Toxic friends that hold you back in life

[Terell Kirby]

Any tips for getting rid of these kinds of relationships? Do you go gradual or hard cut off? The toughest thing is realizing certain family and long term friends are no longer good for your health. Is it really possible to love people from a distance?

[charlie cho]

sure. just getting them out of your life is the way to love them. As the saying goes, don't pick the flower, just leave it if you love it and want to watch it grow. So, leaving them as they are is a loving act. Leave. 

Now, the real question is why are you not able to leave? Why are you asking this question in the first place? If you were able to leave right away, you would leave not ask us a question. There must be a certain attachment you have with that person you deem toxic. Any attachment is toxicity. You attachment - your toxicity - has attracted that toxic person in your life, so it created a dependent relationship where both of you are begging from each other.

I say this because I have this problem to with somebody, my father. He liked to threaten me by beating me up in the early stages. Why of course, being scared of being beaten is also an attachment. Although most people wouldn't judge me for having this fear, let's call it like it is that it is indeed an attachment and I would have greatly improved my life if I hadn't had this fear. 

So what is this for you? What are your attachments? Even if most people wouldn't judge you for having such attachments but still, you will have to be meticulous about yourself and be honest despite people's coddling of your pain points. When you find these attachments, however small or insignificant to society's eyes, you will find they have hurt you immensely. Discard that attachment, then you won't be attached to that toxic friend or family. Leave them and let them follow you or the high way. Leaving them is also a role of a true leader. True leaders go for what is right no matter the circumstances. 

[Yarco]

Sam Hyde isn't someone that I would normally suggest emulating, but his advice on this is golden:

Actual advice starts at about 11 minutes. But good info on identifying actual toxic people vs just difficult relationships before that.

Edited June 4, 2021 by Yarco

[Terell Kirby]

2 hours ago, charlie cho said:

sure. just getting them out of your life is the way to love them. As the saying goes, don't pick the flower, just leave it if you love it and want to watch it grow. So, leaving them as they are is a loving act. Leave. 

Now, the real question is why are you not able to leave? Why are you asking this question in the first place? If you were able to leave right away, you would leave not ask us a question. There must be a certain attachment you have with that person you deem toxic. Any attachment is toxicity. You attachment - your toxicity - has attracted that toxic person in your life, so it created a dependent relationship where both of you are begging from each other.

I say this because I have this problem to with somebody, my father. He liked to threaten me by beating me up in the early stages. Why of course, being scared of being beaten is also an attachment. Although most people wouldn't judge me for having this fear, let's call it like it is that it is indeed an attachment and I would have greatly improved my life if I hadn't had this fear. 

So what is this for you? What are your attachments? Even if most people wouldn't judge you for having such attachments but still, you will have to be meticulous about yourself and be honest despite people's coddling of your pain points. When you find these attachments, however small or insignificant to society's eyes, you will find they have hurt you immensely. Discard that attachment, then you won't be attached to that toxic friend or family. Leave them and let them follow you or the high way. Leaving them is also a role of a true leader. True leaders go for what is right no matter the circumstances. 

Your words are so powerful, encouraging and thought provoking. I have learned from you that turning inwards on the matter and focusing on my own perspective and attachment to the matter is more important than putting the focus completely on the other person. If I had to be honest, it is attachment. I was a doormat for a good chunk of my teens and early adult years, and known for low-self esteem. I would surround myself with narcissist who would take advantage of me. I think the question stems from lingering attachment to remain in that position, it’s really a resistance to change but I know I can do better.

Thanks for sharing your story as well. In my heart I know that continuing these toxic connections is not good for myself and the parties involved. I must do what’s best for everyone...and that is leave.

[Terell Kirby]

@Yarco haha this was great. He makes simpler that’s for sure. I’ve already been practicing the slow ghosting method. Although I do get concerned some toxic folks may pick a fight once you begin to disappear

[meow_meow]

How exactly are those friends holding you back, and from what are they holding you back from?

[IAmReallyImportant]

I had this issue too and lost a lot of time and energy.

For me, the best solution is to tell them honestly and compassionate how you feel and why you have to take this decision. Just ghosting would be not that grateful for the time you spent together and it would leave things unspoken you later would have been wished to say. Pay attention to stay by your decision, only if you are sure it is the right one. Meaning the relationship has cost you too much. Don't let them convince you otherwise. If a debate starts, make a clear cut. They will understand it later and if they are ignorant, you could not have helped them in any case. 

Edited June 10, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Terell Kirby]

@IAmReallyImportant Great advice, thanks so much for sharing.

[IAmReallyImportant]

24 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

@IAmReallyImportant Great advice, thanks so much for sharing.

You are welcome?

[Bob Seeker]

I’ve had to ditch toxic friend groups twice. Both were emotionally difficult and looking back took too damn long for me to act on it. I recommend ensuring that they don’t have any negative influence on you period. That usually means cutting them off. It’s easier when you go and find healthier friends rather than just being a loner. Look into other lifestyles. Keep on shooting for the highest things. Let no one rob you of your most precious life. The time your soul has to experience it’s truest desires

[Nobody_Here]

On 6/4/2021 at 9:20 AM, Terell Kirby said:

Any tips for getting rid of these kinds of relationships? Do you go gradual or hard cut off? The toughest thing is realizing certain family and long term friends are no longer good for your health. Is it really possible to love people from a distance?

Depends on the situation. Sometimes, the best way is like ripping off a bandaid -- do it. It's quick and painful but much less pain than if you drag pulling the bandaid off.

Of course, if these people could physically hurt you, destroy your mental health, damage your reputation, or do another unpleasant thing if you cut the cord, it may be better to fade into the background gradually. "I'm busy" is a perfect excuse for this, even if "busy" means "busy reading a good book" or twiddling your thumbs.

In short, this is a case-by-case situation. If possible, end the relationship quickly to replace people with whom you are not a good fit versus people who are potentially a better fit for you. Of course, if years later, these toxic people get their act together and become a better fit for you, by all means, bring them back into your life. However, you are your own person, and you are responsible for your life and your choice of friends. Weigh the consequences of your actions, and try not to burn bridges unless your personal safety is involved.

Edited June 11, 2021 by Nobody_Here