My Dating Journal: Searching For The Best Partner For ME

[Roy]

This will be a place to gather, organize, and reflect on my thoughts about the women I meet in my search for a partner. I'm not just looking for ANY partner though. I don't care for mediocre, or for good, or for just sex. That's way too easy for me. I'm not just going to dive into an average relationship like most people because of the fear of being alone. I am totally content and happy alone. What I'm looking for is very particular, and I won't settle for anything less than high quality. If it's not great and not healthy, then I won't do it.

I deserve what I want.

You'll get a personal look into some of the inner thought process and feelings I have when navigating this stuff. It won't be too mechanical, it will be more of an organic jotting down of notes and things I'm contemplating about for my journey in this aspect of my life. This process will (hopefully) help me get closer to what I truly want and cause me to transcend some old patterns and failures I've had so far - Attachment, "oneitis", neediness, "seeing where it goes" etc.

I'll be altering the names of the people I meet in order to protect their identity. I will only share what I want to or deem relevant. Sometimes some of the things I say might seem judgmental or brash, or straight up inappropriate. If you don't like it, I mean, too bad? Just don't come here then 

The structure will mostly just be about the dates and encounters I have + random notes about sexuality/relationships. I will be dating LOTS of people in order to find the best match for what I'm after. It may seem like I'm juggling or being a "player" but that's not what it is. I will end up building relationships with multiple people for sometime, but I am extremely careful with how I am going to invest emotionally, and when to cross certain lines. I am brutally honest about my intentions with the people I meet. As soon as I don't think someone is a great fit or it is clear a relationship with them would be a "dead end", I will cut them out - honestly and directly. That way they have closure and hopefully aren't hurt, and we can both move on. When I find that person I want to seriously commit to they will be exclusive and I will immediately cut contact with all others.

DISCLAIMER: I will be restraining having sex with any of them until the time I decide to commit. It tends to taint the relationship and sets a weird tone if I do it too early from my experience. HOWEVER (LOL) If it feels extremely passionate and resonates with the moment enough in the right way, I am going to have sex. I'm not looking to pump and dump anyone. I don't want to seduce them into getting attached and creating expectations and then cut them off after having sex, that's not fair. If I want to fuck someone I can go to any party, club, or bar any night of the week. It's a joke to me and not what I want.

If you have any questions or input, feel free to post. Just know if you don't behave I will erase your comments and/or ban you.

MY IDEAL PARTNER TRAITS (No Particular Order):

(Likely to revise list. Not looking to have every single trait fulfilled. Just most of them or the right combination.)

PREFERENCES

• Straight/Bi/Queer. They have to know their orientation here. No suppressed desires.
• 22ish to 42ish years old. I don't care that much about age, but this is the range of comfort for me.
• Emotionally mature. Understands (generally) what their emotions mean, and makes an effort to manage them.
• Quirky. Not completely necessary, but I find it attractive most times.
• Open-minded. Can talk about nearly anything without getting triggered or defensive.
• Sexually competent & confident. Isn't shy about what they like in the bedroom/is experienced. Willing to try new things once in a while. Doesn't get judgmental or weird. Understands respect and consent.
• Financially independent. Not overly concerned with what they do for money or if they like it or not. Simply employed and make enough to sustain themselves + enough left over to feed their hobbies and contribute to the relationship.
• Acceptable physical health and aware of respecting, maintaining, and improving it. They don't have to be in model shape, but can at least keep up in a hike or other activities without getting ill.
• A sense of adventure. They have to be ok with my occasional childlike nature. Also prefer a bit of a "bad girl". Willing to break minor laws once in a while for the sake of spontaneity and fun, like trespassing.
• Sassy. I prefer a woman who knows how to be a bitch at the right time, like when it's funny. Willing to challenge and call me out sometimes when I need it.

DEALBREAKERS

• Wants biological children 100%
•  

[Roy]

May 19th - June 8th

Stephanie - 31, Stage Green (Date 1)

Went to an art gallery together because she was an aspiring artist, and I am getting interested in it casually for myself. It wasn't that big a gallery, but it should have taken around 15-20 minutes to do ideally. Despite loving art she rushed through it at too fast a pace for me. Which pissed me off a little bit to be honest. Didn't get to really enjoy the pieces or talk about them or to each other that much. After leaving we walked around downtown Victoria searching for an ice cream place, the one we wanted was closed for some reason. So it left ample time to talk. She seemed a little shy and nervous for a bit, but I think I put her at ease. She started sharing more in depth as the evening went on. We got ice cream, sat on a bench for a bit. Then instead of going home, deviated from the date which I liked, she suggested seeing a cool town square. We walked along to water to it, stopped in an arts and crafts store for the hell of it too.

After about 2ish hours we decided that was it. She was going to walk home, with no intentions for anything I offered to drive her home to save her 15 minutes. We ended up talking in my car for a while before I even started the ignition. It got into some deep territory about our passions and thoughts on life/spirituality. Here is where I fucked up haha. It got intimate and quiet for a moment and I knew deep down intuitively it was the wrong moment to go for a kiss, but I went for it because in my mind and general experience it was the right moment. Her body language was extremely receptive, but at the last half second pulled back and says she wasn't ready because of her past. Once again another example why not to think logically, and listen to that little voice. It is always right.

Actually glad she rejected me there. I got over it very quickly. There were some huge red flags from our conversation in the car that I didn't realize until AFTER I drove home. She had some insane beliefs about demons and spirits, and obvious neuroticism. I think I dodged the crazy bullet.

STATUS - Cut contact for obvious reasons.

Jennifer - 26, Stage Blue/Orange (Date 1)

Went on a hike with her. She said she does that stuff a lot but seemed kind of gassed quickly, and also was resistant to going up a hill because of fear heights. That turned me off slightly but I didn't give it any notice really. I didn't insist and said we can turn back whenever, didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. She seemed quite simple, country-like, and family oriented. Generally healthy and put together. Wants to be a police officer and has a degree in criminology. I got the impression she was open-minded but didn't express much interest in more esoteric topics when I brought them up. She also is a volunteer firefighter which I thought was kind of cool, we resonated there.

Otherwise I didn't get to know her too much in that time. I didn't feel much of a connection to be honest, but think it just needs some more time to foster something. I could see it working and being a solid relationship, but not as deep as what I want. Whether it happens or not I don't care much. Contact and interest has been too sparse for me. I have other options of much more interest.

STATUS - She was open to a 2nd dinner date. We almost set it up but schedules didn't align. Willing to give it one more shot, but leaning towards cutting it off.

Dani - 31, Stage Orange (Date 1)

Knew it was going to be a waste from the start to go on a date with her and it was confirmed when it happened. We had the same date set from the week before, but she cancelled because she met someone. It didn't work out for her, we matched on another app a few days later. I didn't want to be hold it against her that she cancelled. Maybe she only dates 1 person at a time? I just thought I'd give it a shot anyways and ignored my gut.

We went for a bike ride that she suggested. I was tired of always being the one setting up dates so I agreed. Turns out it's really hard to talk to someone while riding and worrying about traffic, it was fun riding but not what I expected. Was hoping for more casual ride instead of the path she wanted. So I was happy when we stopped at a park to rest and chat on the bench, I thought it would be a better place to get to know her.

It was a fucking exhausting experience. I had to initiate every single topic, ask all the questions, and carry the conversation. She wasn't visibly uncomfortable at all, but put absolutely zero effort into things which just made it so unpleasant. I was heavily turned off by that and wanted to just get home. I should have listened to my gut to cancel the date in the days before.

It's kind of surprising that was how she acted in person, because her texting was extremely neurotic and needy. She would answer things literally with 5 seconds of messages being sent, even in the middle of the day lol? She probably said more words through texting than in person. Guess she feels way more comfortable at that distance, but lacks confidence in person.

STATUS - Cut contact immediately after date.

Natalie - 24, Stage Orange/Green (Date 1)

Extremely cute girl! Reminds me of my last serious girlfriend. We had solid chemistry off the bat. My masculinity is at the right levels for her where it seems she's not overwhelmed. She was quite shy at first but once I got her smiling and played with her dog she started talking more and had more enthusiasm. She seems extremely pure, family oriented, and has a good heart. Just about to start a nursing job.

I am a bit torn because she is about 1 hour away, and lives through a busy part of Victoria. She also seems a bit too innocent I'm intuiting, at least for me. I'm sure long term she would be extremely healthy for me, but don't know if it would be the "style" of relationship I'd want. High quality wife material for sure, but I got clear signals she struggles with confidence and some neurotic patterns, from her own admittance. I can't be so quick to think I have her figured out. I do like what I see so far and will keep exploring, if given the chance I'll see how she responds to physicality.

STATUS - Moderate/high interest in pursuing. Have currently confirmed 2nd date which will be dinner. Just choosing a place and time of day.

Samantha - 30, Stage Green (Date 1)

This one is stressing me out a bit. We match extremely well on values, interests, and goals. Probably the best of anyone I've met yet. Had a great easy going date walking through a beautiful forest and then lunch together after. There was no awkwardness, and the whole experience was pleasant. Something just felt a little off though. Her energy was very reserved and static. Was she testing me to see how much I'd try to open her up? I sensed it very early and held myself back from trying too hard. I just hovered my energy and aura slightly higher than hers to show that I'm interested, but not overly invested.

I did manage to make her demeanor crack and cause a smile here and there. Holy fuck is she gorgeous. There were a few moments where I expressed dominant energy and drew her eyes to mine so I could look into her deeper. Idk though. She is a challenge and frustrated me a bit trying to understand her, when I'm usually very good at getting people right away. I think it's because she's also an introvert. There might just be some incompatibility there. I don't think I could force a connection even if I wanted to. It's just a shame because there is something there I think. I am not worrying about it too much though.

STATUS - Pending. Has not responded in a few days. Would love to keep pursing but will accept whatever outcome.

Erin - 33, Stage Orange/Green (Date 1&2)

She is quite cool and has a lot of what I'm looking for and the same lifestyle, but I have some reservations about the attraction. I actually met her on my way to meet Samantha lol. She works on the ferries and was headed to the other side for work. We matched in line and decided to meet on the trip over. She invited me to her car so we got to introduce each other for 20 minutes. I like the suddenness of it. Felt really authentic and pushed me out of my shell a bit.

After that meeting we texted a lot that day and set up a date for the following day. Just a simple hike exploring somewhere we've both been. I was flirting with her and found out she's kind of a bad girl which is attractive. We went and visited something that was closed down and then strayed off the trail to explore. We ended up sitting down on sunny spot in the middle of the forest. After a few minutes our comfort levels were obvious. We started making out. Both having fun and things got heated fast. I didn't physically initiate things further than kissing, but she felt where it was going and brought it up verbally, because she could feel I was hard while pressing against her and I could feel she was wet when she wrapped her legs around me. She said she was horny and would like to, but wanted to control herself and get to know me better first. I said I wasn't expecting any outcome and agreed it was a good idea. I felt I could have easily changed her mind and fucked her right there in the forest and it would have been great, I was certainly tempted, but it was wise not to.

I like her energy generally but it's a lot for me. It's early to say but I don't want to quite work that hard all the time. She seems like a busy high achiever. Works on the ferries for extra money, and is a medical assistant as well and thinking about becoming a doctor. Also used to be on the Olympic National Rowing team which impressed me. There is a lot in common and I think it could work well. We had some fascinating conversations about spirituality, and she is definitely intellectual which turns me on.

The thing is I sensed some subtle communication issues and incompatibilities which is a problem. There are some rigid and stubborn energies she is giving off. Which I don't know will mesh with my sensitivity and calmness long term. I don't want to be too harsh though.

STATUS - Still in contact. Will arrange a date for the future.

Kassandra - 39, Stage Green/Yellow (Date 1)

WOW. What a peaceful soul. I've never had a date and meeting someone that flowed so effortlessly. There were some low confidence vibes I picked up on through texting and during the date but I figured out that it was just her being careful and having a sensitive nature.

The thing is from everything I learned about her I don't think she's fully my type. but the resonance we had was just unreal. I am definitely picking up that I would be a great man and partner for her.

It just clicked so well and the encounter with her went pretty much close to perfect. I am not going to get ahead of myself but will follow the path of these emotions and try to learn more about her.

STATUS - Extreme interest in pursing. Will stay in close contact and try to meet again ASAP.

[Roy]

June 9th

Leanne - 28, Stage Green/Yellow (Date 1)

Just finished my date with her. She lives on a smaller island close to me in a community. She was camping on the mainland and visited me coming back to the ferry. I was actually stuck on her island last week for work after missing the ferry by 1 vehicle, would have been a spontaneous way to meet lol, she messaged me while I was there asking to hang out but I didn't anticipate getting stuck and not a good idea while working. I do like how easy going she is and how she doesn't care about being sporadic or sticking to a plan. On our date she just started walking off onto a random path off to the side of park we were at to explore, love that kinda shit!

She is very attractive and in fantastic shape. Will be exciting to have a match physically (or a challenge) if we do anything in the future. She's into a lot of the same sports and things I am which is great. Also into awareness training, self-help, and developing which is great. Funny enough her first introduction into the sphere was also Sam Harris  Super calm energy and non-judgmental. Felt very easy to share things with each other right away, there was no hesitation from either side. From what I cessed out in the hour and a half, a lot of basic values match which is fundamental. Only negative notes so far is impression of strong tomboy/masculinity. Will be looking to understand that as time goes on. Also seems to be involved/living in heavy Stage Green community, which I'm not sure how to feel about. I will reserve judgement until I experience it.

STATUS - Very high interest in pursuing. Was open to suggestion of 2nd date. Perhaps something like mountain biking. Will put energy into keeping in touch and arranging plans for near future.

[Roy]

Alright, updated the entire list of my recent dating journey. I'm kind of pooched I've literally had a date every single day of the week thus far lol. The masculine energy and confidence is flowing for sure. I feel my attraction and value rubbing off with each new woman I meet. Not to mention learning a lot from every encounter and keying into what exactly I'm attracted to vs what I'm not.

Dating this much also does wonders for practicing to manage emotions. I am gaining a lot more control. Not getting caught up or needy about outcomes, the half-life for such thoughts is so small now. I am feeling a lot of power being honest and vulnerable even on first encounters. Showing that you don't give a fuck feels so difficult to do, but once you get the rewards it makes it worth it.

I am kind of buzzing with energy because of all these first dates and wanting to go deeper, but it's important to stay grounded and strategic. Definitely excited though. Just going to keep managing my time and energy properly and not worrying about what happens with who.

[Raptorsin7]

Awesome journal man. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I want to start off with saying that I really like your journal and I think that I can learn a lot from the experiences that you are sharing here. 

Personally, in my journey I found it difficult to balance more than 2 people at once per month when it comes to dating and I noticed that I get tired of the process of dating quite easily. I've been trying to address that and my limiting beliefs so that I can let loose and enjoy the process more instead of feeling this exhaustion with dating. Maybe it's because I haven't found people that I really click with or really like but dating often feels like a drag to me. I never had a problem with being needy/clingy. If anything I find myself coming off as distant because of the time I need to recharge and I suppose in many cases, lack of interest. 

I guess my question is, how do you balance all of this? Does it ever feel socially exhausting? If so, how do you deal with that?

Edited June 10, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[Roy]

59 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I guess my question is, how do you balance all of this?

Well I only have so much energy right. I can only talk so much, so naturally it balances out any neediness I have because even if I end up liking 4-6 of them as potential partners I won't be able to text daily to all of them, or spam anybody I REALLY like. I'm sending sparse, but meaningful messages and just trying to arrange simple dates that are 1-2 hours max so it doesn't drain TOO much time.

Not to mention my commitments are really simple right now. Day job for 8 hours, volunteer firefighting for 4-8 hours a week, and just dating/hobbies otherwise.

Once I find someone I want dating will take even less time.

59 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Does it ever feel socially exhausting? If so, how do you deal with that?

It's counter-intuitive. For me if I'm dating just one person or 2-3 I tend to exhaust myself more by overthinking and trying too hard to impress them or make it work. But I'm kind of spreading it out a bit now which feels easier actually.

I am really getting a keen sense of what I like most, and because I have so many options I can also see who likes ME the most too.

I'm sure it will get exhausting if I add too many people in the loop. At which point I will be more aggressive at cutting the least compatible people out.

A simple, "Hey you're a great person and I had some fun dates with you, but I don't want to waste either of our time too much I don't sense we are a long term match." Or something similar to that.

[Roy]

I posted a couple things here over the weekend but it looks like there was a forum issue or something. Idk if I have the energy to rehash what I wrote. I might later.

Anyways in short had a nice 5 hour date (3rd date) on the beach last night with Natalie. Connected pretty well with her, I'm not clear about commitment levels though after we had our departing conversation. It will remain tentative for now which is ok with me.

[Snader]

Thanks for sharing! That's a nice journal that's interesting to read.

I'm generally curious; what do you tell about yourself on your profile, if I may ask? What is the kind of sales pitch you give of yourself to make the girl decide which direction to swipe and whether to be interested in dating you at all in the first place?

[Roy]

Just now, Snader said:

Thanks for sharing! That's a nice journal that's interesting to read.

I'm generally curious; what do you tell about yourself on your profile, if I may ask? What is the kind of sales pitch you give of yourself to make the girl decide which direction to swipe and whether to be interested in dating you at all in the first place?

This is my tinder. Two notes - Not my main profile pic I screenshotted here. I haven't really adjusted text thing since I got here 9 months ago lol. I'm too lazy to try hard and learn all the tricks and gimmicks. I just went with the first thing that came to mind and it works well enough for me. It seems to filter out all the girls I wouldn't want to match with.

I could probably spend a few hours learning the ins and outs and getting some better pictures.... buuuuuuut I don't care lol. Maybe it would be an ego boost to get more matches, but I have enough now where I get somewhat exhausted thinking about who to invest in and who not to.

[Snader]

Looks really nice to me. As brief as it should be, while also telling quite a lot about you.

Yeah, why to change anything if already getting more results than needed.

[Roy]

Just now, Preety_India said:

@Roy what do you mean by "no hookups? “

Sorry I'm a bit dumb with these terminologies. 

Does it mean you are looking for solid long term relationship? As in you don't want passing flings? 

Is dating like hook-up? 

 

To hook-up is to sleep with someone without seriously intending to get to know them, or stay with them for a relationship. Or alternatively it means you are planning on leaving after after sex.

Dating could mean a lot of things, it doesn't say anything about intentions. Dating just means you are looking to meet people as "more than friends".

I've had hooked-up and had sex with a bunch of people since I got here. About a new person every month, of course a lot of the times it was "fun" but largely been unsatisfying for me. I can't really do it anymore. I even fucked a 9 who had the best rack I've ever encountered, omg they were nice , but even THAT didn't do it for me because I didn't end up liking her that much. There was a more serious partner in January for a month who was a great woman, and the sex was very very good. Our physicality and drives matched well, I think we did it like 6 times one day? But it just wasn't a super practical relationship for long term so I ended it to save future deeper pain.

I realize that phase just isn't for me anymore. I have to like or love someone emotionally if I am going to be physically intimate. Otherwise honestly I can give myself a better orgasm than 9/10 women can, but obviously that gets boring after a while.

This doesn't mean I will never have a fling again. If there is some amazing encounter where it resonates in the moment deeply I will go for it.

Otherwise no.

 

[Striving for more]

What's it like being an INFP? 

(Biggest strengths & weaknesses) 

I really never understood this "F" vs "P" distinction... 

Almost All humans think & feel a lot? , & you clearly think through even the subtlest of details & observations. 

 

[Roy]

19 hours ago, Striving for more said:

What's it like being an INFP? 

(Biggest strengths & weaknesses) 

Idk dude it's complicated haha. I'm still figuring out my strengths and weaknesses. To be honest I've struggled a lot in life so far and have been a late bloomer for most things. I'm sure I got way ahead in some areas compared to other people, but it was at the sacrifice of other areas.

I guess off the top of my head with no detail my strengths and weaknesses

+++ Intuition. Level-headedness. Altruism.

--- Feeling of being lost/behind. Lack of confidence. Indecision.

I feel things starting to gel together though after years of depression and hard times, like I'm finally becoming a man and shaping up to the person I want to be. Not exactly in the way I naively envisioned when I was younger but something different and probably better.

[Raphael]

Your journal is amazing! I hope you'll find an awesome partner

[Snader]

Don't leave us hanging here man! Give as some updates!

[Roy]

6 hours ago, Snader said:

Don't leave us hanging here man! Give as some updates!

Sorry about the radio silence. I've slowed down on dating quite a bit. Going through an emotionally confusing time. Idk how to feel.

I also had an experience I'm not sure what to think about, but I don't feel comfortable sharing it.

For anyone following the thread just forget about it for a while. It will remain inactive until I'm feeling better about things.

Apologies.

[Snader]

4 hours ago, Roy said:

Sorry about the radio silence. I've slowed down on dating quite a bit. Going through an emotionally confusing time. Idk how to feel.

I also had an experience I'm not sure what to think about, but I don't feel comfortable sharing it.

For anyone following the thread just forget about it for a while. It will remain inactive until I'm feeling better about things.

Apologies.

Of course, take your time.

Thanks for sharing that.