My Girlfriend Has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

[Voodoo Child]

I'm wondering if anyone out there is familiar with BPD and/or has experience being in a relationship with someone who has BPD.

To be brief: I've been in a relationship with this woman for almost 6 years, and I love her deeply. However, I now find myself in a state of doubt, fear, and uncertainty. In February, she attempted suicide for the second time and spent a week in the hospital. It was a traumatic experience that I am still haunted by. Shortly after she returned home, I learned she was diagnosed with BPD (she also has depression and anxiety). Since then, I have rapidly become aware of how toxic these past 6 years have been, for me and her. Everything that confused me in the past has an explanation with this disorder.

The more I learn about BPD, the more fearful I become that I am stuck in a never-ending rabbit hole of codependency, pain, and falsehood. No matter how firmly I know that I love her, no matter how much I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and no matter how much she means to me, I feel like I can't trust myself. I am reflecting on how many times I should have broken up with her in the past, and the logical part of my brain is telling me that I have to break up with her now as a result. But I absolutely do not want to break up with her. I remain optimistic for the future, regardless of the past. 

Essentially, I am worried the love I feel is a toxic form of attachment that my ego will never let go. So why should I think I can trust myself?

There are many details I can provide to add context. Right now, I'm curious if anyone has ever had a similar experience in a relationship with a borderline...

[Preety_India]

You haven't provided details on what made you want to break up with her in the past. 

What incidents/behaviours? 

 

 

Hard to tell you what to do if the post is so vague. 

You simply don't break up with someone just because they were diagnosed with some disorder. 

Give some details on what's exactly going wrong. 

 

[intotheblack]

My older sister was borderline from being a teen, and now she has kinda 'grown out of it' so to speak.  But yeah, living with her was a bit of a nightmare and she was very difficult.  she did enter into codependant long term relationships, and whenever she was in a relationship we wouldn't see her because she would live with them.  I remember being glad when she wasn't living at home.  But basically in her most unstable, younger years she was self harming, impossible to have a conversation with, manipulative, snappy, she would also drink alot, like a bottle of wine every night. when she was drunk she would become overly emotional. she broke into my padlocked diaries and would read my private stuff. i didnt understand any of it back then though, It was just who she was and i would try to keep out of her way lol.  I wish I understood it because i would have done more to help her, but i was also a kid. and this was the late 90s - early 2000s, nobody was aware of anything like that.

normally you can grow out of this, and by grow out of it i mean the instability and unpredictable behaviour. By understanding what caused it, what triggers are.  Someone with bpd has an extreme negative self image and self hatred, this will take years to change and will stay as a shadow even though they have learned to 'act normal'

we are much closer now as we got older and figured out all of our family issues and she's one of my best friends.

stay clear of alcohol and drugs.

Edited June 16, 2021 by intotheblack

[Voodoo Child]

@intotheblack thank you for sharing. I am hopeful that she will grow and improve over time. @Preety_India thank you for your interest. It’s a bit much to go into everything she did in the past, but if you understand BPD, I’ll just say it’s the typical things that occur — emotional manipulation, cycles between adoration and devaluation, her lack of self-love or even a grounded/developed sense of self, merging her identity with me, intense mood swings, black-and-white thinking and feeling like her emotions are absolute truths, victim mentality, distorted perception to make everything negative (e.g., If she misinterprets something well-intentioned, it’s “You made me feel bad!” and she won’t believe my perspective), and so on.
 

My thoughts right now are that I should learn from the past, but not become sucked into it. My eyes have been opened in the past several months. I don’t want to leave her simply because of the BPD (although many out there argue that it’s reason enough, because it inherently prevents the person from having healthy relationships with others). What I think I want — now that I understand more about how a healthy relationship works — is to be firm in my boundaries and address anything that comes up down the road with the appropriate action, even if that means breaking up. After all, she is seeing a therapist and psychiatrist, as well as regularly attending support group sessions. She’s putting in the work and wants to improve. And I want to ground myself in the present.

If any of this sounds like I’m fooling myself, let me know. That’s why I’m posting this... Thanks.

Edited June 16, 2021 by Voodoo Child

[Preety_India]

@Voodoo Child does she have paranoid delusions? 

If the answer is yes, then leave her. 

 

Paranoid delusions are the toughest to deal with. 

 

I had a guy who was BPD and paranoid delusions. It drove me mad trying to explain every little thing to him even when I didn't have bad intentions

 

He would gaslight me and make me look like a bad person even if I loved him to death and doted on him.

Its not worth your life. 

 

[Mason Riggle]

"The most difficult decision you will ever face in life, is whether to give up, or try harder." - Me

@Voodoo Child I can totally relate.  Protect yourself first (be firm in your boundaries).  This will not be easy, but it's not optional.  Imagine being in love with a ferocious lion.. you are amazed by it's presence.. it's shear power.. it's grace and agility.. it's outward beauty, but you also know, given the chance, it will eat you, because it's a Lion.   You may have to love the Lion from a distance (you don't want a lion living in your kitchen).   You don't have to stop loving the lion, but letting it eat you is not loving yourself, which has to come first.  

[RobertZ]

Sorry I only have very little direct experience with BPD, and I have heard very little about it. Sorry if my reflection is likely off-base. This is simply a reflection. 
 

6 years is a long time that you overlooked the ‘negative signs’ in the relationship—presumably in excellent faith—and sounds like you said something about ‘the rest of your life.’ That’s a big deal. Now you are questioning your trust—I notice you did not say that you doubt your Partner or the substantial disorder of her thought, perception, memory, or mood that grossly impairs her capacity, judgment, behaviour, or ability meet the ordinary demands of life. You don’t distrust the disease (which has been well-treated in some very severe instances—maybe taking 2 years of non-stop in a psych ward for paranoid delusions to really pass?): you don’t trust yourself.
 

I’m sorry to hear about the suicide attempt. I can’t imagine how that exp might have threatened your own life-of-love (the woman who fills your life), disturbed you, or generated doubts about your goodness for her. Never mind the effect that leaving her might have on her; You are not asking, “will it hurt her if I leave her? Will she kill herself as a result of me abandoning her, especially at in this vulnerable moment of sickness?” You are asking if your being-with-her is good for her or for you.
 

That you might not be good enough—to be loyal through the difficulties AND the easy times? Wait—you see a very reasonable path out of any aspects of the relationship you profoundly didn’t want, and toward things you always needed and wanted—and the good people around here are, saying, ‘Leave her if she’s having paranoid delusions,’ or ‘leave her if X Y or Z.’ Consider the wisdom in what they’re saying. They are going out on a serious limb and telling you to cut…her…off…from your goodness. She’s draining you, isn’t she? Surely, when she said, “I love you,” you did not think she meant, “…and I would kill the person you love most.” Just listen to what the other people are saying! They are eloquently elucidating a reasonable escape—not only can you tell yourself that the escape makes sense, because there is a rational continuity of your inner sense-making, needs, and authentic desires—but you have a pretty darn good crack at convincing other people that the separation makes sense—if not categorically, at least by virtue of the fact that you will have moved on from her years from now, and living a great life.

But if you do not leave— “a never-ending rabbit hole of codependency, pain, and falsehood.” 

‘I should have, would have, could have left her years ago!’ But you hardly have to mention it—you do love her, and you absolutely do not want to break up: So you doubt…your love. 

Pause—you left something out. You left out how you ‘shouldn’t have, couldn’t have, would not have broken up with her,’ right? You did not mention the sincerity of your love for her in the past—and the perhaps twisted and immature logic of a love more simple and pure. You felt a love that despises, “Would not, could not, should not!” So what, if she was messed up? She was freaking hot and beautiful and amazing—Why not throw away your heart with reckless abandon? Love is simple, right? Love is pure. ‘Love believes all things, hopes all things. Love never ends.’

You don’t trust your love because—you failed to mention—you already trusted love once—and see where it brought you? Love brought you here, my friend—to the precipice of the death of love (and perhaps to a journey beyond the death—that God loves no matter what).

Let me tell you some brutal “advice” I heard that St John of the Cross, in the Dark night of the Soul, allegedly provided in some context or other.

’Discern the spirits. Do not make a decision in a state of desolation, but decide in peace—you made a decision in clarity, peace and joy. So Don’t change your life course in desolation.’

Yeah—I’m not saying it is good advice. I’m just citing it.

So, let’s try applying this alleged advice: you made a choice to give your heart to your GF in a moment of simple and genuine love—come what may. And, in the depth of your choice of life-with-her, you overlooked a thousand red flags. Things became more and more desolate until…bleak suicide.

Now do you abandon your pure love? 

Look my friend. I’m an N of one. If you want to know what I did—I kept going with the difficult situation beyond the point of no return, as things became more and more depressing. I hate to say it but I…got something out of continuing to live. And when I finally betrayed my path—I faced unexpectedly-real social exclusion, depression, and a loss of faith. I became what I secretly condemned in my heart. I did not condemn others—I condemned myself. I got a 7 to 14 year-sentence of moral distress.

Sorry, my dear beloved St John of the Cross. I finally made a decision in bleak depression beyond years of tears. Maybe my analysis was wrong. Maybe I heard the advice wrong. Maybe the feelings of unease were supposed to be a new sign? Or, maybe I really failed in my highest calling in this existence. Now I will lick my wounds and get up—just some guy who used to love, or maybe I’m some guy who is more amazing and weird than I ever could have been.

Maybe it is our destiny to delight in guilt. 

No one is going to slap you across the face and say, “DAMNIT MAN! Pull yourself together. You made a commitment.” Wait—actually there are some people who will say that—and you can come up with some bullshit analogy like promising to love an abusive and toxic person. But maybe you should ask those voices where they were when you were struggling with these red flags in the past—and where were they when you were looking for a non-borderline friend?

Go back to your sincere love and choice to embrace your GF. Look deeper. You have already made your choices to stay with her. Now you must choose again. 

What about the excessively wise who died before their time? Plato loved democracy too much—he trusted the majority who said he should drink hemlock—so Plato drank it. 

[Windappreciator]

Is she on any psychiatric medication?

[lmfao]

@Voodoo Child Any updates you have? You still together? 

[Raze]

Read “I hate you don’t leave me” or “Walking on eggshells”

tell her to take lithium or , lithium orotate, and get IFS therapy, which reduces bipolar symptoms. 

make sure you talk to a therapist if you have problems as it’s common for the ex’s of bpd people to commit suicide 

[King Merk]

@Voodoo Child any update on the situation?

I’m in a similar relationship with a woman that is great at times but has become toxic. I suspect she has BPD as well (she has also told me she suspects the same) 

[Windappreciator]

Big part of starting  psychological healing is getting out of psychiatry and not giving any significance to the diagnoses

[Matt23]

I don't know if this will help, but I once spoke with a woman, maybe 50 years old, who seemed quite mature and grounded.  In Spiral Dynamics language I'd say she's mid-green level of consciousness.  

Anyways, she grew up in China and had a daughter there.  Though, as time continued, she realized she needed to leave China and move to Canada.  For some reason, this meant she'd have to leave her daughter behind at a young age.  

She chose to do it.  She did feel lots of regret and guilt about it over the years, but when I spoke with her several months ago, she said that she had accepted the choice she made and made peace with it.  She said she felt she did the right thing, and when she said this, emotionally I found it difficult to understand it, but I could feel that there was positivity in that story.  Perhaps a deeper knowing and love.

I don't know if you should leave her or not.  I just hope that if you do, or even if you don't, this story can help somehow.  Perhaps it shows how even situations and choices we usually think of as unforgiveable can be accepted, loved, and forgiven, and that our deepest ideas and feelings of what's truly good and bad can be mistaken.  

We don't always know what's good or bad in the end.  No matter how we feel about it now. 

[hamedsf]

oh damn! I remember a girl from a social circle that she had a borderline personality disorder, damn she was too intolerable. 
don't waste your time and energy with these types of girls (mentally ill girls, girls with childhood traumas, etc)  because in the end you'll be the one who will get damaged in the process and they'll even make you think that you owe something to them, instead of being thankful!
remember sex & romance are the energy exchange. you gotta be fuckin' cautious. think about yourself first!  

Edited December 17, 2021 by hamedsf

[Rahul 2paradox]

@Voodoo Child im too borderline so i completely understand how it would be going  for you.

As the name suggests , its a border between neurosis and psychosis . The person will very neurotic but not completely psychotic &. Possess  have more possibility to become one more then normal healthy people. 

Its like a cocktail of all usual disorders - depression , anxiety , ocd , ptsd  n all.

The person have major mood swings which can be problem for them and people around . And suggests that chronic feelings of emptiness are reflective of a dysregulation of identity. Feels empty inside or lack of emotions almost all the time. We do have less facial expressions because of that. It majorly stems from having a traumatic childhood as in my case too , i did have a very dysfunctional childhood. It do comes from neurological issue then from just having a bad psychology which makes it more difficult from treating. 

The scans revealed that in many people with BPD, 3 parts of the brain were either smaller than expected or had unusual levels of activity. These parts were:

the amygdala – which plays an important role in regulating emotions, especially the more "negative" emotions, such as fear, aggression and anxiety

the hippocampus – which helps regulate behaviour and self-control

the orbitofrontal cortex – which is involved in planning and decision making

Problems with these parts of the brain may well contribute to symptoms of BPD.

The development of these parts of the brain is affected by your early upbringing. These parts of your brain are also responsible for mood regulation, which may account for some of the problems people with BPD have in close relationships.

Also as being neglected in childhood they face problem trusting people and are feared they people would leave them . They might not say it but they do fear that people will leave them now or someday. 

You might have seen her mood swings too. And her anger outburst too suddenly out of no where . We do have serious action taking tendencies , suicidal intentions and self harm behaviours as of the the symptoms. They even do take sudden serious actions just to make other feel something . And its not like they we are not aware of our issues . We are completely aware of our problems completely but face difficulty to work on.  

Bro ya it will be pretty toxic for you but even if you leave her still she'll still be clinging to you and will try to be around you . As you might have seen it would be a big deal for her to move on from things and people.They are also very hypersexual, they have loads n loads of negative coping mechanism to deal with their empty feeling.

I don't hear jordan peterson much but he do says things about bpd which is very accurate 

" A person with bdp can analyse , understand , contemplate , reflect back , strategize but they do face difficulty to perform or take action "

Which u might have seen sometimes her words may won't match her actions at all. They might dream big but do nothing , take zero actions or even if they do they leave things in between. As for me forming a habit is the most difficult thing to do. Person also gets paranoid very easily.

Hearing voices as hallucination. This is because hearing voices a sensory experience that isn't real. Delusions are beliefs, not experiences, so hearing voices would not be a delusion . Which i personally never faced but people with bdp do sometimes if the  problems gets very serious and left ignored. 

They also disassociate with reality sometimes which makes it difficult for them to differentiate between reality and their thinking. And face confusion a big times. Does she gets confused and asked u what to do a lots of times ?

But they do have a good side like people with bpd are natural highly intelligent and are very creative. 

Professional and so called phds suggests that it can't be treated completely but symptoms can be improve which is utter nonsense. They themselves don't know how to treat it because it's very less studied and researched. Thay says just  what the have read and books .

Its is completely treatable just a good and genuine  psychologist is required who can help them in long run. 

Dont get in all those limitations and doctor's suggestions much , they"ll fill you mind with all nonsense. 

Does she face difficulty in socializing ? Like just being connected to you only and trying to avoid other people and friends ?

I personally have come a long long way and can say without any doubt the person can cured the only thing is that they themselves want to recover from it and is willing to put lots of effort . If not and keep making excuses all the time you can't do anything about it and will affect you more and more. 

Break up ties is the only way if she don't put effort on herself . You will be too stressed  and she herself too & will keep attracting stress and trauma at the point where it would be too late. 

Psychiatric medication can create more problem , keep her away from them instead of it you can go for various nootropics , psychedelic therapy and dbt .

People and doctors  are generally too scared deal with a person with  bdp. Its not that because of it too complex ,  just because of its not that much famous like ptsd , ocd , anorexia and all and they themselves have very less or no knowlegde about it . 

 

[integral]

@Voodoo Child Any updates on this, are you guys still together? 

[Razard86]

On 12/16/2021 at 8:22 PM, Windappreciator said:

Big part of starting  psychological healing is getting out of psychiatry and not giving any significance to the diagnoses

I'm glad you realize it. America and many other modern cultures create mental illness. Then they keep you on the drugs for life. Outside of structural damage/disorders in the brain its all a result of cultural programming.

[Preety_India]

Oh God