Self Esteem

[ndm678]

How exactly does one overcome a low self esteem problem? I've watched Leo's video as well as some others to try to wrap my brain around this. I feel I'm stuck.

I have high confidence in every other facet of my life except in dealings with the oppsite sex. but this is a larger hole that can't seem to be filled by normal means.

It was a subject when I went to therapy a few years back. We had tried some CBT excersises. I thought I had this solved, turns out other events were able to mask and hide it for awhile.

I moved to a small town and decided to set up a dating profile (no where to meet and mingle within 40 miles). I impulsively swipe, I get little to no responses, I obsess, I continue. I watch myself and observe myself partaking in this, I still feel empty. 

I dont know exactly how to mediate on it, my meditation time turns into monkeymind on crack.

It's a deep problem that has been long standing, hiding for long periods of time when the circumstances are right. 

Any advice would be welcome. I'm 40 and should be through this, its something I'm willing to do the work on (and have attempted to address), but seem to fall very short.

 

[How to be wise]

@ndm678 You should read Nathaniel Branden. I’m sure his books will help.

[ndm678]

@How to be wise Thanks, I will check out his work

[intotheblack]

your shadows and insecurities will always be triggered and come out when dealing with intimate relationships...you can ignore it or face it head on and grow from it. start with some foundational shadow work, read as much as you can about self esteem and self love.

I would also say, scrap the dating apps.  if you want to improve your self esteem, dating apps are one of the worst things to lower self esteem. 

i would even go as far as to say just forget about dating all together for now, work on your foundations and other things in your life, start a healing process.  This is better done without unneccasry drama and stress... make a concious effort to talk to all types of ppl in real life situations.

Edited June 16, 2021 by intotheblack

[Harlen Kelly]

12 hours ago, ndm678 said:

I moved to a small town and decided to set up a dating profile (no where to meet and mingle within 40 miles). I impulsively swipe, I get little to no responses, I obsess, I continue. I watch myself and observe myself partaking in this, I still feel empty. 

If your dating life is holding you back in terms of your self-esteem, move a to a city with a highly dense population. Since you are already successful in other facets of your life as you mentioned, this should be easy. 

Get on the habit of interacting regularly with other people and go out at least 3 times a week, preferably with a social circle of friends who have similar goals. 

Habits that can considerably increase your chances of behaving confidently and exuding positive energy: meditation, clean up your diet and exercise. 

Your life and your predominant emotional state outside of the dating scene is just as important as your life inside the dating scene which is the reason why it's advisable to perform daily activities that put you in a happy/positive emotional state (such as the activities I already mentioned). 

It will be challenging to go out regularly if you don't have a social circle or a couple of wingmen.

You don't necessarily need to become very proficient with women to overcome your self-esteem issues, but if you feel like you have to get this part of your life sorted out, by all means do it. 

[intotheblack]

this is a good book and the full audio is on youtube.

 

[ndm678]

@intotheblack Thank you, the sad angle of this is I was married for 18 years (most of my adult life). I honestly thought this problem was solved. I've pretty much been a mess since. I totally agree I need to do some shadow work to move through this, yet again. I appreciate the book, I will definately work with it. 

1 hour ago, Harlen Kelly said:

If your dating life is holding you back in terms of your self-esteem, move a to a city with a highly dense population. Since you are already successful in other facets of your life as you mentioned, this should be easy. 

Get on the habit of interacting regularly with other people and go out at least 3 times a week, preferably with a social circle of friends who have similar goals. 

Habits that can considerably increase your chances of behaving confidently and exuding positive energy: meditation, clean up your diet and exercise. 

Your life and your predominant emotional state outside of the dating scene is just as important as your life inside the dating scene which is the reason why it's advisable to perform daily activities that put you in a happy/positive emotional state (such as the activities I already mentioned). 

It will be challenging to go out regularly if you don't have a social circle or a couple of wingmen.

You don't necessarily need to become very proficient with women to overcome your self-esteem issues, but if you feel like you have to get this part of your life sorted out, by all means do it. 

 

[ndm678]

@Harlen Kelly Thank you for the insight. I moved to 'the middle of nowhere' to get away from the noise and focus on the inner work I need to do. This avenue is definately something I need to be more mindful of. I just don't know why it 'burns as hot' as it does. I could assume a good level of confidence, when I was a bit liquored up, but that's not what I want to be doing anymore. The neurotic inner game I maintain is the real issue. I guess that's where I need to start, but where? Because it pretty much consumes and negates my mindful practices.

[Harlen Kelly]

50 minutes ago, ndm678 said:

I just don't know why it 'burns as hot' as it does.

Because of lack of contact with the opposite sex or what exactly? 

It might be related to your divorce.

51 minutes ago, ndm678 said:

I guess that's where I need to start, but where? Because it pretty much consumes and negates my mindful practices.

Meditation in spite of the monkey mind, you will eventually reach a predominantly peaceful state of mind.