Insecure for your appearance vs about your behavior

[Karmadhi]

I have noticed that a lot of people tend to say stuff like "women like personality more than looks" and "just be confident and fun" and stuff like that. I think there is a lot of truth to that, however this leaves me with a question. Why are men these days in Western countries so insecure about their appearance and not their behavior/personality. If it was a fact that women like personality more than looks then would not it make more sense that guys who cannot get girls would feel insecure about not being confident enough or charismatic enough? Why the most insecurities in men stem from their appearance and sometimes lack of money/good jobs. Why does society in general promote the idea of the good looking guy getting girls instead of the confident charistmatic guy?

If you do not pass an exam, the common answer you would get from society is simple, study more. If you cannot get girls why the common answer people give is regarding stuff like "the girl does not like your looks" and shit like that. Why most men suffer from physical insecurities a lot more than personality insecurities. I am not saying that all insecurities are about appearnace but most of them are. "If only i was good looking" is heard more often than "if i was more confident and charming".

Why?

[Preety_India]

Because they are clueless about female psychology and female sexuality. 

Also the general statement often heard in dating coach circles is "don't listen to women," stuff like that doesn't help either. 

Women like looks and personality both. But personality matters more than looks. 

But I believe love conquers everything. 

Approaching a woman should not be just about looks or charm but also understanding that specific woman in depth, getting to know her and developing an emotional connection with her 

If a guy invested in building an emotional connection with me along with trying to be sexy, then it's an immediate hit, no matter his looks or charm. I wouldn't mind either. 

Yet most guys just don't do that. It's like they simply want the  woman to look at them and fall in love. 

The whole love game is a lot of hard work and is not as easy as simply being confident and good looking. 

If I had two guys, let's say A and B, and A has all the looks, charm, great personality in the world and B is having a friendship with me (not friendzone friendship, friendship with a little bit of sexual tension created by him) then I would choose to be with B rather than A no matter how hard A tried to impress me. In the absence of that friendship, he didn't create enough space for feelings to develop in me for him. So his effort is a waste of time 

Pure raw attraction is a whole different ballgame. For that to happen, the guy has to be like Brad Pitt or something. 

Ordinary men don't need to focus on pure raw attraction because most aren't capable of having the raw charm of some Hollywood star. 

Yet having a strong emotional impact on the woman you want can give you significant benefits in developing feelings in her. She will like you despite your lack of looks or personality. 

 

[Preety_India]

What I meant to say was that you gotta be her friend, but build  sexual tension with slight flirting, don't become the Friendzone kind of friend. 

 

[Etherial Cat]

3 hours ago, Karmadhi said:

I have noticed that a lot of people tend to say stuff like "women like personality more than looks" and "just be confident and fun" and stuff like that. I think there is a lot of truth to that, however this leaves me with a question. Why are men these days in Western countries so insecure about their appearance and not their behavior/personality. If it was a fact that women like personality more than looks then would not it make more sense that guys who cannot get girls would feel insecure about not being confident enough or charismatic enough? Why the most insecurities in men stem from their appearance and sometimes lack of money/good jobs. Why does society in general promote the idea of the good looking guy getting girls instead of the confident charistmatic guy?

If you do not pass an exam, the common answer you would get from society is simple, study more. If you cannot get girls why the common answer people give is regarding stuff like "the girl does not like your looks" and shit like that. Why most men suffer from physical insecurities a lot more than personality insecurities. I am not saying that all insecurities are about appearnace but most of them are. "If only i was good looking" is heard more often than "if i was more confident and charming".

Why?

Capital maximization.

Society dreams of people who's got it all. Looks, success, money, and other social capital of all sort.

Typically the average woman will want a man who's got it all. If you look at popular blockbuster (Twilight, 50 shades of grey... ?) the men are always hot and supposedly confident and charismatic.

That creates insecurities for everyone. Hot Chad is embarrassed because he's not successful enough, Jeff Bezos because he's not good looking enough. 

Egos are always insecure. Wanting more is the default mode.

[soos_mite_ah]

Because men view themselves and other men through the constructs of the male gaze and how they judge other women. They judge women on looks so they expect women to do the same and they go along with the patriarchal notions of what is considered attractive even if that doesn't resonate with most women. What you judge in others are often things you judge in yourself. The guys who are the most insecure about their looks are usually also the ones who bring women down and make the 1-10 scale into a form of absolute science. 

[Preety_India]

Just now, soos_mite_ah said:

Because men view themselves and other men through the constructs of the male gaze and how they judge other women. They judge women on looks so they expect women to do the same and they go along with the patriarchal notions of what is considered attractive even if that doesn't resonate with most women. What you judge in others are often things you judge in yourself. The guys who are the most insecure about their looks are usually also the ones who bring women down and make the 1-10 scale into a form of absolute science. 

I absolutely agree with this. It's like I'm asking myself "where did the notions of emotional connection disappear?" 

 

[Heart of Space]

Young men and women tend to value superficial qualities.  Men also treat other men differently based on how they look.  There's still a lot of pressure on men in society to look good physically.  

Are you feeling insecure about your looks?  

Personality is extremely important as a man trying to get a female.  Especially as you get older.  However, things like physical attraction, or career success will play a huge role.  

If you're not bettering yourself in some way, you can expect to have trouble finding women to date you.  It's the world we live in, so make peace with it.  

PS.  Don't take women's advice on this subject.  They lie about what they're attracted to in order to come across non-superficial.  They also lie to themselves.  Girls like money and looks, it is what it is.  

Edited June 20, 2021 by Heart of Space

[mivafofa]

On 20/06/2021 at 10:24 AM, Karmadhi said:

it was a fact that women like personality more than looks then would not it make more sense that guys who cannot get girls would feel insecure about not being confident enough or charismatic enough? Why the most insecurities in men stem from their appearance and sometimes lack of money/good jobs.

That is  why they cannot get girls, they unawarely root their problem and put their focus at the wrong place. 

 

21 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Because men view themselves and other men through the constructs of the male gaze and how they judge other women. They judge women on looks so they expect women to do the same and they go along with the patriarchal notions of what is considered attractive even if that doesn't resonate with most women. What you judge in others are often things you judge in yourself. The guys who are the most insecure about their looks are usually also the ones who bring women down and make the 1-10 scale into a form of absolute science. 

+1

[Peter Miklis]

Just keep improving yourself in every aspect, and throw away your insecurities. Easier said than done though.

Personally, the only things I feel insecure about are related to personality, since I have nothing else to be insecure about? shyness fucked me over more times than I can count.

Edited June 21, 2021 by Peter Miklis

[bejapuskas]

On 20. 6. 2021 at 7:38 PM, Etherial Cat said:

Typically the average woman will want a man who's got it all. If you look at popular blockbuster (Twilight, 50 shades of grey... ?) the men are always hot and supposedly confident and charismatic.

Twilight? Bruh, the guy is hot, but he is typical pick me boy, wants to save the girl, the film is about her being in dangerous situations and the guy stalking her all the time and using his inhuman powers. That sounds hella toxic to me if a guy thinks that's hot.  I mean many of these guys in films etc. are so toxic. Art is actually kinda dangerous for society if like people become so influenced by the idealized narratives. I think Twilight is more of an insecure sensitive pick me Incel boy fantasy rather than a girl fantasy. (if you skip scenes without kissing and watching valley from a tree)

I mean if you think that looks don't matter at all and only behavior matters, that helps you take action, but it might make you think that your body does not matter or like your looks are useless. They make no difference etc. That's not as good as feeling confident about your body, having no shame around nudity etc. Guys might also be disgusted by other guys' bodies because they are hyper straight and then internalize that disgust. Like when watching porn for example... Idealizing the female body and not understanding that women also feel physical attraction. Seeing a girl deep throating a dick and seeing her suffer when in reality she might be happy to be doing it if its consensual and intimate. Girls can be attracted to dicks like crazy, correct me if I am wrong.

[MatteO22]

15 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Guys might also be disgusted by other guys' bodies because they are hyper straight

??

 

 

I love it when a guy says ‘no homo’. Nothing says ‘I’m secure in my masculinity’ more! 

[Etherial Cat]

15 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Twilight? Bruh, the guy is hot, but he is typical pick me boy, wants to save the girl, the film is about her being in dangerous situations and the guy stalking her all the time and using his inhuman powers. That sounds hella toxic to me if a guy thinks that's hot.  I mean many of these guys in films etc. are so toxic. Art is actually kinda dangerous for society if like people become so influenced by the idealized narratives. I think Twilight is more of an insecure sensitive pick me Incel boy fantasy rather than a girl fantasy. (if you skip scenes without kissing and watching valley from a tree)

I mean if you think that looks don't matter at all and only behavior matters, that helps you take action, but it might make you think that your body does not matter or like your looks are useless. They make no difference etc. That's not as good as feeling confident about your body, having no shame around nudity etc. Guys might also be disgusted by other guys' bodies because they are hyper straight and then internalize that disgust. Like when watching porn for example... Idealizing the female body and not understanding that women also feel physical attraction. Seeing a girl deep throating a dick and seeing her suffer when in reality she might be happy to be doing it if its consensual and intimate. Girls can be attracted to dicks like crazy, correct me if I am wrong.

Bruh.

I 100% agree that Edward Cullen and Christian Grey's are absolute psycho. I can guarantee you that If a guy confuses me for its potential dinner and feel an urge to kill me, I'm not interested ?. 

When I said that they are hot, I was merely talking about the actor's physics. Young, good looking and 6 packs. That's it. 

[Peter Miklis]

@MatteO22

 

These ones are a lot better than that College humor crap?

[MatteO22]

9 minutes ago, Peter Miklis said:

@MatteO22

 

These ones are a lot better than that College humor crap?

I just turned on the last one for a sec, ‘your tits are gay… ya your tits are retarded ’

??????? I Can’t man, I can’t!!  

Edited June 23, 2021 by MatteO22

[bejapuskas]

@Etherial Cat  Yeh I got you x) 

@MatteO22  Only when he says "maybe homo" and puts his homie's hand in his hand.

@Peter Miklis XDDD