A Bitch About Dating

[Shin]

2 minutes ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Oh, that was you! I still think about that lol. 

What do you mean by the controlling behavior? 

As in you chose deliberately (unconsciously or not) those kind of guys to be able to manipulate them easily so you don't have to worry about them doing anything that could be harmful to you.

[Vynce]

One additional insight why its hard to find spiritual minded men on dating sites is not quite obvious.

Get in the POV of a man, who is somewhat into spirituality and is open for any kind of relationship not just the short-term sexual. He makes his profile and starts to look out for mates/matches. Now two things will happen. Firstly, the man will get just as frustrated as you, because online communication isnt really profound and spiritual women are also hard to find. And secoundly he might rethink his ambition to find a truely spiritual women, because plenty of more "cheapish" ladies trigger his sexual needs. So he wonders if its even worth to invest energy in that "kinda interesting girl, who is into yoga and meditation" or rather go for the least resistant path of easy sex with a random less spiritually minded girl. 

That means, maybe there are plenty of open-minded and spiritual men on dating sites, who just got distraced and frustrated through the dating sites. 

[Heart of Space]

14 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

I feel like just closing myself off to men... I understand that in a way, dating is working on myself but friends...its rough out there.

Guys are either super shallow i.e. into sports(bleh), don't have the slightest idea of what spiritual worlds are or they play video games. I've come across guys who are traumatized by other women, creepy guys, guys who only talk about themselves... the list goes on.

OR, they're way out of my league. Super successful, have their shit really together and are all in all much more mature than me. 

Fuck! It's such a pain. Sometimes trying to connect with men on dating sites is HARD and people can be so abrasive! Same IRL, too. 

I secretly just want a man to take care of me and hold me and love me but goddamn that's a whole other rabbit hole because I could see me getting lazy with my own development and just letting him take care of everything while I kinda just float on by in life... medium happy, not doing anything of much substance. 

I actually do want to just be alone for awhile but then I'm worried I a)won't find my soulmate and b)(this is actually the bigger concern)won't be getting any good experience with men, meeting new people, growing in a new way etc..

Hey babe, I'll take you out and treat you real well.  I bet I could impress you.  I'm quite the ladies man.  

[RendHeaven]

9 minutes ago, Heart of Space said:

Hey babe, I'll take you out and treat you real well.  I bet I could impress you.  I'm quite the ladies man.  

I'm so relieved that you're gay lmao

[ertopolice]

I understand what you say..and feels kinda familiar to me.

I really struggle to meet new people over here..and at this age it's not so easy to meet potential interesting dates via friends, workmates,etc

 

[Heart of Space]

55 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

I'm so relieved that you're gay lmao

Me too.  

Edited June 20, 2021 by Heart of Space

[Shin]

16 minutes ago, Heart of Space said:

I tear that pussay up, bro.  I'm the straightest gay man you'll ever meet.  Don't bring your girl within a mile radius of me or you'll regret it.  

Considering that we're trying to be more welcoming of women on the forum, I would tune down that type of comment if I were you.

[Flowerfaeiry]

5 hours ago, Shin said:

As in you chose deliberately (unconsciously or not) those kind of guys to be able to manipulate them easily so you don't have to worry about them doing anything that could be harmful to you.

The last few guys I've chosen have been pretty masculine, I didn't even think about that. Progress haha. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

4 hours ago, ertopolice said:

I understand what you say..and feels kinda familiar to me.

I really struggle to meet new people over here..and at this age it's not so easy to meet potential interesting dates via friends, workmates,etc

 

It got harder with covid but yea even then, a lot of people don't know what they like and that's not a good match for me. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

4 hours ago, Shin said:

Considering that we're trying to be more welcoming of women on the forum, I would tune down that type of comment if I were you.

I knew it was a joke. I'm not intimidated by crude comments, just kinda makes someone seem careless  plus, I know my power as woman. 

[Yarco]

19 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

or they play video games.

Oof, really, playing any kind of video games is a deal-breaker for you? I can understand if it's holding them back or wasting their time, or they're obsessed and spend too much time on it. But as of 2018, 66% of people played video games. Probably even higher now. 

As far as I know, even Leo still enjoys the occasional video game. How's it any different from a guy who spends 1-2 hours per night watching Netflix, or even reading a book?

19 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

OR, they're way out of my league. Super successful, have their shit really together and are all in all much more mature than me. 

It sounds like your acceptable range might be too narrow. Let's say that creepy or guys that don't have their stuff together can range from 1 - 6s. And guys you describe above are 9s or 10s. That means you're only willing to accept guys in the 7 - 8 range. Maybe give some 6s a bit more of a shot and see if they surprise you.

19 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

I secretly just want a man to take care of me and hold me and love me but goddamn that's a whole other rabbit hole because I could see me getting lazy with my own development and just letting him take care of everything while I kinda just float on by in life... medium happy, not doing anything of much substance.

Pretty much the only way to have a guy that "takes care of you" is to assume a more traditional housewife role. Then what do you bring to the table for him, if he's providing for you all day? Do you know how to cook and clean at an acceptable level, are you willing to take on that role?

Guys don't want to be a provider for a feminist. If you want to be taken care of, then you need to submit to that role completely. Guys don't want to provide for a careerwoman. He's already earning all the money he needs, why would he want someone that goes out and adds another 30k to the household and then he still has to come home and do chores anyway?

[Flowerfaeiry]

4 minutes ago, Yarco said:

Pretty much the only way to have a guy that "takes care of you" is to assume a more traditional housewife role. Then what do you bring to the table for him, if he's providing for you all day? Do you know how to cook and clean at an acceptable level, are you willing to take on that role?

Bro I'm the BEST housewife 

Also, it's deeper than that.

Edited June 21, 2021 by Flowerfaeiry

[4201]

20 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

I feel like just closing myself off to men... I understand that in a way, dating is working on myself but friends...its rough out there.

Guys are either super shallow i.e. into sports(bleh), don't have the slightest idea of what spiritual worlds are or they play video games. I've come across guys who are traumatized by other women, creepy guys, guys who only talk about themselves... the list goes on.

OR, they're way out of my league. Super successful, have their shit really together and are all in all much more mature than me. 

Fuck! It's such a pain. Sometimes trying to connect with men on dating sites is HARD and people can be so abrasive! Same IRL, too. 

Being on the other side of the dating landscape, I feel your struggle. I think it helps to try and enjoy the process rather than focusing on the person you want to get (the end result). If you consider dating some temporary activity you have to do in order to get what you want then of course it's not fun, it's stressful and you want it to end asap. If on the other end you go in with the mindset of getting to know people just for the sake of it it's much more peaceful and there's no problem if it doesn't end up working with a guy.

There's no one "out of your league" that's an idea you tell yourself because you evaluate your self with your judgements. (The same way you evaluate your dates). If you believe this idea about yourself, people likely perceives it as insecurity and it makes you probably less attractive to them. (Even though it doesn't have anything to do with you, it's just a belief).

20 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

I secretly just want a man to take care of me and hold me and love me but goddamn that's a whole other rabbit hole because I could see me getting lazy with my own development and just letting him take care of everything while I kinda just float on by in life... medium happy, not doing anything of much substance. 

I think you kinda have to ask yourself what type of relationship you want to build. If you base your relationship on the idea of a "me that wants someone" would that make you fully happy?  Even if you found your perfect man and he treats you perfectly and he is yours, would this "new possession" ever satisfy you? Is this true love or is this love with the condition that your lover acts and is a certain way?

What I'm describing is pure survival, obtaining someone for your own interest rather than experiencing life with someone for the sake of experience. From my man POV it even goes as far as obtaining someone to impress people around me (look at me I'm dating this beautiful women, dad is going to be so proud!). It's not bad in itself but I think it's important to keep in head what you really want. If you get in a relationship to fullfill a need rather than create something unique and special then the other person may be doing the same in which case the relationship becomes transactional and without love.

You probably already know all of this since you are labelling it a "rabbit hole" but I'm just trying to make explicit what those fantasies are really about (a self imagined to have a need).

Edited June 21, 2021 by 4201

[Flowerfaeiry]

1 hour ago, 4201 said:

I think it helps to try and enjoy the process rather than focusing on the person you want to get (the end result). If you consider dating some temporary activity you have to do in order to get what you want then of course it's not fun, it's stressful and you want it to end asap. If on the other end you go in with the mindset of getting to know people just for the sake of it it's much more peaceful and there's no problem if it doesn't end up working with a guy.

There's no one "out of your league" that's an idea you tell yourself because you evaluate your self with your judgements. (The same way you evaluate your dates). If you believe this idea about yourself, people likely perceives it as insecurity and it makes you probably less attractive to them. (Even though it doesn't have anything to do with you, it's just a belief).

I think you kinda have to ask yourself what type of relationship you want to build. If you base your relationship on the idea of a "me that wants someone" would that make you fully happy?  Even if you found your perfect man and he treats you perfectly and he is yours, would this "new possession" ever satisfy you? Is this true love or is this love with the condition that your lover acts and is a certain way?

What I'm describing is pure survival, obtaining someone for your own interest rather than experiencing life with someone for the sake of experience. From my man POV it even goes as far as obtaining someone to impress people around me (look at me I'm dating this beautiful women, dad is going to be so proud!). It's not bad in itself but I think it's important to keep in head what you really want. If you get in a relationship to fullfill a need rather than create something unique and special then the other person may be doing the same in which case the relationship becomes transactional and without love.

Wow thank you so much, all really good things to think about.

[Harlen Kelly]

2 hours ago, Yarco said:

Guys don't want to be a provider for a feminist.

You have formed a caricature in your mind of what it means to be a feminist. Feminists can submit as well although I agree with your point that if a woman does not like doing the chores at the house, the man will not want to become a provider for her. 

Edited June 21, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[Shin]

8 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

I knew it was a joke. I'm not intimidated by crude comments, just kinda makes someone seem careless  plus, I know my power as woman. 

There are other women on the forum though.

?

[RickyFitts]

14 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

No you're totally right. I find myself longing for a partner more in the times I'm feeling sad or worse about myself. 

Yeah, I completely get that, I've found that to be the case for me in the past, too - I went through a period after the end of one relationship where I felt desperate for another relationship, just didn't think I could bear to be alone. In the end I could see that I just didn't think I could stand to be alone with all the upset I was feeling, but I could also see that I had no other option because I wasn't capable of maintaining a healthy relationship given the state I was in, so I had learn how to be alone with myself. I'd been seeking salvation through romantic relationships, but the purpose they really served was to force me to face myself.

Again, not saying that this is necessarily applicable to you or that you shouldn't pursue a relationship, just sharing my perspective 

Edited June 21, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Snader]

Even though quality guys are rare on dating sites, there still are some. They are hard to spot, because they don't directly sell themselves as such, so it really requires you to go meta on it.

You want to try to get in their heads. Think about what those quality guys might want from a woman. Make your profile such that it communicates those traits in you, that those men might be interested in, but don't do it too obviously, try to come up with a clever profile, that's what he's looking for, a quality man can read between lines.

This quality guy has also done his profile well. He don't post pictures where he's meditating or tell in his bio how great of a man he is. He has hidden those things between lines. He has made his pictures and bio in a way that he knows, that if a quality woman sees the profile, it's a clear match without a second of doubt.

[RickyFitts]

Edit: Posted in error.

Edited June 21, 2021 by RickyFitts

[StarStruck]

The golden rule with dating is: you get what you are.