He called me stupid

[Preety_India]

Just now, Gregory1 said:

You have never met him in real life... How do you know that he is a "great great guy" and that you want to "be devoted" to him if you have never even met him???

At least from the conversations I had with him. He is always respectful. 

At least in the first stage he is good enough. He is also my old school friend so he is not some stranger.

I know him already. But I will be meeting him face to face after many many years. 

The last time we both were together was when we both were like 9 years old in school. 

Now he found me through mutual contacts and we instantly connected.

We were friends in school but over time we were drifted apart by loss of contact. 

My family knows his family.

So it's not like he is a complete stranger. I know how he looks and I know his family .

I used to visit his family during my high  school years.

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Gregory1 I can understand that if he was a complete stranger then saying that he is a great guy would have probably come off as absurd.

So I'm aware how you think.

 

Your line of thinking is genuine and obvious. I don't deny you 

 

Edited June 22, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Gregory1 I hope I didn't offend you in any way.

 

[Gregory1]

15 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Gregory1 I hope I didn't offend you in any way.

 

You didn't. Also I have to apologize because the first answer I gave to your topic was kind of rough... Still I believe that there was some truth in it.

I appreciate the fact that you really try your best to make sense of the situation and are always being kind/polite/constructive...

I'm not sure weather you still feel like you need help to understand why your boy called you "stupid" and "crazy." I think although I do not know him personally that I know exactly why he called you like that. It makes perfect sense to me. And I feel that many of the people who replied to your post also perfectly understood that... And tried to explain it to you.

The problem now is, I do not know how to explain the same thing that so many people in this post already tried to explain to you. It seems to me like your mind is tricking you to pick only the answers you want to hear and call the other ones wrong... (I myself might be wrong with this)

At this point I don't know how to make things more clearer or explain it better.

Wish you all the best with your dating life... In case the relationship with this guy should fail, try to see how you yourself caused that failure... Then you might avoid it in the future and see how to built a relationship that is durable. Cheers

Edited June 22, 2021 by Gregory1

[soos_mite_ah]

34 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

The last time we both were together was when we both were like 9 years old in school. 

Now he found me through mutual contacts and we instantly connected.

Just because you met him years ago, doesn't mean you really know him. IMO if it's been that long, it doesn't even count anymore. 

46 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

No it wasn't meant that way. I can do anything meant I really want to be devoted to him. No I'm a total no nonsense person. I don't put up with bullshit if you have observed my personality.

I mean even if you didn't mean it that way, it can be easily taken that way and it's really important to take that into consideration. 

Also, devotion without any proper commitment while being in the dating phase looks a whole lot like desperation and not having any standards. 

[Zeroguy]

@soos_mite_ah What? 

It seems to me like everyone here just use this thread to throw their own neurosis and judgements just because they are given easy shot. 

Not denying you are correct. 

[Zeroguy]

Instead of telling her how  She is desperate (which might be true) it's not really a point. 

Help her to develop herself and she also has to be openminded and self reflective to listen what she is been told and implement it. 

Thank you. 

Edited June 22, 2021 by Zeroguy

[Hulia]

You guys are so silly with your "Needy, needy, needy"!

You don´t know Preety or her guy, the circumstanses of their relationship. But have a universal rule for any situation, yes? I read for example, that this is a distance relationship. So her guy doesn´t need to be worried. Because Preety has no chance to give her life for him! 

The other thing: is this guy also an Indian? If yes, I assume it´s a standard conversation between two Indian guys falling in love. Not even passionate enough if they were not singing and dancing, more like a business meeting, I would say ?

[Preety_India]

24 minutes ago, Hulia said:

You guys are so silly with your "Needy, needy, needy"!

You don´t know Preety or her guy, the circumstanses of their relationship. But have a universal rule for any situation, yes? I read for example, that this is a distance relationship. So her guy doesn´t need to be worried. Because Preety has no chance to give her life for him! 

The other thing: is this guy also an Indian? If yes, I assume it´s a standard conversation between two Indian guys falling in love. Not even passionate enough if they were not singing and dancing, more like a business meeting, I would say ?

So cute.

 You're right.

 

[Markus]

Based on what you said, I would say you seem to be yearning for attachment security, or in other words, finding a relationship you can depend on for feeling good and taken care of. The guy you're talking to could have a similar thing going on to some extent, I can't really tell. What this yearning means, is that you might feel willing to sacrifice yourself and go to extreme measures to make sure this relationship will work, hence you saying to him you'd give up anything for him. Ask yourself this: how would you feel emotionally if this relationship didn't work out? Can you entertain the possibility of that?

[Gregory1]

13 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

So cute.

 You're right.

There is nothing cute in that. The only reason it seems to be cute is because it entertains your beliefs and feeds your ego...

In a few weeks or months when the guy leaves you or cheats on you because of your wishful thinking and because of your own behaviour, drama will be big. Looking at the conversation so far I guess you won't realize that all that drama was caused by your own behaviour. Propably gonna be something like "he was just the wrong one..." or "he was just such a delusive person"...

Whatever, I'm out of here.

Edited June 22, 2021 by Gregory1

[Preety_India]

11 minutes ago, Markus said:

Based on what you said, I would say you seem to be yearning for attachment security, or in other words, finding a relationship you can depend on for feeling good and taken care of. The guy you're talking to could have a similar thing going on to some extent, I can't really tell. What this yearning means, is that you might feel willing to sacrifice yourself and go to extreme measures to make sure this relationship will work, hence you saying to him you'd give up anything for him. Ask yourself this: how would you feel emotionally if this relationship didn't work out? Can you entertain the possibility of that?

That would be unfortunate if the relationship didn't pan out. I'm kinda used to those things where I was more attached than the guy so I have kinda become immune to it 

Every relationship is a bet at the end of the day.

Nobody can give a guarantee how a relationship is going to be. But I cannot expect to have a half hearted relationship constantly being suspicious about the future ,that would create a cognitive dissonance of its own that will overshadow the relationship. I don't think that's a good idea 

Of course I need to be careful and watch out for all red flags as and when they arise. 

But I cannot enter a relationship with a negative/suspicious mindset or it will be like I'm sabotaging my own relationship,pretty much like a self fulfilling prophecy. That's a bad idea from the get go 

A relationship is a gamble.

One has to be ready for both success and failures just like one has to be ready for rejections.

 

 

[Preety_India]

8 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

There is nothing cute in that. The only reason it seems to be cute is because it entertains your beliefs and feeds your ego...

In a few weeks or months when the guy leaves you or cheats on you because of your wishful thinking and because of your own behaviour, drama will be big. Looking at the conversation so far I guess you won't realize that all that drama was caused by your own behaviour. Propably gonna be something like "he was just the wrong one..." or "he was just such a delusive person"...

Whatever, I'm out of here.

Why be negative already ?

It's not like you already know what the future is going to be like?

If the present is good,then just go with the flow and enjoy it 

I have faced many heartbreaks.

If things don't work out, I will keep looking for compatible committed partners.

What else is the choice anyway?

 

[Preety_India]

@Gregory1 what do you think I should do in this situation?

What's your advice?

That should keep a distance ?

 

[Markus]

5 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

That would be unfortunate if the relationship didn't pan out. I'm kinda used to those things where I was more attached than the guy so I have kinda become immune to it 

Has it been common for you to feel significantly attached early on, like in this current situation? Do you feel you are quick to hope for a new guy you are interacting with to be "the one"?

[Preety_India]

6 minutes ago, Markus said:

Has it been common for you to feel significantly attached early on, like in this current situation? Do you feel you are quick to hope for a new guy you are interacting with to be "the one"?

Generally speaking,no. I have been very patient in my past relationships. I wasn't quick to fall into it. Maybe having a series of failed relationships has made me a bit desperate.

 

[Markus]

3 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Generally speaking,no. I have been very patient in my past relationships. I wasn't quick to fall into it. Maybe having a series of failed relationships has made me a bit desperate.

 

That could certainly make sense. So I gather having feeling this strong at such point in an interaction is out of the norm for you? Maybe you can describe in a bit more detail how you feel about him and what makes the relationship working out feel important. It's one thing for me to comment on what you said to him and how he might take it, but I think it'd be more useful to understand better where you're coming from.

[Zeroguy]

@Preety_IndiaWe have term in serbian language when you didn't had someone for lomnger time, it doesn't matter it's funny.

I beleive that's also part of the problem. Try to unzoom yourself from current sitution and look it from higher place so to speak. Once you spot all the stuff return changed to relationship. In life you will need to develop this ability. 

[Zeroguy]

Also to avoid to one day end up in abusive relationship kinda stop such addiction to emotions or learn to not be total slave to them as most likely you are right now. 

Emotions are not logic actually they ruin your ability to make accurate and clear judgements and estimations of current situation. 

Some more wisdom from your side needs to be developed. 

That's why I said grow up. Mature a bit and yes you will be more attractive to higher quality man then you are right now. 

[Preety_India]

 

.@Zeroguy  I have extremely high standards for men. Anything less disappoints  me immediately and I dump them fast. 

I tend to get overly emotional in a relationship. 

When I'm in love, it's intense.