I Need Some Help With One Of My Biggest Insecurities

[Guest username]

As I have read through countless thousands of articles on personal development, lifestyle, psychology, and relationships, there is one recurring element that has caused me quite a bit of distress. Countless sources will claim that having relationships is an essential ingredient to a fulfilling life. Over time, I have internalized this more and more though I  am trying to resolve the issue through consciousness work.

I have become somewhat aware of how much of a trap this, and that even while they be enjoyable, they can never offer true satisfaction like a connection to reality can. However, this is a pretty deeply rooted insecurity that stems from years of rejection and unsuccessful relationships.

I am looking for some help busting past this limiting belief that I need abundant and deep relationships with highly developed people  if I am to truly be fulfilled and happy.

Also, is it worthwhile to focus on this by improving my social skills and getting results, or is it more direct to simply do consciousness work?

Edited November 9, 2016 by username

[Bizarre]

8 minutes ago, username said:

As I have read through countless thousands of articles on personal development, lifestyle, psychology, and relationships, there is one recurring element that has caused me quite a bit of distress. Countless sources will claim that having relationships is an essential ingredient to a fulfilling life. Over time, I have internalized this more and more though I  am trying to resolve the issue through consciousness work.

Psychology is the realm of samsara.  There is nothing conscious about it.  It's all mechanics and its designed to get you to function in the society you find yourself in.  It helps in so much that it equips you to go for certain things, but to reap the spiritual rewards from your goals you eventually need to understand the lessons inherent in those experiences.  Mainly that nothing in samsara can lead to lasting fulfillment because nothing here is True.  It's only relatively true.  Try making things work in samsara and I guarantee you now that it will never happen.  

 

11 minutes ago, username said:

abundant and deep relationships with highly developed people  if I am to truly be fulfilled and happy.

Obviously, as I mentioned, this is a fantasy.  But knowing its a fantasy doesnt stop you going for it despite you knowing that it's not true.  We're conditioned and hard wired to seek.  But my teacher says "sin intelligently" which means be mindful of the zero sum nature of samsaric life and remain vigilant so that you assimilate the lessons into your subconscious and rewire your thinking so that its in harmony with the truth as it reveals itself time and time again through repeated ups and downs.

15 minutes ago, username said:

 Also, is it worthwhile to focus on this by improving my social skills and getting results, or is it more direct to simply do consciousness work?

The bizarre thing is, once you just allow yourself to act but understand that you are not entitled to the results you want, this attitude will drastically increase your confidence and social skills purely because you're learning to not give a fuck anymore - in a positive way living as an increasingly free person in the world rather than a resignation to defeat.

If liberation is your goal, you cannot lose.  But if you're looking to win and get everything you want in samsara, be prepared to be disappointed.

[Guest username]

@GTITurbolover Thanks so much. You reminded me of the whole meaning of my Karma Yoga practice as well as pointing to me that I was letting relative truths distract me from the Absolute.

Liberation is my goal. I won't lose.

[Frogfucius]

@username I'm right there with ya, buddy. I've been fed that BS as well. That I need deep, connecting friendships. That I need to meet a lover who will be my everything, and vice versa and so forth. It’s a common theme among self-development.

But then, in a state of mind where I supposedly am purely responsible for my fulfillment and successes and failures, that still puts things to fate and chance, and in somebody else’s hands. How am I necessarily going to find someone who is going be stable for the rest of my time? How will I know I’m not dealing with backstabbers? How am I sure that people are going to be authentic, in the way that I supposedly am? How am I going to know I have enough deep, satisfying relationships in order to be happy? What’s setting the limit, and how will I know when I get there?

This built a type of neuroses in my mind. A type of neuroses where I felt like I was always chasing something I felt I lacked, and yet something that is supposedly going to fulfill me, because others have said so.

As Alan Watts put it, once you finally give up on something, that’s when you become masterful at it/get results. Reaching that point of not caring is not so easy, because it’s like trying to get a one-up on yourself.

Letting go of the need for outside fulfillment from relationships is an extremely tough thing to do, but it can be done. Find out what’s true for you Why do you feel like you need it? What is causing those thoughts? Why do you think it will fulfill you and be better than what you already have? Where does all of this stem from? Get to the very root of it. Unearth every unpleasant emotion and feeling, let all of it bubble from the subconscious to the conscious.

[WelcometoReality]

@username Like any desire it's just a belief that it will make you happy once you get it but have that ever been true in your past experience? Have it given you an everlasting happiness?

[Bizarre]

The Fundamental Problem And The Four Human Pursuits

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, username said:

I am looking for some help busting past this limiting belief that I need abundant and deep relationships with highly developed people  if I am to truly be fulfilled and happy.

So, this here is generally the trap of materialism. Which is... buying into the idea that external circumstances can fulfill you.

It's really hard to overcome this intellectually. What you can do is try to live out materialism and see that it never actually succeeds.

For example, you can go be in 10 relationships and realize that it's still not really what you're seeking.

Also you can try contemplating this question:

"How will having abundant deep relationships change -- in any way -- the present moment?"

If you contemplate that, you should realize that it won't. You'll still be left with only the present moment. And the present moment is always empty, no matter how much you try to fill it with "stuff". The "stuff" is always temporary.

[Live Life Liam]

12 hours ago, username said:

As I have read through countless thousands of articles on personal development, lifestyle, psychology, and relationships, there is one recurring element that has caused me quite a bit of distress. Countless sources will claim that having relationships is an essential ingredient to a fulfilling life. Over time, I have internalized this more and more though I  am trying to resolve the issue through consciousness work.

I have become somewhat aware of how much of a trap this, and that even while they be enjoyable, they can never offer true satisfaction like a connection to reality can. However, this is a pretty deeply rooted insecurity that stems from years of rejection and unsuccessful relationships.

I am looking for some help busting past this limiting belief that I need abundant and deep relationships with highly developed people  if I am to truly be fulfilled and happy.

Also, is it worthwhile to focus on this by improving my social skills and getting results, or is it more direct to simply do consciousness work?

Think Leo said it the best. The best advice to truly see that materialism doesn't fulfil you is to experience having the things you once craved and seeing your emotional state has not changed. I notice that a lot of people who believe either fame, sex, love or anything else will complete them have not experienced those things themselves. 

The problem is that you might waste a lot of time to seek them just to realise that it was a fraud game all along so I recommend contemplating why you need them without seeking relationships for years. 

If you look back on your unsuccessful relationships though you will notice that its not that the fact that they are bad and you need to find the one "good"one but that maybe you were relying on them to fill a hole inside you.

I have been through this process so that is why I'm telling you because even though I could see my whole life how lots of material things or fame didn't work for happiness I was definitely conditioned by the culture I am in to believe after you find your soul mate is when I can be happy.

OH BOY how I was woken up to a rude awakening...

A lot of the things your told you need for happiness are false. Look deeply into yourself and discover what we are telling you here as its probably one of the best insights to have.

I wish you the very best on your journey.

[Dodo]

1 hour ago, Live Life Liam said:

Think Leo said it the best. The best advice to truly see that materialism doesn't fulfil you is to experience having the things you once craved and seeing your emotional state has not changed. I notice that a lot of people who believe either fame, sex, love or anything else will complete them have not experienced those things themselves. 

The problem is that you might waste a lot of time to seek them just to realise that it was a fraud game all along so I recommend contemplating why you need them without seeking relationships for years. 

If you look back on your unsuccessful relationships though you will notice that its not that the fact that they are bad and you need to find the one "good"one but that maybe you were relying on them to fill a hole inside you.

I have been through this process so that is why I'm telling you because even though I could see my whole life how lots of material things or fame didn't work for happiness I was definitely conditioned by the culture I am in to believe after you find your soul mate is when I can be happy.

OH BOY how I was woken up to a rude awakening...

A lot of the things your told you need for happiness are false. Look deeply into yourself and discover what we are telling you here as its probably one of the best insights to have.

I wish you the very best on your journey.

I think that having a relationship with your own self is the best policy. Cause you can never lose that. Right? Everything else is a lottery.

[Live Life Liam]

10 minutes ago, Dodoster said:

I think that having a relationship with your own self is the best policy. Cause you can never lose that. Right? Everything else is a lottery.

Yes exactly