be with those matching your vibration. I remember mixing spirituality with pickup when I began and dated damaged girls who passed me their trauma, even after doing healing. I didnt knew how to read energies well and the consequences of manipulation. 

How the healing process would look like? 

[NoSelfSelf]

I had "bad" symptom of what you talking about its not even funny having that and to deal with girls...

[bejapuskas]

@kras  Not all arguments are bad. I get that you are insecure and it might take you some time to overcome it, realize where your traumas lie, what kind of toxic patterns you adopted from parents etc... You can say like: "I am sorry to tell you this, but it really annoys me when you do this and this. I want to have a vulnerable discussion with you and talk about why you do it, I want to truly understand you. Me being angry however does not change the fact that I love you and yelling at you does not mean that I want to break up." I think in any relationships you will have arguments, but in the good ones the good things outnumber bad things by a lot and the problem solving is very open and honest.

[Nahm]

On 6/21/2021 at 7:41 AM, kras said:

Yesterday i had an argument with a girl that i recently start dating i really like her. So i feel like i could lose her. 

I  have some serious trauma related to my codependency, insecurities and seeking validation. I just cant thing straight. I wasnt able to sleep this night. That happens everytime when i interact with a girl and things are not going well. 

How to deal with that, how to heal it. I am afraid of interacting with girls because of that. My life just become misrable instead of enjoying a girl that i like. I cannot do that anymore, its not healthy and i will lose my mind. Usually when i experiance something like that i close off and dont let people close to me for a long period of time. 

If i lose this girl, i probably wont interact with any women until i eventually heal myself if its possible.

 

 

It sounds like contingent happiness. (Happiness is love, awareness, consciousness, infinite being). The contingency looks like; have her, I’m happy. Don’t have her; I’m not happy. I’m not suggesting this is easy, it’s not. It takes experience, heartbreak & ‘rebuilding’ from heartbreak. But the light at the end of the tunnel is that happiness isn’t something you have, which you could lose… because it’s the true nature of what you are… but thoughts, or, the mind, kind of hijacks the happiness / love by projecting it onto the having or not having of someone or something, or of things going or not going your way. It is rough, but it does get better & better the more one experiences, and learns to let go of discordant thoughts, namely about oneself. 

There are ways to go about this….

Meditation. Then there isn’t attachment, or as much attachment, to the thoughts. Then when a thought like “I might lose her” arises, there is still some space around the thought, and that space is happiness / love. So the thought isn’t so convincing, and the ‘loss’ doesn’t seem so detrimental or threatening. This is completely innocent and pretty much, again, requires experience to learn and realize. Everyone get’s into this place via forgetting they are the happiness / love. When you ‘have it’, it seems like it’s arising from an outside source. Meditation is most helpful is clearing the mind, such that it becomes clearer happiness / love arises within you, and inevitably, is you. If you can hear this - what you want to happiness / love, not per se, any one person or relationship. Again, there’s a learning curve. Don’t ‘beat up’ on yourself. Please don’t take / use what I’m saying in that light. 

Another way to shift perspective and thus feeling, is entertaining the perspective that you never ‘have’ her to begin with, such that you could ‘lose’ her. She’s not a possession. She’s not something you need, to be happy, to feel the love that is / you are. It’s likely the thought arises.. “then what do I need to do to know and feel this happiness / love that I am?”. And that is the big paradox which makes youthful heartbreak so rough - there isn’t anything you can do per se… but if you let go of any thoughts or beliefs about yourself to the contrary, the happiness / love rises of it’s own accord, effortlessly. 

Another way is to shift what you’re focused on. Not per se at the time of argument or of a break up, but generally, kinda, all the time… putting more ‘happiness / love stock’ in the thrill & wonder of creating the life you most deeply desire to create - that being with or without a relationship, a significant other, or sex, etc. I am not saying you shouldn’t desire or make efforts to have relationships, sex, etc. I am saying ‘your’ happiness is less contingent on someone else than it seems, when we’re young. No offense. Again, it’s innocent. Generally, people who do ‘find’ that happiness love, and it’s from a relationship, end up feeling there must be more. It’s not satisfying. It is at first, but not in the long run. In a way all roads lead to self realization and the wonder of consciously creating. 

Arguably the most important factor is letting go. Which again, takes experience. By letting go I mean… when you’re already upset, angry, heartbroken, concerned, worried, frustrated, etc, etc… all you really want is to feel better. So we think and ‘make moves’ attempting to feel better. But we can’t, as Esther Hicks says, “get from there to there”. You can’t get from anger to passionate creating for example, without letting go and feeling contentment along the way. One must let go, or, empty the cup, so that it can then be filled with the goodness one is. Then it just gets clearer and clearer happiness / love is ever present, and ever available, without contingencies. 

Also… the current interpretation might be confusing to you, but you might be missing that the confusion, and likely frustration, arises from the interpretation. You might interpret that you need validation and are insecure. But it’s possible that isn’t actuality true about you at all. It’s possible that complimentary words and kindness from people are more of a break from thoughts which don’t feel good. Thoughts about yourself perhaps. Without thoughts / beliefs about yourself that don’t feel good, there is little need, desire for, or even interest in feeling better from compliments or validation from outside yourself. Again, takes experience, consideration, contemplation, expression, and meditation is most helpful.

Might be helpful to express how you feel, understand why your parents or influential people around you act & behave(d) as they did / do. Often when you see they’re doing their best, a lot which you might have believed to be about you is seen to be outward projection from them, which had nothing to do with you. I mean, you might have caught the brunt of it, it might have been anywhere from unpleasant to traumatic, but the freedom is realizing it’s not your fault, and ultimately understanding & forgiveness of others, is the ultimate freedom for you.  

[Kalki Avatar]

@kras Shadowork, emotional freedom, meditation, presence, self-Inquiry, letting go, surrender, acceptance, forgiveness.

You need to go within your psyche. 

The best way to start is to practice total relaxation. Body and mind. Accept all tensions. All negative thoughts. Let them run. After sometime of doing this and getting some relief. Then you can work on feeling emotions, all types of them. Make feeling and expressing emotions (not supressing) a habit. Then you can add presence and mindfulness to burn the negativity of your persona. After you get a good amount of interna healing. You can proceed with meditation. Meditation is the fastest way to healing. Its the kickstarter. Because it takes you there, meditation happens by itself. Theres no real effort needed. Lastly, you can do self Inquiry in peace and Stillness to investigate accurately all deep rooted false beliefs, habits, emotions (triggers). 

Dating (getting a gf or wife if not awake) and not getting hurt is little probable. Because you may do it unconscious and the other person may as well throw negativity unconsciously/impulsively. 

The exception is if both are very advanced, positive and even conscious to decent degrees, but even then... I prefer friend-lovers, no tags, no expectations. If you have no expectation of her being yours, you cant loose her. If you dont expect sex from her, you wont feel as lacking or loosing it either. But if both are simply friends without expectations, ocassionally sex may arise. And a new friends-lovers, sexual relationship begins. In a higher loving quality. Ofcourse, you need to make sure to let it be that way, friends-lovers frame. Tags will kill freedom. (Some may try to persuade you into trapping you inside a relationship, this is where you either let her go and she comes back acepting it that way, or she leaves).This type of relationship you cant manipulate. It has to arise as a surprise. You wont find all girls like this. Its almost a gift. You may intend it but if you desire it you lack it. This is tricky to explain because it requires a letting go for it to come. Its an energy dynamic. Neediness is a compulsive clinging through desire. Its a grabbing. Attraction is a magnetic letting go. 

 

Edited June 22, 2021 by Kalki Avatar

[Godishere]

I've had this. You have a lack of options and are focusing way too much on women. Seriously, just try meet some good people to hang around. Work on your fitness, career and friendships. It's so hard to detach; once you attach, but it is possible. You could detach right now if you really wanted too.

Ultimately you have to surrender to the fact you could and probably will lose her. Surrender completely and utterly then accept it. You need more options and the ability to meet more options if one falls away. 

But the root problem is a spiritual thing IMO. You need some awakenings, then you will realize you don't need anyone ?

[NoSelfSelf]

Core problem is the belief that he thinks hes not worthy 

[kras]

1 hour ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Core problem is the belief that he thinks hes not worthy 

Yeah, i think that this is my main problem.