Feeling Depressed Due To High Expectations

[nolenjoney]

Hi everyone, my name is Jon. My story is very simple. Since I was very young, my parents always had huge expectations for me. They both had a lot of success in their areas of expertise and I always looked up to them. Right now, I'm in the first year of university, studying computer science and I don't know how to deal with this pressure. Every time I get a bad mark, I have a breakdown and I feel so down and depressed because I really try hard. The worst thing is knowing that a bad mark is the best I could've done. I'm a perfeccionist, just like my parents and I always aim to do really well. But after I get a bad mark,  I always tell myself that I will do better next time and I am always determined to improve. However, this is really affecting me negatively and I don't know how long can I keep this attitude, it is just draining me emotionally. I also get really devastated when others have better grades than me when I know they don't try as hard. Do you guys have any advice on how to deal with this? This is really getting the best out of me...

[Pramit]

Perfection is a trap. But your problem is not just perfection. Your competitive spirit is acting in the wrong way. You need to compete with yourself, not those people you barely know anything about(but you assume you know how much they worked). And don't think the system is 100% perfect that it will judge you in the way you want to be judged. That is not going to happen, and this is going to be a recurring theme in your life. You need to let go of expectation from your parents, and realize what YOU want to do with your life. High grades in university is a short term goal. What will those high grades lead you to? Why pursue those grades? You must pursue excellence, not success. If you do this, if you let go of what others expect from you, then you will fall into short term depression which can be really bad and your ego will freak out at this. But its a step in the right direction.

Also, do you meditate? If not, make it a habit to do so.  

[Extreme Z7]

@nolenjoney What do you actually authentically want in life? If your current prime directive in life is giving you a lot of anxiety rather than intrinsic motivation then its probably not authentic. Your doing things to "not lose" rather than to "win".

[Gabriel Antonio]

You are really stuck, aren't you?

[David1]

Hi Jon, some quick advice...change your self image.

15 hours ago, nolenjoney said:

I don't know how to deal with this pressure

Ofc you do. You put pressure on yourself. You study for yourself, not to satisfy your parents. Take responsability for your own life

15 hours ago, nolenjoney said:

Every time I get a bad mark, I have a breakdown and I feel so down and depressed

Bullshit. Bad marks motivate you and show you what erea you need improvement in. Don't blame the bad mark for your reaction to it. Simply change your reaction.

15 hours ago, nolenjoney said:

However, this is really affecting me negatively and I don't know how long can I keep this attitude, it is just draining me emotionally. I also get really devastated when others have better grades than me

Another set of limiting beliefs that you can change around. And don't compare yourself with others

Dig around in this subject some more.

Edited November 12, 2016 by David1

[nolenjoney]

34 minutes ago, Pramit said:

Perfection is a trap. But your problem is not just perfection. Your competitive spirit is acting in the wrong way. You need to compete with yourself, not those people you barely know anything about(but you assume you know how much they worked). And don't think the system is 100% perfect that it will judge you in the way you want to be judged. That is not going to happen, and this is going to be a recurring theme in your life. You need to let go of expectation from your parents, and realize what YOU want to do with your life. High grades in university is a short term goal. What will those high grades lead you to? Why pursue those grades? You must pursue excellence, not success. If you do this, if you let go of what others expect from you, then you will fall into short term depression which can be really bad and your ego will freak out at this. But its a step in the right direction.

Also, do you meditate? If not, make it a habit to do so.  

My father tells me that this are of expertise will grant me safe job, safe money. He also says that my passion will change as I grow up, his whole shpeel is basically that he knows what he is saying because he has a lot of life experience, I cant even argue. I've been trying to let go of what others think but its really hard, at this point it doesnt seem something I can control. I dont meditate but I was intrigued by Leo videos on meditation, will check it out.

[nolenjoney]

Just now, Extreme Z7 said:

@nolenjoney What do you actually authentically want in life? If your current prime directive in life is giving you a lot of anxiety rather than intrinsic motivation then its probably not authentic. Your doing things to "not lose" rather than to "win".

I always wanted to pursue neuroscience, the medical field but my father thinks I can later devote myself to it, even academically but cs is more safe, basically. The only problem being that it really bothers me to study something that I don't enjoy, a lot of math and my marks fall short also because of that.

[nolenjoney]

Just now, Gabriel Antonio said:

You are really stuck, aren't you?

Well, yeah. Trying do to my best to solve this situation, sometimes it seems stronger than me...

[nolenjoney]

Just now, David1 said:

Hi Jon, some quick advice...change your self image.

Ofc you do. You put pressure on yourself. You study for yourself, not to satisfy your parents. Take responsability for your own life

Bullshit. Bad marks motivate you and show you what erea you need improvement in. Don't blame the bad mark for your reaction to it. Simply change your reaction.

Another set of limiting beliefs that you can change around. And don't compare yourself with others

Dig around in this subject some more.

That is helpful david, thank you. I dont think I ever saw this video before, will check it.