True Love

[Mango]

What is true love? How do i know if someone loves me truly and how to I know if I love someone truly?? Is it an intense feel that you know or is it a mild soothing  feeling that  you have with parents? How can I grow love and commitment towards a man if I know that he truly loves me? Does it even exist?? I have been in a serious relationship before but it didn't workout. Now I am dating a guy who is a very decent guy and who seems to be emotionally attached to me and proposed me for a marriage. I certainly have feelings for him and see a future with him but I do not know if I love him because it is not that intense and charismatic as my first love rather a soothing and comfortable feeling that I have. Is it love ?? 

[Frogfucius]

@Mango I believe this is what people call "settling". The way you're describing this situation: it's not love. You're using someone else as a security blanket, and not finding what it is you truly want in life. (Hint: it can't be found in another person)

The divorce rate is 50%. Even more marriages than that break apart, but the couples stay together but are miserable. Lifelong commitment is just not possible with someone you don't have intense chemistry, selfless passion, and common values/goals with. Be honest with yourself, and assess your situation from a 3rd perspective.

[aurum]

I'm honestly probably not the best person to answer this because I know I still have some emotional walls around love. But I've at least seen the direction I want to go and share that with you.

Ultimately, love isn't about what you "get" from the other person. Now, that doesn't mean chemistry isn't important. Because certainly some people are just better matches for each other.

However, most people ONLY care about chemistry and how this person fulfills their own needs. From that perspective, love is honestly kind of selfish and just a tool of the ego.

But I don't believe that's the highest form of love humans are capable of. True Love starts with YOU. You coming from a place where you're so fulfilled and at peace that you can't help but love other people. It just pours out of you. You can't help it.

In that sense, True Love is really a love for yourself and for all of life. Then when you meet that person who you do have amazing chemistry with, your focus is more on GIVING.

Another point: Love is a choice. No one can go into your brain and turn the "love dials". Ultimately, you do it to yourself. And so, you just make a choice that this is going to be the person you love and your actions reflect that.

Now, most people won't like what I just said because it's validating to believe that it was something about THEM that made their lover fall head over heels. And certainly you do play a role. But you can't change a person who doesn't want to change.

Do you and your boyfriend fit this description? I have no idea. I'm not faulting you if you don't because I certainly struggle with it. But just think about it.

[Mango]

11 hours ago, Frogfucius said:

@Mango I believe this is what people call "settling". The way you're describing this situation: it's not love. You're using someone else as a security blanket, and not finding what it is you truly want in life. (Hint: it can't be found in another person)

The divorce rate is 50%. Even more marriages than that break apart, but the couples stay together but are miserable. Lifelong commitment is just not possible with someone you don't have intense chemistry, selfless passion, and common values/goals with. Be honest with yourself, and assess your situation from a 3rd perspective.

Exactly what was on my mind!! Some times you need to hear it from a third person to realize it. I do sometimes feel that I am trying to find a settlement and stability in life, and I also know that only I can give all that to myself rather than others. I know it firmly that I was in a place to give in my first love. I still feel that way even after the relationship has ended. Thanks!!