Interpretation of my experience during meditation? No awakening.

[Endangered-EGO]

Thanks to you guys,I managed to go through the nauseous cloudy feeling in my Body! Awakening?

Okay, so I mentioned that sometimes when I am close to awakening this rotten feeling of discomfort comes through my Body, and I always used to stop when it occured and then felt bad about it. Today I went through with it. I just let it expand and noticed the fear and feeling of unease expecting an awakening or some kind of mystical experience, my heart started pounding and then: nothing happened.

I expected some fireworks at the end of going through that thing I struggled with for months, but nothing at all, my heart calmed down and I just continued meditating. Then after my meditation app stopped I sat there for a while, eyes closed, and I don't entirely remember what happened (even though it was 10 minutes ago). But the darkness in front of my eyes became white and I was kind of absorbed into that "loud silence" After a few minutes I opened my eyes and was really confused looking around the room, I got a little bit nervous and then my normal sense of self returned. No bliss, no dream-awakening, no pleasure, no pain, no nothingness. What is that "experience" I went through? I did self-inquiry followed by 20 minutes breath-concentration practice. How am I supposed to classify it, if I cannot remember it correctly? Is that cessation? A jhana? A seizure (I hope not lol)?

[kinesin]

It sounds to me like you had a certain threshold where anxiety would start to emerge, and this time you simply allowed it to happen and by doing so, you realized that it was just an 'empty threat' all along.  I'd imagine that after this, you might not even notice it but you'll probably have reduced anxiety in some situations which might previously have caused you discomfort.  You managed to let go of a real fear.

As for the 2nd part, it seems that after letting go of that fear you were able to get into a deeper state of concentration than you had before, and you fell into a trancelike state.  I used to have those experiences myself during meditation, and for me it was in part because my attention was very tightly focused on certain senses such as my hearing or my vision.  It was a little like pointing a camera at a screen displaying the camera output and creating an infinite loop, or like holding a microphone up to a speaker and getting feedback which keeps growing in intensity.  If you're able to do that, I'd take that as a sign that you've developed quite good concentration and no longer need to train your focus by forcing it to remain on a single thing.  When you snap out of such an experience it's expected to feel a little disorientated.  For me now when I meditate, my focus shifts around naturally from thing to thing, and I simply watch it move around.  One moment it'll be on my hearing, the next on my breath, then my vision etc etc.

[Endangered-EGO]

3 hours ago, kinesin said:

It sounds to me like you had a certain threshold where anxiety would start to emerge, and this time you simply allowed it to happen and by doing so, you realized that it was just an 'empty threat' all along.  I'd imagine that after this, you might not even notice it but you'll probably have reduced anxiety in some situations which might previously have caused you discomfort.  You managed to let go of a real fear.

As for the 2nd part, it seems that after letting go of that fear you were able to get into a deeper state of concentration than you had before, and you fell into a trancelike state.  I used to have those experiences myself during meditation, and for me it was in part because my attention was very tightly focused on certain senses such as my hearing or my vision.  It was a little like pointing a camera at a screen displaying the camera output and creating an infinite loop, or like holding a microphone up to a speaker and getting feedback which keeps growing in intensity.  If you're able to do that, I'd take that as a sign that you've developed quite good concentration and no longer need to train your focus by forcing it to remain on a single thing.  When you snap out of such an experience it's expected to feel a little disorientated.  For me now when I meditate, my focus shifts around naturally from thing to thing, and I simply watch it move around.  One moment it'll be on my hearing, the next on my breath, then my vision etc etc.

@kinesin I just asked the same thing in a shinzen young forum, I was told that this could be the 4th jhana (equanimity).

And apparently this purification of the rotten feeling is part of the purgatory in abrahamic religion. The first time i felt that was the fear of nothingness/dark night of the soul. This disgusting energy in my body.

Yes you're right, now that I've been through it, I guess that I don't have to fear it anymore. I always backed off before.

Now unfortunately I didn't have any change in perception or enlightenment, but I might have digested a part of my shadow.

But damn why does that feel so bad. It's not an emotion or a bodily sensation, I honestly can only describe it as a rotten burning sensation.

[The0Self]

@Endangered-EGO You simply described a fleeting state of stillness. Practice going deeper into them until jhana arises, at which point it’s all over, you’ll never stop meditating daily for the rest of your life.

[Endangered-EGO]

@The0Self This was the 4th jhana apparently, I am unfortunately not really able to enter the first one. Years ago, I was able to have Access concentration and had a lot of piti and could enter it briefly but now, I have barely any piti/pleasure, and my access concentration doesn't seem to be nearly as good as years ago.

[Ry4n]

On 6/7/2021 at 0:26 AM, Endangered-EGO said:

"loud silence"

The loud silence sounds exactly like my meditation experiences, it's so silent that it's powerful, unperturbed by anything, allowing everything. I would say (as flakey as this sounds) to simply feel your way into whatever mental space that is and to fully and completely surrender to it, allowing everything including the fear.