How to trust; to let go of your need to prepare?

[Nightwise]

Hiya fellow actualizers!

There is a certain matter that I'm struggling with a little bit right now, and instead of being the person giving the (often elaborate) advice or perspectives or whatever, I thought I'd humble myself and actually ask for some advice or perspectives myself.

Because I know that from my own experience I don't always like to fully read through an elaborate and detailed post, I will include a summary version of what I mean at the bottom of this post. However, it would really help if you were to read the full post because then it will be much more clear to you what the situation is that I'm in and what perspectives or advice I would benefit from.

Okay so here is the situation:

There are certain vulnerabilities and attachments that I have of which I'm resisting the very fact that they're even there. One example is that I'm for whatever reason very afraid of (very) cold water. It's a vulnerability which I find difficult accept that's even there, as I would like to see myself as a person who is detached and 'invulnerable' enough that he cannot be deeply moved or touched by events on the phenomenal plane. Even though I would like to see myself as that, it is simply as of yet just not the case.

I've had the desire for a while now to simply train myself in this area by taking showers that I would turn gradually colder over time (both in the longer term (weeks/months) as in the same shower session), but basically every time I think about doing this there is a kneejerk contraction response in my system (basically fight/flight/freeze) which I don't want to force myself through and do it anyway. I've done that before and doing it like that is pretty awful plus it doesn't really solve anything.

Interestingly enough, there was one time a couple of months back where for whatever reason I was indeed taking a shower (starting off as a regular warm shower, mind you), and then I did gradually turn the temperature cooler and cooler and I was able to stay connected and present with myself without going into this fight or flight response, and this changed the whole quality of the experience of something I associated with something that was awful to something that just 'is'. I however haven't been able to find that same kind of response since then.

What makes it even more difficult for me is if I imagine this: That if I just so happened to be in a situation where I was being held captive and those who were capturing me were threatening me to basically torture me by putting me in a cold shower or bath or whatever unless I were to do as they commanded, that I would be too frightened and I would budge and do as they would tell me even if those things they were telling me to do would be some horrible things, just because the alternative would seem even more terrifying. I would simply be a puppet being able to be easily controlled because of fear. I don't want that to happen which is why I have the tendency to resist the very fact that I have this vulnerability towards cold water.

What doesn't make it easier for me is that I have a history with mental-emotional vulnerabilities in my life, and I've had three distinct phases or crisises which all of them were quite dark, with the last one in particular being very dark and painful. Something that I also noticed was present (or actually wasn't present) was the fact that I was much more sensitive and vulnerable to sensations like sounds, certain sights, certain smells, and also certain physical feelings. Those things could hit me much harder. As Shunyamurti would call it, my "emotional immune system" was down. Everything would hit much harder. So there's once again this fear that a dark phase like that could happen again where my EIS (emotional immune system) is down and that on top of that I would be in a situation where I would be forced to encounter circumstances where I would be forced to face the circumstances I would feel very vulnerable and sensitive towards, making it in my mind seem like some horrible ordeal which I need to prepare myself for, making it difficult for me to accept the fact that some vulnerabilities, particularly the one regarding cold water, are even here to begin with now that I'm otherwise relatively stable.

You might argue with me that these fears are irrational, and they might indeed be to some extent, but what I do know from experience is that if there is a God, that he/she/it doesn't always provide a cushion for me to protect me from the very harsh and painful experiences of life. It simply isn't the case. I know that the depth of suffering I've experienced is theoretically possible once again in the future, and naturally there then is this fear and this need that I need to be prepared in case something like that would happen again, and that makes it very difficult to just let go and trust that life will take care of itself and I need not to worry about it.

I've only known God or divinity to be with me at certain moments. You could argue that it is otherwise, but this is simply my experience so a theoretical argument or discussion about this isn't going to serve me. There have been prolonged moments where I have been able to stay much more connected to this 'ground of Being', and then indeed everything is good, there is trust and nothing needs to be prepared for or trained in (even though I could make such a choice out of freedom), and there have been prolonged moments where I have not been able to have that same connection and ability to let-go and connect to the Divine, no matter how much I tried.

Then, with all of that being said, how can I really go about with all the experiences that I've had to just say to myself that I just need to 'let go and trust that life will take care of itself'? I simply haven't personally experienced that there are really these justifications to trust that all that will be will be taken care of without me not needing to have any anxiety about it. Of course, it's not helpful to be anxious about that, but I don't find myself having logical or sensible support for the quality that is Trust. That's why I feel the need to prepare for the worst, making me unnecessarily tense and hard towards the aspects of myself that aren't as strong as stable, because vulnerability is not seen as something valuable; quite the opposite.

So: How do I trust and allow life to take care of itself, how can I start to embrace my vulnerabilities and attachments that I have, and how can I let go of this need  to prepare and train myself most the time (not that I do that most of the time, but the feeling of need for it is there most of the time)?

Really even more fundamentally: How do I love and accept all of myself fully? Even those parts that aren't strong and stable?

Summary:

Vulnerability is seen as something unwishable and unwantable. There is this need to prepare for the worst because I fear that if I don't, I would be totally overwhelmed and suffer deeply if I were to somehow be forced to face the things I am vulnerable in because I hadn't prepared. This makes it difficult for me to accept and embrace the fact that right now there are certain areas in my life that I am very vulnerable in and attached to. I have difficulty with the attitude 'just let go and trust that life will take care of itself', because I have no personal experience in life working out for me in that way.

The basic questions I have are: How do I trust and let go? How do I let go of this need to prepare? How do I love and accept even the parts that are weak and vulnerable? Are there perspectives or advice that you guys would think would benefit me?

I'd love to hear from ya 

Edited June 6, 2021 by Nightwise

[Zigzag Idiot]

1 hour ago, Nightwise said:

The basic questions I have are: How do I trust and let go? How do I let go of this need to prepare? How do I love and accept even the parts that are weak and vulnerable? Are there perspectives or advice that you guys would think would benefit me?

@Nightwise I see myself in a lot of what you describe. In the past I’ve seen where thinking too much has unnecessarily created anxiety. Thinking too much means I’m stuck in my head and detached from Being. One remedy for this is to sense the physicality of the body and find or reconnect with the hara. When the locus of my experience is felt to be either there or close by in the belly or sometimes possibly in the heart, there is a reconnection with being that is absent when I’m thinking too much. I can say only what is right for me. You might need other ideas or answers for a solution to what you seek. I hope this little bit of what I’ve shared can be of use though.

Just speaking for myself. When my intention is to express from being instead of mind and there is the felt sense that I’m doing so, I feel clarity and a sense of trust that everything will work out. This contrasts from times when I’m thinking too much. Doubt and confusion then seems to surround everything in my experience with the mind chattering away offering up doom scenarios almost continuously.

If what I’ve written resonates. The following two links contain many relevant quotes.

https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/basic-trust

https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/being

 

[LastThursday]

On 06/06/2021 at 1:03 PM, Nightwise said:

The basic questions I have are: How do I trust and let go? How do I let go of this need to prepare?

Learn to be present as much as possible. Rumination and over analysis is not being present. The greatest tool for doing this is learning to stop that inner voice (subvocalisation); meditation is a good way to do this, as well as hypnosis. It can also be done through distraction, but that's less effective. Notice that there are times when you're not mentally preparing things, what's special about those times? What triggers the need to mentally prepare?

I have been there, I used to do this chronically and it used to cause me a lot of anxiety. But it's definitely a habit that you can unlearn.

Edited June 8, 2021 by LastThursday