Problem in conversations: creating space for expression and listening

[Loving Radiance]

Alternative title: Problem in conversations in creating a space for the person to express themselves rather than listening.

 

I found out that I have sometimes trouble listening to people. I want to be truly open for them, but then I don't construct a story/world of them being in there. By being open for them the things to respond to arise like waves from the ocean, and that might take some time or doesn't at all. If their story would lay in front of me, then I could sit with it and jump back and forth to understand it. However, opening that space of hearing them without a me that constructs a story is like not writing things down. I feel that in constructing a story I don't really listen to them, like my bias of perspective is obscuring their story. Maybe there is a difference. Maybe there is a preference for hearing and not listening.

How do you find balance or approach this in general?

Edited June 22, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

@Forestluv @Emerald

[RendHeaven]

Smile with your eyes.

Words come and go

[Loving Radiance]

28 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

Smile with your eyes.

Words come and go

[Loving Radiance]

@Nahm

[Nahm]

@Loving Radiance

Are you saying you want to be able to listen to someone without attention shifting to ‘your own’ thought narrative? 

[bejapuskas]

Sometimes the solution is easy, you don't need to create space, it is already there for you. Just don't speak, ask question and then listen. You will get better at catching interesting things to ask about with more practice. You seem to be reflective so I trust you on that. By speaking you are not learning much, unless the reaction to you not giving space points out to you the thought that creates suffering, but that seems to have already happened to you.

[Loving Radiance]

6 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Just don't speak, ask question and then listen.

I find myself constructing a story doing that on autopilot. When going silent internally without making a story there is just stontaneous arising of responses which can surface after some time or don't surface at all.

What creates suffering is me wanting to respond while at the same time I don't want to obscure the picture of their story and there might be no response at all.

 

9 hours ago, Nahm said:

listen[ing] to someone without attention shifting to ‘your own’ thought narrative

This is already the case. However, it happens very often that no responses come at all and I feel that this is like stopping to dance with them in the conversations. I want to dance while seeing them for what they are. Or is that a contradiction? Idk.

[Matt23]

I usually try to just be as authentic as possible if 'im unsure in social situations.  I also try to just let my soeech and body movements totally let go sometimes to see what they do.  Often it is seems they do better without me controlling them.

Radical empathy perhaps.  Like trying to really imagine, feel, and understand their experience and what they are communicating.  Like trying to really consciously work your mind to see their perspective.  Then asking clarifying questions and reflecting back to them what you think you understand.  

Listen to your heart and feeling.  Sometimes the other person just wants that simple yet profoubd sense of emotional understanding, compassion and connection from you.  Which, in my experience, only happens through authenticity and honesty.

[Nahm]

@Loving Radiance

Meditation, specifically listening to the silence is likely the answer. The ‘chattery’ mind factor ends into the listening to Nothing. Can be ‘practiced’ outside of the formal practice of meditation as well of course, the silence is always ‘on’, even beneath all varieties of sounds.  The ‘worthwhile’ of this is then (eventually) there aren’t thoughts in the particles or dual sense anymore per se, but insights and eventually just waves, then siddhis, etc.  

In the shorter term, if the mind is active in that way, try aligning the activity to what someone is saying. Make a movie in the mind which they’re narrating basically. A sort of doubling down on focus and interest in what they’re saying. For fun, and insight, view that movie like Sherlock Homes. The mind reveals subtle ‘clues’ in this way, that will feel inspiring and insightful as to what they’re experiencing, and is very expanding & a pleasant experience for you. 

Memorizing the Reiki symbols (the first three anyways) comes to mind. Form writing them on paper each day until memorized, and then ‘writing them in your mind’… a different type of communication occurs with source. That of symbols without linear implications. It’s really neat and fun, and very much like the aliens and humans in the movie Arrival. Inspiring video idea, thank you for that.

[Loving Radiance]

@Matt23  Thank you for your perspective What you describe is exacly what I meant with constructing a story. It's really feeling how that is for them by constructing the story they are telling and placing myself in their shoes.

 

@Nahm The answer you propose is what I mean by creating space for them. There is listening to the silence, and there might arise a wave from that ocean or not. What you suggest in the short term is what I described as creating a story. I feel that I am truly not veiling their story when I listen to the silence and might pick up a response.

I like to see them how they are in their story and at the same time give responses the same as when I create a story.

[bejapuskas]

@Loving Radiance  You can pay attention and ask question to get a more complete story no? Isn't that interesting.

[Loving Radiance]

@bejapuskas Interesting indeed

[bejapuskas]

@Loving Radiance  The stories that people imagine, it is absolutely amazing to hear.