Why are people scared to be direct?

[B222]

Why are people scared to be direct? Not claiming to have this solve btw. It seems we’re all conditioned this way on some level. Why?

 

I love to learn. I have shit to work through like everyone but blind spots can’t be uncovered without someone wiser showing me or me failing so much that I have no choice but to surrender and inquire. 

 

I take things personally more than I like to think, what bothers me is what I perceive as sneaky attacks. Why does it bother me? I’m not sure but something flares up inside and I tell myself that these people are against me, if they weren’t they’d be real to my face but instead all I see is sneaky snakes, or so my mind tells me. 

 

I’m open to criticism, I want it more than I ever have. I’ve learned and accepted that mistakes and weaknesses are there to help us grow and I try not to claim to be more than I am. My ego still boasts sometimes but despite the things I’ve learned I always admit how much shit I still have to work through to embody what I think I know, a lot of which is clearly still blind. 

 

That excites me because the room for growth is more than a hundred life times, I’m loving the steps. I’m chilled most of the time these days but I get triggered by people congregating ‘against’ me. What could that be? I realise people don’t wanna hurt other people’s feelings but for reasons I can’t see properly yet, it hurts more when it’s a ‘them vs me’ kinda dynamic??‍♂️why can’t people be real to each other’s face? Tell me what’s wrong so I can discuss and contemplate. Is it really that difficult for us? Just do it the sneaky way instead and hope they see it. Why is it most relationships are like this? I used to be like this, probably still am to some extent but it’s childish. Why is it so difficult for people to point out weakness to someone they care about to their face? This should be practiced as the new norm, if the person can’t take it the sneaky way will be much worse anyway. I act irrationally then question if what I did was right because I’m really not sure in a lot of spots. What is it within me that needs to be worked out so that I can accept that this is just how it is?

 

‘Random’ rant after a few years of losing 95% of my mates because of sneaky behaviour that I thought was wrong but when it keeps happening, from higher beings too, I guess it’s all me. I gotta joke more, learn to get involved, not take shit so personal, and see how it’s working for me not against. Oh and no control or manipulation?I don’t know what to think when it comes to relationships, still tryna figure this shit out. I’ve always had a big social circle but when I ‘woke up’ everyone dwindled because I perceived their way of being to be wrong and out of alignment with where I wanna go and I really don’t know if some of the actions I took were right now. I just know that it still doesn’t feel right that people act all sneaky, that’s clearly my ego trying to control some shit right? Fuck knows talk dirty to me???

 

I’d love to hear some recommendations on how to work through all this mess; resources, books, general advice, etc. Namaste

Edited May 28, 2021 by B222

[Human Mint]

Why do you want to be direct in the first case?

I understand where you come from. And idk u but most of the times when I am being direct I feel rather good, and the other person aswell, despite the belief that "it should not be this way". And because it is powerfull I am oppen to practice it no matter what. Especially because i am someone that usually keeps shit from being expressed.

[Human Mint]

And why do we have fear at all? 

[tricksntraps]

Fear.

We are all about survival, socially conditioned from a young age to be obiedient little doormats in the hope that others will respect us.

Find what makes you happy when you are mostly alone,

sometimes something simple as a good hobby, music or exercise can work,
walks outdoors, fresh air etc.

Dont overthink too much and enjoy life 

 

Edited May 28, 2021 by tricksntraps

[B222]

@Human Mint

Just rambling for my own selfish needs, I gotta learn to accept both ways. I hold back a lot aswell because most people will be really offended. I like to think I’m at a place where I want people to tell me tho but for some reason the sneaky stuff bothered me which caused me to judge, resent etc.
Don’t know why I dislike the sneaky way so much because both are serving the same purpose anyway??‍♂️I guess it’s to do with my beliefs around toxicity, what I should and should not accept into my life etc and because I’ve had a hard time accepting it by different groups my ego flares up and wants to get them back in some way or tries to make them stop so it can feel right and in control??

I learn better when someone is direct with me but I guess once I’m fully aware I’d learn from both equally as much. Some shit is just pure toxic tho, I’m really having trouble distinguishing between what to keep in and let go. Also learning where my shitty patterns are.

It’s like a student and master playing chess, the student blunders then instead of telling him where he needs to improve the coach showcases it in other games with his mates and laughs at his mistakes hoping that the student picks up on it and will improve from it but if he was direct I’m sure he’d learn better and not worry about his friends being dodgy. 

I always question myself first, what am I missing? Is it me? But maybe my apparent lack of being able to take jokes and deep rooted beliefs about how people should act cause me to misjudge in places where people just have my best interests in mind. Gotta get it fixed. 

 

@tricksntraps ??

Edited May 28, 2021 by B222

[B222]

What bothers me more is when I see the ‘sneaky’ behaviour and bring it up in the hopes of discussion so I can contemplate and learn, then they deny it ever happened and call me crazy. What the fuck am I supposed to do then? This just confirms my beliefs that they’re out to get me?

[Human Mint]

We could say that the "sneaky way" is the unexpressed wich is expressed anyways in a sneaky way and it is disfunctional right? So we rather want to express more, being direct.

And with us being direct can help the other person holding the sneaky, it really clarifies a lot. And the people see that you're being honest so they now see they can be honest too and plus feeling safer.

I think it has to do a lot with integrating Red in its healthy form. Not avoiding conflict but purposely bringing it in. Because if not really there is always a point of explossion.

30 minutes ago, B222 said:

What bothers me more is when I see the ‘sneaky’ behaviour and bring it up in the hopes of discussion so I can contemplate and learn, then they deny it ever happened and call me crazy

Yes I feel that. Thanks for sharing this.

I am working with this too and experiencing this too. I welcome a wiser person in this topic aswell!!

[Mason Riggle]

8 hours ago, B222 said:

 Why is it so difficult for people to point out weakness to someone they care about to their face?

Because when you care about someone, you don't want to hurt them, so it becomes difficult to know which will hurt them more.. their weaknesses, or having their weaknesses pointed out.  Often times we feel like we are in the position of choosing between being honest, and being kind. (the secret is finding creative ways to be honest and kind at the same time) These situations are not always easy to navigate.  Just for a silly example, if you see someone who's zipper is down in public, do you tell them so, with everyone watching, perhaps causing them embarrassment, or do you just let them continue to look like a fool with their zipper down?  Which one is the truly 'loving' thing to do?  How will they react if you tell them? 

Some people will appreciate being told their fly is down, other's not so much.  
 

[Preety_India]

4 hours ago, Mason Riggle said:

Often times we feel like we are in the position of choosing between being honest,

At what point does honesty hurt? 

[Mason Riggle]

@Preety_India that's the hard part. It can be difficult to find kind ways to be honest, but usually it's not impossible. 

[Kambido]

Simply bc some people will take advantage of you. That doesn't mean you should be any different... but just be careful with the order of your truths. Test waters bc there are snakes in the grass. Mow carefully. Being careful isn't being indirect, it's just being aware that not everyone is your friend. 

[Nightwise]

1 hour ago, Kambido said:

Simply bc some people will take advantage of you. That doesn't mean you should be any different... but just be careful with the order of your truths. Test waters bc there are snakes in the grass. Mow carefully. Being careful isn't being indirect, it's just being aware that not everyone is your friend. 

This.

It's funny because I used to take wanting to be honest, authentic and direct to the extreme, to the extent that I really started to lack in social adaptability. For instance, I used to and still do to some extent find it really difficult to just say "good" or "fine" when someone asked how I was doing, when I was not doing good. Even if I was doing neutral and not particularly bad, saying "good" or "fine" didn't seem honest to me, so I actually didn't say it. And rarely does it happen that I actually am doing totally fine. I still have that tendency when someone asks me that question to ask myself that question and start contemplating on the question as to how I am really doing , instead of just saying "fine", coming across as strange because I just want to be honest and sincere, not giving the socially acceptable answer.

I've learned that it is okay in some situations to just give an answer that may not be closest to the Truth, but which is easier to get around with. For instance: some weeks ago I had a not-super-important group video call which I have on a weekly basis which I really didn't want to attend because I really didn't feel so good at that moment due to energetical complications and a bunch of shadow material coming up, and I had a lot of resistance to attend the group call so I didn't, and next time I saw these people in the next group call, instead of giving an elaborate explanation of the workings of my mind, emotions, energies and all of its many facets and how this had lead to me not wanting to attend that previous meeting, I just said I forgot it, and it was done with that.

I actually now have to learn that sometimes it's okay to be a little bit insincere in order to make life a bit easier for myself if the thing I'm not completely honest about doesn't have great consequences for others or for the embodiment of my integrity. Lying and being dishonest makes life easier sometimes, and I used to put myself in lots of stress at times because I was so attached to me wanting to be so damn honest all the time.

I still am very capable of being honest and direct if I think it's better for the whole. It's one of the qualities I have, that I just say things like they are or how I see them and not being particularly afraid to offend or upset someone. I am however still very aware of what effect that which I say can have, and of the social dynamics that are at play

Edited May 28, 2021 by Nightwise

[Mason Riggle]

@Nightwise I went through the same phase of not saying fine or good. 

Great example of how to navigate a situation where the truth just complicates everything, and a white lie is relatively 'harmless'. 

"I'd rather not say.", I've found, is a great way to be honest, without saying anything at all. 

[Nightwise]

1 hour ago, Mason Riggle said:

"I'd rather not say.", I've found, is a great way to be honest, without saying anything at all. 

Yes, good reminder. I almost forgot about that one, haha.

[hyruga]

Because it is less advantageous to you for being direct in certain situations.

For example, if your rival is wearing sloppily, would you walk up to him and tell him to dress properly so we can have a proper fight to see who wins the girl?

[tricksntraps]

The goal ultimately with this work is for you to love everyone and everything

no matter what flaws, problems etc.

You understand that people are mostly selfish but you are going to love them anyways,
and of course it is not going to be easy in the beginning and will take years to implement.

You will experience a lot of nihlism and depressive episodes, but you will adapt and work through it as you learn,
it takes time and you'll have to be very self-aware, and careful not to harm yourself or others.

 

it can get heavy so be very responsible and patient  doing this work .

Dont skip through things you have not mastered properly...

Focus on 1 thing at a time

If you feel this work is too heavy take a break for a while


This is just a rough explanation but Leo's videos explain it in more detail so I suggest go watch them 

I Hope this helps,

take things easy