Survival

[Zec]

I’ve watched Leo’s video on survival and I’ve noticed how mechanical I’ve been my entire life. My Mother died when I was a baby, and I’ve been raised by my father and older brother for some time. I think around 8 years old my father got married and I started living with my new stepmother, 4 stepdaughters and a step brother. I think I didn’t take that transition very well. And I felt lonely and felt I didn’t have much control over my life. I think being beveraved at such a young age and being thrown into an different family who I wanted to love tho didn’t really love me back was very traumatizing. That lack of control and mechanical way of trying to get love and approval still drives me to this day. I’ve been in suicidal ideation and asked my Dad and stepmother if my stepsisters knew i was in the hospital. I ask my stepsister Hillary if I can have a completion talk and express my resentments and appreciations and get over my attachment to her and she says no or doesn’t respond. I think of suicide and drive arond thinking of where to commit suicide, and how I should do it. I think that I should get into an accident on purpose in order to get attention from my stepsisters. Seems everything I’ve done in my life was to get attention from my stepsisters. Laying in bed pretending to be a sad miserable lonely person seems to be a way to get attention. I notice the thought that even writing this is mechanical. I’m a mess. 

[Zec]

And I will tell my therapist about the suicidal thoughts 

[Mu_]

@Zec Ya please stay alive, dont die so soon, there's a lot more thats possible and seeing these tendencies is a start.  Your so young, you have no idea whats possible if you clean up some of your stuff and remain open to life.

[Snader]

I promise you, there is a new start for you. Your life could be a mess atm, but you get over that, you fix those issues with yourself, you conquer, that's what we do, when we're challenged by life! We don't give up, we prevail! 

Sometimes stuff feels so personal and it hurts so much that it feels like there is no joy anymore, that the current cloud of shit has filled the sky for good. But that's not the case, there is always a new peak of joy, happiness, bliss and love in front of us, and those things are waiting for you, until you fix the mess. Life has so much more for you. Suicide doesn't fix anything. 

That's good. Keep talking to your therapist and he will guide you through. You clearly have work to do, but man the feeling after you've conquered those deficiencies and start seeing light, it feels AWESOME!