Building Confidence

[Julian Fernando]

A few years ago I suffered from social anxiety. I avoided social situations and speaking to people because my impression was that others were judging me. You guys knowing me as I am today would probably not think that due to the changes I have made. I had this desire to be more outgoing and connect with people yet I felt like something was holding me back. Maybe some of you can relate, for some of us it is a slight fear of being in awkward moments, for others it can be more crippling.

I remember being invited to someone house yet I stayed home because of my fear. "What are others going to think about me?" "how may I mess up this situation?" These were some of the thoughts running through my mind. I remember a specific instance where I was laying on the couch, numbing out to junk food while watching Netflix. I felt terrible. I hated myself. I was angry.  I knew something had to change, yet I kept distracting myself.

I became curious about my fears and wondered how I could overcome them. I made a decision to take three steps outside my comfort zone every day.  I began small by approaching strangers and asking them for the time. I gave strangers compliments, sharing what it is I genuinely appreciate about them and sparking conversations were we talked about our favourite superhero's. Over time my comfort zone expanded and the things that used to scare me ended up getting easier. The more I stepped outside my comfort zone, the easier it became and the more fun I had. At a later stage I pushed myself by dancing in public place all alone and singing songs to strangers. Through this process I realized that when I do that which I fear and I face it, it stops having control over me.

Not only did I challenge myself socially but I took an honest look at my life and my habits. I found that having empowering habits in my life was key to building my confidence. Every night before going to bed I would journal about what went well during the day and the challenges that I did and what I have learned. I began meditating, learning to calm down my mind. Moreover, I was working out several times a week, and implemented a daily reading habit of books that truly inspired me,

In the beginning of my journey I had many doubts about my ability to make a change. I remember feeling stuck and being so identified with my problem that I had a hard time imagining what it would be like to live without it. I stayed consistent with the comfort zone expanding exercises and habits. As time progressed I was seeing small changes in my ability to relate with people, my base line energy level and overall confidence. These motivated me even more to keep moving forward.

One of my fears was being weird and awkward. By stepping outside my comfort zone daily I was facing that which I feared. I learned to be compassionate with myself and not see mistakes as failures, instead as opportunities to learn. By changing my perspectives I felt freer inside because now making mistakes was ok and I knew that no matter what happened I knew I could handle the emotion, allow it to be there and then let it go. Whereas in the beginning it felt like I had to push myself outside of my comfort zone over time it became enjoyable and I learned to embrace and enjoy the discomfort.

The principle that helped me most on my journey was the 1% rule.  Through my daily journaling practice, writing down what went well and what I learned I had the intention to improve every day just by 1%. If I had just improved by 1% that day than I could allow myself to go to bed with a good feeling, knowing that something good happened and that I learned something new. From my experience social anxiety is something that can be overcome. Yet I want to make something clear. This is not a quick fix solution. It required me to take an honest look at my self and take consistent action of the course of many months.

Oh and just so you know, I am not free of social anxiety. I still get it. What you may think? You have done all these crazy comfort zone challenges and you still get social anxiety? Yes that is right I still get it from time to time. And I learned that this is ok. What has changed is my attitude towards it. Instead of judging and condemning myself for having it, I allow it be there and realize it is part of being human. I make mistakes as I am human just like you. I am not perfect by any means. I learned that true confidence actually is not about pretending to be confident rather it is living in congruence with your values. It is the ability to open up and share your vulnerabilities.

 

If you have social anxiety here are my three recommendations

• Find someone who has overcome it and ask them to support you on your journey. Committ to stepping outside your comfort zone daily
• Commit to implementing empowering habits that helps you clam down your mind, relax your body and develop a positive attitude towards life
• Define compelling goals for your life and take daily steps towards them

 

This was the story about how I overcame my social anxiety. Feel free to share the struggles of your paths and the insights you have had along your way.

Edited June 7, 2021 by Julian Fernando
Making adjustments to the layout

[Kalki Avatar]

There are many type of confidences. 

But, to build core confidence is equal to having a strong ego personality. It means you have to be ignorant and blind of perception. You need to be very deluded into your own beliefs. That way you build a stable strong ground in your consciousness, but it means being ignorant. 

Easiest way to get high levels of rock confidence? Stop doing consciousness work and self Inquiry. Get yourself into challenging situations, like being around gansgters enviornments, going to war, being in conflict, etc. 

Do I recommend this? No. But its how unshakable confidence is built. Im just telling you how I got mine. The benefits are that is useful for social situations and some other occasions. But is extremely limiting. You have to be deeply unconscious and it can get you into trouble. 

If you are in the spiritual path, you should go fully within until liberation. Other wise you will get into more trouble. Self development work can help a lil bit to build confidence, but it wont build rock solid warrior like confidence/certainty (ignorance of reality) . That confidence is built by surviving difficult situations, which build strong self-belief. 

Edited June 18, 2021 by Kalki Avatar