Being judgmental or choosing friends wisely?

[Intraplanetary]

Hey,

So I'm going through this inner riddle in my mind. I'm not quite sure whether I'm being too judgmental towards people or I'm right to be selective about people i spend time with.

I'm a lone wolf in general, I don't have many friends and regular social time, like for example other people have buddies and they may meet weekly or monthly. I don't feel bad about this because in the last years I've been growing enormously due to being most of the time alone, introspecting and digging deep into my psychology and emotions. No way I would have grown so much if I had someone else around with different interests.

When I talk with people, I'm very personable. I have great social skills and make friends very quickly. people like me in general. However, when I meet new people I start to analyse them and judge many things. for example, how they think, their opinions on various things. I'm looking whether they have low or high self-esteem, their values, religion, maybe they have addictions and bad habits, how do they spend time in general.. etc etc. I pick on these things and compare them to myself and then judge whether this person would be a good fit for spending more time with.

This constant analysis kind of takes away the fun of socialising in general. And I end up avoiding most of the people because it's so so rare to find strong, more developed people to whom I could talk about deep stuff, big dreams and ambitions. 

I think, I also often come across as arrogant because I'm quite straight forward and if I think that something is bullshit, I'll say it. And people don't like this. And then sometimes I feel bad because I think I might have been too harsh. But on the other hand, why not speak my mind? Do you see? I'm not sure which way to take and how to feel about this.

I read this article and it made things a bit more clear about confidence and arrogance. https://medium.com/swlh/4-reasons-why-being-arrogant-is-actually-a-positive-thing-d270fda3cba0. good read.

I want ambitious, aware people around me who inspire me. Am I asking too much? Should I be more loving and let people in more?

Lastly, I would say that I see how every interaction with anyone is a gift and a lesson to be learnt. And I raise questions, analyse and learn from every single interaction. That's why this thread. 

Let me know what you think.

 

Edited June 3, 2021 by Intraplanetary

[kinesin]

I think your attitude is a perfectly sensible response to the alien culture into which we were born.  For the vast majority of our ancestors prior to the modern period, people were born into communities which they'd remain in until the day they died.  Think about that for a moment.  Imagine you knew practically every detail about the 150ish people you knew, imagine you shared a common set of values with them, imagine if the prospect of getting to know anyone from outside of that group never even crossed your mind.  If every person you ever knew was part of your own extended family.

Those were the circumstances by which our brains evolved.  Nowadays we have to conjure up trust manually and dance around trying to build rapport all while knowing the other person is doing exactly the same thing.  The sickening fakeness, the theatrical gestures and expressions learned from dramatic media...  We have superficial relationships with friends which don't come close to significance of the relationships our ancestors had... hell in many cases we don't even know our friends' parents.

We live in a degenerated, disconnected culture.  A culture like this shames anybody who doesn't succumb to it, and that's why you feel a pull toward becoming more open and accepting of others.

[bejapuskas]

1 hour ago, Intraplanetary said:

Hey,

So I'm going through this inner riddle in my mind. I'm not quite sure whether I'm being too judgmental towards people or I'm right to be selective about people i spend time with.

I'm a lone wolf in general, I don't have many friends and regular social time, like for example other people have buddies and they may meet weekly or monthly. I don't feel bad about this because in the last years I've been growing enormously due to being most of the time alone, introspecting and digging deep into my psychology and emotions. No way I would have grown so much if I had someone else around with different interests.

When I talk with people, I'm very personable. I have great social skills and make friends very quickly. people like me in general. However, when I meet new people I start to analyse them and judge many things. for example, how they think, their opinions on various things. I'm looking whether they have low or high self-esteem, their values, religion, maybe they have addictions and bad habits, how do they spend time in general.. etc etc. I pick on these things and compare them to myself and then judge whether this person would be a good fit for spending more time with.

This constant analysis kind of takes away the fun of socialising in general. And I end up avoiding most of the people because it's so so rare to find strong, more developed people to whom I could talk about deep stuff, big dreams and ambitions. 

It is good that you've arrived at so many observations yourself, if this is all true and honest description of what you are experiencing, you already have many of the answers you need.

1 hour ago, Intraplanetary said:

I think, I also often come across as arrogant because I'm quite straight forward and if I think that something is bullshit, I'll say it. And people don't like this. And then sometimes I feel bad because I think I might have been too harsh. But on the other hand, why not speak my mind? Do you see? I'm not sure which way to take and how to feel about this.

I read this article and it made things a bit more clear about confidence and arrogance. https://medium.com/swlh/4-reasons-why-being-arrogant-is-actually-a-positive-thing-d270fda3cba0. good read.

I think certain amout on arrogange or being unavailable is needed in order not to burn out and to set proper boundaries for yourself. But I think you can speak your mind without being arrogant. The way you speak it out can range from absolutely blunt to genuine. Try to be more genuine and considerate and I think you should be fine. I honestly think being genuine, considerate and humble are one of the most important traits for good relationships. Sometimes for growth facilitated by relationships you don't need a person who spits the truth straight into your face, but rather someone who speaks to you where you are at.

1 hour ago, Intraplanetary said:

I want ambitious, aware people around me who inspire me. Am I asking too much? Should I be more loving and let people in more?

Lastly, I would say that I see how every interaction with anyone is a gift and a lesson to be learnt. And I raise questions, analyse and learn from every single interaction. That's why this thread. 

Let me know what you think.

What do you mean by people who inspire you? Do you need other people to become inspired? 

Loving does not necessarily mean letting people in more.

[Alex bAlex]

@Intraplanetary I feel similarly about this subject. I also tend to be judging others and dismiss them very quickly if they have poor habits/addiction. 

And I think I run in a small paradox here because if I want to find people of the same caliber as me and with the same interests, then we'll not socialize so much because we could spend that time learning, taking courses, introspect or just enjoying the lone wolf life. 

 

I guess that's why it's a bit difficult to meet high quality people, because those understand that time is limited and choose to spend it wisely. 

 

3 hours ago, Intraplanetary said:

Should I be more loving and let people in more?

When you start to befriend anyone and everyone, you'll start to loose the interest of the others because you become an easy to reach individual whom anyone can approach. You have to define some boundaries and become a challenge for the others to reach you. Doesn't mean that you become so cocky that you won't talk to anyone. Be humble but don't exchange contacts and hugs with all the club/bar/venue. 

✌?

[Raphael]

You need to be judgmental in order to choose friends wisely.

[Mu_]

5 hours ago, Intraplanetary said:

Hey,

So I'm going through this inner riddle in my mind. I'm not quite sure whether I'm being too judgmental towards people or I'm right to be selective about people i spend time with.

I'm a lone wolf in general, I don't have many friends and regular social time, like for example other people have buddies and they may meet weekly or monthly. I don't feel bad about this because in the last years I've been growing enormously due to being most of the time alone, introspecting and digging deep into my psychology and emotions. No way I would have grown so much if I had someone else around with different interests.

When I talk with people, I'm very personable. I have great social skills and make friends very quickly. people like me in general. However, when I meet new people I start to analyse them and judge many things. for example, how they think, their opinions on various things. I'm looking whether they have low or high self-esteem, their values, religion, maybe they have addictions and bad habits, how do they spend time in general.. etc etc. I pick on these things and compare them to myself and then judge whether this person would be a good fit for spending more time with.

This constant analysis kind of takes away the fun of socialising in general. And I end up avoiding most of the people because it's so so rare to find strong, more developed people to whom I could talk about deep stuff, big dreams and ambitions. 

I think, I also often come across as arrogant because I'm quite straight forward and if I think that something is bullshit, I'll say it. And people don't like this. And then sometimes I feel bad because I think I might have been too harsh. But on the other hand, why not speak my mind? Do you see? I'm not sure which way to take and how to feel about this.

I read this article and it made things a bit more clear about confidence and arrogance. https://medium.com/swlh/4-reasons-why-being-arrogant-is-actually-a-positive-thing-d270fda3cba0. good read.

I want ambitious, aware people around me who inspire me. Am I asking too much? Should I be more loving and let people in more?

Lastly, I would say that I see how every interaction with anyone is a gift and a lesson to be learnt. And I raise questions, analyse and learn from every single interaction. That's why this thread. 

Let me know what you think.

 

ya everything you say is reasonable.  Perhaps in time you will see that some of your judgements and predictions and estimations are not as accurate as you thought.  This may in turn allow you to go in a little more naked so to say and just feel and be with what is and comes up.  Here you may find more time reveals more evidence to make a more broad judgment, and again you may find out it wasn't exactly as you saw, thought or felt.  This may make you even more open and less judgemental and open to just be in the unknown immediacy and perhaps intimacy of the moment.  This may also start a dark night of the soul which causes some self doubt and deep shifting of your world.  Don't beat yourself up during this phase, just feel, accept and don't be so harsh in judgment of "you".

You also may start to find out what you judge in others,  you yourself do just as much or maybe a little less in same or similar ways.  This may in turn create a empathy or openness of likeness and a letting go of judgement since you both are the same in a sense....

Perhaps even now, as you read this, your future approach will change and the interaction of a moment with a stranger will create a new change or possibility....

Cheers.

[Intraplanetary]

5 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

I honestly think being genuine, considerate and humble are one of the most important traits for good relationships.

I totally agree about genuine and considerate. But humble...? We all have different personalities and I sometimes may come across as harsh because I do have strong opinions on things and I like to challenge people in conversations. Maybe because I challenge and question myself a lot. However, it puts some people off. 

5 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

What do you mean by people who inspire you? Do you need other people to become inspired? 

Spiritually, no.

But from the success perspective, oh YES. I have a friend who's is very successful and it blows my mind when I talk to her. We only talking online because she is very far away from another country. She inspires me and I want to keep up as well. I don't want her to outgrow me. 
I can see how much more successful I would be if I had friends like her to hang out with. 

Mentors could be another source to be inspired from.

5 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Loving does not necessarily mean letting people in more.

Yes, I see what you mean.

[Intraplanetary]

3 hours ago, Alex bAlex said:

I feel similarly about this subject. I also tend to be judging others and dismiss them very quickly if they have poor habits/addiction.

Hey, yes. Especially, I have an addictive personality myself. For example, I have a very hard time saying no to a spliff. There is a friend who smokes shit loads and often calls me up. I find it very hard to say no, hence I have to keep a distance...

[Intraplanetary]

3 hours ago, Alex bAlex said:

When you start to befriend anyone and everyone, you'll start to loose the interest of the others because you become an easy to reach individual whom anyone can approach. You have to define some boundaries and become a challenge for the others to reach you. Doesn't mean that you become so cocky that you won't talk to anyone. Be humble but don't exchange contacts and hugs with all the club/bar/venue.

Love what you said here. I think it also shows a high-self esteem.

[Intraplanetary]

2 hours ago, Raphael said:

You need to be judgmental in order to choose friends wisely.

you connected the dots  

[Intraplanetary]

1 hour ago, Mu_ said:

You also may start to find out what you judge in others,  you yourself do just as much or maybe a little less in same or similar ways.  This may in turn create a empathy or openness of likeness and a letting go of judgement since you both are the same in a sense....

Good insight.

[Intraplanetary]

1 hour ago, Tim Ho said:

Just be kind and lower your expectation from yourself

I want to kick your ass now haha 

Are you serious?

I don't want to lower the expectations for myself. My expectations are very high and they just gonna get higher because this is my drive to grow and achieve what I want to achieve. I'm also kind to myself. I TRULY LOVE MYSELF and at the same time, there is a lot I want to change and improve.