Hardest breakup in my life

[Max Green]

Hi there!

I'm currently in the middle of the very difficult break up. We've been living together almost 5 years. Our relationship was kind of difficult from the very beginning. My (ex)GF is a women with very high sex drive and i'm struggling from premature ejaculation all my life (i'm 32 now and i never had good sex). She was very supportive and gentle and always was encouraging me to solve this problem. We tried different techniques, but nothing helped. It's so sad to realize that i can't satisfy my beloved woman and that we need to end relationship just because of one thing - lack of sex. It's really like that. Those 5 years together was the best years of my life and i learned a lot. 

There is one more difficulty with that break up. I kinda don't know what to do best. The situation is:

• we still living together in the separate rooms, because she has nowhere to go
• she can't move out, because she don't have enough income to move even in a smallest appartment. She's like goddess of the hearth - she can do home stuff very well (she made our nest super cool), but she can't work at all - it's too painful for her.
• so we talked all that stuff and decided that we live together until she finds new partner and moves to him.
• i have a clear (more or less) plan for myself, but i'm worried about her. I wish her a good life and i want her to be happy. But i hear her crying loudly almost every night. That breaks my heart. And her heart is broken too. We're so messed up.

So, wise men, i ask for some advice here. 

[Harlen Kelly]

@Max Green Let me get this straight, you are waiting until she finds another partner who she can move in with and in the meantime you are allowing her to stay at your apartment?

 

[Max Green]

3 minutes ago, Harlen Kelly said:

@Max Green Let me get this straight, you are waiting until she finds another partner who she can move in with and in the meantime you are allowing her to stay at your apartment?

 

Technically it's not my apartment, but i pay the rent. So, i think i can say yes, you got it right.

[mivafofa]

sounds like she's leading a parasitic lifestyle

[RendHeaven]

You're lacking in Self-Love by having no boundaries.

Kick her out. You're not her babysitter.

It's absolutely unacceptable that you've allowed her sweet victimhood to hold your will hostage.

What you need for yourself right now is healing and independence.

It is impossible for you to achieve either while she's literally under the same roof as you.

You're the man. Get shit done. Call her parents (if she has any) and insist that they take her. Or maybe find a friend who's temporarily willing to take her. Or give her enough money for a week's worth of hotel stay, as a parting gift, and forcefully say goodbye.

Could she die if you kick her out? Maybe. Is it unloving of you? Maybe.

But what about her material possessions? Tell her you'll send them all to her later.

But don't you have a duty to her as an ex-lover to help her survive? Maybe. But not right now, when you need to FUCKING HEAL!

What's the 'objectively' right thing to do? Nobody knows.

But what is certain is that she absolutely cannot be living with you under these conditions. You're fucking 32 dude. Take care of yourself, lay down some rules.

[Harlen Kelly]

@Max Green She needs to get a job and get out as soon as possible. The sooner the better. 

You don't owe her free rent or anything for that matter, and living together in that situation will just create a very toxic dynamic.

By the way, besides your performance in the bedroom, what really turned her off about you was your lack of respect for yourself and neediness. Take that in consideration for your next relationship. 

Edited May 27, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[Max Green]

6 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

But don't you have a duty to her as an ex-lover to help her survive? Maybe. But not right now, when you need to FUCKING HEAL!

Actually i'm pretty sure i can tolerate the pain of breaking up. If she just finds the guy and leaves, the bridges will be burnt.

But just kick her out? Maybe i'm too weak to do this. Her relatives always drinking alcohol, smoking and screaming at each other, and she got no friends. She herself are doing yoga and meditating and do spiritual work, she cleans the house very well, grows plants and all that stuff, she's always clean, not drinking, not doing drugs and alcohol. And all 5 years she was very supportive. How can i just kick her out, considering that i'm pretty much responsible for our break up?

[RendHeaven]

5 minutes ago, Max Green said:

Actually i'm pretty sure i can tolerate the pain of breaking up. If she just finds the guy and leaves, the bridges will be burnt.

But just kick her out?

It's actually what's best for her as well.

She needs to heal just as much as you do - and your presence hinders that.

Someone needs to set the boundary, and she clearly will not.

7 minutes ago, Max Green said:

and she got no friends. She herself are doing yoga and meditating and do spiritual work

lol. you need to kick her out for her sake.

She needs independence even more than you, it seems.

8 minutes ago, Max Green said:

If she just finds the guy and leaves, the bridges will be burnt.

P.S. - this is a garbage solution for the well-being of her psyche. She's in the pits of hell, and now her ex is forcing her to find some random dude because he doesn't trust her to take care of herself.

11 minutes ago, Max Green said:

Maybe i'm too weak to do this. 

Yeah, your solution of "wait for random deus ex machina savior man" is so obviously a way to avoid the responsibility of kicking her out.

Part of being an adult means you make harsh decisions NOW for the ultimate good of everyone.

[mivafofa]

42 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

You're the man. Get shit done.

I think OP wrote somewhere in the forum he dislikes having to be masculine.  He'd rather be the bottom energy.  In that case, maybe a lesbian type of advices and approach would be more suited for OP (I hope I'm not offending anyone).  Basically the decisive action-prone strategy you're throwing here might not resonate with OP's way of doing.  I like your advices though maybe sprinkle some empathy in the bucket soup of to-do list could do it, idk  

[RendHeaven]

9 minutes ago, mivafofa said:

I think OP wrote somewhere in the forum he dislikes having to be masculine.  He'd rather be the bottom energy.

I'm actually aware of that~

I'm putting on a sharp tone deliberately as a wake up call.

At the end of the day, balance is needed to dissolve toxicity.

That means an overactive person needs to learn passivity - and vice versa.

1 hour ago, Max Green said:

We're so messed up.

^nobody's gonna fix this other than you, Max

(that is, if you desire fixing)

Edited May 27, 2021 by RendHeaven

[Shin]

I thin you should encourage her to be independant rather than letting her be in another codependant relationship (by definition if she needs the partner money, it's codependant).

Would be better for her on the long run.

So she go get a job right now, and give you the rent she should give you.

That's a good start.

Edited May 27, 2021 by Shin

[Flowerfaeiry]

2 hours ago, Max Green said:

Actually i'm pretty sure i can tolerate the pain of breaking up. If she just finds the guy and leaves, the bridges will be burnt.

Logically that might make sense to you but when it comes down to it your emotions are bound to take hold and supersede such ideas.  

[Shin]

13 minutes ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Logically that might make sense to you but when it comes down to it your emotions are bound to take hold and supersede such ideas.  

Especially if the new boyfriend comes to his appartment to fuck her ex girlfriend.

[RendHeaven]

28 minutes ago, Shin said:

Especially if the new boyfriend comes to his appartment to fuck her ex girlfriend.

lmao its YOUR house and you can hear them on the couch outside your room

[Max Green]

8 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

lmao its YOUR house and you can hear them on the couch outside your room

Actually i offered her to have an open relationship with two partners, i'm ok with that. I know that i can't fuck her properly, so what's the point of being selfish?

She didn't accepted my offer though - she said that she wants only one partner.

[Max Green]

Big thanks to all who replied! All advices are good. Need to summarize all of them and make my decision now.

I wish all of you a great life!

[Gili Trawangan]

2 minutes ago, Max Green said:

Actually i offered her to have an open relationship with two partners, i'm ok with that. I know that i can't fuck her properly, so what's the point of being selfish?

She didn't accepted my offer though - she said that she wants only one partner.

Aren't you missing a more obvious solution? Get better at sex!

If you finish quickly, go again soon after, get her to help you with oral sex to get you going again. I wouldn't give up if I were you, you seem to like each other.

[Max Green]

7 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

Aren't you missing a more obvious solution? Get better at sex!

If you finish quickly, go again soon after, get her to help you with oral sex to get you going again. I wouldn't give up if I were you, you seem to like each other.

We tried all of that. I finish quickly even on third try. And after three ejaculations i feel so exhausted that i need to force myself to do a fourth try. And even then it's not long enough. And by not long enough i mean 5 minutes max of very slow and careful penetrations with a pauses every 30 sec.

I wasn't giving up for 5 years but now she tells that she do not have thouts about having sex with me anymore. She says it's too dissapointing because as soon as she gets aroused i'm already done.

[Gili Trawangan]

8 minutes ago, Max Green said:

We tried all of that. I finish quickly even on third try. And after three ejaculations i feel so exhausted that i need to force myself to do a fourth try. And even then it's not long enough. And by not long enough i mean 5 minutes max of very slow and careful penetrations with a pauses every 30 sec.

I wasn't giving up for 5 years but now she tells that she do not have thouts about having sex with me anymore. She says it's too dissapointing because as soon as she gets aroused i'm already done.

Understood. So you've tried, that means no regrets. It's not meant to be.

Best of luck with this.

[Max Green]

14 minutes ago, Peter Miklis said:

Oh man, I knew this was bound to happen the moment I saw your post about not wanting to be masculine. Well, what can you do, it is what it is. Are you sure she is so incompetent that she cannot find a job? Surely there must be some simple job for her. She could then move out of your apartment and stop being a problem for you.

Actually she found a job recently (about 2 weeks for now). But it's 3 times a week job, not fulltime. The fee is not enough to rent even the smallest apartment.

She had a 2-3 different jobs during our relationships, but all of them wasn't full time and lasted 3 months max. She tells it's too painful for her to work 40 hours a week for such a small amount of money. I think it's originated in her early 20s when she was working as a dancer in night club. She tells she could work 1-2 days in a month and it was enough money to pay rent and live.