Emotional Attachment with my girlfriend, can you share your view?

[Miguel Oliveira]

Hi all,

 

I'm on a relationship with a girl that I've known for 4 years. 

On the begining we had just casual things and I didn't want to get into a monogamous relationship. She loved me. I also loved her but on my mind what I wanted was many girls.

We "broke" up and she chatted some guys trying to find one that trigger the same thing that I trigerred her. Eventually she entered on a relationship that ended last year.

She came back to talk with me saying that from all the guys that she talked she never felt anything similar to what she felt for me and after some time we got into a relationship.

 

On the beginning I was accepting everything, I had that sexual attraction and everything was fine. I was on the honey moon phase.

Now after some time knowing each other, my traumas and lack of self esteem/confidence is coming up.

 

With this, I started to check her instagram every day seeing if she is still followings guys (she has a very good instagram, keeps getting masculine engagement). I even check if she likes their pictures. Guys that even I say that they are beatifull and atractive. 

This shows that I have confidence and insecurity issues.

When I am with her, she is many times of her phone just scrolling on instagram and facebook. My reaction is to look to her phone trying to see if she's liking other guys pics and even talk with them. This creates like a "controlling" vibe that as the time is going by I even started to feel that heaviness, always trying to know if she is talking, thinking, liking other guys.

I can say that I'm good looking but when comparing to the guys that she follows or even had talked in the past, that creates so heavy feelings within me. Just knowing that she talked with many guys, even just talking without kissing involved that creates so much reaction within me that then she notices. I shut up, I act strange with her. 

I know that I'm causing that to me but this feelings of insecurity, thinking that she talked with guys prettier than me, more attractive than me, makes me feel that I'm not good enough for her.

Makes me feel that she will replace me for one of them.

A good thing is that what I'm writing here we already talked about. She pointed that she was just like me on her previous relationship. This is emotional attachment.

She said that she loves me more that she loved any guy on the past. She had a lot of guys that wanted to be with her but she never felt anything like she felt for me. She choosed me above all the 6 pack, attractive macho guys. Everyday she shows how much she loves me and it's beatifull.

However, this lack of confidence, insecurity is making me reactive, strange, making me feel strong negative emotions that are becoming more noticiable than the love that I have for her.

 

I also note that for the majority of the day my focus is on this relationship and what she is doing. I work, I go to the gym but 90% of my focus is for her.

My sense of happiness isn't coming from me but is coming from this relationship, thus leading for me having insecurity and creating this aura between us.

 

I know that I should focus more on me, doing things that I love, building self confidence, pursuing emotional and spiritual gains. However when I try to do that I always have thoughts and feelings that are saying that I need to focus on what she is doing, if she still loves me, if she's not talking with anyone, thinking that she talked with attractive guys.

 

I know that almost everyone likes to chat. My female friends show that they talk with a lot guys just for the sake of talking, knowing each other, this doesn't create any reaction on me, I know that is normal. However when I think that my girlfriend also did that, go out on dates, talk to other guys I'm so reactive, I feel so much inside me. This is becoming so bad. I can't even enjoy the times that we are together.

 

This is creating suffering for me and for the relationship that I always wanted.

 

Do you have anything that can help me overcome this?

 

Thanks for the help guys.

 

[LastThursday]

Yeah I feel your pain. I think when you feel insecure in yourself and you're with someone you find beautiful, then it can be hard to believe it. It can be hard to believe that they find you beautiful back. You don't feel worthy of their love and you can't trust what they say because of it. You have to work on that. The best way to work on it, is to learn to love yourself for who you are. Imagine you are your girlfriend, what would you find attractive about yourself?

I've had a hot girlfriend once, and she would regularly go see single guy friends. One she went dancing with, and one was a chef and he would cook for her. It gnawed away it me, but I never said anything about it, because she had the right to talk to and be friends with whomever she liked, it was none of my business. She liked the fact that I trusted her, it allowed her to be herself and that's true love.

At the end of the day, she's with you and not some other man. And if she goes with some other man, then just move on.

[SgtPepper]

Emotional attachment with your partner is good in a relationship - not to the point of codependency - interdependent is the healthy version. 

- Book recommendation: Codependent No More for a deeper analysis

I think you need to lead and set boundaries, discuss together the vision you both have as a couple together. and if she is not with it, then drop her and find a woman who will align with your vision. 

She may be doing this because you have not really demonstrated to her that you want her in your life deeply, so she is probably keeping options open. The irony is she probably insecure about the relationship too. 

If you want your girl to commit to you, you're going to need to commit back, and your guys behavior need to be serving each other. This is the essence of a deep loving relationship. 

Otherwise, why else would she be scrolling looking at men and why are you scrolling looking at women? There is much deeper work to be done as a couple than scrolling through social media. 

Think about your whole self-actualization journey; now you need to do this in context of having a partner, like the relationship itself is its own ego.

I have been in a relationship for 10 years and I feel very secure about my partner - my partner scrolls through Pinterest on how to be a better woman for me: cooking recipes, house decoration, party planning, and her own career stuff. My point is, her focus is on us. 

*note* I don't mean to say you need to control your partner or force her to stop using instagram, but instead find a person who shares your vision. Once you explain your vision which will progressively deeper over the years, you will notice that she either agrees or does not, and vice versa. Let her explain what her vision is and do you agree with it?

You must let go of your selfishness if you want a committed partner. if you want to bang a bunch of girls, then go do that. 

[Miguel Oliveira]

43 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

Yeah I feel your pain. I think when you feel insecure in yourself and you're with someone you find beautiful, then it can be hard to believe it. It can be hard to believe that they find you beautiful back. You don't feel worthy of their love and you can't trust what they say because of it. You have to work on that. The best way to work on it, is to learn to love yourself for who you are. Imagine you are your girlfriend, what would you find attractive about yourself?

I've had a hot girlfriend once, and she would regularly go see single guy friends. One she went dancing with, and one was a chef and he would cook for her. It gnawed away it me, but I never said anything about it, because she had the right to talk to and be friends with whomever she liked, it was none of my business. She liked the fact that I trusted her, it allowed her to be herself and that's true love.

At the end of the day, she's with you and not some other man. And if she goes with some other man, then just move on.

Yeah, that's a practice that I do. Pointing what my qualities are. That helps me.

Amazing that you did that. That's my objective, however just thinking about my girl dancing with another guy triggers the shit out of me.

What's strange is that this happens just with this girl. On the past this didn't happen like is happening now.

 

Even now, we are texting and images, thoughts, feelings of her talking to another guys on the past are popping into my head. Sharing this in this way sound like I'm being neurotic, which probably is true.

I notice that and I know that this is just thoughts, however the pressure and heaviness on the feelings regarding this is being to much.

[Miguel Oliveira]

12 minutes ago, SgtPepper said:

Emotional attachment with your partner is good in a relationship - not to the point of codependency - interdependent is the healthy version. 

- Book recommendation: Codependent No More for a deeper analysis

I think you need to lead and set boundaries, discuss together the vision you both have as a couple together. and if she is not with it, then drop her and find a woman who will align with your vision. 

She may be doing this because you have not really demonstrated to her that you want her in your life deeply, so she is probably keeping options open. The irony is she probably insecure about the relationship too. 

If you want your girl to commit to you, you're going to need to commit back, and your guys behavior need to be serving each other. This is the essence of a deep loving relationship. 

Otherwise, why else would she be scrolling looking at men and why are you scrolling looking at women? There is much deeper work to be done as a couple than scrolling through social media. 

Think about your whole self-actualization journey; now you need to do this in context of having a partner, like the relationship itself is its own ego.

I have been in a relationship for 10 years and I feel very secure about my partner - my partner scrolls through Pinterest on how to be a better woman for me: cooking recipes, house decoration, party planning, and her own career stuff. My point is, her focus is on us. 

*note* I don't mean to say you need to control your partner or force her to stop using instagram, but instead find a person who shares your vision. Once you explain your vision which will progressively deeper over the years, you will notice that she either agrees or does not, and vice versa. Let her explain what her vision is and do you agree with it?

You must let go of your selfishness if you want a committed partner. if you want to bang a bunch of girls, then go do that. 

I don't think that on this case she is keep the options open. Our story goes a long way back and she being with me with all the options that she had is a strong indicator of the love that she has for me.

In my reality I scroll because I notice that when I'm alone with nothing to do this addiction comes up. Then if I see a beautifull girl I just like the photo only for that, not thinking more than that. 

She already share with me that she does the same.

 

One of her "dreams" let's say, is to be an instagram influecer. Not to get attention from boys (however I know that the ego loves attention, and she likes that too), but to create give aways, probably have a brand. Also taking photos is one of the things that she loves to do.

 

You share very good points on this.

 

On my reality I need to work on the insecurity and self esteem. When my self esteem was up there I know that I wouldn't bother if she liked an attractive guy photo, I even will encourage her because the guy is hot. However as I am at the moment this isn't the case.

I'm always afraid, imagining the guys the she talked (she was single, how da fuck I'm triggered by that), the guy that she had a makeout on one club. She was single, I also had makeouts, banged girls, this shouldn't bother me but in the end of the day it does bother me.

[LastThursday]

2 minutes ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

That's my objective, however just thinking about my girl dancing with another guy triggers the shit out of me.

That's normal and healthy, if you weren't triggered then I'd say you were in the wrong relationship.

Some women would even like to know that you're triggered by it, because it shows you're into them and you're prepared to fight for them. I don't like this sort of behaviour personally, but each to their own. Be aware that you may be being tested this way.

Anyway, either you trust your girlfriend or you don't. If you decide to trust her, then you have to keep a lid on your feelings and do it 100%. Just have clear boundaries for yourself, trust her, but if she messes about then cut things off immediately. Make it clear to her that's what you would do.

[Miguel Oliveira]

@LastThursday thanks, nice point.

 

We talked regarding this. She said that she is proving that she loves me everyday and it's true. However, I'm always changing my behaviour because she is for a long time just scrolling, other time liking a guys photo when I'm watching what's she is doing.

She more than one time said the if she likes the photo she will drop a like but doesn't mean that she wants to talk with the guy.

I do the same with the girls on my feed, If I like the photo and unconsciously drop a like.

 

I need to disengage with this feelings and thoughts, however is it so damn difficult eheh It's like this is something that is already a part of me, this fear, the jealous.

 

What do you suggest for me to do to increase the self love?

[LastThursday]

45 minutes ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

What do you suggest for me to do to increase the self love?

Man, that's a big question. It needs someone with more wisdom than me to answer it really. I would ask it as a separate question.

But being your own independent person helps. Do you have any activities, sports, hobbies or anything like that going on? Doing or buying nice things for yourself helps. Catching any negative self talk and stopping that helps (using meditation). Maybe daily positive affirmations. Dressing well, keeping hygenic and so on. Really, just being the best version of yourself you can be. Being actualized.

EDIT

The man himself has some advice in this area:

 

Edited June 7, 2021 by LastThursday

[Miguel Oliveira]

@LastThursday I'm going to the gym 3 times a week.

I have a meditation practice. 

Thanks for your help

[RendHeaven]

oof

[LastThursday]

1 hour ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

@LastThursday I'm going to the gym 3 times a week.

Erm... go to the gym 4 times a week? Sorry I got nothing else.

My only other observation is that couples will often copy each other as a form of bonding. If you're scrolling, then it gives your girlfriend a free pass for her to do it too (and vice versa). If you can lead by example and stop doing it yourself, maybe she will stop doing it too?

[Miguel Oliveira]

@LastThursday eheheh 

Yes it can happen. One carachterist of her is that she can't be in silence. She needs some type of stymulus, being scrolling the feed, working, watch tv, cookin, she cannot stop for a minute by herself.

 

I'm helping her with that eheh

Bought the power of now for her

[LastThursday]

6 minutes ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

Bought the power of now for her

That's real love right there. Hopefully she gets the hint. Anyway, I'm out of here. No more joking around. Good luck.

[intotheblack]

It sounds very much like you have an anxious attachment style and with that comes a fear of abandonment.  You can work on this, but an important thing for you is being with someone who has a secure attachment style.
Does your partner seem secure or avoidant? 
does she reassure you when you need it? 
try and figure out if this is the right relationship for you. 
I had a similar situation with an ex boyfriend, he was liking girls pictures and secretly messaging girls.  
So when I was upset about it, it seemed like I was the crazy and insecure one. But I was really naive at the time and blamed myself for being too needy, so I tried to ignore it for a while.  But that just made things worse and I ended up an anxious mess. 
so the important thing is having a compassionate and secure partner who you can open up to and talk about your fears with. 

[NoSelfSelf]

Love is free if she finds someone else expecially if shes attractive she will have many guys throwing at her so be it...this is controversial you should expect her entertain other guys if you find out in her vibe shes different have take it or leave it attitude...this is all easier said than done thats why we do spirituality

[universe]

This is some good self-reflection and it seems like you already know what you should be doing.

That is to release on the need for her to love you, to validate you. Also it seems like you either don't trust her or you guys are not very good at communicating. Does she say she loves you and does she say she isn't into instagram-boys? If yes, then why don't you trust her?

If my girl would be getting secretive about who she texts and likes on instagram while we are together she would either be playfully teasing me or be kicked out very soon.

Everyone has their own vision for how their relationship should be. It is also totally O.K. to tell her to stop talking with other guys if it makes you feel bad. Some relationships are quite open and some are quite closed, there is nothing more to say here.

 

And then of course there is the element of not getting lost in a train of thoughts. For example:

You see her on instagram and giggling > Is she flirting with someone?

You take her phone and see she likes pics > She is definitely flirting with him!

You make a joke and she doesn't laugh > She doesn't love me! She is dating him!

 

While what actually happend is you just made up a dream story that has nothing to do with reality. So be mindful not to get your imagination going crazy, that is why open communication can be great as it shuts these dreams down quite easily.

 

Now, I would invite you to take a step back.

There is a deeper story going on here and if you don't understand what is happening it will repeat itself over and over.

7 hours ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

This shows that I have confidence and insecurity issues.

There is a reason why you have these issues.

And the reason is not because you have so little self-love, a shitty girlfriend or because your mother didn't hug you enough as a child.

No. It is because you want to have confidence and insecurity issues.

 

You love feeling that way, it gives you security. It makes your life easier, or maybe you just like to be a victim. Or to feel less. I don't know exactly why, you will have to find that out yourself.

As soon as you understand that, you will be able to bath in and enjoy having these confidence and insecurity issues. Ah, don't they feel great? Cool... Then you will wonder what was so special about feeling that way. And you will move on. You will get bored by it.

And your identity will change to fit a new want, a new narrative. A conglomerate of new sets of beliefs, desires, wants and needs that is a mix of everything but confidence and insecurity issues.

That is real Growth

❤️

[Miguel Oliveira]

@LastThursday thanks, stay well

[Miguel Oliveira]

18 hours ago, intotheblack said:

It sounds very much like you have an anxious attachment style and with that comes a fear of abandonment.  You can work on this, but an important thing for you is being with someone who has a secure attachment style.
Does your partner seem secure or avoidant? 
does she reassure you when you need it? 
try and figure out if this is the right relationship for you. 
I had a similar situation with an ex boyfriend, he was liking girls pictures and secretly messaging girls.  
So when I was upset about it, it seemed like I was the crazy and insecure one. But I was really naive at the time and blamed myself for being too needy, so I tried to ignore it for a while.  But that just made things worse and I ended up an anxious mess. 
so the important thing is having a compassionate and secure partner who you can open up to and talk about your fears with. 

You are saying secure and reassurent in which manner? That she's there to listen me? Understand me?

If it is, yes, she is amazing. She even tries to understand my point of view. She already shared that in some situations she would react similarly.

 

Thanks for the answer

[Miguel Oliveira]

14 hours ago, universe said:

This is some good self-reflection and it seems like you already know what you should be doing.

That is to release on the need for her to love you, to validate you. Also it seems like you either don't trust her or you guys are not very good at communicating. Does she say she loves you and does she say she isn't into instagram-boys? If yes, then why don't you trust her?

Logically I know that I need to trust her. Everyday she shares with me how much I'm important to her, she's very cute on that sense .

I know that she isn't talking with any of that insta boys. However deep down, I have like an internal sense of negativity/fear/jealously that is always alert for one simple "wrong" behaviour. It's like I have an entity that it's always on the look out, stress out to know what is she doing.

 

14 hours ago, universe said:

And then of course there is the element of not getting lost in a train of thoughts. For example:

You see her on instagram and giggling > Is she flirting with someone?

You take her phone and see she likes pics > She is definitely flirting with him!

You make a joke and she doesn't laugh > She doesn't love me! She is dating him!

 

While what actually happend is you just made up a dream story that has nothing to do with reality. So be mindful not to get your imagination going crazy, that is why open communication can be great as it shuts these dreams down quite easily.

This is exactly what I'm going through. You got right to the point

I practice being present, disengage from thoughts. However on this relationships aspects (I have some deep traumas from my early childhood that are ingrained on me) I always very much triggered and it's difficult for me to separate from that thoughts. It's like I'm sucked to the thoughts and emotions, I'm one with them. Even when I try to be present, the sense of unity to that thoughts and emotions is to strong for me to separate from that.

This is where I need to focus and work on, it isn't easy.

Did you have something like this on the past?

 

14 hours ago, universe said:

Now, I would invite you to take a step back.

There is a deeper story going on here and if you don't understand what is happening it will repeat itself over and over.

23 hours ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

This shows that I have confidence and insecurity issues.

There is a reason why you have these issues.

And the reason is not because you have so little self-love, a shitty girlfriend or because your mother didn't hug you enough as a child.

No. It is because you want to have confidence and insecurity issues.

 

You love feeling that way, it gives you security. It makes your life easier, or maybe you just like to be a victim. Or to feel less. I don't know exactly why, you will have to find that out yourself.

As soon as you understand that, you will be able to bath in and enjoy having these confidence and insecurity issues. Ah, don't they feel great? Cool... Then you will wonder what was so special about feeling that way. And you will move on. You will get bored by it.

And your identity will change to fit a new want, a new narrative. A conglomerate of new sets of beliefs, desires, wants and needs that is a mix of everything but confidence and insecurity issues.

That is real Growth

❤️

What do you suggest for me to do to reach out that conclusions? Self inquiry? Meditation?

 

Thanks for your response, it was very revealing for me

[universe]

On 8.6.2021 at 4:39 PM, Miguel Oliveira said:

Did you have something like this on the past?

Sure, many times.

I just don't dwell in thoughts too much anymore. Face the fear head on and become O.K. with the worst case scenario. These stories will loose their grip on you. Realize how these downwards spirals feel and if they really benefit your life.

 

On 8.6.2021 at 4:39 PM, Miguel Oliveira said:

What do you suggest for me to do to reach out that conclusions? Self inquiry? Meditation?

 

Thanks for your response, it was very revealing for me

It's a shift in perspective. Have you ever held a certain perspective about something you care deeply about and then something happened which never let you see the thing in the same light again?

This is what we want to achieve here, nothing less.

You will have to let go of that worldview, thoughts, beliefs. Let go of the one who holds that perspective. Saying "It's allright, you can go now". Bye bye forever.

The question is do you really want to?

Emotional Mastery, Self-Love and Truth are good helpers to smooth out the transitioning phase.

Always there for you.

❤️