The "badboy" Dilemma

[avk123]

Good day fam,

We are all aware of the badboy notion and how we advertised it is in dating.

I am writing this forum to say how the bad boy dilemma has been a huge shame point in my life.

i know it is what works however I don't seem to be able to understand the reason, presently I'm trying to cultivate peace and success into my life, problem is a lot of what requires a successful dating scheme is being a "badboy" which in opposite of "vulnerability" -!; being open and honest.

 

 

[aurum]

You're only looking at the surface level of things.

You're seeing the "badboy" getting women and assuming "okay, this is how I must have to act". When in reality, there are underlying behaviors that the badboy might exhibit from time to time that make him attractive, but the entire strategy isn't what is winning him women.

Vulnerability or "being nice" will make you crush it with women. But the problem is I can already tell you have no idea what people really mean when they say that. So it's useless advice to you, even if it's true.

Here's some Game 101:

When you meet a woman, she wants a man who she feels simultaneously wants her, yet doesn't NEED her at all. It's kind of attitude you usually have when you're just having fun with your friends. Things are good, and nothing necessarily needs to happen for you to have a nice time.

Fall too far to one side of not giving a shit, and you're an asshole.

Fall too far to one side of wanting her, and you come across as a needy pathetic nice guy.

The badboy isn't needy, and that's why he does well when he does. But actually, most guys are complete assholes are not at all doing the best with women because the girl eventually feels like this guy just doesn't care at all.

Guys THINK that material things like money, looks etc are what causing the girl to like you. So we spend our lives trying to manipulate our circumstances to meet what we think women want.

But the reality is that when these things work, it's really because you psychologically allowed yourself to act in the way I described. And you can alter your identity to where acting like this is just feels completely natural. It's just "who you are".

What sort of behaviors does a man who is in this mental head space tend to exhibit?

1) He's RELAXED and AT EASE WITH HIMSELF

2) He's not afraid to offend someone if deemed necessary

3) GIVING good emotions to other people

4) Laughter, having fun

5) Other women around him or seeking his approval

6) Being a leader

7) Knows how to make himself feel good

8) Not afraid to put their full personality and desires out there

9) Knows what he wants

And I could go on and on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm just presenting a model here. There will be lots of nuances and special cases. For instance, some women are more validation hungry than others and so will often go after guys who withhold validation more.

But, generally this is how it's done.

Now let's circle back to our original thesis, which was that being vulnerable is effective with women. Notice that many of the traits I listed could be defined as "being vulnerable".

BUT it's being vulnerable in a very different way. We've pulled away false assumptions, like that you need to be afraid of rejection. So vulnerability takes on a much different meaning.

 

[avk123]

10 hours ago, aurum said:

You're only looking at the surface level of things.

You're seeing the "badboy" getting women and assuming "okay, this is how I must have to act". When in reality, there are underlying behaviors that the badboy might exhibit from time to time that make him attractive, but the entire strategy isn't what is winning him women.

Vulnerability or "being nice" will make you crush it with women. But the problem is I can already tell you have no idea what people really mean when they say that. So it's useless advice to you, even if it's true.

Here's some Game 101:

When you meet a woman, she wants a man who she feels simultaneously wants her, yet doesn't NEED her at all. It's kind of attitude you usually have when you're just having fun with your friends. Things are good, and nothing necessarily needs to happen for you to have a nice time.

Fall too far to one side of not giving a shit, and you're an asshole.

Fall too far to one side of wanting her, and you come across as a needy pathetic nice guy.

The badboy isn't needy, and that's why he does well when he does. But actually, most guys are complete assholes are not at all doing the best with women because the girl eventually feels like this guy just doesn't care at all.

Guys THINK that material things like money, looks etc are what causing the girl to like you. So we spend our lives trying to manipulate our circumstances to meet what we think women want.

But the reality is that when these things work, it's really because you psychologically allowed yourself to act in the way I described. And you can alter your identity to where acting like this is just feels completely natural. It's just "who you are".

What sort of behaviors does a man who is in this mental head space tend to exhibit?

1) He's RELAXED and AT EASE WITH HIMSELF

2) He's not afraid to offend someone if deemed necessary

3) GIVING good emotions to other people

4) Laughter, having fun

5) Other women around him or seeking his approval

6) Being a leader

7) Knows how to make himself feel good

8) Not afraid to put their full personality and desires out there

9) Knows what he wants

And I could go on and on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm just presenting a model here. There will be lots of nuances and special cases. For instance, some women are more validation hungry than others and so will often go after guys who withhold validation more.

But, generally this is how it's done.

Now let's circle back to our original thesis, which was that being vulnerable is effective with women. Notice that many of the traits I listed could be defined as "being vulnerable".

BUT it's being vulnerable in a very different way. We've pulled away false assumptions, like that you need to be afraid of rejection. So vulnerability takes on a much different meaning.

 

Whats ironic that nost most of the points you mentioned are subjective - I can be a nerd and do all of those things yet someone women will still see me as a "nice guy" 

I honestly think it all boils down to perception and thoughts - kind of like music - not everyone likes the same music we all view music genres differently but we all love music. 

 

 

 

 

[aurum]

10 hours ago, avk123 said:

Whats ironic that nost most of the points you mentioned are subjective - I can be a nerd and do all of those things yet someone women will still see me as a "nice guy" 

Yes, you're really can be a nerd. The external doesn't matter that much. It's your psychology that counts the most.

[dude]

Here's my take on it:

What @aurum said is right it's the underlying behaviors. Even if you'r a nerd but you have certain trait you will be considered a attractive nerd. Who says that all nerds are unattractive.

13 hours ago, avk123 said:

I honestly think it all boils down to perception and thoughts - kind of like music - not everyone likes the same music we all view music genres differently but we all love music.

You may like some people, you may dislike others. You can not be attractive to every girl. You also have to match in other ways. You described it very nicely :).

some traits off the top of my head:

• Let her show you are attracted to her, clear intent
• Lead
• Be Emotinally Unreactive < this is a big one nerds are emotionally reactive most of the time - aka they care what other people think
• Don't cover yourself up, fully express yourself
• Be on your path, you got your own shit going on

[avk123]

8 hours ago, dude said:

Here's my take on it:

What @aurum said is right it's the underlying behaviors. Even if you'r a nerd but you have certain trait you will be considered a attractive nerd. Who says that all nerds are unattractive.

You may like some people, you may dislike others. You can not be attractive to every girl. You also have to match in other ways. You described it very nicely :).

some traits off the top of my head:

• Let her show you are attracted to her, clear intent
• Lead
• Be Emotinally Unreactive < this is a big one nerds are emotionally reactive most of the time - aka they care what other people think
• Don't cover yourself up, fully express yourself
• Be on your path, you got your own shit going on

Well the point of this thread is not to turn it into some sort of dating Q & A , my focus would be to question and discuss without projecting shit into it.

Anyway, im going to further discuss the notion of the "badboy" that is honestly affecting our minds, we usually look at the notion of the "badboy" as the ultimate notion to attain sex and love. But honestly what are looking for behind these words ? why am I on a self actualization form discuss these issues with a bunch of strangers who again I never met or dont know what they experienced ? 

I honestly start to think that the notion of what the "alpha" man should be is an imagination that affects both men and women alike...

[Rocky]

In my opinion It's not about the bad boy being bad thats necessarily attractive to women, its that women can sense that "nice guys" arent acting  themselves and come off as inauthentic, and not only  do women find that unattractive but also that it gives off the impression that nice guys are too pussy to act themselves which is not so masculine, she can sense your intentions but also finds you too scared to act yourself.

The "bad boy" type of guy tends to act himself which comes across as less creepy and is more authentic even if the guy is a dick to girls, but women find it more attractive than a sheepish guy she cant relate to and finds it creepy because nice guys don't open act themselves. By nice guy i mean guys that are just acting nice to the girl in the hope of getting with her, not just doing it to be nice. 

[kurt]

@avk123 If you want to be loved, then learn how to be happy.  Thats it.  Its not a science, and the more you make it a science the more you screw it up because people want to be around you because how you make them feel, not because of how you want to come across.  If there is one thought in your mind concerning how to be, or how to come across, then you will come across like a jerk.  Believe me, all people sense it and find it unattractive.

Im not trying to be cold or a jerk, just letting you know how it is.  

Now, when people say just be yourself, this is what they mean.  If you want to have people in your life then you need to stop looking to get people in your life.  You need to stop thinking you are a particular kind of person also, because when you do that you limit yourself to that and guess what, yes, people can sense it and it puts them off you.

Every thought in your mind that is concerned with self is going against you.  Every thought concerned with other also goes against you.  The only thought in your mind should be creative thoughts working out how to have fun in the moment.  Any thought that is made into an identity and you will get blown out (either blatantly or politely they will move on, because youre being a jerk when your mind is being used to uphold an identity).  So how to get out of this dilemma?

Figure it out.  You already understand if youre wise, that what I just said is true, you know its true because you have met people who are concerned with this stuff and its made you feel uneasy.  So just using your own experience you should already know how to treat people.  Treat them the way you want to be treated, and if you dont like people who need to study realtionships and who play games then stop doing that yourself.  Only losers have such a low opinion of themselves that they need to study relationship techniques.  Nobody cares what you can do, they only care how they feel around you, and they want to interact with people who are not so neurotic that they feel they need to do all this stuff to manipulate the situation.  

Seriously, think about it.  Your problem is that you have bought into the dating industry and now are brainwashed by their alpha male story.  You know what?  When normal people talk about these guys they laugh, because these guys are idiots who are so empty inside that they think all these techniques and mindsets are needed.  But they arent.  The guys who are killer with women are just not thinking all the time about how they come across, thats all.

Edited December 17, 2016 by kurt