Avoidant Personality Desorder

[SenshiAna]

So, I came across with this disorder and I am seriously thinking I display at least 4 parameters of it. In fact, I am at this precise moment avoiding an appointment with a friend, because I don't feel like going.

This is getting me worried, and I am really thinking my intimacy issues have to do with this.... ----> Check it here:

Is anyone in here acquainted with this disorder?

[Kelley White]

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So, I came across with this disorder and I am seriously thinking I display at least 4 parameters of it. In fact, I am at this precise moment avoiding an appointment with a friend, because I don't feel like going.

This is getting me worried, and I am really thinking my intimacy issues have to do with this.... ----> Check it here:

I think you might appreciate this, its one of my favorite Ted talks.  

I'm working on the intimacy thing and I have been very fortunate to find a few safe men both in a treatment setting and in my personal life to learn to rebuild trust and vulnerability with, which allows intimacy.   Just a thought.

[Kelley White]

 @SenshiAna The other thing I was remiss to mention, it can be very dangerous to self diagnose.   Have you ever heard of  the person who can read the DSM and then starts manifesting every illness out of fear?  I think its fairly normal when we feel off balance or we have just been hurt to have issues with trust. 

So this friend?  Is it a friend you  are avoiding for a valid reason or an invalid one?

Sometimes?  Listen to your gut, you might want to not be intimate with this friend anymore.  Are you tired?  Do you just want a break?  So you might want to do some more inquiry about it as well.

[SenshiAna]

31 minutes ago, Kelley White said:

 @SenshiAna The other thing I was remiss to mention, it can be very dangerous to self diagnose.   Have you ever heard of  the person who can read the DSM and then starts manifesting every illness out of fear?  I think its fairly normal when we feel off balance or we have just been hurt to have issues with trust. 

So this friend?  Is it a friend you  are avoiding for a valid reason or an invalid one?

Sometimes?  Listen to your gut, you might want to not be intimate with this friend anymore.  Are you tired?  Do you just want a break?  So you might want to do some more inquiry about it as well.

@Kelley White, first of all thank you for the Ted-talk! 

I am avoiding this friend because of the feelings he makes me experience. I want him so much, but at the same time I feel like he would never like me back. But then he makes a signs he likes me as well, and then I have this "please don't look into me too much, because I don't want to make a fool out of myself, and the way you make me feel makes me think like that!" So, I end up seeking consolation and some happiness out of fantasy situations I make in my head. As a result, we ended up having this very confusing friendship-crush and kind of denying to see it.

I feel what's preventing me from advancing with him is the constant need of approval from his behalf ("does he want this too?") and at the same time a complex feeling of "I'll love you, I want you to love me, but don't look into me too much". Because other than that, I feel he is a good man, who also suffered with women (which leads me to think he may assume I am playing with him) and enjoys me and my opinions. 

EDIT: on second thought I would like to had my crush may also be somehow love avoidant. So basically, I feel like if we just opened up to each other, maybe we could understand each other once and for all.

As for self diagnosis, I totally agree with you! And I'll give you an example: ever since I "labeled" myself as an INFJ, I started behaving more like one. But this intimacy thing is something I would like to deal with, as I feel like it's preventing me a lot of things.

Edited February 10, 2016 by SenshiAna

[Kelley White]

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@Kelley White, first of all thank you for the Ted-talk! 

I am avoiding this friend because of the feelings he makes me experience. I want him so much, but at the same time I feel like he would never like me back. But then he makes a signs he likes me as well, and then I have this "please don't look into me too much, because I don't want to make a fool out of myself, and the way you make me feel makes me think like that!" So, I end up seeking consolation and some happiness out of fantasy situations I make in my head. As a result, we ended up having this very confusing friendship-crush and kind of denying to see it.

I feel what's preventing me from advancing with him is the constant need of approval from his behalf ("does he want this too?") and at the same time a complex feeling of "I'll love you, I want you to love me, but don't look into me too much". Because other than that, I feel he is a good man, who also suffered with women (which leads me to think he may assume I am playing with him) and enjoys me and my opinions. 

EDIT: on second thought I would like to had my crush may also be somehow love avoidant. So basically, I feel like if we just opened up to each other, maybe we could understand each other once and for all.

As for self diagnosis, I totally agree with you! And I'll give you an example: ever since I "labeled" myself as an INFJ, I started behaving more like one. But this intimacy thing is something I would like to deal with, as I feel like it's preventing me a lot of things.

 

 

You are welcome!   @SenshiAna I don’t know if I really have an answer, I could offer some insights that jump out at me. 

“I am avoiding this friend for the feelings he makes me experience?” 

What are the feelings you experience when you are in his company?  Can you list them for yourself on a sheet of paper? 

“I want him so much…”  

Do you know why?  What about “him” makes you want him so much?  Can you list that on a sheet of paper.

Is it how he feels about you or how he makes you feel about you?   

If he doesn’t like you, who are you?    Can you list that on a sheet of a paper?  Who are you with him, and who are you without him?

Do you still have the same worth now you think you will have if, since you “want” him. you “get” him? 

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“…at the same time I feel like he would never like me back.”

If you are not in his mind, you don’t know whether he likes you or not unless you communicate.  That means risking rejection and that can be scary. 

When I get to this place?  I personally want to know what is real.  I would rather ask and hear I want to be friends, or I just want a one-night stand, I want a falafel, whatever… then, I can make up my mind, what I want as well.   I look at it like. “I can’t lose what I don’t have,” so I try to communicate. 

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But then he makes a signs he likes me as well, and then I have this "please don't look into me too much, because I don't want to make a fool out of myself, and the way you make me feel makes me think like that!

I don’t know this man.  He could be shy?  He could be avoidant, he could just have social anxiety when it comes to talking to girls?  In my observation being the girl that hangs out with lots of guys?  It’s just as hard for men to ask women out, and ask all the relationship questions, as it is for women to do.  

I talk to lonely men every Friday evening at a social function who put on all this armor and then want to meet the girl of their dreams.   Only way to get over rejection?  Risk rejection.  Sounds counter-intuitive I know, but sometimes we have to do counter intuitive things to break old patterns.

By being brave enough to share with him how you are feeling you may open the door to a good conversation he doesn’t have the tools or courage to start?  Maybe he is carrying around the exact same fears?

In my direct experience in the beginning of relationships everyone is doing that nervous tango of wondering and hoping.  

But if you have the pursue, run dynamic going on, on both sides?  That’s going to be a challenging tango.  The cool thing about the tango when you get tangled up you can get untangled.   You just re-frame your dance space.

I met someone four months ago.  He is a really intelligent man and we communicate about everything. 

We are also aware of my intimacy avoidance reactions which can kick in, so we do very specific eye contact exercises to work on that.  Sometimes its uncomfortable.  “Oh he’ll see in here and see I’m crazy and a train wreck and reject me.” So I will verbalize that fear.  Instead he says yeah, you are out there that’s what I love about you.”  Yeah, you are a train wreck, you should be right now, come here you, let me hug you.  I got you, I’m here for you.” 

Time will tell. 

Honestly, it’s not a crazy "I want you" thing. 

It’s a "Wow I am just so content and I can be authentic with you even if I’m crying and healing and it’s a beautiful relationship."   We’ve run into a few communication glitches, those were solvable.  This over time is building  built trust and confidence.  I am grateful.

Another thing I will throw out there?  We are focusing on the relationship intimacy, not physical intimacy. 

That is a huge pattern shift and I find I retain more emotional clarity to examine if I can really trust this person with a more logical emotional process.   I’m not saying everyone has to approach a relationship the way I do, I am not exactly the pillar of success, I’m hopeful.  I’m learning so I’m hopeful.

So my thought?  What if you talk to him about all of this and see what he has to say?  You will have more information that is real to work with?

What do you think?

[SenshiAna]

@Kelley White: Oh wow, there's a lot to reply to! I'll try to cover as much as I can.

Got it! I'll make the exercises you propose right away!  I am a different person when I am around him. I tend to close myself up, and make some kind of a mask. He must have noticed it (guys pick this kind of vibe). I feel like I have got my ego doing the work, instead of the "higher me".  Usually, I am very affectionate and colorful - specially around animals and children - but around him I am so closed and stiff....

3 hours ago, Kelley White said:

If you are not in his mind, you don’t know whether he likes you or not unless you communicate.  That means risking rejection and that can be scary.

I did confront him, 3 months ago. I felt him leading me to a corner. I guess I was confusing him all along... He said "this is a friendship... for now". He left the door open, for hanging out and calling him, but only as a friend. I did make a lot of gaming, mainly because I didn't want to spoil things with him. So I kept following advice from other people, without following what I really wanted - that was being truthful to him.  The half-rejection felt like a relive. I felt my heart so open at that time but at the same time I felt a bucket full of cold water being emptied above my head. After "processing" it, after crying a LOT, for once I didn't follow the advice from my friends, who kept telling me I should start seeing other men, dating other men, etc. Instead I figured I wanted to build something more from here, with my friend: I feel he is a good man. The kind of guy that could make me happy, without making me loose myself. But yes, he's insecure. He has suffered as much, or even more than myself in the past - I was in a 7 years old relationship. I was the avoidant part, thought I recognize some clingy behavior from my behalf too. He was emotionally abusive, kept me 24/7 on the hook. He was so clingy I couldn't breath! After that, I had to fight with a "please let me love you dynamic": I kept running into men that sought comfort in me, were somehow lonely.... but didn't want to commit. So, when I felt really hurt, I put myself together and realized what I really wanted: a committed monogamous relationship, where I could receive as much as I was willing to give - love, respect, affection, support - without having to loose and sacrifice myself. And then, this friend re-appeared in my life and I kind of felt "he is the one"... and the "tango" started.

I felt so insecure, I kept asking for advice on "how to tango", and we started this very unpleasing game.... and we've been like this for one year and a half. 

Anyway, after the rejection I really tried to kind of.... start over. Open up to him - this is what my intuition keeps saying. Not shut him away, but open up to him. Keep telling him about what bothers me, about my perspective - which obviously he didn't get it. And I've also decided, above all, to settle the nasty stuff in my life that is preventing me from having the confidence to move this relationship to something bigger.

3 hours ago, Kelley White said:

Another thing I will throw out there?  We are focusing on the relationship intimacy, not physical intimacy. 

I am not so closed physically than I am emotionally. All these years I've been trying to get past emotional intimacy by increasing physical intimacy - with my former ex. It's as if the lack of connection and attraction (emotional) that I had could be filled up with more sex - he demanded that constantly. I had to make some detoxification from this habit after becoming single, since I found myself being used (like I said above). But the past, the being "used" is preventing me from being affectionate towards this friend. So I end up being closed both physical and emotionally - yeah, no wonder he's rejected me...

Anyway, I am happy to know you are in a happy and fulfilling relationship  I will try to ask for some help from him on this, because I really feel like he's worth it I'm worth it!!