A Bitch About Dating

[Flowerfaeiry]

I feel like just closing myself off to men... I understand that in a way, dating is working on myself but friends...its rough out there.

Guys are either super shallow i.e. into sports(bleh), don't have the slightest idea of what spiritual worlds are or they play video games. I've come across guys who are traumatized by other women, creepy guys, guys who only talk about themselves... the list goes on.

OR, they're way out of my league. Super successful, have their shit really together and are all in all much more mature than me. 

Fuck! It's such a pain. Sometimes trying to connect with men on dating sites is HARD and people can be so abrasive! Same IRL, too. 

I secretly just want a man to take care of me and hold me and love me but goddamn that's a whole other rabbit hole because I could see me getting lazy with my own development and just letting him take care of everything while I kinda just float on by in life... medium happy, not doing anything of much substance. 

I actually do want to just be alone for awhile but then I'm worried I a)won't find my soulmate and b)(this is actually the bigger concern)won't be getting any good experience with men, meeting new people, growing in a new way etc..

[Harlen Kelly]

14 minutes ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Sometimes trying to connect with men on dating sites is HARD and people can be so abrasive

Most guys on dating sites are mainly looking to for a temporary source of pleasure, and will most likely dump you after they nail you. Have you tried meeting guys on retreats, yoga classes or something similar?

The quality of the guy is highly ( but not entirely ) dependent on where you meet him. If you are into spiritual guys, attend spiritual circles and you will meet the guy you are looking for.

[puporing]

Aww I totally get that! It is hard.. to meet highly conscious people or men... I have similar issues not just dating but just meeting people in general.. feel pretty lonely sometimes but also feel more alone with some. But ... I guess I can get by going more meta most days, like maybe injecting more love/understanding to my environment/place of work. I don't think being totally alone is a good answer either. The best advice I can give is just to be patient with maybe people who are close to where you're at but not quite, that expands your options.. but of course not lowering your standard so much that it's not good for you so it's a balance. I do think on a societal level we should allow people to 'take breaks' when they need, either for mental health or spiritual or life purpose reasons and not lose their shelter and food lol. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

15 minutes ago, Harlen Kelly said:

Most guys on dating sites are mainly looking to for a temporary source of pleasure, and will most likely dump you after they nail you. Have you tried meeting guys on retreats, yoga classes or something similar?

The quality of the guy is highly ( but not entirely ) dependent on where you meet him. If you are into spiritual guys, attend spiritual circles and you will meet the guy you are looking for.

Thank you. You're right. I'm going to explore that as things are opening up more in my city. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

15 minutes ago, puporing said:

I have similar issues not just dating but just meeting people in general.. feel pretty lonely sometimes but also feel more alone with some. But ... I guess I can get by going more meta most days, like maybe injecting more love/understanding to my environment/place of work. I don't think being totally alone is a good answer either. The best advice I can give is just to be patient with maybe people who are close to where you're at but not quite, that expands your options.. but of course not lowering your standard so much that it's not good for you so it's a balance. I do think on a societal level we should allow people to 'take breaks' when they need, either for mental health or spiritual or life purpose reasons and not lose their shelter and food lol. 

I appreciate your perspective. It IS hard to meet just good people in general.  

[Shin]

AHAH !

I'm actually on the same side on reverse, attractive enough to date the girls I don't give a shit about, not attractive enough to date the girls I actually care about.

Gotta SUCK IT and develop yourself enough to be attractive to the standard of guys you want to be (really) attractive (like not just because, you know, they're guys), no other way around it !

Now that being said, don't judge someone from their hobbies, lots of men are into sport or video games, what matters is:
 

Quote

 

• Has he his shit together (independant financially, emotionally) ?
• Is he capable of positive containment (Teal Swan) ?
• Is he on his purpose, is he at least on track with it ?
• Is he strong, as in is he capable of protecting me physically ?
• Is he strong, as in is he resilient enough mentally wise to not only hold space for me, AND tackling difficult and challenging things on his own ?
• Is he open emotionally, can I connect with him emotionally, can he talk about his emotions ?
• How is he treating other people ?
• Is he humble ?
• Does he want the same kind of relationship as me (monogamous/polyamori ...) ?

 

 

Otherwise you can still meet them and be friends with them you know,

So go to self developement and spiritual workshop, meetup (or state equivalent) about self development and spirituality, Ted talks etc.

Edited June 20, 2021 by Shin

[MatteO22]

1 minute ago, Shin said:

I'm actually on the same side on reverse, attractive enough to date the girls I don't give a shit about, not attractive enough to date the girls I actually care about.

I don’t mean to ruin the party but this has nothing to do with ‘how attractive you are’.

 

It’s because of a subconscious belief of not feeling like you deserve or are safe enough to receive what you truly want. 
 

You feel like you can ‘settle’ and date down because those girls won’t threaten your sense of safety and thus won’t trigger the fear of intimacy because you’re not invested enough to feel like losing them would truly devastate you. 
 

Its a pattern of avoiding the things that truly matter, because if you committed to the things that truly matter and then it wouldn’t work out, you’d be fucked. Because then your beliefs about how you don’t deserve all that you want would be confirmed and you’d  spiral into self hatred and unworthiness. 
 

This is one of the essential steps of integrating the feminine. To actually allow yourself to have the worthiness and receptivity to have and sustain all that you want and deserve. It’s about feeling safe enough to receive, and not need to chase after what is unavailable to you to make sure you keep yourself away from receiving, by never ending chasing. That is why being in a true loving and fulfilling relationship is about allowing it to be received, rather than trying to force or get or improve anything.

[Applegarden8]

I could suggest going to events you love and attracting people due to your interests/hobies. I have found the best relationships there.

[JosephKnecht]

6 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

OR, they're way out of my league. Super successful, have their shit really together and are all in all much more mature than me. 

Sounds like you need to get your shit together first.

Then upgrade to another league.

[Nahm]

The relationship attraction is the law of attraction. Could be called the law of love, or the love of attraction.  If you embrace the ownness of what you’re attracting, you start shedding some skins and you begin attracting what you genuinely desire. Aka, guy (or gal) you really want suddenly just pops right out of the woodwork… but don’t focus on the getting of the guy, just focus on the getting ready to receive what you want. Go prior to the friends, the job, the search for the significant other… to the lens ‘itself’, to focus. ‘Win’ the alignment of thoughts with feeling, the source of all that has been mentioned here, and everything you are wanting starts ‘showing up’. (It’s already showing up, again & again… you might say, teaching you this.) If you notice thoughts arising on behalf of others, in regard to ‘more or less conscious’, consider what’s being said here instead. Try out that lens. ?

[RickyFitts]

I know it probably sounds like an empty spiritual platitude, but I really do think that the love we seek is within us. When we go looking for it 'out there', out of some feeling of neediness or inadequacy, it only ever papers over the cracks at best and may lead to all sorts of ugly consequences and heartache at worst.

But that's not to say that you're wrong to desire love and emotional connection, just that maybe it would be more beneficial for now to sit with that desire, to endeavour to understand what's at the root of it on an emotional level.

[RickyFitts]

7 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Guys are either super shallow i.e. into sports(bleh)

This made me chuckle though  It's been an interesting feature of my spiritual journey that I've gradually lost interest in sports, I feel like a sober Homer Simpson at the baseball when I watch sports these days:

 

[Shin]

17 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

This made me chuckle though  It's been an interesting feature of my spiritual journey that I've gradually lost interest in sports, I feel like a sober Homer Simpson at the baseball when I watch sports these days:

 

 

You can just enjoy sport, because you actually enjoy sport.

I mean, yes, most sport's fan "like" sports because they love to root for their "team", because they feel like they win when that team wins.

Then you have all the drama and shit talk between certain teams, then against countries, then continent etc. but that doesn't mean sports are "bad".

[Karmadhi]

9 hours ago, Harlen Kelly said:

Most guys on dating sites are mainly looking to for a temporary source of pleasure, and will most likely dump you after they nail you.

Not true at all! That is a bullshit steriotype people have which is incorrect. 50 percent of relationships these days are formed through online dating, which is literally half. Most guys use them to find a girlfriend not neccessarily to get laid. You can use same logic in real life, the guy just wants to fuck and dump you. Online dating is not any less relationship driven then real life dating is. Maybe it used to be 10 years ago but these days, especially with COVID it has become the main source of meeting partners, even more than actual real life interactions. I would say the chance of some Chad approaching you in a bar and trying to seduce you is equally high than with a Chad in Tinder regarding "pump and dump" possibility.

I know plenty of guy friends that used Tinder for example to find a partner that really wanted someone, not just for casual sex.

https://qz.com/1546677/around-40-of-us-couples-now-first-meet-online/#:~:text=Some 39% of heterosexual couples,same-sex couples that year.

Would not be suprised if with COVID this reached 50 percent (2017 study).

I used to also believe girls in online dating were of lower quality and sluts however i was just being retarted. When like 75 percent of the whole population uses online dating then you will basically run into the same people you would run in real life, be it good or bad. It is no longer a small specific portion of the population, it is literally the entire population. 

If a guy wants to find a girlfriend, both high and low quality guy, he will first use online dating since it is more conveninent and simple rather than going out and shit. So the access of good guys is not any lower than what you would find in bars and clubs. I can even say guys in bars and clubs are lower quality since there is quite a high percentage of players and stuff like that which obviously is not good partner material.

Edited June 20, 2021 by Karmadhi

[RickyFitts]

I agree, Shin, there's nothing inherently bad about sport, I was just amused by Flowerfaeiry's comment and I could understand her perspective.

[Flowerfaeiry]

8 hours ago, MatteO22 said:

This is one of the essential steps of integrating the feminine. To actually allow yourself to have the worthiness and receptivity to have and sustain all that you want and deserve. It’s about feeling safe enough to receive, and not need to chase after what is unavailable to you to make sure you keep yourself away from receiving, by never ending chasing. That is why being in a true loving and fulfilling relationship is about allowing it to be received, rather than trying to force or get or improve anything.

This is huge. And unsettling lol. I've always chose feminine men because I couldn't fathom receiving in that way. 

[MatteO22]

1 hour ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

This is huge. And unsettling lol. I've always chose feminine men because I couldn't fathom receiving in that way. 

Damn fuckin right it’s huge ! It’s everything. 

[Shin]

2 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

This is huge. And unsettling lol. I've always chose feminine men because I couldn't fathom receiving in that way. 

Did you inquire about the controlling behavior ? Was it true in the end ?

I remember a post you made about being annoyed of always dating guys without balls, and I told you something about past traumas or something related to you being controlled by someone (or fearing to be controlled), hence why you go for the nice guys and feminine guys.

 

[Flowerfaeiry]

7 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

I know it probably sounds like an empty spiritual platitude, but I really do think that the love we seek is within us. When we go looking for it 'out there', out of some feeling of neediness or inadequacy, it only ever papers over the cracks at best and may lead to all sorts of ugly consequences and heartache at worst.

But that's not to say that you're wrong to desire love and emotional connection, just that maybe it would be more beneficial for now to sit with that desire, to endeavour to understand what's at the root of it on an emotional level.

No you're totally right. I find myself longing for a partner more in the times I'm feeling sad or worse about myself. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

9 minutes ago, Shin said:

Did you inquire about the controlling behavior ? Was it true in the end ?

I remember a post you made about being annoyed of always dating guys without balls, and I told you something about past traumas or something related to you being controlled by someone (or fearing to be controlled), hence why you go for the nice guys and feminine guys.

 

Oh, that was you! I still think about that lol. 

What do you mean by the controlling behavior?