From Hell to Heaven

[Eren Eeager]

Looks like I am going to be journaling here ?

I experienced a lot of pain and suffering in my last 3 years and it was all caused by me. I just listened to the traumas that were kept growing in my subconscious mind. Many says that sometimes to reach the high you must experience the low. I hope so. I am doing better these days. I am studying now for medical school exam in the UK. Hopefully I will be able to work there in the next year. I  a very ambitious individual and I have a lot to deliever to humanity. My life purpose is to be like Leo. Someone who guide the masses through life. To be able to fulfill my dream, I have to start reading a lot more. Like I need at least 5 years of constant reading to expose myself to enough experience. I also need to do a lot psychedelics and a lot of meditation and kryia yoga. I also need to work on my social skills, my charisma and my skills of articulation. I also need to develop high levels integrity and high levels of commitment.

Another life purpose I have is to be a holistic doctor. I intend to take 4 years of specialization in family mediciene but it is not enough. I need to read a lot of articles and expose myself to new ways of treating certain diseases and developing a healthy diet and life style. Leo has already changed a lot in my understanding to medicine. But still I have years of studying a head of me.

I also would like to integrate healing and psychology into my career as a holistic doctor. Psychological conditions are the source of  many diseases and personally I experienced hell a lot of suffering because of poor psychological state. Just the IBS alone that I experienced would make someone commit suicide, let alone the anxiety and depression.

Anyways, I hope I dont backslide this time because I did this a lot.

Edited June 18, 2021 by Eren Eeager

[Michael569]

3 hours ago, Eren Eeager said:

Another life purpose I have is to be a holistic doctor. I intend to take 4 years of specialization in family mediciene but it is not enough. I need to read a lot of articles and expose myself to new ways of treating certain diseases and developing a healthy diet and life style. Leo has already changed a lot in my understanding to medicine. But still I have years of studying a head of me.

Sounds like a wonderful choice of life purpose  Whatever form or shape your journey will take, I hope you'll share bits of it with the rest of us on here!

[Eren Eeager]

@Michael569 I think I will learn a lot from you in the coming years. Cheers!

[Eren Eeager]

So yesterday my mind got hijacked by thinking about how life might get wrong for anyone like you get some nasty disease or have some kind of accident or live in a poor underdeveloped country and it caused me to be depressed actually. But today I decided not to entertain any of these thoughts and concentrate on healing myself and creating passion and love for life. Life is hard but what counteract the hardness is love and passion. Ego mind ahould not be listened to. It just fills your mind with all kinds of bullshit. Listen to love. Love is peaceful. Love is content. Love is powerful. I should be strong to withstand all external forces in life. I should be strong to achieve my life purpose. I need to be strong to guide others into creating powerful lives.

My biggest weakness is that  keep entertaining these thoughts and I keep doubting myself. My mind throws at me all kind of garbage thoughts and I keep entertaining them. But I will stop doing that. Now is the time for work. Now is the time to be serious about life.

I am preparing for PLAB exam these days. I am regaining all the medical knowledge I lost during the last three years of depression. I should be able to pass it easily in the next few months. Then I will move to the UK. And then! I will be able to access some sweet psychedelics ???

 

Edited June 19, 2021 by Eren Eeager

[Eren Eeager]

One of the things that I noticed about me is that I dont follow my heart and instincts and keep rationalizing about things. From now on I would follow my heart, I would do the things that my heart wants. If I really want to do something I will reschedule my life to do it. But for now my biggest goal in life is my life purpose.

[Eren Eeager]

I feel weird and tense. I feel weak and animalistic. I must focus on healing myself. No more thoughts to entertain. I must become what I want. I want to be strong passionate, loving, strategic, charismatic, confident, peacful, ambitious and joyful. This is how I picture myself in the coming years. Becoming this person is essential to my happiness and devotion to my life purpose. I want to devote all my life to my life purpose of serving humanity and to raise my state of consciousness. The Truth need to be shared. Wisdom is rare. Stupidity is everyhere. The planet needs more wise and devoted people. I want to be one of those people who are so devotes to sharing infinite love.

Anyways I must not get ahead of myself. Development is gradual and one should take its time during development. I must now focus on healing my self and mu brain,eleminating addictions,gaining back my confidence, integrating my masculinity, developing my charisma and sense of humor. I also want to live a truly balanced life with passion and daily effort towards my purpose.

[Eren Eeager]

I waked up today depressed actually. The thoughts just stormed my brain. I couldn't think straight. I watched some videos on the internet on hope they will go away. I am feeling better now. I know I will be better if I just continue moving forward. It is not going to be easy but this is the only thing I can do. I feel weak and confused but this is okey I will be better. I just kwep reminding myself that I am a long term project and that I will flourish someday if I just keep pushing forward.

[Eren Eeager]

I fucked up today. I got myself into a loop  of negative and dysfunctional thinking process. I got depressed and tried to run away with mindless entertainment. But this will never happen again. I need to be serious about life as Leo told me and stop entertaining these thoughts. I need to heal myself.

[Eren Eeager]

Fucked up yesterday too, lol. I gave up for the thoughts.

Anyways, yesterday I went to take a photo for my graduation. I was tense and way insecure to enjoy the event.

Today I am doing better, the ego backlash passed on. I returned to studying for my my exam in medicine.

[Eren Eeager]

Yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to write down the thoughts that confuse me and try to have a written down answer for all of them so I wouldn't be tricked by the mind to entertain them again.

The thoughts are fueled by a false sense of responsibility to give an answer to these thoughts. It is fueled by fear. I noticed that any thinking process that is fueled by fear ends up in making me confused and discontent.

The thoughts

1. What is strength really is? Real strenght is not at the physical level or how much money you have or how much power you posses.Real strength is measured by how mucg you are detached from your ego. Strength is a spectrum. The more you are detached from the ego the more strong you are. Ego is afraid and weak. Ego makes you weak and silly. A trick of the mind is to mistake aggressive attitude for strength. Real string people are the most peaceful. Aggressive and macho dudes are not that srong actually. They are very weak psychologically and their egos are way underdeveloped. Selfish and aggressive attitude are not relates to real strenght in any way. Real strong man rarely may have to be aggressive,especially physically. Another trick of the mind is to look at some powerful men like hitler for example and say look! This is strong man! I am not saying some men like hitler don't possess some sort of real strenght. Actually they do. And without it they couldn't actually succeed. But Also it is essential to separate that sense of development of real strenght from horrfying selfish and criminal act. They are not in any way related. Actually the less developed the human the more barbaric and physical it tends to be and the more angry and weak it tends to be. The more developed a human is the more it tends to be peacful and indifferent.
2. What does selflessness really mean? Selflessness is another domain of the development of the ego. And also selflessness is mistake  for selfless acts. Being a selfless being doesn't necessarily mean that you do tons of kind and nice things. Selflessness is defined best as the detachment of the need for something or the lack of the resistance for what is happening in the moment. I could be a very selfless individual but at the same time enjoy thr lexuaries of the world and act like a slefish piece of shit. But I am still selfless. Once you are slefless enough you can actually anything and not be worried about it. Ok but a really selfless being deeply desires to serve humanity and decrease the suffering of the world. Actually the more selfless you are the more you desire these things. A selfless being desires to be more selfless and even to extreme levels. However one also must work gradually to attain those levels. To live in this world means to repsect the rules of this world and that means you must sustain a healthy and balanced life style to be able to perform at your best. The mind objects and says, does a selfless being doesn't need sleep for example? A selfless human would really nees to sleep to function. This is how reality works. But if he was put in a situation where he or she couldn't sleep, they wouldn't mind it, they would just slowly die. An advice for myself is to work on attaining selflessness in a slow and gradual pace. Don't hurry things up. Things must take its time. Some trees take tens of years to attain its adult size. Work on your own pace. Another thing to clear up is selflessness doesn't mean you stop doing things,like for example you stop doing sex or buying a car. Selflessness means you are just not attached to these things. And the matter of fact, the more selfless you are the more you can enjoy these things.
3. How important is life purpose? Life purpose is one of the most essential thing for a human being. Life purpose is feuled by your love and passion for reality and people. Life purpose is your way of expressing your genius and creative potential. Life purpose is something you perfect more and more every day. Life purpose is more than money and fame. Sure financial freedom is great but if you are doing it mainly for money and external validation then you are really missing a lot. Those are very weak motivation compared to the burning fire of love and passion. They are nowhere near each other. They are on entirely two different planes of strenght as a motivation.
4. What is the most important feature in judging people? Maturity, level of consciousness, level of growth and development. It is the most important thing when judging people. Not their wealth or status or achievements. However there are some norms like poor people tend to be less developed. But still most of the waelthy people lack development in so many fields. So external things are not that helpful in judging people. Many achivers and successful people still lack development in many fields. For example they are still acting animals essentially. They didn't master the ego. The ego stills controls most of their actions. They are not feuled by love and passion. They are feuled by selfish desires of money, fame, sex and external validation. Also thier cognitive and philosophical development is very low. They are dormant on the philosophical level. They don't do serious thinking about life and existence. They are still sheep governed by society, let alone their spirtual development which is laughable.
5. What is the bare minimum for you? For me the bare minimum is a good level og psychological development and sense of life purpose.

Edited June 22, 2021 by Eren Eeager

[Eren Eeager]

I am working back on the basics. I need to work my survival abilities. I suck now at survival. The never ending thinking process in the couple last year made me skip many important things in my development. Basics, I lack basics. So I will be working on that. Discipline, confidence masculinity and social skills will be the core things to be focusing on.

[Eren Eeager]

One very important insight I have been getting lately is that I am preventing myself from tapping into my real potential. I am very very valuable and have a huge potential. I know that. But at the same time my mind is preventing me from tapping into taht potential.
how does it do that? By distracting me and preventing me from trusting the existential. I need to trust God. I need to trust wisdom. I invested too much in the truth and this is it. This is where I get the fruits.

[Eren Eeager]

Today I ended my ego backlash episode. I grew atronger this time for sure. I know it. Something important I noticed was that I isolated myself in my thoughts bubble that I forgot how the world works. I must be in the worls, engaged in it, not isolating myslef and running away. The thoughts must not be hear. The thoughts must be dismissed. The thoughts must go away. I must work on my life. I am desperate for growth.

[Eren Eeager]

I am doing good so far. The thoughts are getting weaker and are losing their efficacy on me. they distracted me for too long. Now I should be able to focus on my personal success. I need to clear my mind from all the silly things the thoughts put in my mind. 
I am awake at 5 am now studying for the exam. I am learning a lot. This should be the foundation for my practice in the future. 

[Eren Eeager]

6. What if things were different? What if you were born into a poor family? What if you were born in war-torn country? What if? Nothing is guaranteed. But still I will always try to enjoy life and develop myself as much as I can.

7. How to experience a good life?

• Live a balanced life
• Develop your emotional intelligence
• Work seriously on a life purpose
• Develop a serious level of detachment
• Guided by love and passion not fear and need
• Trusting God/love instead of the ego and society
• Work on understanding reality
• Spiritual development

8. What is the experience of average human being like?

• No sense of wonder or excitment towards life
• No passion or love towards life
• Thinks life cannot offer more
• Living with the same attitude towards life since tens of years
• No life purpose. Just a job to get money to survive
• Creative potential is massively limited
• Denies he/she a selfish creature
• Chasing money, fame, sex
• Very underdeveloped psychologically, philosophically and spiritually

Edited June 26, 2021 by Eren Eeager

[Eren Eeager]

Don't overcomplicate things. It is just you God trying to be infinity again. Stop resisting. Resistance is what keeping you from yourself. Love yourself immensely. Stop theorizing. You theorized a lot. Start being yourself. Start being safe, strong, secure and calm. Stop calling the thoughts. Stop contradicting yourself.