Is Magic Real, After All?

[Anicko]

Okay. I love to write. I love to talk. And talk. And TALK. There has always been a part of me that can never know enough about anything, or anyone. And I love to share. And I truly want each and every person alive ever to live life with pure joy. 

I believe Leo said in a video that if you say you love to use your mind to learn, you are a fucking idiot (totally paraphrased!). And it is something someone said that while at the time I dismissed it, but later on I find it the topic of conversation in my head. And I really thought (and felt) my way into it. 

I've come up with this : I love to use my mind to memorize information, serious and trivial. I am (trying not to be such) a perfectionist. So I love knowing the answer to any question. I love being able to recall information that helps someone. I love remembering something funny or interesting for a friend who enjoys the story. It makes me excited/proud/embarrassed when I ace nearly any test I ever take. 

One of the unconscious pressures I put on myself was the belief that I needed to be perfect so I could get validation from everyone else. And that belief shut me down for most of my life. That belief impacts the people in my life in ways that don't make any sense to me unless magic is a real thing. 

I don't mean magic in any conventional sense. More like TV "magic". It's like I'm on a stage sometimes. I can actually see that I'm in a movie and everyone around me is acting, reading the script. And it's insane! Bizarre! And then things go back to normal for a while. And then I catch another glimpse. 

Have you ever experienced de-realization, in the "mental illness" (for lack of a better description) sense? I've had panic attacks, for example, where suddenly the world around me looks and seems weird, fake...  Usually that ended with nearly or actually passing out. Yeah, you know. 

The thing I keep experiencing now is not like that. So I don't think I'm crazy. There actually seems to be something different underneath the normal layer of life I've always had until recently. 

This is perhaps the story of how it changes me forever. 

×Cue dramatic music×

P. S. It's almost my birthday. Last year I made a major life change decision right around this time. I think it should become a yearly tradition until such a time I am so free and happy that there is nothing else  to change. 

... A girl can dream, right? 

[Baby]

Yes, a girl can dream .... Now go and make some magic... Make it happen.

[Anicko]

Okies. I'm trying to keep a short list of topics to bring up in my entries here. I seriously try to stick to one thing at a time, because I sometimes get so far from my original idea that I miss out on tons of things I meant to say. Ugh. I'm a mess sometimes. 

And that is just part of why I'm working to develop my patience. 

I discovered that deep down inside, I've always felt misunderstood. It seems like anything I say or do gets taken so far out of context that I'm left feeling like the asshole of the year. It leads to feeling like everyone is always mad at 'me' for something. It lead to feeling like I can't actually do anything right. It leads to being anxious and feeling stuck in life. It leads to not knowing what you like, what you want, who you think you are. You don't want to offend anyone, and your own feelings are so easily hurt that you are scared around new people (and sometimes friends and family!), you feel like the world could end at any moment (and part of you can't wait for it happen) in myriad ways. You are depressed and occasionally suicidal for real, and you have no idea what to do next. 

I can't help but wonder if this is a super-widely-held belief, and it's at the core of this "totally p.c." culture disease we are suffering through. But I digress. 

As a direct result of my belief, and others, I became a co-dependant people-pleaser, who for the life of her can't figure out who the heck she is or why life was so awful. And she has children who deserve better. 

So that is the main goal for me at the time is. Chip away at the side-beliefs that help hold the big one in place until it's gone. Because, the thing is, I have so many more to work on. Some things are easy. I'm in school right now and I'm so much less anxious now than I was a year ago. I still have lots of times it's there, and a fraction of those thoughts win out. I still have doubts about my decision in general to work out. 

But darn it, I'm doing me best to be as positive as feels natural. If I push into feeling forced to be positive I drop it, but too when the negative thoughts feel clearly ridiculous, I drop those too. 

I'm definitely not happy yet. But I'm no longer totally hopeless either. Sometimes those thoughts come in, and even writing it seemed overly dramatic, I swear. 

Sometimes I think I might be crazy. That 'Truman Show' feeling is way bizarre. But, dude. Life is better. I feel freer. Is it really possible to get to totally free to be yourself? Because, shit. When I get to tell that girl to shut her stupid mouth because she's an idiot when it's 100% the reality, and I don't have to feel bad because I'm not an asshole and I can't possibly be misunderstood and I just don't care what other people think... Okay, again, an extreme-case scenario (I've never had the guts to actually do that). 

If I am more patient, not only am I less angry and annoyed, sad, excited, any emotion really, but I'm also freer to watch my mind and the world around me. It's easier to catch lies, ones I tell myself, and ones from other people. 

Maybe you get what I mean. Maybe I'll be misunderstood. Whatever. I've got laundry to do. Peace out.  

Edited February 11, 2016 by Anicko

[Anicko]

I had a few ideas for what I wanted to write about this morning. I have three blocks of three hours per week where I am 100% alone in my home. That's assuming no one is sick, or for one reason or another there's no school for one (or all) kids. 

I treasure it! 

But it will likely play a key role in how frequently I write. I'm pretty inconsistent in real-life journaling. 

Anyways. I decided I would explain a bit about why I focus so much on beliefs and not just thoughts in general. I am really starting to feel like our thoughts really do make our reality. In what ways it's so hard to explain in words, and often seems a little... Crazy? No one wants to think they might be balls-to-the-wall batshit insane. 

But I swear to you, when I took all the positive affirmations and look-on-the-bright-side baloney, and started asking myself why I thought I needed to force myself to see the good instead of/in place of/without the bad. That was pretty insightful. I never completely was aware that I constantly felt judged, for a million stupid reasons. I never really let go of some huge things in my past, but I thought I had forgiven and forgotten! I was lying to myself about practically everything because I wasn't noticing those thoughts in the background. 

To get rid of those thoughts for real, you have to get rid of the beliefs you are hiding that are causing them. 

Sometimes it's as simple as realizing something obviously stupid as your mother telling you never trust someone wearing red. Pretty easy to laugh that away. "Oh, weird, that's why I didn't like that guy today. I was making a really stupid judgment without even reading it. '. Dig deeper than that, and you might find beliefs hidden about not trusting someone with any sort of feature, skin color, disposition, and you discover all sorts of thoughts that were impacting you constantly and you never knew!! 

This goes so ridiculously deep and primetime-dramaish, I can't help but wonder. And try. 

I'm not living a life right now so radically different than yesterday, or the day or week or year before, that it's obvious to anyone that I know anything. But I see, feel, think differently enough, and am experiencing enough positive change, that I'll keep working on it. 

Sometimes I can feel that 'ego' character creeping in, I mean like literally *feel* it, to try and put that stupid stuff back in my mind. Sometimes I can laugh it away! Every now and then, I fall into the trap of anxiety or defeat. But I am learning to be more patient. 

I definitely believe 'I am not a patient person'. It'll be so helpful when it's gone. 

Thanks for reading! 

[Anicko]

Opinions are like assholes, right? 

I've been working hard at trying to let go of judgments and opinions. It's funny how PISSED OFF people can get when you won't take a side. I don't have to say anything except 'I don't really care' to have someone go all up in defensive arms. What the hell are they trying to defend? I'm not going to argue the points. I'm bored and trying not to get annoyed. Let it go, man! Definitely a time to practice the mirror thing, definitely a time to develop patience, as well as letting go of guilty feelings and worry about whether they are going to be mad at me... There's a ton of opportunity in being very aware in your decision to stay open minded and not take a side. 

People even go nuts when you don't take a side on the best way to do the dishes. Try it, sometimes in the craziness you realize something really deep about yourself. Just be careful not to go all judgmental on the other person. Especially if you like them. 

Edited February 13, 2016 by Anicko

[Anicko]

I'd like to attribute the many changes in my life to all of the inner work I've been trying to do. I've got an incredibly long way to go, but things are much better in many ways. It's funny how the old voice creeps in and tries to pull its tricks. And it's funny to talk back to it. Funny as in almost scary. Weird. 

I went through an intense period of reading. It's really slowed down and gotten more focused as I found what I think I was looking for. For the time being, at least. 

It's a strange experience to battle your self, fully aware while doing so. It's hard to find the information from other people; it's a hard thing to put into words, but we all seek some sort of answer for everything. Accepting that true state of not knowing is a hard thing! But when you do, things start to change for you, subtly at first. I realize how dreary and jaded I was! 

I think I'll keep on keepin' on. All paths lead to death in the same physical manner. What do I want to have behind me when I get there? 

[Anicko]

My brain is swirling this morning. It's been a crazy week. I've been feeling way exhausted, and those false self (ego) lies are a little tempting. 

Eventually I want to talk about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Next to love and beliefs, I think respect is one of the most misunderstood things on the planet. But thinking about it, it really got me thinking about other things. 

People are so deeply ingrained with beliefs and unawareness that they just don't know what they are talking about most of the time. 

It's a really isolating thing to realize. You have to learn different ways of relating to others and to life, and it's stinking uncomfortable. And that's hard to admit to yourself! Your mind tells you there's something wrong with you, and if you believe it, you fall asleep again. 

"Spiritual people" try so hard to help others get on the same path with them, to the point they accidentally create another system of beliefs and dogma full of lies. 

Humans are so driven to find answers, we find it almost impossible to accept that there are things we can't ever know for sure and we get so angry when someone tells us that they can't explain something and we must experience it ourselves. And then when they say they can't even tell us how to gain the experience, we label them a liar and stay in our illusion. 

I would love for my friends and family to join me. It would be amazing! But I can't explain so many things in a way that doesn't sound ridiculous, it's hard to convince them. Maybe when I'm further. 

Oh, but those moments when you are 100% in the moment, fully aware of every thought and feeling- that is really living. Actual joy, real peace and love. It sounds so fucking sappy, but that's because unless you've actually been aware of the times you've felt it (and you have, no matter how hard your life has been), you don't *know* the feeling. 

No one wants to feel all the bad stuff. I can't blame anyone who doesn't want to go through this. Some people do live nice lives without ever having to fully wake up. You could say they are lucky. I don't know how the mechanics of it all works, but I definitely have not had that kind of life. Right now, I feel like I have no other choice. I'm going to sit in my bad feelings and figure out what they are telling me. Fight the urge to run away. It's a lonely thing to do, but it is so worth it. 

I wish I could explain it all precisely, but it's not possible! It's even harder in text. I can't even tell you if something you've experienced is exactly what I'm talking about. But, if you keep trying, eventually you get little cracks in your illusion, and if you're paying attention, you'll see what I mean. You'll feel different, and you will understand. But you won't be able to explain it. Ha! 

[Anna Skywords]

The thing I want to say here is. When I began reading I couldn't believe how it felt like I was reading my own feelings and thoughts. Regarding your first entry. Ever see the movie The Truman Show ?  That's how it feels sometimes right ? Like everyone around you is waiting on a Q to say or do the next thing. It feels fake. Many days I feel like I only exist to give others meaning and pursose. When I enter these phases I don't pass out but have blocks of time when I can't figure out what I believe in. Kinda feels like at times, I don't believe in anything. I mean literally anything. The phone that rings. The paper work in the mail. How the juice feels as it flows down my throat into my belly first thing in the morning.  Non of it means anything because I'm just some.......thing that reality is centered around.....but I'm not actually designed to benifit from reality. These moments last anywhere from a few minutes to a few days and then I snap out of it. Reading your entries has me realizing.  I'm not alone.

[Water]

On 2/10/2016 at 11:00 AM, Anicko said:

Have you ever experienced de-realization, in the "mental illness" (for lack of a better description) sense? I've had panic attacks, for example, where suddenly the world around me looks and seems weird, fake...  Usually that ended with nearly or actually passing out. Yeah, you know. 

I just recently had a really intense experience! It was so overwhelming that I started shaking and threw up. But I wasn't scared, I think that's the key. I accepted it and tried my best not to judge. If this had happened a few years ago I probably would have tried seeking help from a therapist... but because of the knowledge I've gained I welcome these experiences with open arms, there a sign of growth. 

 

5 hours ago, Anna Skywords said:

These moments last anywhere from a few minutes to a few days and then I snap out of it.

Its amazing that feeling can last so long. How often does this happen? It only lasts for a few minutes for me. I'll start to look around and get this disturbing feeling that I don't exist, like my senses are playing some kind of cruel joke on me. I like to think of it as my ego dissolving, maybe it is maybe it isn't but it makes me feel better.

[Anicko]

@Anna Skywords I appreciate the kind words. 

It is a funny thing, and no matter how hard one tries to describe it so that it doesn't sounds insane to another person, words suck at doing a good job. 

I have not had the desire and time for a new entry the last couple weeks, but soon I'm sure I'll be inspired. 

Edited March 9, 2016 by Anicko

[Journey]

@Anicko Good day, my friend.

When I was studying sociology in academia I learned about a concept called Dramaturgy that proposes the world is a stage and we are all actors, in that we are performing for an audience.

Here are a few resources on the topic for your further exploration: 
1. http://www.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-binaries/16569_Chapter_10.pdf
2. http://jrdougan.tripod.com/
3. https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Sociological_Theory/Role_Theory

Does this relate in any way to your experience?
I feel that a lot of it is our sensing that others are not fully present in our conversations or interactions. They are merely going through the dialogue on auto-pilot. If this, then this. Maybe that is part of what you're picking up on or you've set up your own sort of script or system to respond to things so you interpret any stimuli through this lens. If you are trying to be perfect in all ways, that requires you to frame things as being successful and failures, as being correct or false entirely, so you may oversimplify the nuances of what someone is trying to communicate for the sake of turning it into a clear cut question with a clear cut question THAT you also know the answer to. 


And as an added bonus here's one of my favorite songs that goes "Your magic's real so why aren't you using it." I'm not quite clear on how the concept of magic relates to the idea of performance here, but here's the song anyways:

 

Edited March 9, 2016 by Journey
Added content.

[Anicko]

Autopilot is closer to what I mean. The funny thing is, no one can tell me what's true and what's not, no one can know if what I'm experiencing isn't just another mind trick, that I'm not just chasing the rainbow. 

That's what real loneliness is. The spiritual, existential kind. We are each a single awareness within a body. We can never truly know anyone else's experience with anything. The way I experience a pin prick may or may not be exactly the same as someone else, but I can't ever be certain. 

Waking up, coming through the veil, breaking out of the illusion, enlightenment - whatever you wish to call it - what is it really, and what does it mean for each of us? Sometimes I wonder if it's truth, or if I am a little crazy, but that's not a good one to dwell on for too long, but my experiences have been interesting and have started to change my existence positively in many different ways. I can't help but seek others who might be seeing what I'm seeing, perhaps partly for validation. 

It's an interesting path to walk. So many contradictions, so many scary parts. It's uncomfortable, but once you get past something, that discomfort no longer seems to have been real. I love when I actually catch myself avoid negative feelings so I can question them. Sometimes my mind wins and I begin to get lost thoughts about something else, but sometimes I am able to sit with it and make it go away and that problem then seems so different, and not a real problem anymore. 

It's like magic. And then you start questioning EVERYTHING. Even things that seem ridiculous, like do germs really cause disease, and if I stop believing that they do, germs will not hurt me again? Seriously? And how the heck do you go about doing it? 

Hard to explain. But really fascinating stuff. 

[Anicko]

@Journey Thanks for sharing the song. I seem to have recently lost my interest in music, which is weird and surely temporary, but the song was fun and struck a chord for me at the moment. I appreciate it!! 

[Anicko]

Oh, yes. I have the Buddhist teacher as my client again tonight. Last week's service was nerve-wracking, but tonight's is cake, so I will be able to pay more attention to conversation. I'm feeling very curious. It's very hard not to allow myself to place any judgments, but I feel like he's not trustworthy in a way. He's just playing a false role. I'll have to report back on how it went. It's too funny! 

[Anicko]

I just had an amazing moment of awareness. I went to write a note for myself in my scribble app, and I glanced at some old notes (there aren't many, I'm terrible at writing myself notes) and realized they exist as a journal in and of themselves. It gives me a tiny snapshot of my personal journey, and it's incredibly uplifting. 

I wish I could explain how it feels. The words closest I can use are joy, love, forgiveness, peace, hope... But not one of those words is exactly right. 

Part of me feels this is familiar somehow, but I can't quite remember it. I can question whether I'm crazy all day, but I have to accept not knowing and go on faith, and hope. Two words that seem so foreign and paradoxical to my mind. All that false self/ego stuff that to other people, and a part of my own mind, that is so ridiculous if you haven't felt it yourself. Again, words fail so hard to explain. You're either in it, or you are unaware. But you can't understand your unawareness if you haven't ever realized and accepted it. 

And this circles me back- a journal is an incredible tool for understanding yourself. Start one intentionally, but also look for places you have already accidentally left one for yourself. It's an amazing experience! 

And now for a personal journal moment, I must go and change a kid's poopy diaper. If you are reading this, I wish you peace and joy in your own life. I love you (mushy woo-woo!!). 

[Anicko]

I am definitely experiencing some sort of funk right now. But viewing my mind in this new way makes it seem so strange. Real and painful, but at the same time unreal and boring. 

I went on a mini vacation of sorts, and I think I want to stay on vacation forever! I had an amazing time, so many little details that make me feel such a sense of gratitude and joy. 

I'm feeling a little lost. I'm feeling bored. I'm feeling tired. It's almost like my old mind is trying to take over. It's a very bizarre thing, and when I try to describe it to myself, it sounds ridiculous. It's a sirens call to sleep, I think. It's temporary, I'm sure, and I'm learning from it. But, like so many people, I still seek validation at times, but this journey is such a solo adventure! I can gain comfort being able to discuss my thoughts with others, but little else. 

As long as I follow my inspiration and not my beliefs, things will work out fine. 

[Progress]

If you want to look into real magic, I would look into Aliester Crowley.

[Anicko]

@Progress I'm not sure how learning about him helps me, but his bio was a fun and interesting read, and I had a hearty laugh at some of the YouTube videos about him. 

I have known people and had friends that do the 'magick' thing, or fancy themselves Satanists. I, personally, prefer to remain free of any and all organized religious dogma. 

This is not the magic I speak of.  

[Anicko]

I'm definitely considering a new title for my journal. I love and hate words at the same time. 

Is funny because my fortune cookie the other day said "You are a lover of words and will write a book someday.". I also got one that says "You have friends and you know it." Aww. 

My pic here is one I got a while back that I sent to my school BFF because we had just been discussing the law of attraction and the book/movie The Secret. 

I love it. 

Anyways, that was a heck of a distraction from my original point of changing my title... Hating when words aren't "right"... And I guess I've lost it. That is my superpower. Actually, my superpower might be attention to detail. Got to give myself some credit here! 

I'm a hot mess today. I think I'm starting to write this more like my personal journals than as a planned post to an audience. I apologize if it bothers you, or if I leave you wanting more details,  but I'm a 'fly by the seat of my pants' kind of girl! And my mind has a lot of squirrel moments. 

But a couple other notes... My Buddhist guy was a no call/no show to our appointment. I was not surprised, but a little disappointed. I hope he reschedules with me, (I want to fix that hair for him!) but we'll see. 

I also had a job I am rather excited about fall into my lap recently. 

Edited March 22, 2016 by Anicko

[Anicko]

I seem to be having a bit of a breakthrough, my funk is quickly dissipating. My love for music is returning, I'm not as frustrated by the idiotic behavior of others and I'm feeling pretty content. 

I have mostly stopped meditating, at least in the commonly accepted way of doing it. I still use what I learned to put myself to sleep most nights because it works so beautifully, but my main focus is watching my emotions and the corresponding thoughts, removing beliefs. 

I feel like I'm being tested (not in any woo-hoo way, mind you, just the easiest way to describe it) right now. I feel like everyone is picking on me! It's a massive opportunity to practice rejecting projection and not taking things personally. Last night I was discussing with a schoolmate the recent behavior of others in correlation to the full moon. It was a fun conversation and I did get an opportunity to share some of my personal work with her and she was surprised and receptive to some of my ideas. I always tread carefully, but especially when it's someone who is very religious. 

I'm finding more opportunities to help, and it's interesting, sometimes frustrating, because it's so different from the way I've always previously tried to "help". It's no longer advice or *doing* anything. It's more, this is what I'm inspired to say to you, take it or leave it, I don't give a shit if it does not directly involve me. Sometimes I'm shocked at how harsh I come across, but I'm discovering that if it was truly an inspired comment, there are no negative repercussions. The other person either opens their mind a little bit or they shut up and drop the issue. 

I found myself viewing old thoughts of depression, anger, anxiety with a different perspective and it's laughable! It's hard to explain, but I think I'm beginning to understand what it actually means to "stop letting myself be depressed/anxious/angry". 

Like so many things in this inner work (love and forgiveness for example), it is not what one expects, and it is impossible to find the right words to share with other people! But I reflect on all the times I was told to simply cheer up and I get it. I am not supposed to just think positive thoughts - that is just a temporary bandage, if it works at all. You have to remove all the filters you've been viewing your life through, start seeing what's really been there all along. 

There is so much we can learn if we're willing to just open our minds and try different perspectives. When you find the perspective that is calm and peaceful in your mind and heart, you've found the truth. It's absolutely beautiful.