Deep Subconscious Trauma

[Christian]

I have just had a pretty intense experience. I was laying in my bed casually on my back. I got into a meditative state and tuned into my body for around 1 hour. Afterwords, I witnessed something freaky. It was like my body was leaking on fire. I felt completely vulnerable and powerless like a child in the middle of a crossfire.  And I got these associations of my parents fighting when I was younger. I was only 13 and very immature at that point and I could recall the absolute misery and powerlessness of that situation. The feeling of shit just going down and you cannot do a single thing about it because you can't even comprehend what the fuck is going on. 

To make matters worse, I also felt helpless because my parents never gave me any "true" compassion and love in the desperate times. It struck me so deep and the scars are still in me to a large extend.

I am really angry with them that they could do that to me. What the fuck were they thinking? Fucking unconscious rats. My father also has blockages in regards to victim mentality and anger so I cannot let my emotions out on him. It is a really big issue and it pisses me the fuck off. I feel like he does not unconditionally love me and that is too hard to accept. He only loves me when I get an A, do what he wants, etc. 

Does anyone else have it similar? Any ideas/tips to let go of this mess?

I know I sound like a total victim here, but that is truly how I feel. Why resist it? What you resist persists right?

[AlwaysBeNice]

I LOVE this guided meditation for it, so powerful

 

[Martin123]

@Christian Hey man! Been there, done that.
Realise that it is those traumas that are holding back your potential, and are the things that are standing between you and your authentic self.
It is only when you accept them without judgement, you can let go of them. That means you've got some emotional labour in front of you. And you have every right to be angry. But don't cling to that anger, just let it flow freely. If you wanna cry, just cry it out, if you wanna smash things... well idk be careful with that. Point is, it is okay to "feel like the victim". Because tbh you were. You were a victim, being that little helpless child. So if you wanna get through this, it will involve some victimhood feelings, that are coming up from your subconscious.
I like to compare this (when you are reliving past traumas) as "Listening to stories that your ego had to tell for a long time, but you never listened in the past, only now you are forced."
You can try to stop it telling your stories by resistance, but it will only make it worse.
Just... allow, and watch the magic happen! :-)

Edited November 7, 2016 by Martin123

[Christian]

Thanks Martin. It is cool to hear your opinion on this and victim mentality in general. I do agree by the way, but I have in a very subtle way tried to resist victim thinking. I think some part might have to do with me believing that victim mentality is wrong/pointless from "how to stop being a victim" video from Leo. So I just did not want to confront the truth that I do sometimes feel like a victim, but I think it is about time to do so. 

Maybe being a victim is what I need to move forward here. That is counter intuitive, but I can accept that. Resisting it definetly has not helped.  

 

[vizual]

Hey man,

Realize that every single person on this earth is always trying to do the best they can, even if it seems they are not. It's just when people are in a contracted state they, seemingly, always make the wrong decisions. I'm sure you yourself have had experiences where you were overcome with intense emotions(whether it be lust, anger, greed, jealousy or whatever) and made some stupid decisions in your life. Doesn't mean you are a bad person, it's just life's way of saying to open yourself up. Everyone carries around emotional scars. Your parents have scars, their parents also had scars. Scars, when opened up, automatically triggers a defense response which put people in a contracted state and make them seem like assholes. But it really isn't their fault, I'm not saying you can never put blame on a person, it's just that a person always deserves sympathy and understanding because what they went through, you went through the exact same thing.

There isn't really such a thing as 'evil' in this world. Only people trying to do the best they can with the knowledge and understanding they possess, and sometimes that understanding is severely lacking which results in a lot of friction with the environment. I'm sure we all can relate to our parents being total clueless jerks to us but it simply couldn't be any other way. If your parents knew how they could relieve themselves of the trauma they sustained they would have already dealt with it in stead of lashing out to the world. Because, as you are now realizing yourself, walking around with trauma is never fun.

At our core we are all unconditional love, including your dad. His life experiences just caused it to block itself off and as a result of that he is incapable of expressing his love to you in open and a direct way. Don't judge him for it. I know it's hard because when you see your father you only see the manifestation of the blockages but try to realize that behind that there truly is love present. 

[Prabhaker]

On 11/6/2016 at 0:00 AM, Christian said:

I am really angry with them that they could do that to me. What the fuck were they thinking? Fucking unconscious rats.

Similar things happened with me. So, journey towards meditation was very difficult for me. I paid a very heavy price for it. 

When I became more conscious , I realized many mysteries of life.

Man lives like a robot: mechanically efficient, but with no awareness. Hence the whole problem! If you were born and lived in same circumstances, between same people, same time as your parents were born and lived, you would't be a different person. 

I unnecessarily wasted years in taking revenge and made my spiritual journey and life very difficult. Now I feel compassion for my parents, but now I don't live with them to heal myself. 

There is no point in remembering the past. 

If a person is repressed, psychologically are carrying a lot of burden, he need catharsis. I recommend Osho dynamic meditation for it. 

 

[Bizarre]

@Christian If you want my advice Christian, it might serve you to welcome the feelings for sure (this is obvious) but a good trick is to also give thanks for your parents and try to cultivate a different approach in your mind to them while continuing to process the old experiences.

There's a good reason for this, because you don't really want to form a victim identity with regards to what happened. The problem with blaming or feeling victimised is it locks in the old experiences and you just end up creating another identity out of it. And obviously you want to recondition your mental story so that you process the old experiences but don't anchor them in a distorted story about your parents. If you end up doing this you will just create a pattern. 

Don't make an identity out of experience and it will just pass naturally. 

[Bizarre]

9 minutes ago, NTOgen said:

 It will run out of steam sooner or later, but only if you let it run.

Disagree with that. Letting it run means dis-identification with it and depersonalising it. I been there done that with the letting off steam thing and got stuck in it for years. So I know it don't work.  What does work tho is being vigilant of when the I claims authorship of any of it.  Sorry, to have to snuff your out there lol, but mom and pop have nothing to do with it. It's the Gunas and the vasanas and the identification with them that's the problem. And if you understand that then you can let it go because it's all impersonal. But if you continue to buy into this therapy story then that's what you see and that's who you are.  So you can either use it as an enlightenment tool or you can use it in a western therapy way to grow the ego. Your choice really. 

Edited November 8, 2016 by GTITurbolover

[Christian]

I know, but the problem is that everytime I have blamed someone outside my self, regardless of whether it was true or not, they repressed my feelings. They did not listen to me when I was hurt or felt unloved. They just swept that under the rug and rationalized it like: 

"Oh, we love you, we give you a house, food clothing and look at that new object we gave you!" See, but that is not what I needed or wanted at all. That is not true love and it made me feel even more alone and ashamed. 

 I never Got out of the victim faze, because I never went through it. And even when I act like a victim now, there is more trauma. Because when I behaved like the victim I was abandoned/ignored (more victim thinking I know). 

But it is true. My parents were not truly  compassionate and only accepted certain parts of me and that has let to me building a false self. And it has trouble being assertive, stranding up for itself, not knowing when to back down, people pleaser, never that angry or sad (that is all part of the shadow).

For a long time, I had no idea and I thought I had depression. But thinking back, it probably is not that.  

I meditate daily though and that has helped a lot. Probably need years of work to get out of this mess, but it is worth it. 

[Bizarre]

6 minutes ago, Christian said:

I know, but the problem is that everytime I have blamed someone outside my self, regardless of whether it was true or not, they repressed my feelings. They did not listen to me when I was hurt or felt unloved. They just swept that under the rug and rationalized it like: 

"Oh, we love you, we give you a house, food clothing and look at that new object we gave you!" See, but that is not what I needed or wanted at all. That is not true love and it made me feel even more alone and ashamed. 

 I never Got out of the victim faze, because I never went through it. And even when I act like a victim now, there is more trauma. Because when I behaved like the victim I was abandoned/ignored (more victim thinking I know). 

But it is true. My parents were not truly  compassionate and only accepted certain parts of me and that has let to me building a false self. And it has trouble being assertive, stranding up for itself, not knowing when to back down, people pleaser, never that angry or sad (that is all part of the shadow).

For a long time, I had no idea and I thought I had depression. But thinking back, it probably is not that.  

I meditate daily though and that has helped a lot. Probably need years of work to get out of this mess, but it is worth it. 

@Christian Shadow? You knew Jung was afraid to visit Ramana Marharshi when he was alive because he was so identified and tied up with his psychological theories, right?

You ever heard that saying in the psychological world? 

"Believing in Jungian analysis is like having herpes for life"

No joke

[Bizarre]

@NTOgen  I picked my nose as a child ...

Therapy uses superimposition to create a "problem" and then you fix it by "grieving" something that is irrelevant, was irrelevant and never really happened...all to create the impression of a more "mature" ego. 

Don't fall for it. 

It's not childhood trauma, because every child in their life did not get what they wanted. It does not mean they were traumatised, it just means their imagination got the better of them at the time.  Kids can't take perspectives, they only see the world through their own eyes.  Now the brainwashed therapy patient leaves therapy with a "toolkit" of hyper sensitive victim mentality so it doesn't pass on the "disease" of bad parenting. It's a load of baloney.

Edited November 8, 2016 by GTITurbolover

[Bizarre]

@NTOgen 

This is more about you, isnt it?? It's ok to admit that

[Bizarre]

4 minutes ago, NTOgen said:

"There is no you, there is only me." -- Trent Reznor

Haha this is true as well . Touché 

Ok, I agree with you, use whatever works and then let it go. 

If the inner child stuff works it works, who am I to stand in the way of what works. Just don't get lost in it, like you say. Sounds reasonable my friend ?

[Bizarre]

16 minutes ago, NTOgen said:

Yay

 

 

Well... 

It made Christian feel better. And that's all that matters. 

Are you ok Christian, my little pumpkin?

[Martin123]

@GTITurbolover Feel like there is just a clash of having a more compassionate approach, and being hard on one-self. Both can work, depending on the situation, I just gravitate towards compassion.

[Bizarre]

1 hour ago, Martin123 said:

@GTITurbolover Feel like there is just a clash of having a more compassionate approach, and being hard on one-self. Both can work, depending on the situation, I just gravitate towards compassion.

no comment

Edited November 8, 2016 by GTITurbolover