Advice on what to do regarding my friend's weird behaviour

[somegirl]

I'm very close to this frind of mine. We met in college, and have known each other for 3 years now.

Howerever.

She has this weird habit where, one day, she will communicate with me alright, we have fun, laugh etc, and then other day she (almost) completely ignores me and doesn't talk to me at all, and we don't connect. And then I often wonder if she is upset with me, or if I did something wrong. We could be in a same company, yet she barely talks to me, and I feel ignored.
And I sincerely don't think she does this to hurt me. But nevertheless, it bothers me a bit. I don't know why this happens.

I'm now in a situation where I find myself wondering "how will she behave towards me today?" Will she be in a mood to talk to me normally or will she turn and talk to other people, without saying a word to me for a whole day. And I hate this. It's emotionally draining. 

I don't know what to do. Am I being possesive here? Advice? 
Thanks.

[Guest EmptyVase]

Have you ever tried talking to her about it?

11 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Am I being possesive here?

Do you think you are possesive?

[somegirl]

@EmptyVase

10 minutes ago, EmptyVase said:

Have you ever tried talking to her about it?

Do you think you are possesive?

Well, I am honestly confused about her behaviour. But I think my fault is that I gave away too much of my "power" to her, so now my mood depends on whether or not she will decide to (almost) completely ignore me or talk to me normally.

I think wanting to know why you're ignored is not possesive. I might be possesive in a way that I pay attention to her too much and worry how she will behave towards me that day.

Edit: Didn't see the first question. I didn't talk to her about it. I'm a bit afraid because I don't want to be in conflict with her.

Edited June 15, 2021 by somegirl

[Flowerfaeiry]

You two have been friends for three years, it is a bit strange you don't feel comfortable talking to her about this. The situation you describe with wondering how she will behave toward you and that it's emotionally draining reminds me of how folks feel in an abusive relationship. 

[somegirl]

3 minutes ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

You two have been friends for three years, it is a bit strange you don't feel comfortable talking to her about this. The situation you describe with wondering how she will behave toward you and that it's emotionally draining reminds me of how folks feel in an abusive relationship. 

The reason I am afraid is because I associate "me feeling bothered about something and expressing it to someone" with conflicts and argumenets. Almost always when I expressed what bothered me, I always made person angry and it didn't end well.

That's why. And I don't want to get in conflict with person I care about. I don't want to lose her.
But at the same time, I'm aware that, if she is unable to understand me and care for me in this situation when I express what bothers me, she shouldn't be my friend in the first place. 

[Vynce]

This altering state of kindness and ignorance is usually a clever mechanism of the ego, which cannot flourish if everything is predictable fine. It needs the drama and amplitude of emotions to work withing your friend. Sadly I have years of experience with such people.

The way to go here would be to talk about her in a complete "non-judgemental" and present way. So that her ego can't interpret this as an offensive. 

But be open to get possiblity that after she acknowledges your point she will ignore you even more. That's because her ego knows you can't be used stir up more drama. 

But eventually everything will work out fine and she reflects on her behavior. This will take time however. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

4 minutes ago, somegirl said:

I'm aware that, if she is unable to understand me and care for me in this situation when I express what bothers me, she shouldn't be my friend in the first place. 

Yes, but it may not be so cut and dry. You seem to have somewhat of a good relationship with her otherwise. Maybe try talking to her about your concerns when you two are in a good place, not when she's giving you the cold shoulder.

Keep it lighthearted and express to her in a positive manner what bothers you about some of the interactions you two have. It can be easy to spiral into negativity with stuff like this so keep it upbeat if possible. 

If you've actually been feeling like breaking it off is best, allow yourself to explore that possibility and go from there. 

[somegirl]

32 minutes ago, Vynce said:

This altering state of kindness and ignorance is usually a clever mechanism of the ego, which cannot flourish if everything is predictable fine. It needs the drama and amplitude of emotions to work withing your friend. Sadly I have years of experience with such people.

The way to go here would be to talk about her in a complete "non-judgemental" and present way. So that her ego can't interpret this as an offensive. 

But be open to get possiblity that after she acknowledges your point she will ignore you even more. That's because her ego knows you can't be used stir up more drama. 

But eventually everything will work out fine and she reflects on her behavior. This will take time however. 

You think this is the case? Do you think, if she really needs drama, if I ignore her, this will eventually pass? Because I'm not engaging.
(I will talk to her nevertheless btw, just asking if this logic makes sense)

[kinesin]

@somegirl  The other advice you got is bizarre and disconnected from reality (abusive relationship?  she's trying to stir up drama? You have far too little information to suggest such a possibilities).  I've been through this myself from both perspectives - I've been the person feeling ignored and the person doing the ignoring, and I've also spoken to many people about this over the years.

The most likely answer is that she simply doesn't feel very good on those days.  She likely has some degree of anxiety or tendency toward depression, and on those days when she doesn't feel up to talking to you, she hides away.  If you want to talk to her about it in a positive way, I suggest asking her if she ever feels anxious or if she can't bring herself to be social some days, and tell her that if she ever needs space that you'll give it to her.  Far more people go through this than you might think.

Edited June 15, 2021 by kinesin

[Guest EmptyVase]

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

Well, I am honestly confused about her behaviour. But I think my fault is that I gave away too much of my "power" to her, so now my mood depends on whether or not she will decide to (almost) completely ignore me or talk to me normally.

I appreciate it that you see the important role of responsibility. The confusion could stem from how the responsibility is distributed and/or weighted.

You are responsible for your thoughts only. Out of that stems the responsibility of keeping alive a healthy relationship. But it's not a one-way street. The responsibility is not yours only, it's also the responsibility of your friend.

Likewise, and even more important than that, the way she feels and the way she thinks is not your responsibility. If her mood is shitty, that's not on you. (Of course, there is the possibility of being an asshole towards someone or making someone else uncomfortable, which would result in oneself being responsible for that. But I highly doubt that this is the case here.) So when she acts badly to you because of her bad mood, that's not your responsibility. That's on her. But you can still help her if you want to.

It's ultimately up to you how you feel and think about things and certain situations, but at the same time, I think it's totally okay to not feel so good when she is acting toxic to you. Denying that it makes you feel bad is even worse than trying to "stay positive" all the time.

2 hours ago, somegirl said:

I think wanting to know why you're ignored is not possesive. I might be possesive in a way that I pay attention to her too much and worry how she will behave towards me that day.

Edit: Didn't see the first question. I didn't talk to her about it. I'm a bit afraid because I don't want to be in conflict with her.

I don't think that your behavior is possessive too. I feel like your concern comes from a place of love.

Still, it seems like you're possessed by your thoughts about this whole situation. And they seem to be in the same thought-group, which also keep you from openly talking to her.

So maybe, when she has a good day, you could talk to her about it and express how you feel. Beware though: if you express openly, you make yourself very vulnerable (which is pretty brave and admirable). So when you're super open, and she happens to react toxic to it, you could suck up "her negativity" even more, and as a result, close down more than before. But then again, maybe that's not what will happen. Maybe she's thankful that you speak up, maybe she has some aches which she's hidden from herself and with you being so open, she can be open too. Maybe she understands how you feel.

[somegirl]

@kinesin 

1 hour ago, kinesin said:

The most likely answer is that she simply doesn't feel very good on those days.  She likely has some degree of anxiety or tendency toward depression, and on those days when she doesn't feel up to talking to you, she hides away.  If you want to talk to her about it in a positive way, I suggest asking her if she ever feels anxious or if she can't bring herself to be social some days, and tell her that if she ever needs space that you'll give it to her.  Far more people go through this than you might think.

Thanks so much for this. It makes a lot of sense.

I really did think it's not personal, but I was confused as to why she feels the need to just disconnect from me, and instead talk to other people. She is social, just not with me (at all, on those days). But this gives some sort of understanding.

[mandyjw]

Instead of worrying so much about how she feels, pay attention to how you feel. Change your focus to something other than worrying about it. Often when we start worrying about saying the wrong things it causes us to feel the tension that has a weird way of speaking through us AS the wrong things. Practice self care. Think of things that are fun for you, or if you feel like going there, things that are fun for both of you, a joke she might really appreciate, etc. As you allow yourself to feel more fun and ease you'll be inspired to things that bring fun and ease into the relationship as well. 

[Thought Art]

Maybe she just feels introverted sometimes

[somegirl]

@Thought Art Introverted enough to talk to other people but not me.

[kinesin]

@somegirl  Yes, that's how it works for me.  When I'm in that position there are people I can still socialize with and people who I can't.  Part of the issue for me relates to pressure to be fun and entertaining - when I find myself feeling down and introverted, I'm only able to interact with people who I can truly relax around without any expectation of being fun or interesting in any way.  With certain people, even though I enjoy their company hugely and love them as people, that sense of security isn't there to the same degree and I find myself putting on a bit of a 'fun persona' with a lot more humour and laughter, which makes hanging out with those people particularly fun as long as I feel good, but then I find myself avoiding and ignoring them at times when I can't bring myself to be fun.

Like I said, this is a very common issue that a lot of people experience, so it's almost surely the case with your friend.