My thoughts part 2

[Preety_India]

Trying. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My mother is a narcissistic sociopath. 

 

I suffered her narcissistic abuse and sociopathy for more than a decade. 

 

It was a lot of suffering as a child. 

 

She would do everything in her power to create deep fears in me. She would be passive aggressive with me. 

 

One day she would be nice to me and next day she would be very cold and then the next day she would be raging and threatening me. 

 

She had created deep fears in me 

 

 

 

Sometimes she would say things like "I wish I had you aborted." 

 

"if I had a gun I wouldn't hesitate to shoot you." 

 

I remember being a child and watching her walk past me and my heart would suddenly start pounding as I was having a heart attack. 

 

She had created such fear and PTSD in me. 

 

She is a vile woman. 

 

My dad was an empath, very kind and caring. My mom absolutely devoured him like a beast. 

 

She would constantly harass him. 

 

When I became a bit older she turned her attention to me and began targeting me 

 

She would regularly attack my appearance, attach my self esteem, insult me in front of other people. 

 

She always wanted me to know who the real boss is. 

 

She could never accept any kind of failure or defeat in life. 

 

She never cried. I never saw her crying. She used to treat crying like a sheepish thing.. 

 

She used to make fun of disabled people. Anyone who appeared weak to her didn't deserve a life. 

 

On the other hand I used to cry a lot. I was completely opposite of her. My dad used to cry a lot too. 

 

I remember seeing my dad cry often but never her. She was almost undefeatable. She never showed much of an emotion which was honestly very baffling to me. 

 

She used to insult my dad at every opportunity. This used to happen on a regular basis. 

 

My dad was just a slave to her. 

 

I used to feel sorry for my dad because he was such a great guy being abused by his wife. His self esteem had rapidly declined under her abuse. 

 

When I looked through patterns of narcissistic abuse, I saw that almost every trait described her perfectly. 

 

She would do everything that a narcissist would do. 

 

When I was a teen she would make sure I didn't have a single friend. She would isolate me from everyone. She would insult my friends on purpose so that they left me. 

 

She always wanted me to have a helpless look on my face. 

 

If I ever told her that I really depended on her, this used to make her feel very warmed, almost as though I have surrendered to her and now she has absolute control and reign over everything. She loved playing the role of the provider and feeder, as if it was something that gave a sense of control over everything. She didn't want me to be independent. 

 

If I ever mentioned to her that I needed a job or I wanted to have my own life, she would freak out, as though by simply wishing I had a life of my own was like a big crime. 

 

One of the reasons I started to dig deeper into narcissistic abuse is because I wanted to thoroughly process my mom's unusual behavior. She was and is unusually destructive

 

 

[Preety_India]

My mom cheated on my dad a few years before his death. 

 

He never knew but in his absence I discovered her cheating and confronted her to which she would offer silly repulsive justifications. 

 

Nobody gives a damn about how someone feels. 

Those are who are at the bottom of the world are kicked even lower. 

It's so hurtful. It's so hurtful. 

I have already endured so much trauma and abuse in my life. Horrific abuse during my childhood. 

And to read such insensitive comments, it's so hurtful to see how the world judges you and thinks about you with absolutely zero consideration. 

 I'm breaking down in tears right now. This is absolutely the most awful thing ever. 

This is such an awful comment. 

 

 

Abused girls going back to abusers to come back for more abuse? Like what? 

This is the most horrendous statement ever. 

How can someone say such a terrible thing? 

Abused women or victims are never asking or going back for more abuse. They simply get manipulated or threatened or blackmailed because they are extremely desperate in their situation and someone is abusing them because it's easy to do so. 

What a horribly insensitive Comment to made. 

I'm at a loss of words. 

Why to come online to read such horrible assumptions and ridicule made about you? 

Abused victims already have it so hard in this world and then to walk in this world with people constantly pitying you, bullying you or hurling insensitive comments at you, reigniting your PTSD post traumatic stress disorder. 

I have been feeling absolutely terrible. 

This whole world should crash and burn for being so heartless and insane. 

People suffer torture and abuse every day with no justice. 

I am completely shaken that this is a self actualization spirituality based website and you get to read such horrible degrading derogatory insensitive Unempathetic perspectives on abuse and abused victims and no consideration for their suffering. 

Didn't expect this here. 

Today is a sad day. 

People are so insensitive. It's insane. 

 

Absolutely zero empathy. 

 

I feel like I'm in a psych ward on here. Surrounded by CC peeps. 

I'm so fed up. 

Someone has to bitch about something. 

If you tried to talk to someone they just delete their thread. 

Someone manipulates me for their own use. 

Like what? 

I'm done man/woman. 

..... 

I don't care about shit anymore. 

It's getting to that point. 

Everyone is CC. 

.......... 

I had these weird dreams. Too weird. 

 

So I see two people in my dream. One girl who is considered rich and spoiled and another guy who is the son of a local politician 

 

There is this weird thing about this girl. She keeps patting her brothers on their shoulders all the time. The brothers don't mind but they don't like it. Maybe she does this because she has OCD or any other mental illness. She does this obsessively. 

 

She never listens to her parents although both her parents want the best for her but she keeps insulting them. Acts arrogant. 

 

The guy on the other hand has violent fantasies of hurting people. So his father who was a clerk but by nepotism and trickery became a politician and is extremely horrible. The guy doesn't listen to his dad and tells him he will do whatever he wants. 

.... 

 

I'm now entering into the coldest darkest super isolated insulated phase of my life. I've never felt such hate and repulsion for the world as I do now. Growing up I was a very social person, I had a cute demeanor, people used to love me, people still love me, I was everyone's joy, the life of the party, the funny cute girl who spreads only and happiness. 

As time went by, things started to gradually change. I remember during my early days in college, how people would make fun of me, the bullying, how the guys would say sexual jokes or take whatever I did as sexual and use it as an opportunity to misbehave, I began to change, I stopped seeing men as emotional creatures capable of sensitivity, one guy spoke about how he loved killing animals, this is where my entire definition of men began to gradually change. I realized that I was in the wrong crowd. I was this super funny decent person sandwiched among sleazy perverted toxic men only wanting something sexual from me and not in a good way, I'd have described most of these men as abusers, the stuff they used to say was very repulsive. 

I began to act broody around them, feeling terribly lonely, isolating myself. I would keep to myself never talking to these guys because I found them to be very cold hearted and extremely harsh. 

I stopped joking with them. Because the stuff they would talk about was dark and serious. They had dark fantasies. Sociopathic fantasies. Some girls tried to be friendly with them to get their attention. But I wasn't going to be one of these girls. I didn't want any form of male attention and not at least from such men. I wasn't going to bend over backwards and compromise my integrity and principles to be with such men. It looked terribly awful and toxic to me. 

And here I am, feeling the same way once again(roll eyes) .feeling desperate, lonely, miserable, outcast, at odds with the world around me, not wanting to fit in with such a crowd, it's the same version of me again who finds this world depraved and chaotic, trying to find happiness within, wanting the whole drama to stop, looking around and seeing the same kind of toxic people, the kind of people who love drama and gore, the kind of people who lick each other's asses to get along, the kind of people who only want things in life but have no moral integrity,who can never match me, who look down on values of empathy, who are never go to be around or rub shoulders with, who like their own animalistic games and call others generic. Who have depraved intentions and Jealousy that they cannot control. Who play mind games and betray you at the drop of a dime. 

I just wanna distance myself from such people because I don't belong there.. 

I belong to a deep dark isolated insulated shell of my own. That I don't plan to ever come out of. I simply want to talk to those who can relate to me. I only want to talk to those who truly understand me and won't play games with me. Who are loyal and keep their word. Who understand my sensitivities and not take advantage of my vulnerabilities. Who I can be a truly loyal friend to and who I can always depend on. A companion. People who I will talk to from my insulated shell because they would deserve my time. They would win my affection. They wouldn't violate my boundaries. 

.... 

Gender :  female 

Age : n/a

Eye color : hazel 

Hair color : doesn't matter. It's a wig anyway. Multicolored. 

Drinks : no

Smokes : no

Has pets : yes 

Occupation : preoccupation with men 

Hobbies : nothing. Being a shitty person in general. 

Attitude : entitled 

Syndrome : Damsel in Distress 

Favorite book : Drama Therapy 

Favorite movie : How to trick men and let down women 

Literate : highly literate. Award worthy literate. Can write great literature. Library of Alexandria worthy. 

Education : nothing beyond  school 

Clothes : thrift store 

Job : drug dealing with her pack of friends. 

Thoughts on men : they are worthless. 

Thoughts on women : they're worthless unless they are useful in some way to be manipulated and get a job done. 

Notorious for : being a shit show 

Famous for : riling shit up 

Goals in life : blaming men for everything. Using women for everything. Hating men for nothing. Trying to appear as the good two shoes Kind of a woman. 

Favorite role model : spoiled little brat 

Favorite food : tamales 

Other characteristics 

Goes around telling people how they need to be so good. Acts like she has all the moral high ground. Wouldn't miss an opportunity to throw anyone under the bus. Acts like a total slut but demonizes other women who do the same. Can't stand productive women. Has to put her nose into everything. Can never sit still. Always whiny. Latches on to other women's scars and stories so she can drum up sympathy out of it. 

 

 

Profile of a man that I hate 

 

 

Gender : Male 

 

Age : n/a

 

Eye color : hazel 

 

Hair color : doesn't matter. It's a wig anyway. Multicolored. Thick black/blonde/brown maybe 

 

Drinks : no

 

Smokes : no

 

Has pets : no

 

Occupation : preoccupation with women 

 

Hobbies : nothing. Being a shitty person in general. 

 

HB : terrible 

 

Attitude : entitled 

 

Syndrome : Incel in Distress 

 

Favorite book : The Art of finding confirmation bias. 

 

Favorite movie : how to hunt women and then berate them 

 

Literate : highly literate. Award worthy literate. Can write great literature. Library of Alexandria worthy. 

 

Education : university reloaded. 

 

Clothes : Abercrombie 

 

Job : Pickup artist 

 

Thoughts on men : they are God's gift 

 

Thoughts on women : they're worthless unless they are useful in some way to be manipulated and get a job done. Blow Job

 

 

Notorious for : riling up women 

 

Famous for : being the weak boy tough guy. 

 

Goals in life : blaming women for everything. Using women for everything. Hating women for nothing. Trying to appear as the saintly pick up artist who knows everything about women and the world. Taking misogyny to another level. Making sexism look cool. 

 

Favorite role model : supermodel. Nah. A guy with a six pack who meditates but secretly hates women. 

 

Favorite food : egg and bacon sandwich 

 

Other characteristics 

 

Goes around telling people how they need to be so good. Acts like he has all the moral high ground. Wouldn't miss an opportunity to throw anyone under the bus. Acts like a total douche  but demonizes other men who do the same. Can't stand productive men. Has to put his nose into everything. Can never sit still. Always whiny. Latches on to other men's scars and stories so he can drum up sympathy out of it

 

 

 

Edited June 15, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

So this is how I really am. 

 

I'm not someone who can simply consume behaviors and watch everyone from a distance. Either I'm close to you emotionally or I'm not. My experiences in life shaped me into becoming an emotionally vulnerable and tender person. 

 

I am that person who cries in the bathroom but shows up next day to class with a hoodie and sweatshirt on and doesn't say much and carries on quietly, literally carrying a thunderstorm inside. One scratch on my surface and you will see glass inside. Yes I'm made of glass. I break and when I break, hell breaks loose, and I shatter to pieces. I'm an HSP, acronym for highly sensitive person. 

 

I have a spatial brain disorder which means I need ample space when I read things and I can't cobble words together or else I end up with spasmodic panic attacks. Therefore you will find my writing with lots of space left out here and there and a lot of irregularities in the way I format text, suddenly leaving large spaces in between or writing too little or too much. This is done because my brain likes it that way and finds it less anxiety provoking. 

 

I'm very emotionally chaotic and fragile so if I end up fighting with my boyfriend, I won't get sleep that night, so my best option is to simply sit silent even if I feel like protesting, which gives an unfair advantage to the other party and they begin to dominate my weaknesses.. 

 

I'm more prone to abuse than others because of my brain disorders and my lack of ability to "not suck it up." 

 

I was born premature, at the 8th month and severely underweight and malnourished to the point that I was placed under intensive care during my first few days and then my parents were informed of my delicate health.. 

 

When I walk I stumble a lot, lose balance too often and end up getting into many accidents which again has a lot to do with development delays in the womb. 

 

Yet I always tried to be the best kid in class, worked hard to get an A in every subject for a consecutive 10 years in school. I got many awards and honors in school and I was an A student.. 

 

I never did smoking, drinking, drugs or any of that shit ever. 

 

My first crush was at 19. My first boyfriend was at 21.. 

 

My biggest handicap was my rotund family and my environment being extremely toxic always driving me to the edge of suicide... 

 

Despite all my setbacks the only thing that drove me ahead was my infinite love for my dad. My dad always wanted me to be the best. When he died, I had promised on his dead body that I would never give up and live an extraordinary life to make myself worthy of his admiration. He was always proud of me. When he died, the last words he spoke were "please take care of yourself" and I will never forget how he was always worried about me and my future.. 

 

I just want my dad to know that I'll do fine no matter what. And even if things don't get better, I will still do fine. I'm a self made person. I had everything on my own without any help. I will always be the strongest no matter what. That's what all the struggles made me. They burned in me an incredible resolve to be resilient and not give up.. 

 

..... 

Like I said I'm a highly sensitive high strung person. It's also my PTSD that makes me extra sensitive. 

Either I'm energetically bonded to you, in which case you have to be resolutely loyal to me to the point of absurd, since I consider loyalty to be the most prized virtue in a person or you simply have to watch me slide by and slither into my own corner, never to come out again and maintain a facade for the sake of social grace and courtesy 

When I'm being excessively courteous, you should know that I'm being FAKE. When I never get angry or mad at you, you should know that I am being FAKE. 

If I got angry or mad or upset at you, it's an instant indicator that I was being real with you. Because my energy is herculean and it changes very rapidly and volcanically and immediately turns in the direction of scorn and anger and utter belligerence. When I'm calm I'm like a bedrock but the moment my emotional tectonic plates are being agitated by your stimulus, they begin to move in a colossal manner causing my emotions to exacerbate and the bedrock erupts and gives way to extreme bouts of volcanic anger and rage triggered by the demons of PTSD. It's like once that point is reached, I will go on a rampage. 

My ex boyfriend used to call me an elephant because I acted like one.. 

When I am cute and nice I'm trying my best to get along silently with you. But once I detect that something is amiss and fiddling with my loyalty centers, then bam, I don't forget that thing, just the way elephants always  remember all the bad things done to them, I remember all the things you do/did and then I come back for revenge. I initially forgive very easily. But once a threshold is reached, I become a different person altogether and I start my rampage. That's when you know that I am not taking it lying down.. 

On the surface I might appear as a fleeting flakey light hearted cheerful person but still waters run deep. There's absolutely nothing light hearted about me other than all my social tact and polished behavior. 

Deep inside I'm an inferno. When the switch is turned on its over. 

I have a very deep intuitive sense so even if you don't say much, I still understand and catch the drift. I immediately sense if someone is hateful to me, jealous of me or is being inherently malicious. 

My brain wasn't very developed as a child so the only way I learned to gauge people was to hone my inner intuition.. 

And  my intuition is so sharp, that it hits the target almost 90% of the time. 

So whether you are right or wrong, upfront or deceptive, I will have you figured either way, without saying much at all.. 

I might look like I'm simply quiet and down low but I'm very insidious. 

So if you fuck with my brains, you have basically turned on my volcano switch. 

The only non hurtful way to fuck my brains out is in the bed. In other areas, if you did fuck with my brain, the consequences are going to be ugly. 

In a way I'll always remember such things and the people who did those things 

I forgive but I don't forget. 

 

... 

 

One thing that I wanted to be clear about is that I'm not a generic woman. 

I'm not a generic woman at all. Not even by a long shot. 

If you thought I was a generic woman, you're mistaken by a million miles. 

In fact, if I were a generic woman, it would have absolutely benefitted my temperament by a great deal. Which it does not since I'm not generic. 

I am a very volatile and complicated person. I'm not passive aggressive or hot and cold. I'm just too deep and complex, multi-faceted dynamic and mercurial person.

My energy is not only herculean but also mercurial. I concatenate. I rapidly flow through, merge, spill over, cross underneath, wash over, jump through or cut my way through. I can be any person in the moment. This often gives the feeling to the observer that I'm deceptive, manipulative or 2 faced. It's not that. I'm just being very mutable since my main energy is water. 

I'm extremely unpredictable and yet predictable at the same time. Which means you're right about me 9 times out of 10, but you never know when the tenth time is going to show up in the line. 

I'm like a mirror. I will become according to your karma. If you have always been good to me, I will reflect it back to you. If you happen to rub me the wrong way, the mirror will show you how it was impacted by your actions. 

The best way to deal with an elephant personality like mine is to keep at a safe distance from me. If you get too close, I'll snare the way  elephants do by flanking out  their ears. But if you simply let me be and watch me from a distance, I'll give you one look to make sure and then walk away and go on about my work. 

.... 

Since I've been hurt in a sudden unforseen and drastic manner, I will let you have a way to deal with me. 

Simply keep some distance from me for some time. Can you? 

I might be ready to talk again and forgive forget and move on, but not right now or right away. I need time. 

I'm in a Salty state now. And I can't simply snap out of it. 

You need to be patient with me.

Give me time. I need time to reshuffle. 

I won't be angry at you for the long haul. 

I only need time to get things sorted out slowly and diligently. 

I don't hate you. I am just a bit wounded although I realize it wasn't intentioned that way. But it became like a decoy trap and I accidentally happened to walk straight into it and got trapped. 

So keeping a distance from me might make me feel safer and make me realize that you do sincerely respect my boundaries 

Thank you.

 

(I need space to gather myself) 

... 

I've been lucid dreaming lately and when I do that I usually imagine talking to a guy. Like an imaginary guy who is a friend of mine talking to me. I often see this guy in my dreams. He has lot of similarities to the man in the show or TV series called Dexter. So I've simply named this dream man Dexter. 

I usually wake up from the dreams realizing I had a long conversation with Dexter 

It's usually me giggling throughout the conversation. 

This has been going on for months now and I often see this guy in my dreams. It's kinda weird. 

Sometimes I even see a woman next to this man and I've decided to call her Candace. 

My dreams are usually very vivid almost like I can remember all the details of the conversations in the dreams. 

 

Edited June 15, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Good qualities and neutral qualities. 

 

I think that certain qualities are such that how wonderful they are depends on how they are implemented. 

 

For example intelligence. You can use intelligence to create something good or you can use intelligence to harm someone. I'll call this a neutral quality because it can be good or bad. 

 

Whereas wisdom is not like that. You cannot say using wisdom to harm someone. Wisdom itself guides you to the right path. It's inherently impinged with meaning and purpose. 

 

Courage is another example of a good quality. Courage is generally a good quality. 

 

Same goes for honesty. 

 

But kindness can be done in a good spirit yet have bad results. You could be a foolish empath. 

 

I'll call kindness a neutral quality 

 

In the same manner I'll call forgiveness a neutral quality.

... 

 

Two ways to beat the blues 

One way is to immerse yourself in art 

 

And the other is to immerse yourself in conversations

Immerse yourself in poetry and literature 

Immerse yourself in cooking. 

Absorbing information 

Work on yourself 

Immerse yourself in nature and visualizations

Be surrounded by good mindful people. 

Intellectual growth 

 

... 

The Crazy, the Creepy and the LonelyHearts 

The internet has gotten me upset and mad lately. I see this valid culture and there does not seem to be a vestige of hope or a remnant of old Decency in all of this horror. 

Is the internet a mirror to the world or is it simply a troll magnet? Hard to tell. 

But almost everytime I see a specific person narrating a story on the internet, I never ever see a real life match for such a story. These stories are very elaborate and so jumbled and novel-like, their fictional undertones are a dead giveaway of their falsehoods. It just cannot be true. 

For example, I see some men bragging online how they banged 100 girls or how they approach 500 girls and they did this or they did that. 

Tell me where do you find women who are simply ready for sex with a random dude? 

The last time I checked on a website, most women, even as young as 19 were really coy and reserved and spoke to only few men and rejected most and never allowed any creep on their page. They had men simping them really hard and it was entertaining for them yet they never said they had sex with anyone, not even with the best of the men who approached them. 

You see ton of hot girls. But are they all ready to get you laid? Of course not. Why would they? What would make you so special to get laid everyday with these women. 

It is simply unbelievable. After spending some time with some men, many of them privately confided in me that their stories were all made up and false.......... Like what???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? 

Yeah!! These stories were entirely made up. Only then they made sense. These men are so lonely that there is no other way to feel better about their lovely lives than to conjure up some ridiculous stories of how their  dating world collapsed, how some hot girl cheated on them or they were subjected to the worst miseries by women yada yada... It is all made up. Wouldn't they already have had a girlfriend if they were such hot dudes landing women everyday? Where's their girlfriend or girlfriends? The answer is they have none. It's all a dick measuring contest and chimpery that men exclusively love to engage in and flex about getting women. 

Even the apex predator at the top of the PUA food chain hardly ends up getting a date. I have rejected so many men. My friends who are girls have rejected so many men. I know that women reject a lot 

 

I have given  fake phone numbers to men. This is a thing that girls exclusively do to ward off potential creeps. Nothing wrong with this. 

I know from personal experience that most women are very guarded about their vagina and won't let anyone simply stick their dick into them. 

I'm guarded too, although I did give into many men over the past years yet I did it out of foolishness and not community service. 

So when I hear that a man landed many women, I'm like "who u kidding"... Which women, what women, woman? Last time I saw a woman, she was wearing a mask and she hurried home like there was a hurricane after her. Women simply vanish into thin air, and you got a woman in bed? Then why aren't you simply having sex with her rather than wasting your time on the internet. Because there is no bed and there is no woman. 

Men love to simply brag to each other about the number of women they scored, the so called lay count in sophisticated terminology, to one up each other. Women simply  cannot afford this because they will be labeled sluts. 

At a time and in an era of increased sexual violence, high divorce rates, low commitment from men, single motherhood, teenage pregnancy, toxic culture of pump and dump, how can women ever feel safe with dating and sleeping with random dudes? 

So it's kinda ridiculous to see men bragging about sleeping with hundreds of women, as though women are descending from the heavens and directly into beds wanting to have sex with all random dudes, ah, what a dream.... 

A cock dream. 

A vagina is precious. Only a woman knows its worth. You have no idea how much we women guilt each other for sleeping with the wrong dude. 

The internet can be a very shady place, a depraved place 

 

At one point I thought that the only shady place on the internet was Craiglist and the dark web. 

But the more I find my footprint on the internet the more I discover that it's a crazy creepy place and no place is truly safe..its full of crazy edgy people who are actually very shady and simply put on a facade of being nice, although their stories might be egregious, the fact that they hoard such thoughts is in itself disturbing enough. 

...... 

On psychedelic trips 

 

I have done psychedelics before. 

Drugs are bad, mmkay?

I did them more often when I was with Joseph. He was huge into psychedelics. He loves weed and loves smoking all sorts of nasty stuff and made me do it too. 

He wanted me to travel with him to a ranch where they had this psychedelic festival and lots of people were high. There was a shaman there. He acted like a babysitter to me and baby sat me throughout the trip. Basically they function as trip sitters 

I have tried Ayahuasca, magic mushrooms, changa and peyote and pedro. And weed. 

It makes you high. You begin to giggle. I saw people walking on fallen  branches. People laying under logs.. Laughing. Giggling. Or spreading their arms apart and simply walking like they are walking on water.. Some people needed help as they would get too irritable and unpleasant 

I experienced mild hallucinations. 

I would see fractals in the sky or air. Then the most noticeable thing on psychedelics were trees. Trees looked awesome. The foliage looked bright green and vivid. Even the veins on the leaves. The trees looked beautiful and appeared like they are breathing. Even the walls appeared to be breathing. 

For a moment there was a lapse in reality. That would create sudden excitement and fear at the same time.one needs to have someone around during such trips. It can get particularly scary. 

The auditory hallucinations like tinnitus also occurred in my case but didn't last long. Although I remember being frustrated by it 

It does make you feel like reality is simply an illusion and the mask of reality should fall off to know deeper truths. 

To be utterly frank, my most valuable insights almost never came from psychedelics. They always came from Eastern traditions of meditation and contemplation. A lot of psychedelics is just hogwash spiritually speaking. It doesn't really upgrade your spiritual database. You have to be a child to even think that psychedelics are going to be any kind of a  breakthrough, its like a child looking at Christmas presents, too curious for the experience, it's all in the moment, you feel rapturous for an instant and that's all, that's not spirituality, but for a child with no other means of self reflection, this experience might be a joyride into paradise, the experience itself might look like a consciousness experiment but that's it. Remember our brain also produces Dmt. This is no big deal.. This can easily be mistaken as a mystical experience. It actually is and more succinctly just your brain on drugs. But it looks like something mega in the moment. Those who didn't experience it, never mind, you might want to thank yourself sometimes for not allowing yourself to experience a little bit of misery. 

And the trip hardly ever lasts.. Once the drug is out of your system you are back to reality. 

You might crave for more or none depending on the trip experience.

I started a few journals on my psychedelic experiences, however I immediately closed all of them. The reason being that I didn't want to promote psychedelics to gullible youth. Some 16 year old might be lurking on this forum, might read my post and want to try it? Would I want something like that? Absolutely not. I don't wish to promote psychedelics. Try at your own risk. 

My final verdict is that it's not how it's touted to be. A lot of it is pure hype, a thing of the edgy generation these days. They love to boast about something, whether it be girls or drugs. The most beautiful things in life are created out of humility and hard work and not by popping blotters or pills. The egoic mind definitely loves such experiences that they can brag about later. 

However a true spiritual seeker is always working in silence. 

Rather than saying drugs are bad, mmkay?, I'd say drugs are fake, mmkay! Go for the real deal. Take your mattress and pillow and sit on it and meditate like the sages did for years. It doesn't cost a thing and is infinitely more rewarding. It's not about pleasure or paradise but more about seeking the truth. The grand masters of spirituality aren't wrong when they meditate in Caves. It's the most solid method of shutting down 98% of the world's bullshit and tuning into the universe. 

Hate as much as you want, but these mystics are unparalleled in their work.. Despising them is simply despising true wisdom of the ages. 

Like Michael Jackson said, truth never goes out of fashion. 

........ 

Sometimes you never know. 

This commentary style of writing is good. Indians are good at commentary 

This does help with processing the world better. 

But for me personally, I directly experienced things rather than commenting on things in life.. 

It takes a certain bit of courage to directly go for the jugular. 

To expose yourself to brutal experiences is both courageous and naive. 

But experience is truly the best teacher 

 

Without experience, you can write endlessly about something, and yet it can terribly lack the emotion that the experience tends to generate. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 15, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

In my lucid dreaming, I also saw a strange Animal character and it looked like a prehistoric bird. 

I'll call this bird Dyrynx. 

 

..... 

So I see three characters more frequently than others during lucid dreaming. 

They are a man, a woman and a prehistoric bird. 

The woman usually appears with the man. 

The man appears either solo or with the woman. 

The bird appears independent of both. 

.... 

It's like me in retaliation mode. Rampage mode. 

Because my body can only take so much.

I had made a thread a few days ago about how I was feeling Suicidal and Traumatized. 

I'm not some edgelord. They flock the internet and make fake stories of suffering and invoke great curiosity, yet their story falls apart when you realize their emotions are fake. Because they begin trolling right away, that's when you know they weren't serious about their ordeal. Just plain pretentious certified crazy creepy shady people in need of attention and finding someone to become the center of their hate and disgust. These are truly sociopathic elements 

Since I'm already going through a lot psychologically, any amount of stress or setback no matter how tiny is going to create more gashes in the existing unhealed wounds. 

That's what's happening right now. 

Instead of feeling supported during this time, a feeling I was beginning to barely trust and hang onto, I feel betrayed and defeated and kicked in the gut. 

Is this the real face of the Devil? 

Is this his hand? 

Is this how I come to closure? 

Maybe the Devil is desperate too to show its true colors so that I can grow up faster than I can imagine. 

The ultimate closure is - don't trust anyone and don't expect good anymore. 

When you stop expecting good things, things begin to stop hurting or bothering you. 

The reason why you expect good things is because you are deprived for so long that the only way your mind can survive is by hoping. 

If you weren't suffering or deprived, you wouldn't expect, if you didn't expect, you wouldn't be disappointed. A vicious cycle indeed. 

The mind trying to make sense of it all....

.....

When you use a quality in a good way or intent, then it's a tool that allows for good things to happen. It's a sickle used for harvest not a knife or a gun. 

But when the same quality or trait is used for destructive purposes, you're weaponizing it, simply put its a weapon now. 

Tools and weapons. Yes. 

Intelligence can be used as a tool or a weapon. 

.. 

So what are these good qualities?

Like honesty, freedom, truthfulness, peacefulness, wisdom etc 

I'll call them divinity qualities because they inherently have something that makes them impossible to corruption. They just cannot be weaponized, unlike intelligence or kindness. 

... 

Narcissists use guilty pleasure and sexual manipulation 

 

... 

A gate a fence and a door 

 

This is all you need

Protect your home and yard. 

The home represents your body and mind

 

The yard represents a space outside your body that needs to be conducive to growth. 

That's your house or outside space. 

 

In order to protect both yourself and your space, you need to start building protective structures to keep destructive things out.. 

You need a fence. A door to protect your home. And a gate to protect your yard and porch. 

These things keep destructive things out for good.. Never let back in. 

.... 

 

So I see three characters more frequently than others during lucid dreaming. 

And I've seen a reindeer as well, quite often.I'll call it Staghure

 

Dexter

. Candace 

Dyrynx 

Staghure

.. 

Dexter always has a calming effect on me 

 

Candace sometimes creates uneasiness 

 

 

 

Staghure brings a happy spirit 

 

 

Dyrynx is more of the preachy type.. But cheerful. 

 

 

Edited June 15, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Don't fight it. Just survive it 

.... 

 Only time will tell if you dodged a bullet or not. 

... 

He was acting like a church boy. But then the true colors showed and towards the end he turned out to be a fuck boy 

... 

New Beginnings. 

Slough the old skin

Be on your guard 

Don't be a drama magnet. 

... 

 

[Preety_India]

 

There are 2 three character sets. 

One is the Hero Villain Sheep set. 

And the other is the Punisher/Judge Innocent and Culprit set. 

In the latter, 

Either its the culprit that ends up plotting against Innocent playing the role of Judas and destroying the Innocent or its the Punisher who is biased against the Innocent or makes a fatal error in judgement. 

 

 

 

These character patterns as well as profile patterns are always repeating in this universe. 

It's almost like everything is already coded. 

... 

 

The only way to stay safe is to escape the Punisher and escape the Culprit. 

 

....... 

 

Consciously dislocate yourself from that specific negative energy. 

... 

Character list 

 

Hero 

Villain 

Culprit 

Punisher 

Owner /king 

Innocent 

Weakling/Sheep 

 

...... 

 

Hero

Villain 

Culprit 

Punisher 

Owner /king 

Innocent 

Weakling/Sheep

 

..... 

Have relationships with sweet and kind people. 

Don't look much at the person. Look at the interaction and the dynamic of this interaction. 

Follow the one strike rule. 

If anyone does you wrong even once, just delete them from your life with no further chances. Because more chances means more fuckery.. 

Keep your own energy sweet. 

Make others the center of your love. But only worthy people who pass this high bar test. Such high bar tests keep narcissists out. 

Look for those  who put you at the center of their love and happiness rather than negativity, confusion, contempt, hate or disgust 

Anyone who shows negativity in their private space with you, simply betray them and chuck them out. 

Stay away from toxic people 

If you keep your own energy sweet then you attract other sweet people. 

Don't be around people who whine about their ex girlfriend's.. 

 

 

 

...... 

 

Talking about spoons. Not plastic spoons because I ain't fake like plastic. 

I'm metal. So metal spoons. 

Guy, why are you giving her all this wrong advice. She was wrong in not understanding boundaries and having delusions and misinterpreting reality. 

You're telling her that people are bad if they don't wish to babysit her. 

That way she won't be able to self introspect. 

She might lose more friends. She gotta change to really have lasting bonds with people. 

Don't listen to him. He is F-king with your head girl. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

The problem with relationships (and I mean romantic relationships) begins when you find out that the other person is holding all the cards and playing all these cards meanwhile you're only supposed to sit and watch them do what they like. 

When you realize that the other person holds all the cards and they get to do what they want at your expense, you need to get out of such a relationship. 

That's not a good place to be in. 

 

..... 

No more dealing with drama 

No more dealing with bullshit 

No more dealing with pain

No more dealing with hurt 

... 

 

Instead of using the word pain, use the word information. 

I have dealt with and processed the information from the past 3 days really well. 

Time to jump to the next information 

... 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Lately I've been feeling so good. 

 

It's all getting better at last. 

 

I love this Christmas. It has brought me huge cheer after a long spell of depressed existence and loneliness. 

 

Andrew will spend the new year with me. 

 

Finally I can leave my ex behind and move on. 

 

Leaving past baggage has been very difficult for the most part but I'm making progress on that front. One day at a time. 

 

Just trying to be positive after all this fighting. 

 

I'm all about spreading good vibes. 

 

Anyone who knows me inside out knows that I like to make people happy. 

 

I like to be cheerful. 

 

 

..... 

 

[Preety_India]

 

The next year is going to be a great year for me, I can tell, Bon Voyage. Everything bad is sloughing away for good. My trauma from my ex is healing. He is gone for good. Got freed from him. This new friend is gone from life for good too. It was a headache anyway. All the toxic people in my life are finally leaving me and sloughing off.. I feel optimistic that I can finally bring peace to my wounds and have a great wonderful life ahead 

I'm victorious, although this victory has been long overdue. I'm filled with tears and gratitude for the universe. Finally the universe saw my slow throbbing pain and decided to set me free. 

How would you feel if you were kidnapped for a decade and finally set free and allowed to go home. How would you express your gratitude? That's how I feel. 

Andrew and I endured so much together. Now we can be together again after months of emotional torment from my ex. 

The clouds are moving closer. They're condensing and it will rain very soon, over a parched land of my heart that had been for liberation. 

Now I can leave all the people behind who had held my energy in a knot. 

I can simply be me at last. 

 

...... 

 

I need to close your chapter in my life for good and simply move on. 

The hurt that you gave me in all these years claiming that you loved me still persists and it gets difficult to get over the heartache and pain mainly because I was so emotionally invested in you. 

I'm not the person who simply has a fling with someone just to get a fix or a whiff. I was very much emotionally involved in this relationship from the get go, you know that right? 

I don't like games. It's not worth  a woman's time and all you do with women is gaming and breaking their hearts.. And now you are so surprised that I chose to pick myself up and move away. 

You never cared to sort issues between us 

 

Hindsight, I so wish I had moved on when the British woman hinted at me that I had to. When she told me you were using me. When you went to jail on assault charges I should have simply given up. But you kept bugging me and bitching about how I wasn't there for you meanwhile I had already made my plans to move on 

I so wish I had never come back but you were throwing such a massive bitch fit. 

And I came back only to see you humiliate me and cheat on me. Maybe you wanted to punish me for wanting to dump you. 

I feel insulted, humiliated, degraded, mocked, ridiculed by your actions after the time you returned from jail 

 

All your excuses, justifications, rationalizations, I swallowed them all. Only to be humiliated even more. 

But one day this throbbing will stop for good. The next year is a good year, I can tell and I honestly couldn't ask for more. 

The only comfort for me is knowing that in this pitiful relationship, I was the only real lover. 

Not you. 

..... 

 

Maybe I felt insulted and mistreated and that's why I'm moving away? 

Maybe I never learned how to command respect for myself in a relationship and maybe that was the real problem? 

It's not like a woman never goes through any form of emotional violence in her life yet at some point in women's lives, this whole notion of emotional violence becomes obsolete. 

If I had a daughter who acted like me, I'd have held her close and coddled her. 

I'd never let her feel abandoned or miserable or humiliated even in the slightest 

Those who truly love never hurt, even in jest. 

And this is no fantasy. If you want to show a decent amount of love, try loving someone more genuinely? 

 

.... 

You wished me Christmas on your social media page where you tagged me. Well happy Christmas. I'm not going to look into your time line to see what you're up to. Because I honestly need to avoid that intrusive temptation. 

You were always so unhappy with me and you would show it rather very openly. Or maybe it was just to put me down because whenever I asked you, you would give very contradictory answers. 

 I'm out for good.(finally) I can't deal with the torment anymore. You had no intention of hurting me, maybe or maybe not, but it ended up hurting me inadvertently anyway. And there's no point in rehashing it.

 

I only wanted to give you a closure on the whole Andy thing (I sometimes call Andrew Andy) and that I'm moving on with him peacefully and so you wouldn't feel like I snubbed you and the other part was this guilt I always felt for leaving you. But none of it matters anymore. I guess it's high time I close this chapter of my life for good and simply move on and find my light elsewhere. It's no point living in a headspace where you feel hurt about things that happened in the past. I'm a deeply emotionally vested person so yes things are always on the difficult side for me, but sooner or later I need to kick myself in the gut and just move on and not let those hurtful emotions fester too long.

It was long overdue anyway.

And I couldn't have chosen a better day than Christmas to end all hurtful chapters for good

... 

Do you sometimes feel like you have an enemy but it also feels like they're a friend. Has this happened to you where you feel like the person who you assumed to be an antagonist in your life actually gives you better advice than the person who has always known you?

I've felt this many times where I'd feel snubbed by someone and I'd return to my comfy hole where I'd feel really very happy with my friends and on the other hand I'd constantly still think about that person who snubbed me and wonder if what they said was true. 

Like for example, I'd refer to him as Mr Neel for simplicity and he came into my life last year. And he would caution me about my ex, telling me that he was being very abusive and a player and how I needed to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. And I would often wonder if it was just plain good advice or if he had ulterior motives because he had expressed this sentiment of wanting me to marry me, I mean he directly said that he wanted to marry me. And that really made me question his advice about Joseph. I thought he was an enemy of love. 

But in restrospect, maybe he meant everything for good. It's confusing when people say two things at a time, I mean how are supposed to put 2 and 2 together when someone says they want to marry you and at the same time say how your boyfriend is so awful and suggest you to leave him? 

 

[Preety_India]

 

The next year is going to be a great year for me, I can tell, Bon Voyage. Everything bad is sloughing away for good. My trauma from my ex is healing. He is gone for good. Got freed from him. This new friend is gone from life for good too. It was a headache anyway. All the toxic people in my life are finally leaving me and sloughing off.. I feel optimistic that I can finally bring peace to my wounds and have a great wonderful life ahead 

I'm victorious, although this victory has been long overdue. I'm filled with tears and gratitude for the universe. Finally the universe saw my slow throbbing pain and decided to set me free. 

How would you feel if you were kidnapped for a decade and finally set free and allowed to go home. How would you express your gratitude? That's how I feel. 

Andrew and I endured so much together. Now we can be together again after months of emotional torment from my ex. 

The clouds are moving closer. They're condensing and it will rain very soon, over a parched land of my heart that had been for liberation. 

Now I can leave all the people behind who had held my energy in a knot. 

I can simply be me at last. 

 

...... 

 

I need to close your chapter in my life for good and simply move on. 

The hurt that you gave me in all these years claiming that you loved me still persists and it gets difficult to get over the heartache and pain mainly because I was so emotionally invested in you. 

I'm not the person who simply has a fling with someone just to get a fix or a whiff. I was very much emotionally involved in this relationship from the get go, you know that right? 

I don't like games. It's not worth  a woman's time and all you do with women is gaming and breaking their hearts.. And now you are so surprised that I chose to pick myself up and move away. 

You never cared to sort issues between us 

 

Hindsight, I so wish I had moved on when the British woman hinted at me that I had to. When she told me you were using me. When you went to jail on assault charges I should have simply given up. But you kept bugging me and bitching about how I wasn't there for you meanwhile I had already made my plans to move on 

I so wish I had never come back but you were throwing such a massive bitch fit. 

And I came back only to see you humiliate me and cheat on me. Maybe you wanted to punish me for wanting to dump you. 

I feel insulted, humiliated, degraded, mocked, ridiculed by your actions after the time you returned from jail 

 

All your excuses, justifications, rationalizations, I swallowed them all. Only to be humiliated even more. 

But one day this throbbing will stop for good. The next year is a good year, I can tell and I honestly couldn't ask for more. 

The only comfort for me is knowing that in this pitiful relationship, I was the only real lover. 

Not you. 

..... 

 

Maybe I felt insulted and mistreated and that's why I'm moving away? 

Maybe I never learned how to command respect for myself in a relationship and maybe that was the real problem? 

It's not like a woman never goes through any form of emotional violence in her life yet at some point in women's lives, this whole notion of emotional violence becomes obsolete. 

If I had a daughter who acted like me, I'd have held her close and coddled her. 

I'd never let her feel abandoned or miserable or humiliated even in the slightest 

Those who truly love never hurt, even in jest. 

And this is no fantasy. If you want to show a decent amount of love, try loving someone more genuinely? 

 

.... 

You wished me Christmas on your social media page where you tagged me. Well happy Christmas. I'm not going to look into your time line to see what you're up to. Because I honestly need to avoid that intrusive temptation. 

You were always so unhappy with me and you would show it rather very openly. Or maybe it was just to put me down because whenever I asked you, you would give very contradictory answers. 

 I'm out for good.(finally) I can't deal with the torment anymore. You had no intention of hurting me, maybe or maybe not, but it ended up hurting me inadvertently anyway. And there's no point in rehashing it.

 

I only wanted to give you a closure on the whole Andy thing (I sometimes call Andrew Andy) and that I'm moving on with him peacefully and so you wouldn't feel like I snubbed you and the other part was this guilt I always felt for leaving you. But none of it matters anymore. I guess it's high time I close this chapter of my life for good and simply move on and find my light elsewhere. It's no point living in a headspace where you feel hurt about things that happened in the past. I'm a deeply emotionally vested person so yes things are always on the difficult side for me, but sooner or later I need to kick myself in the gut and just move on and not let those hurtful emotions fester too long.

It was long overdue anyway.

And I couldn't have chosen a better day than Christmas to end all hurtful chapters for good

... 

Do you sometimes feel like you have an enemy but it also feels like they're a friend. Has this happened to you where you feel like the person who you assumed to be an antagonist in your life actually gives you better advice than the person who has always known you?

I've felt this many times where I'd feel snubbed by someone and I'd return to my comfy hole where I'd feel really very happy with my friends and on the other hand I'd constantly still think about that person who snubbed me and wonder if what they said was true. 

Like for example, I'd refer to him as Mr Neel for simplicity and he came into my life last year. And he would caution me about my ex, telling me that he was being very abusive and a player and how I needed to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. And I would often wonder if it was just plain good advice or if he had ulterior motives because he had expressed this sentiment of wanting me to marry me, I mean he directly said that he wanted to marry me. And that really made me question his advice about Joseph. I thought he was an enemy of love. 

But in restrospect, maybe he meant everything for good. It's confusing when people say two things at a time, I mean how are supposed to put 2 and 2 together when someone says they want to marry you and at the same time say how your boyfriend is so awful and suggest you to leave him? 

 

[Preety_India]

 

The next year is going to be a great year for me, I can tell, Bon Voyage. Everything bad is sloughing away for good. My trauma from my ex is healing. He is gone for good. Got freed from him. This new friend is gone from life for good too. It was a headache anyway. All the toxic people in my life are finally leaving me and sloughing off.. I feel optimistic that I can finally bring peace to my wounds and have a great wonderful life ahead 

I'm victorious, although this victory has been long overdue. I'm filled with tears and gratitude for the universe. Finally the universe saw my slow throbbing pain and decided to set me free. 

How would you feel if you were kidnapped for a decade and finally set free and allowed to go home. How would you express your gratitude? That's how I feel. 

Andrew and I endured so much together. Now we can be together again after months of emotional torment from my ex. 

The clouds are moving closer. They're condensing and it will rain very soon, over a parched land of my heart that had been for liberation. 

Now I can leave all the people behind who had held my energy in a knot. 

I can simply be me at last. 

 

...... 

 

I need to close your chapter in my life for good and simply move on. 

The hurt that you gave me in all these years claiming that you loved me still persists and it gets difficult to get over the heartache and pain mainly because I was so emotionally invested in you. 

I'm not the person who simply has a fling with someone just to get a fix or a whiff. I was very much emotionally involved in this relationship from the get go, you know that right? 

I don't like games. It's not worth  a woman's time and all you do with women is gaming and breaking their hearts.. And now you are so surprised that I chose to pick myself up and move away. 

You never cared to sort issues between us 

 

Hindsight, I so wish I had moved on when the British woman hinted at me that I had to. When she told me you were using me. When you went to jail on assault charges I should have simply given up. But you kept bugging me and bitching about how I wasn't there for you meanwhile I had already made my plans to move on 

I so wish I had never come back but you were throwing such a massive bitch fit. 

And I came back only to see you humiliate me and cheat on me. Maybe you wanted to punish me for wanting to dump you. 

I feel insulted, humiliated, degraded, mocked, ridiculed by your actions after the time you returned from jail 

 

All your excuses, justifications, rationalizations, I swallowed them all. Only to be humiliated even more. 

But one day this throbbing will stop for good. The next year is a good year, I can tell and I honestly couldn't ask for more. 

The only comfort for me is knowing that in this pitiful relationship, I was the only real lover. 

Not you. 

..... 

 

Maybe I felt insulted and mistreated and that's why I'm moving away? 

Maybe I never learned how to command respect for myself in a relationship and maybe that was the real problem? 

It's not like a woman never goes through any form of emotional violence in her life yet at some point in women's lives, this whole notion of emotional violence becomes obsolete. 

If I had a daughter who acted like me, I'd have held her close and coddled her. 

I'd never let her feel abandoned or miserable or humiliated even in the slightest 

Those who truly love never hurt, even in jest. 

And this is no fantasy. If you want to show a decent amount of love, try loving someone more genuinely? 

 

.... 

You wished me Christmas on your social media page where you tagged me. Well happy Christmas. I'm not going to look into your time line to see what you're up to. Because I honestly need to avoid that intrusive temptation. 

You were always so unhappy with me and you would show it rather very openly. Or maybe it was just to put me down because whenever I asked you, you would give very contradictory answers. 

 I'm out for good.(finally) I can't deal with the torment anymore. You had no intention of hurting me, maybe or maybe not, but it ended up hurting me inadvertently anyway. And there's no point in rehashing it.

 

I only wanted to give you a closure on the whole Andy thing (I sometimes call Andrew Andy) and that I'm moving on with him peacefully and so you wouldn't feel like I snubbed you and the other part was this guilt I always felt for leaving you. But none of it matters anymore. I guess it's high time I close this chapter of my life for good and simply move on and find my light elsewhere. It's no point living in a headspace where you feel hurt about things that happened in the past. I'm a deeply emotionally vested person so yes things are always on the difficult side for me, but sooner or later I need to kick myself in the gut and just move on and not let those hurtful emotions fester too long.

It was long overdue anyway.

And I couldn't have chosen a better day than Christmas to end all hurtful chapters for good

... 

Do you sometimes feel like you have an enemy but it also feels like they're a friend. Has this happened to you where you feel like the person who you assumed to be an antagonist in your life actually gives you better advice than the person who has always known you?

I've felt this many times where I'd feel snubbed by someone and I'd return to my comfy hole where I'd feel really very happy with my friends and on the other hand I'd constantly still think about that person who snubbed me and wonder if what they said was true. 

Like for example, I'd refer to him as Mr Neel for simplicity and he came into my life last year. And he would caution me about my ex, telling me that he was being very abusive and a player and how I needed to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. And I would often wonder if it was just plain good advice or if he had ulterior motives because he had expressed this sentiment of wanting me to marry me, I mean he directly said that he wanted to marry me. And that really made me question his advice about Joseph. I thought he was an enemy of love. 

But in restrospect, maybe he meant everything for good. It's confusing when people say two things at a time, I mean how are supposed to put 2 and 2 together when someone says they want to marry you and at the same time say how your boyfriend is so awful and suggest you to leave him? 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Thinking about my first ex who I met like 6 years ago. 

And he was such a closed off person. The only thing that he ever wanted to discuss was sex. I'd would always wonder why he would only call me when he needed something sexual. This was my very first real boyfriend and my very first sexual experience and it was nice to be sexual in the beginning but it quickly got mundane and boring and it felt like I was just with a fuckboy who didn't give a damn about my feelings, and only wanted me for my body. 

I remember times when I would protest to him about why we weren't going out for dinners, why we weren't holding hands on a beach, why none of that existed in our romance and the only thing that existed was the bedroom and sex and sexual talk and nothing much else. 

It reaches a point where you begin to feel a little deprived emotionally, your emotional side is kinda empty and hungry and craving and your emotions are all bottled up and there is this sense of loneliness and emptiness (the kind of loneliness you feel when you are at a party surrounded by people but you still feel empty inside ) and you feel like you just don't exist in a relationship, it feels so drab and dull and empty, no emotional joy and this feeling like you have been put on the market as a sexual toy and somebody has simply bought you and your emotions will never really matter. 

It exactly felt like that. 

After I dumped my first ex and I was done with him for good, I made a promise to myself that I was never going to ever be with a man who only spoke about sex

Nah, I'm not that type. I need a lot of loving and sharing in a relationship. I don't want an emotional dry spell. 

 

...... 

 

In hindsight, I think the best way to gauge these men was to look for signs of lack of commitment, lack of loyalty, lack of emotions and this need for money and sex. I guess for a lot of these men three things are very important - money, sex and video-games. Msv. It's the dopamine circuit in each of these which is the common denominator. I wish I had better screening. It's important to look out for signs where you feel the man values sex more than emotion and relationship building or value creation. He is more invested in having money and f-king as many girls as he can in his lifetime. Being with such a man is never emotionally satisfying, of course because he is only looking for his own gratification and never cares about building a lasting relationship with your soul, just using you as long as you allow him to. The man who values you for you and wants a lifelong relationship with you because he wants you more than anything, because he values this companionship (am I dealing with a cold hearted fuck boy asshole here, is what you need to ask) with you, he values your trust in him, his energy is not about self serving at your detriment but about guiding and encouraging and building trust to create a long lasting romance and relationship that lasts a lifetime because that's what true love is and if you are a female looking for true love then that's the man you need to seek who understands your needs for a caring loving partner (and not simply simping you) and understands how you want the relationship to be and is not self absorbed (sob) enough to only keep inserting himself and his needs everywhere in the relationship. Of course there are red flags that will reflect this money sex attitude of his if you care to scratch the surface and get a good look at what lies beneath in his soul and mind. 

.... 

You don't get the right to choose how a woman reacts when you are the one hurting her the way you do. 

You can't convince someone to put up with something that you do that is absolutely terrible, that's a huge sense of entitlement you're carrying. 

I don't want to deal with it anymore. Is it my responsibility? 

Why can't you stop ridiculing me and just move on? Because you want to feel guilty? 

If you don't know how someone feels inside maybe try to understand or simply leave them alone than trying to mock or discredit their feelings, doesn't help them that you think too little of them to begin with. 

Does it always have to be how you want? Even how someone feels? 

Can you check your privilege please? 

 

... 

When he tagged me in the Christmas New Year message, I finally let him know through my social media message that I have nothing to do with him and announced it publicly. 

Honestly I was very scared because I've never done something like this before. 

I feel more confident now in telling people if I'm feeling wronged or bad. 

Christmas is the best way to end old and rotten things and begin new things. 

Sometimes I feel very insecure. I don't know where my journey takes me from here 

I breakdown just thinking how its going to be for me. Andrew is still working in the other city and won't be able to come for another 6 months. This is his new job and I shouldn't force him to make sacrifices yet. 

For now I'm alone, all alone. I wish I had caring people around me. 

... 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I think there is a certain amount of peace in being with yourself and creating your own world. 

 

I've never seriously done this before. I have always been around someone in some way. I've never taken a break from relationships, I was the type who could easily fall in love. 

 

But with this Solitude there is peace. 

... 

 

It's all Christmasy

... 

 

Narcissistic abuse is very deep. 

It completely destroyed my life. It made me suicidal over the whole last decade. 

... 

When the soul cries, God listens. 

... 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I need to do a regular temperature check on myself from today because I've been feeling sick. 

Next I want to do a Daily activity and Daily alertness test.. 

 

So three tests 

Daily Awareness test 

Daily Alertness test 

Daily Temperature test 

Daily Emotional Test (since I feel suicidal almost every 3rd day of the week) 

Daily Activity Test 

Daily Productivity Test 

 

 

........ 

This weird jealousy feeling I'm nursing. 

I'm a bit possessive with friendships and relationships. 

So if they give attention to others and not me, I get fighting mad

 

............. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Hmm. You should never fall in love with the "now or never" mentality, that's the single greatest disaster in life. That particular mentality. 

 

 

 

Everything that happens in life should fall into a beautiful patten and in alignment with your true values 

 

 

 

The whole now or never mentality stems from what I call consumption culture or modern culture. This culture makes you feel like you losing if you're missing out 

 

 

 

Life has to be natural and lived naturally. 

 

 

 

There should never be a compulsion to do or try something because every compulsion comes from egoic needs. 

 

 

 

Deep down it comes from Insecurity, planted by society and this feeling that if you don't you missed out on some imaginary jackpot. 

 

 

 

Reality is harsh and brutal as it is 

 

 

 

You should never fall in love because you never fall in love before. That does look like a great reason for the ego to feel better but it's a poor excuse to the real self. 

 

 

 

This ego is like a false mirror that shows you things that are unimportant. 

 

 

 

Do you want a mirror that only shows the window of your house or do you want a mirror that shows your entire room? 

 

 

 

Your ego takes you away from the real self and it's needs and implants in your psyche false needs that are more relevant socially and is a part of social games. 

 

 

 

This now or never mentality is a part of such social cliché where you're only important if you do it right. 

 

 

 

Such an attitude is bound to get you into a bad relationship just out of desperation or bad reasoning, you end up setting yourself for failure vec you're looking at it in a very superficial way to meet your needs and in the process of doing so completely ignoring your inner needs. 

 

 

 

Instead think that you want a good relationship and think that it will come on its own time. A good relationship is worth the wait. 

 

 

 

What you need is not a relationship per se because then it becomes only a word without real meaning to it. Instead think of the meaning. You want a bond, a companionship, a feeling, an experience to behold, a mutual journey of trust, a peaceful haven, a feeling of comfort and a belongingness. 

 

 

 

This is not the same as wanting a relationship. It's more about wanting something more genuine and aligned to who you are. 

 

 

 

The right mindset here is to think that it doesn't matter whether you got a real boyfriend or not... But what matters is the quality of such a relationship. Allowing yourself to freely enter a relationship where you don't have doubts but feeling more secure. 

 

 

 

You might want to ask this important question to yourself "why I'm saying to myself that this can be risky?" 

 

 

 

If you think that you're taking some sort of risk then it's already a bad sign that there is a little trust and you're trying to manage this trust or risk level. 

 

 

 

Now if I brought God in front of you and knowing that God loves you, will you ask yourself the same question, will you ask yourself whether you're taking a risk? Because you already know there is no risk with God, since you completely trust God, such questions don't even come to your mind.. That's how a relationship should look like. 

 

 

 

You should automatically feel like you can trust the person so much that you don't see any problem with falling in love 

 

 

 

If you don't feel there is any reason to automatically feel emotionally safe and you're doubting and questioning yourself and a bit confused, you've already creating the stage of failure. 

 

 

 

True loving relationships don't create mental doubts because they are so genuine and beautiful and innocent. You simply give in to such relationships. 

 

 

 

Either be in a relationship where you know that the other person is a 100% trustworthy or simply don't bother to get into relationships. 

 

It becomes a heart break cycle when you are confused at the first step. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Almost every element of your life needs to be aligned to who you are. 

..... 

Anyways: I think the most important takeaway of this is: don't bother with a man who isn't that hot about you, if you can help it. Who makes you feel like he's compromising being with you. Waste of goddamned time, if I'm not your “type”, go find your type, ok bye. Don't have time for that sort of shit.)

This is how my ex used to make me feel in the relationship I had with me last year and it was so annoying and frustrating to deal with. He used to bully me a lot on my weight though my weight issues were entirely because of the stress he was giving me, before meeting him I had never experienced weight issues at all. He would just dump all his problems on me to get them sorted out for him and that began to really impact my weight. 

It's toxic you know. I learned a lot from it all. I needed more empowering, encouraging, and accommodating people in my life. 

These days I just tell myself sentences like "I don't want to be in a negative space," "I don't want to be in an angry space".... you know. 

And having been through all that in the relationship with my ex, I've become so enormously conscious of even little things that might create some cognitive dissonance in my mind or push me into that same negative/helpless/hurt/angry space that I just shut anything out of my way that seems even remotely creating just that. 

Also my expression and articulation of my thoughts and feelings is so poor that it takes me a long time just to be able to process whatever I feel emotionally and find some closure for it. 

It takes an awful amount of time for me to open up to someone in a deep emotional way and yet it inadvertently causes people to automatically assume that I'm kinda standoffish or closed off, which is really not the case, I just need a trustworthy outlet where I open up more freely like I did here. 

Sometimes it takes upto months for me to realize what I'm really feeling inside and then express it in an understandable manner. 

Maybe it's me not being cognizant enough of what's going through my own headspace and heartspace.

But I'm getting there. At least I am improving is what I believe. 

 There are some aspects to my first ex which I can relate to somewhat, but it was perhaps more subtle. He would slide it in there, these comparisons to other women (although possibly I was somewhat more sensitive in there as I was in my mid teens). Like I remembered once he compared me to his first ex, who was probably like 90 pounds, and I was like, sorry I can't be that way (but not sorry too). But it still made me feel gross for a while. And it wasn't a turn on, personally it didn't make me want to try harder or to keep being intimate with him ... And then after him, I made a point of not dating someone who wasn't fully into me that I was also attracted to. It's just a waste of everyone's time overall. Hilariously, after I had broken up with him, the next girl he dated was significantly larger than me, and I was like... why? If you're not attracted to that? And then he would message me in the next year or two while he was still butthurt about it to tell me what awesome sex he was having with his new girlfriend. Which I did not care about at all, I did dump him after all. And then I realized that whether he was that conscious of his behaviour or not, he was probably doing the same thing with that woman, but probably way worse, because I have a pretty thick skin (his comments didn't keep me up at night).

 

I suspect a lot of guys are like that. It's a way of maintaining power in a relationship. It may not even actually be about your weight. Like if it wasn't your weight to criticize, it'll be your hair, or some habit of yours that he finds annoying, or some aspect of your personality.  

 

Like with my ex, I observed him with female relatives a bit, and around other women, and then realize that he's used to be enabled by other women (and coddled my from perspective). I needed a good combination of good listening skills, empathy, and hard boundaries and bluntness to deal with him, and honestly he wasn't worth it. Still, there were good things about him though, definitely. I'm probably the only ex of his that he has a functional relationship with, heh. He also did the emotional dumping thing, which factored into me actually being around him less and less. (That's an example of my avoidant personality tendencies kicking in.) Like overall if you feel drained being in the presence of that person, the balance of energy isn't very even probably. Ideally you should both feel energized in each others' presence or at least more neutral, heh.

 

Honestly, with some guys, if you don't put them in their place and have very strong boundaries, they won't respect you, they will walk all over you. Even with people who are good people to be around overall, there are small creeping details and unconsciousness that tend to build up over time and become problems. They have to have the character traits or tendency or desire to change, and they have to seriously prioritize or value you; if it's not there in the first place, it's hard to do much with them.

 

 

 

When I was a bit younger, maybe within the last 5-8 years, I used to have a private daily journalling where I would write about my thoughts and feelings for the day, but also WHY I felt the way I did. Because it wasn't obvious to me at first. I would have to think about it and sometimes I wouldn't know why I felt a certain way, or why I did a certain thing. Sometimes I would do this a couple times a day, and although I found that at many times it made me feel more negative just by focusing on certain emotions and thoughts a bit longer (which I definitely didn't necessarily enjoy), overall it was helpful because I started to understand myself better and also feel emotions and thoughts more fully at least day by day, and so I was less prone to emotional outburst, which I generally kept bottled up. But also I was less emotionally disconnected which was really important. It was like having a safe space to be negative and to think and say and feel whatever I wanted without worrying about anyone's judgement, so at the time my journaling practice was private and I definitely couldn't have handled talking about my feelings, thoughts, and vulnerabilities the way that I have here at times, where I am always very conscious of public judgment and how I'm probably being perceived, especially when I first started. I grew up in a very emotionally detached and cold household where nobody ever talked about their feelings except my brother and my mother who were prone to intense bursts of rage, mostly at each other. Just generally, it can be helpful to take the time to check in with yourself about how you're truly feeling, to build that relationship with yourself.

 

[Preety_India]

 

Happy New Year to You, Chris and Zack.

Anyway you be happy, I'm out for good.(finally) I can't deal with the torment anymore. You had no intention of hurting me, maybe or maybe not, but it ended up hurting me inadvertently anyway. And there's no point in rehashing it.

I only wanted to give you a closure on the whole Andy thing so you wouldn't feel like I snubbed you and the other part was this guilt I always felt for leaving you. But none of it matters anymore. I guess it's high time I close this chapter of my life for good and simply move on and find my light elsewhere. It's no point living in a headspace where you feel hurt about things that happened in the past. I'm deeply emotionally vested person so yes things are always on the difficult side for me, but sooner or later I need to kick myself in the gut and just move on and not let those hurtful emotions fester too long.

And I couldn't have chosen a better day than Christmas to end all hurtful chapters for good.

Because you considered me infand never really loved me

That was the truth all along

But I'm good to go. I'm a good person, a wonderful person and I will create my future and I'll be in a better place and I won't let this horrible relationship that I had with you to impact me in any way in my growth.

In the end, I wasn't the one to hurt d you. So that's a satisfaction in of itself.

 

This is my last message and I'm out. Don't ever come finding me. I'm terribly hurt by this whole experience and I didn't deserve it at all. I'm not an object. I have a beating heart just like others. I wish you well but I'm finally out after a lot of emotional processing. This is my final moment. Don't ask why I won't come back. I don't think I should, I've shown enough generosity but I have self respect too, and if I am hurt so bad, I deserve to lick my wounds in silence and walk away for good. It's best for me in the end. You did what you wanted to. Now it's my turn to do what I need to. Goodbye Joseph.

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I have a lot of hate for you. You're a pig who hurt me. 

 

Emotional abuse is not okay. 

 

What you did was horrible and I hope you pay the price for it. 

 

I hope you are never happy in life.

 

There is hate and rage going through my veins. Because you hurt me. You were a bastard.. It will take me years to recover from the emotional trauma you gave me.. 

 

I hope you never have sex again and never find a woman again and no woman ever falls in your vicious trap again. 

 

You abused your first girlfriend and she was traumatized. Crystal never wanted to talk to you again. 

 

Screw you. 

 

Then came Rebecca. You abused her as well. She left you to escape your mental abuse. 

 

She purposely called the cops on you. You deserved going to jail for all your abusive behavior. 

 

But you made it look like it was a false arrest because you can't accept shit. You coward 

 

Then you found me. I was emotionally vulnerable and you preyed on me you sick piece of trash. 

 

You told me all lies from day 1. 

 

Then acted like it didn't matter. 

 

Then I left you with horrible scars on me. 

 

You need to go to jail again. 

 

Because you will keep hurting women one after another. 

 

I hope and pray that God does justice and gives you a big slap of reality. 

 

You need to wake the F up and stop treating women like objects you can use and abuse. 

 

God will see you. It won't go anywhere. 

 

All the hurt and pain I'm feeling, this won't go in vain. 

 

You're a monster.. Thinking about you reminds me of Chris Watts and how he abused his wife. 

 

I hope nothing ever works out for you.