Grandmother died. I'm in doubt whether to go to the funeral.

[StarStruck]

I have no contact with my mother after years and years of emotional and physical abuse. 

I'm done with her and her abusive family but my grandmother's death makes me confront old shit again. One part of me wants to be nice and do the right thing and another part of me wants to stay close to myself: I'm not going back while I cut them out of my life. 

Going to the funeral will feel like stabbing myself in the back. I don't want to betray myself. I don't want to be nice at the expense of pleasing my nephews and nieches. I really don't care about my mother and her family but I do care about my nephews and nieches so I'm in a split. 

If I don't go my nephews and nieches will be angry at me. Perhaps not even want to see me but I doubt that. If I go, I will have to betray myself. I was on the blink of suicide thanks to my mother so I don't care about her. Also I don't want to see my mother and to play a role when I don't care. 

[intotheblack]

If you don’t want to go, don’t go.  Tell the truth to your other family members about why you won’t be attending. 

[Preety_India]

Maybe you should go. 

Especially if you think the guilt of not having attended might haunt you. 

If it's close to where you live, it won't be a big deal to attend a funeral. 

Family tensions exist. But people generally attend funerals 

But again it's entirely your choice. 

If you're good with your decision, then no problem in not attending. It's not a mandatory thing. 

 

[StarStruck]

4 minutes ago, intotheblack said:

If you don’t want to go, don’t go.  Tell the truth to your other family members about why you won’t be attending. 

It is not the right moment to tell the truth I think. They already know the truth and they never cared; brushed it off. 

[Shin]

Did you love your grandmother ?

[StarStruck]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

Maybe you should go. 

Especially if you think the guilt of not having attended might haunt you. 

If it's close to where you live, it won't be a big deal to attend a funeral. 

Family tensions exist. But people generally attend funerals 

But again it's entirely your choice. 

If you're good with your decision, then no problem in not attending. It's not a mandatory thing. 

 

It is 5 hour flight by airplane and it is a remote village so no hotels so I have to stay with them in the village. 

 

[Preety_India]

@StarStruck @StarStruck so I guess it gets wrapped in a day. Attending the funeral and 5 hours flight back 

You can go. Go ahead and book the flight. 

You can obviously adjust for a day. 

 

[StarStruck]

Just now, Preety_India said:

@StarStruck @StarStruck so I guess it gets wrapped in a day. Attending the funeral and 5 hours flight back 

You can go. Go ahead and book the flight. 

You can obviously adjust for a day. 

 

In my culture that would be seen as an insult. I have to stay for 1 day or not go at all. 

3 minutes ago, Shin said:

Did you love your grandmother ?

No. 

[Godhead]

I wouldn't go.

How is your relationship with your sibling(s)? Maybe you can explain your situation to them and they can talk to your nephews and nieces.

 

Edited June 4, 2021 by Godhead

[Shin]

Do you love your nephews and nieces ?

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

In my culture that would be seen as an insult. I have to stay for 1 day or not go at all. 

No. 

Then stay for a day. 

Paying your final respects to the deceased is important in whichever culture. 

But if you don't want to do it, then so be it, your choice 

 

 

[tatsumaru]

If your main goal is to be perceived as nice then definitely don't do it. That's just nonsense theatrics. I personally hate weddings and funerals and avoid most of them because they are unbearably boring and nonsensical to me (funerals less so than weddings).

However trying to hide from your past might be worse for you than confronting it.
You can just go not to pay your respects but to simply forgive, let go and move on. And you will have the bonus of proving you are not a coward.
Or else your past will haunt you and every time someone mentions their grandmother you will remember how you are scared by your past and cringe.

Only petty people hold eternal grudges. Forgive, let go and move on.

But don't play the theatrics, it's lame as fuck and it only teaches you to not be authentic.
 

[Gregp]

You can send a bush of flowers or something like that. 

Edited June 4, 2021 by Gregp

[Opo]

34 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

It is not the right moment to tell the truth I think. They already know the truth and they never cared; brushed it off. 

Then definitely don't go just to please them. 

Do something like this. So they know you still care. 

11 minutes ago, Gregp said:

You can send a bush of flowers or something like that. 

 

[StarStruck]

40 minutes ago, Godhead said:

I wouldn't go.

How is your relationship with your sibling(s)? Maybe you can explain your situation to them and they can talk to your nephews and nieches.

 

My relationship with my little brother is also bad.

39 minutes ago, Shin said:

Do you love your nephews and nieces ?

Yes.

39 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Then stay for a day. 

Paying your final respects to the deceased is important in whichever culture. 

But if you don't want to do it, then so be it, your choice 

 

 

Thanks. I will think about it for couple of hours but they didn't respect me when I was alive and they were alive. Why would I respect them now?

28 minutes ago, Gregp said:

You can send a bush of flowers or something like that. 

They don't have that kind of service there.

31 minutes ago, tatsumaru said:

If your main goal is to be perceived as nice then definitely don't do it. That's just nonsense theatrics. I personally hate weddings and funerals and avoid most of them because they are unbearably boring and nonsensical to me (funerals less so than weddings).

However trying to hide from your past might be worse for you than confronting it.
You can just go not to pay your respects but to simply forgive, let go and move on. And you will have the bonus of proving you are not a coward.
Or else your past will haunt you and every time someone mentions their grandmother you will remember how you are scared by your past and cringe.

Only petty people hold eternal grudges. Forgive, let go and move on.

But don't play the theatrics, it's lame as fuck and it only teaches you to not be authentic.
 

Hm, interesting points. But do I really have to visit the funeral to forgive them? I can forgive them and still not visit the funeral in my opinion.

You might have a point about not wanting to confront a part of myself by going there. I will have to work on that nonetheless, whether I go or not.

[tatsumaru]

19 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Thanks. I will think about it for couple of hours but they didn't respect me when I was alive and they were alive. Why would I respect them now?

Above everything else respect yourself enough to not hold on to grudges and maintain 'poor me' stories in your mind. You are not punishing anyone else but yourself with your resentment. Don't worry about revenge, ignorant people are already punishing themselves all the time with anger, jealousy, pettiness, regrets, greed all the time.

The only reason this exists is because you are identifying with the 'poor me' movie running in your mind and you think happiness lies in fixing the movie. Movie's already ended, get out of the cinema before they close or at least choose a better movie to watch.

37 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Hm, interesting points. But do I really have to visit the funeral to forgive them? I can forgive them and still not visit the funeral in my opinion.

If you can in 10000% honesty forgive and move on without going to the funeral then you don't need to go, but make sure you are not fooling yourself just to hide from your fears.

 

[MatteO22]

@StarStruck when my mom’s dad passed away a lot what she felt was relief, because my grandfather was a pretty much a dysfunctional abusive asshole his entire life who made it rather a punishing experience for others to exist in his presence.

when I attended the funeral it wasn’t to be a bystander to the insane family dynamic filled with trans generational trauma; it wasn’t to be another participant in codependency and abuse, but it was to celebrate the space that was created by his passing away.

 

While he was an abuser, the soul after death tends to look back and with complete clarity realise all the harm and denial they perpetuated while being alive, and emanate the feeling of ‘I’m so sorry for everything’. That is what I felt, almost as if he came to me telepathically apologising for everything.

 

If you wish to honour your grandparent’s death, may it be through the words of ‘thank you for playing an essential role in healing and liberating a lineage of pain and abuse, that I was born into.

 

After setting this intention, whether you do attend the funeral or not, you can make sure that you’re coming from a purity of heart. If you attend or not, is ultimately only important depending on which alternative helps you process all that you carry emotionally; and may the healing you commit to be the greatest act of respect to all your ancestors who came before you. 

You can set an intention such as ‘May the choice that supports my greatest healing be embraced as a way of healing lineages of ancestry that I was born to clear out.’

And then you just can’t go wrong