My first awakening was when I was 7.

[jimwell]

In retrospect, I had my first awakening when I was 7. I was sitting on my folding bed, looking at the painful wound on my knee. A thought popped out of nowhere "What if this is not real? What if this painful wound is an illusion?" Then my sense of reality changed. I suddenly experienced existence as a dream. I felt I was in a dream. Then more insights flooded my mind. "I am actually in a dream. I have always thought this world is real. But everybody and everything knows this is an illusion. Even this folding bed knows it is inside a dream. The biggest culprits of all are my parents. They have pretended all along they are real, and my experiences are real. My parents exist to fool myself into thinking I and my experiences are real, when this is all an illusion. I am in a dream."

Then I felt tremendous horror. Then I thought to myself "Why am I having these thoughts? And why do I feel I am in a dream? Am I crazy? But I was not crazy yesterday?" The feeling of having gone crazy intensified the horror I felt, then my mind went blank.

I was traumatized by that experience, I buried it in my soul for almost 30 years. I dug deep into my childhood in my entire twenties to understand why I had severe anxiety and depression, and completely broken. I had uncovered all or almost all "traumatic" memories except the "I am in a dream" memory. I recovered this memory only last year (2020) or early this year. I am sure it was triggered by Leo's claim that "Everything is imaginary".

I was a normal kid. I liked toys and played with other kids. I was even an "alpha" kid. I dominated and bullied other kids my age ?. But there was something different about me. I was extremely curious about everything, especially nature. I was always wowed by trees and grasses. Every time I went out with my older cousins to hunt birds in the forest, I felt I was in paradise. I remember one time, I was playing with the other kids in a field and found a beautiful greenish brown grasshopper. I was very fascinated by it, I stared at it the entire afternoon. All the other kids left me because it was already dark, after spending many hours in the field. But I remained there, deriving tremendous pleasure staring at the grasshopper.   

I am now amused by that "I am in a dream" childhood experience, especially that many deeply spiritual humans claim that existence is a dream, not real. I feel it in my soul as an intuition that I really am in a dream. But somehow, I can't accept it to be true. I still have doubts about it. I am open to the possibility that I am just deceiving myself. If I experience that "I am in a dream" childhood experience again, maybe or probably I will finally take it as truth.  

   

[cetus]

1 hour ago, jimwell said:

 I was sitting on my folding bed, looking at the painful wound on my knee. A thought popped out of nowhere "What if this is not real? What if this painful wound is an illusion?" Then my sense of reality changed

That is an insight - not a thought. The thought is the memory of the insight.

[jimwell]

@cetus

It is both a thought and an insight. But I see your point.

[cetus]

The important thing to to keep that insight close to your heart where it will always serve you well.

[jimwell]

@cetus

Yes, that's sensible. Thanks for the reminder.

[cetus]

4 hours ago, jimwell said:

I felt I was in paradise.

This.

-No separation. No partitions.

[AdamR95]

@jimwell I had a similar experience when i was 13. Insight hit me, that this present moment is all there is, and it terrified me. After 12 years i finaly realize that was a spiritual awakaning.

[Snader]

12 hours ago, jimwell said:

I was a normal kid. I liked toys and played with other kids. I was even an "alpha" kid. I dominated and bullied other kids my age ?. But there was something different about me. I was extremely curious about everything, especially nature. I was always wowed by trees and grasses. Every time I went out with my older cousins to hunt birds in the forest, I felt I was in paradise. I remember one time, I was playing with the other kids in a field and found a beautiful greenish brown grasshopper. I was very fascinated by it, I stared at it the entire afternoon. All the other kids left me because it was already dark, after spending many hours in the field. But I remained there, deriving tremendous pleasure staring at the grasshopper.   

Haha I was like that too. Even today I sometimes tend to get into that kind of states, when I'm in the nature or deeply present. Afterwards I always notice that I was completely emerged into flow state where I had zero mental chatter going on in my brain. It's all the seriousness that we've adopted through societal obligations that prevent us still being like that. Too much stuff to be worried about for the ego.

When I was a kid I was fascinated by space. I asked my parents where does space end, and they answered that it ends nowhere, that it's infinite. They didn't deeply understand what that means but I started to contemplate that a lot. Every time I was in bed and couldn't fall asleep. I look at the ceiling and contemplated: ''If space is infinite, what does it really mean..?''. I didn't have to contemplate that for long until something hit me and I had a really strange feeling. The feeling repeated every time I contemplated that matter, and every time the feeling hit me, the ''thought process'' ended. There was like nowhere further to go with thinking. I knew I can't crack that one deeper. Today I have strong clue of why that was the case. 

[jimwell]

7 hours ago, AdamR95 said:

@jimwell I had a similar experience when i was 13. Insight hit me, that this present moment is all there is, and it terrified me. After 12 years i finaly realize that was a spiritual awakaning.

I am not sure whether what you realized was a spiritual awakening. Why do you think so? And why were you horrified by it?

 

6 hours ago, Snader said:

Haha I was like that too. Even today I sometimes tend to get into that kind of states, when I'm in the nature or deeply present. Afterwards I always notice that I was completely emerged into flow state where I had zero mental chatter going on in my brain. It's all the seriousness that we've adopted through societal obligations that prevent us still being like that. Too much stuff to be worried about for the ego.

This is unfortunately true.

 

6 hours ago, Snader said:

When I was a kid I was fascinated by space. I asked my parents where does space end, and they answered that it ends nowhere, that it's infinite. They didn't deeply understand what that means but I started to contemplate that a lot. Every time I was in bed and couldn't fall asleep. I look at the ceiling and contemplated: ''If space is infinite, what does it really mean..?''. I didn't have to contemplate that for long until something hit me and I had a really strange feeling. The feeling repeated every time I contemplated that matter, and every time the feeling hit me, the ''thought process'' ended. There was like nowhere further to go with thinking. I knew I can't crack that one deeper. Today I have strong clue of why that was the case. 

It's strange for a kid to be fascinated by space ?. But that is nonetheless interesting.  I am curious about the clue. Could you explain what that is? 

 

15 hours ago, cetus said:

19 hours ago, jimwell said:

I felt I was in paradise.

This.

-No separation. No partitions.

When I am in paradise (I still experience this as an adult), I am aware of the boundaries between me and the trees, cicadas, flowers, grasses, etc. But I feel I am ONE with them or mystically connected to them. This mystical feeling arises instantaneously. No need to meditate first. It is a beautiful, spiritual feeling. I wonder whether there is a term for it in spirituality.

Here's one of my spiritual walks in winter (I also take my spiritual walks in spring, summer, and autumn). I recommend you watch it at 720p or 1080p.

https://1drv.ms/v/s!ArRczozlKBxyugRZxooKIxB1Kkw5

[Snader]

44 minutes ago, jimwell said:

I am curious about the clue. Could you explain what that is?

The realization to how finite and limited human thinking ability is.

[cetus]

38 minutes ago, jimwell said:

I am aware of the boundaries between me and the trees, cicadas, flowers, grasses, etc. But I feel I am ONE with them or mystically connected to them.

If you were to collapse all boundaries that would be a type of samadhi with nature. With practice and a still mind it is possible to collapse the distinction between you and nature/reality. It has happened many times when I sit in nature. Not always, but it does happen often enough. I call it "Gods Eyes". The whole field becomes conscious and everything becomes more alive and vibrant. I have woods behind the house so I'll meditate for a while to still the mind then go out into the woods and just sit not expecting anything to happen.

I'll check out your video next.

[cetus]

I watched your video. You need to get out in total seclusion in nature. You have to be able lose yourself.

[jimwell]

27 minutes ago, cetus said:

I watched your video. You need to get out in total seclusion in nature to have any chance of experiencing what I'm talking about. Walking around town there is just too much mind stuff going on. You have to be able lose yourself.

I take my spiritual walks in cities, suburbs, countryside, and mountains (where I am the only human walking or sitting there). It is a spiritual walk as long as there are significant number of trees or grasses, and few humans. 

 

41 minutes ago, cetus said:

If you were to collapse all boundaries that would be a type of samadhi with nature. With practice and a still mind it is possible to collapse the distinction between you and nature/reality. It has happened many times when I sit in nature. Not always, but it does happen often enough. I call it "Gods Eyes". The whole field becomes conscious and everything becomes more alive and vibrant. I have woods behind the house so I'll meditate for a while to still the mind then go out into the woods and just sit not expecting anything to happen.

I'll check out your video next.

This sounds like what Sadhguru explained about what happened in his awakening when he was 15. But he gave the impression that it was a very powerful experience.

From time to time, I decide to stop walking and just sit in nature. After sitting there for a while (in complete seclusion), I lose sense of my body, only my awareness remains. This doesn't happen every time, just from time to time. I am not sure whether this is a spiritual awakening. It doesn't feel as powerful and as reality-shattering as the "I am in a dream" awakening. 

I need to log out so I can take my spiritual walk for today ?.

Edited June 2, 2021 by jimwell
I need to take my spiritual walk right now.

[AdamR95]

2 hours ago, jimwell said:

I am not sure whether what you realized was a spiritual awakening. Why do you think so? And why were you horrified by it?

@jimwell

It was minor awakening, one facet of it. I have had many different minor awakenings since then but i had no epistemological understanding to comprehend that. Facets like: no self, higher self, no time, reality is ilusion etc...

This one was my first i can recall, the thing that horrified me was, that i had hopes and goals wich i projected into a future and i though that in the future it will be something different then what is now, but then i realise it will be always this present moment, there is no more then present moment. And it was strange feeling because i had strong sence of a future and i realise that is ilusion. It was a similar to a feeling when you first realise that you gonna die. I would call that a strange feeling of hopelessness, that is what it feels to an ego.

[jimwell]

I just did my spiriutal walk. It refreshed my soul just like before.

 

41 minutes ago, AdamR95 said:

@jimwell

It was minor awakening, one facet of it. I have had many different minor awakenings since then but i had no epistemological understanding to comprehend that. Facets like: no self, higher self, no time, reality is ilusion etc...

This one was my first i can recall, the thing that horrified me was, that i had hopes and goals wich i projected into a future and i though that in the future it will be something different then what is now, but then i realise it will be always this present moment, there is no more then present moment. And it was strange feeling because i had strong sence of a future and i realise that is ilusion. It was a similar to a feeling when you first realise that you gonna die. I would call that a strange feeling of hopelessness, that is what it feels to an ego.

I also had that realization a few years ago that the present is all which exists. But I was not horrified by it. I think another reason why it was horrifying to you was your age (13). During my spiritual walk, I realized a major reason why I was completely horrified by my "I am in a dream" awakening was my age. I was only 7 when I experienced I was in a dream, alone, and everything and everybody are pretending to be real. That was Solipsism which horrifies most adults in this forum. Yet I experienced it when I was only 7. If I had experienced it now as an adult, I wouldn't have had the same reaction. So timing is very important, just like everything else in life.

I don't know what exactly spiritual awakening is. When I realized death is unavoidable, and that it renders life empty and pointless, my soul was crushed. Things have never been the same since then. So, was it a spiritual awakening? Who defines what a spiritual awakening is? And when I realized that everything is predetermined, that is, your own thoughts and actions are not yours, but are the Source's or God's, that in the end, you are just playing the role God has given you, I was completely horrified. Because it means you are at God's mercy. And if you look at the amount of suffering and horror in the world, it is clear that God has no problem inflicting suffering on its creatures. Things have never been the same since then. Was it also a spiritual awakening? 

[AdamR95]

9 hours ago, jimwell said:

Was it also a spiritual awakening? 

I would say yes, but its unimportant how you wanna frame it. Thats how i use it, someone else use that concept differently.

I dont think its about the age, because if you had your first insight at 30 you would be equally horrified i think. Its the integration of these insight wich makes you accept it. If you had many of these experiences you are no longer horrified by them. Some people never experience these insights ever in their lifes because they are too afraid to look into themselfs.

Edited June 3, 2021 by AdamR95

[jimwell]

On 6/3/2021 at 3:09 PM, AdamR95 said:

I would say yes, but its unimportant how you wanna frame it. Thats how i use it, someone else use that concept differently.

I dont think its about the age, because if you had your first insight at 30 you would be equally horrified i think. Its the integration of these insight wich makes you accept it. If you had many of these experiences you are no longer horrified by them. Some people never experience these insights ever in their lifes because they are too afraid to look into themselfs.

This is true. But it is also true that kids are more emotionally vulnerable and defenseless than adults. A 30-year-old man generally handles mental-emotional crisis better than a 7-year-old boy. 

[jimwell]

On 6/6/2021 at 6:40 AM, Kalo said:

When I was a child, I was sent down the world up to a mountain to see a priest for seeing ‘’asbah’’ (non-human, non-physical entities)  

Are you serious or just being metaphorical? ? You made me confused.