Sexual Shame

[EmptyInside]

Been doing a lot of introspection, suffering, trying to get to the root. I grew up in a very strict religious household. What I'm having to really face right now, and it's rough, (and a disclaimer that I'm going to share some very personal stuff) is that I have lingering and debilitating sexual shame. It's the soul killing kind of shame. It has fueled addictions, it has led to hopelessness, despair, loneliness, so many bad chapters of my life and I'm just now, at 46, facing that this is the root cause. What is the root cause of the root cause? My upbringing. And, yes I have an average sized "package". I know there are plenty of guys out there, "average" "below average" even just flat out "tiny" who embrace and enjoy their sexuality, shame free. How did they manage to be able to do that? What's the difference? Parenting they received? Perceptions shaped in childhood. The church I went to from a very young age was on the more extreme side of a very strict literal interpretation of the bible complete with pounding fists on pulpits delivering hellfire and brimstone sermons. The subject of a lot of those sermons was "sex" and "sin'. Neither of my parents ever talked to me about sex. It was not discussed other than in the context of "sin". My mother was emotionally supportive. She was very religious, but she didn't use religion to shame. She was looking for answers, for truth. I still respect that. I don't think she ever found those answers, or maybe she did, maybe some do. She got Early Onset Alzheimer's and passed away in 2012, very young for that type of thing. My dad on the other hand, used shame as a weapon. It's part of his communication style. He shames. He's angry a lot. He hurls bible verses and like bullets of condemnation. There was no healthy father son relationship ever. He was gone a lot on business trips when I was a child. He was completely consumed with becoming a success during my formative years, and he did become a success from a financial perspective, but there was never a loving father son relationship. I always felt from him, discontent. I try to process all of this without blaming him but it's not easy especially since every time I see him he still shames me with religion. I've been doing spiritual work for a while, I do it quietly in my own way, at my own pace, and taking what works from here and there. But this little tidbit from my shadow is a real bitch. My goal is healing this wound and reprogramming this misconfiguration of my psychology so that I don't feel shame about sex and my body. Not sure where to even begin. The inner child needs healing. But how? There was an unhealthy psychological framework laid in my childhood. That combined with the damage done by religion messed me up when it comes to having any kind of positive view of sex. I know it sounds like I've fallen headfirst into the victim trap, but I don't know how else to get this across. I know I'm not the only who struggles with this type of thing. It's very difficult to open up about. So, I'm putting this all out there, full transparency. 

[EmptyInside]

I really wanted to post this in "Spirituality" but ok.

[EmptyInside]

Thank you for your response. I don't live with my father but I still see him once a week. I agree with your points. It's silly for sure, but deeply ingrained. I found this video, it sums it up nicely:

 

Edited June 6, 2021 by EmptyInside

[EmptyInside]

Another helpful video on the topic, hint hint Leo:

 

[Julian Fernando]

Hey man,

well firstly thank you for opening up, this is always the first step and takes some balls to do so.

Firstly you mentioned you dont want to feel the shame... Remember: "what you feel, you heal". In my process of overcoming my sexual shame I found it helpful to welcome it, fully feel it, give myself love and acceptance and let it go.

Next you asked about the process of healing and my question to you is, who would you be without your sexual shame? What is your vision for your life once you have overcome it? Are you currently approaching girls and going on dates? What would your ideal relationship look like.

I am asking you these questions for a very specific reason: "what you hold in mind tends to manifest". Yes you have been through some shit in your life and yes i get that it was not easy for you, and yes i see that some of the programming is still impacting your thinking, feeling and acting. Still, what would your life look like without it? What are you currently doing to overcome this problem of yours?

[EmptyInside]

I really appreciate you chiming in on this man. I was beginning to wonder if maybe it was too much. I know others deal with this in one way or another, and believe me, I understand the difficulties surrounding opening up and being vulnerable with it. Just that part is an experiment in facing and feeling the shame. Your advice is appreciated and thank you for sharing that you have dealt with some of these issues in your own journey. You've given me some helpful things to think about. Let me sit with it for a day or two and I'll let you know what I come up with. Thank you again.

[bejapuskas]

@EmptyInside  I think sometimes it is useful to acknowledge the benefits such mindset gave you in the past. That way you can understand why you have it in the first place. I think you already understand.

Did you find yourself fearing your father's judgement/anger? I mean, many behaviors and mindsets we learn are from parents. You might find it very difficult to put your needs above other people's needs because you think you always have to please them, otherwise they might get angry. (like your father did) Likely you estabilished this to prevent conflict.

This, in relationships where sexual shame can be an issue, can mean that you can be a great giver, always putting your partner's needs above your own, being extra careful, make sure you get consent on everything you guys do together. Many people actually lack this, yeh. You can even use this to your advantage. 

When I was having this conversation with my girlfriend, she put it very nicely: "It is sexist to assume that it is not enjoyable for a woman to suck a dick." And same goes for guys of course. Like you might not see it, but there are people who genuinely care about seeing you happy and satisfied, the same way you want to see them happy and satisfied.

Now with having sex in general, I think you will get pushed into it somehow with experience. You don't seem like you are asexual and you actually do not want to be intimate with anyone. I think it is an issue that sex is portrayed as something more sinful, more violent, more non-consensual, more non-desireable etc. than for example kissing. It can actually be very intimate, passionate, loving, it can involve a lot of connection and compassion, energetics... It is understandable that when your family and culture programmes you with all this sexual shame and like romanticization of platonic relationships where sex is not involved, you will think that this is literally true.

I guess you will understand all this when you find the right person. People are sometimes very intolerant and do not want to discuss sexual shame of their partners. And that is also not your fault, right. So I hope you find someone who will be happy to communicate all this with you and fulfill all your crazy fantasies and for whom you will also be happy to do all these things you want to do