Overcoming Social Anxiety

[Julian Fernando]

Hey everyone, I used to have social anxiety and it impacted my life quite severely. I will share with you what I did to overcome it as I am sure it might be of a lot of value, especially to those who want to overcome this problem. Well, for many years after knowing I had social anxiety I read about it, thought about it, talked about it etc. But what struck me is that non of these things actually seemed to help me. I wondered how come I have this issue and why does it not seem to go away? I was envying those people with loads of confidence that could just naturally talk to people, connect and make friends. And here I was (I am an introvert by nature) being shy and quiet most of the time.

The thing is that deep inside I had this longing to be more social and to make friends easily. I wanted to be more charismatic, a likeable person that enters the room, that talks to people and is outgoing and has fun. I knew it was possible and I was willing to do whatever it takes. So I did. A while now I have committed to do 3 small steps outside my comfort zone every day. It started out with asking strangers for the time (that was already huge for me back then). I just kept at it every single day and slowly but steadily my comfort zone kept expanding. The people who I knew in the past can barely even recognize me any longer. "what happened to you?" they say. "you have changed so much". What was scary at first has turned into a life long passion of mine. By confronting my fears something interesting happened... They suddenly stopped having control over me.

I am curious to hear about what your experience with social anxiety is. Where are you on your journey? What have you done to overcome it? And what were some of the struggles you have been having?

[aaalex]

I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, I can't say it's all gone but I am taking huge steps! I have ADHD and features of Autism aswell, so I hope my perspective will help in somehow!

Expose yourself to social situations / social gatherings are crucial, it's the most scary solution but definately most effective. You also have to be OK that you sometimes will be awkard or even weird when you try in the beginning. Try not be discouraged by this and just move on if it happens. Overthinking this is counterintuitive and will make you scared to try again. One of the BEST videos out there with a technique I use almost everyday with everyday life but especially with social anxiety is this gem that Leo posted. We all know it by now as Let Go.
 

It could be as "simple" as taking your lunch break in the kitchen at work (if you have possibility of going to work during Covid-19) instead of hiding away and eating alone somewhere else. Or start to greet nearby collegues or strangers that walk pass you. You are already doing a great work asking random people of the time, It's quite a different but simple approach you have there. 

Relate to the humanity in all humans, this will help you relate to people more which will create a more natural flow in the conversation you are having. Because of my autistic spectrum I've never really thought people were that interesting because of my over-rationalizing and over-analyzing side. It actually got worse when I started my spiritual journey as there is only a small percentage of people who actually does this work so I got way too selective with people. When I started swifting that into realizing that even if me and my co-worker almost had nothing in common we had one thing in common: our humanity. BONUS TIP: I've noticed that people LOVE to talk about themselves, by revealing something about yourself (small or big) you will help other people relate to YOU! 

Tell jokes, have fun and spread love / positivity! I believe everyone loves to have a laugh or to have something loving said to them because this feels more close to our natural state. I struggled so much with how sarcasm / irony worked because of my diagnoses + I was bullied in school til I was 12 years old so I had no idea how to talk with people I wasn't related to. Today, I love to laugh with people and put a smile on their face! If you think the joking part is too complicated at this point, try giving a compliment (not a fake one, alot of people can feel when you just say something nice for the sake of it and that backfires immediately) to the person you are talking with. It can be a simple "You look so happy today!" or encouraging / supporting them if they tell you something they overcame in a situation for example, if you don't want to come from a shallow way like complimenting their apperance or whatever. Don't overthink though - love is love, regardless of which approach that resonates with you.

Be honest with your intentions, why do you want to be viewed like this?

On 2021-06-06 at 9:50 AM, Julian Fernando said:

 

The thing is that deep inside I had this longing to be more social and to make friends easily. I wanted to be more charismatic, a likeable person that enters the room, that talks to people and is outgoing and has fun. I knew it was possible and I was willing to do whatever it takes.

Why is it important for you how others percieve you and to be liked? Do you really want friends for genuine connections? Or may there be an underlying issue that stems from a lack of self-love or not feeling like you are enough as you are? If there is an underlying issue, then being more confident and likeable will not fix your problem, you are just pushing away the real reason to why you want to fix this issue from the outside. Don't get me wrong - there is nothing wrong with wanting to have genuine connections but wouldn't you want for people to like you for who you "really" are? Is this really important to you? For example, I want to help people on my journey to self love = so being able to just talk to people without draining my own energy is something that fits in with one of my life purposes with what I want to with the brief time I am here.

Be careful trying to push an idea of how you should be, just because society / other people tells us that this is what makes an person successful and happy. I've become so much more confident in myself after more self-love, accepting me for me. First then, other people will be able to see you for you and also accept you for who you are. You are one of God's infinite perspectives, so there is nothing wrong nor right if you don't have all of these traits in your personality naturally. You also need to accept that not everyone will like you and that is OK, because you probably feel the same with someone in particular too. Not that you hate that person but sometimes, the energy will not match and if you want to be more loving in your life: you could see it as a gift because not trying to push something that is not meant for you will create more space for everything that is meant for you.

The paradox is that you can be whatever you want to be, because there is really no "You" to begin with. But sometimes trying to be something that does not come natural to you in your own direct expereince can do more harm and can leave you quite confused, forgetting what you really want. I happened to learn this the hard way.

Most of all: stop overthinking everything, I don't know if you actually do this but I have found similarities between people who just have social anxiety and people like me who have diagnoses which often then results in social anxiety to overthink everything all the time. It's EXHAUSTING!

If you switch sides, when someone is acting "weird" or maybe out of place: for how long do you think about that after it has happened? I think we all can agree on that we are our own biggest critics, and usually when it comes to others we are so much more accepting and usually do not reflect that much about others like we do about ourselves. People are usually very occupied with their own thoughts and so are we, when we chose to not be conscious! And if you happen to met a conscious human you will see that they wouldn't give a shit about how you are, because everything is exactly how it's supposed to be! 

 

There is so much more but I have found these tips help me the most, which lays a foundation where it has started to happend me more naturally and with a more autenthic, genuine approach in connecting with other people. Feel free to PM if you want to know more or ask questions. Good luck with overcoming your social anxiety. Love.