I feel like an alien

[Cudin]

I've always been a sort of outcast, but since I've started this whole interest in meditation, spirituality and what not, I feel even more disconected from other people.

I have had many friends and romantic relationships in the past, but hey all seem to come to an end in the worst way possible. I have been cheated on by long-term girlfriends. Some friends have also tried to "steal" my partners. Other friend's partner has developed a romantic interest in me, which in turn has destroyed the whole friendship. It took me 30 years to accept that people are just fucked up like that - that's how it is. I tried many times.

That's why I got into spirituality, since I realized that there was something really fucked up with pretty much everyone (myself included). Nowadays I live alone like a freaking hermit, because I am tired of dealing with people's bullshit. It's frustrating because I also realize that this suffering has the function to motivate me to wake the fuck up, but boy, it hurts. I've been playing the guitar, working my 9-5 job and meditating, pretty much. Everything seem pointless. I don't feel like I should do anything about my life anymore. I don't want to find a new partner, make new friends, make money, or whatever. I'm not even depressed or suicidal. It's just a huge frustration. I found myself bored at the peak of a mushroom trip last time I tried.

(yes I should finish watching Leo's nihilism video, I guess)

This game sucks, God... Give me some fuckin' good DLC or something

[mivafofa]

I found that our intimate relationships (and sometimes even the friends you choose) are like a direct manifestation of the relationship we have with ourselves. Because love is invested, your emotions magnify, and that causes pain to be more unbearable and happiness more euphoric.  

Maybe you have unchecked traumas within you, unusual childhood upbringing or bad parenting that makes you gravitate around these types of relationships. If you don't heal that part of you, it's pbb just gonna continue following you around until you learn the lessons from it.

(Speaking from personal experience, because I used to always wonder why I ended up into weird fucked up relationships despite being sane. Took decade of heartaches, but it was finally "fixed" after I realized my fuked up childhood, buried traumas, then finally discovered self-love.  From then on, I was showered with healthy loving relationships)

Edited May 27, 2021 by mivafofa

[Snader]

Hey man! Looks like you've really had some rough time... But without that suffering you would still be stuck with the cul de sac way of living.

This story of yours sound like development to me. Life is clearly forcing a new chapter upon you and sometimes the phase of transition can be bumpy. You've noticed that the old patterns don't work anymore, and the more you keep holding on to them, the worse the suffering gets.

I feel you man, I know the feeling of pointlessness, but I also know it's not permanent. Try experimenting with new stuff, try to move yourself towards more genuine relationships, think about all the aspects that's gone south in the past and try to do those a different way, spend time in nature to gain inspiration. That way you can start building your new more authentic values and a new sense of purpose upon those values. Maybe try Leo's life purpose course, if you haven't already.

The excitement phase will eventually come, where you feel enthusiastic about your new way of living. Start slowly pushing towards the will of development and change, and you will start seeing a whole new life with new opportunities opening for you.

Setbacks are there for a reason, to fine tune your direction.

[Snuitje]

@Cudin I recommned doing a life purpose course now. People here will recommend from Leo (myself included) but might not hurt to Google abit. That's some awesome DLC

[Cudin]

Thank you guys for taking the time to reply

God bless you